DISCLAIMERS: So, I was at the supermarket, picking up some beets, when I feel these eyes on my back. Staring. I turn around and it's Joss, all stalking me and shit. He sees me see him and gets all flustered-like, whipping his dark glasses back up and hunching his shoulders. Cause, you know, I wouldn't recognize him once the clever disguise was back on. "What are you doing here?" I ask him, annoyed. Joss panics, "Oh. Just here to get some...uh..." He grabs the first thing within reach, holding it out to me. "Feminine yeast infection cream?" I ask, reading the box. "Men can get itchy too you know." He says. "You know, The itch? Huh? Itch? An itch I'd like to scratch? Know what I'm trying to say here monkeybottoms? Huh???" He smiles lewdly and I belt him with my beets. Freak.

THANKS: Thanks for reading this, you hot hunk of fanfiction reader you. And sorry about the long time between updates, my stupid computer ate 4 pages if this chapter, so I had to start all over again. *sniffle* I was able to get the disclaimers and previouslies back from an archive. Huh.

LAST TIME ON THE WACKY ADVENTURES YADDA YADDA...: Spike necked with Botty to make Riley jealous. Buffy found them and was mad. Riley was confused. Buffy was sad. Spike was glad, and then sad. The Bot is always happy, so that's all good. Spike felt bad and kinda gave Buffy flowers. Except that he didn't. Warren found his robot and felt sexually frustrated. The Bot tossed Warren when he tried to shove her back into his basement of kinky lust. So there! Nobody puts Botty in the basement.

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What if they're in there having sex?

The thought made Buffy freeze. Usually she would just smash the door open against the wall with a pleasing loud bang. It never failed to make her smile. Now, however, instead of her boot hitting the door, she was frozen with one leg in the air, in mid-kick, terrified of what may be inside.

"This is ridiculous." She said firmly, still balancing. "Is not like Spike is inside doing unmentionable things to me. Well, not me, the other me. The Non-me. And I'm talking to myself out loud." She put her foot down and sighed. "This sucks."

If he's naked, I'll dust him. The thought made her feel better immediately, and she drew her foot back again and let it fly, hitting the door so hard it bounced off the wall with a loud crash. She swallowed and threw her shoulders back a bit.

The place was quiet and a little dark still, despite the late-afternoon sunlight streaming in from the open door. Spike was sitting in his crappy chair, watching his crappy TV, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge her presence, eyes fixed in the screen. She sighed and went over to him, hauling him up and against the wall roughly. He smiled nastily, mouth pressed up on the stone.

"Hello Slayer."

She pushed harder, head cocked for any signs of movement behind her. "Where is she?"

"Sod off."

"Spike..." Buffy warned, giving his arm a sharp twist behind his back.

"She's with your boyfriend, giving him the best blow he's ever had."

Buffy grabbed a healthy amount of hair and used it as leverage to knock his face sharply against the wall. Spike got the message. "She's downstairs waiting for me." He said sullenly, mouth stinging.

"Get her." Buffy ordered and stepped back.

Spike sent her a glare but went to the entrance to his basement. "Oi, Slayerbot! C'mere!"

"Slayerbot?" Buffy boggled at him. "You call her Slayerbot? What kind of stupid name is that?"

"I call her Slayerbot cause that's was she is. A robot." Spike stepped back from the ladder and Buffybot popped her head up through the hole, eyes wide.

"Hey! It's you." The Bot smiled at Buffy and waved a bit. Buffy's mouth dropped.

"She's a what?"

*****************************************

"She's a what?"

"A robot." Buffy shoved Spike down on the couch, tossing the still-smoking blanket into the corner, ignoring the look he sent her way.

"I'm not a robot, I'm Buffy!" Buffybot said, blinking at the group. "I go to Sunnydale University."

Buffy groaned. "She doesn't know she's a robot." She said tiredly. "Spike says she is, but...well, he's Spike."

"And what does that mean exactly?" Spike glared.

"It means you're a big fat liar." Buffy turned to Giles, ignoring Spike for the time being. "Can you find out if she is a robot, or a demon or whatever?"

Anya snorted loudly. "Oh, of course. Blame it on the demon. It's always the demon's fault!"

"Damn straight." Spike muttered from the couch. They nodded at each other on mutual respect.

"Shut up Spike." Buffy ordered. "Giles, what do you think?"

Giles peered at Buffybot closely, eyes squinty. "One would never know she wasn't alive."

"And she feels normal." Xander said, gingerly poking her arm with one finger.

"Thank you!" Buffybot smiled glossily. "Spam spam spam spam, spammity spam! Wonderful spam!"

The room went silent.

"What was that?" Anya asked, frowning. She nodded at Spike. "She's obviously defective. You should get your money back."

Xander waved his arms, gesturing wildly. "No! Wait, I know this!" He tapped his head, thinking. "Oh, it's a code or something...it...it's on the tip of my tongue...the edge of my brain..."

Giles sighed.

"Oh, for the love of... it's Monty Python you idiot." Spike said shaking his head. "Bloody Americans."

"I knew that." Giles said, offended at the slur.

"That still makes no sense." Buffy came closer, ready to subdue the robot if it went crazy and started smashing things. "Why would she say that?"

Spike sighed. "Don't ask me. She quotes it at the oddest times." Buffy's eyes narrowed at him and he grinned, knowing what she was thinking. He gave her a little wink.

"Oh yeah, I remember that one, with the restaurant that serves everything with Spam." Xander said. "Heh. Vikings."

"Well, let's find out just exactly what she is then." Giles looked at Willow, who was standing on the other end of the room. "Willow, come over here already, I need you to check her over. Really now, this is ridiculous."

Willow stuck her chin out. "That's easy for you to say. She isn't kissing you, is she? I'm the one with the smoochie stalker robot problem." Giles raised his eyebrows and she sighed. "Fine." She slid along the wall, eyes fixed warily on the Bot.

"Willow!" The Bot said happily, seeing her. "You go to school with me, and you're my best friend." She flung her arms around her, squeezing tight. Willow's eyes went wide, and before anyone could move, the Bot planted a healthy kiss on her lips.

"Oh dear." Giles murmured.

Willow jumped away, sending Giles an accusing look.

"Why doesn't she kiss me?" Anya demanded. "I'm pretty too, and my breasts are fuller!"

Spike snorted and Buffy turned and smacked him in the head sharply. "Ow!"

"Ok, this is stupid." Buffy pointed at Spike, who was rubbing his forehead. "This is your fault. What did you do?"

"Look Slayer, all I know is some Warren bloke made her." He gave an evil little laugh. "Oh, and she'll do whatever I tell her."

"She takes orders from you?" Buffy asked, mortified. Spike shrugged. "Show me." She demanded. If this robot-thingy actually took orders from Spike they could be in serious trouble.

"Fine." Spike sighed. "Slayerbot, spin around."

The Bot nodded and started turning quickly in a circle, arms splayed. A hand knocked over the endtable lamp, sending it flying into the wall behind Xander, who ducked wildly.

"Stop." Spike drawled, and she did. "Sing."

Buffybot opened her mouth. "Miss Suzie had a steamboat! The steamboat had a bell! Miss Suzie went to heaven! The steamboat went to HELLO operator! Please give me number nine! And if you disconnect me, I'll kick that fat BEHIND the refrigerator! There was a piece of glass! Miss Suzie sat upon it, and cut her big fat a-"

"Please stop." Giles said dryly.

Spike raised his hand, motioning. The Bot smiled.

"That was awful." Buffy took her hands away from her ears, relieved.

"Wait!" They all turned to Anya, who looked panicked. "What happened to Miss Suzie? What did she cut?" Xander whispered in her ear and she nodded. "Oh."

"I wonder if it's the same Warren we went to school with." Willow said suddenly. Buffy frowned.

"We went to school with a Warren? He didn't go all invisible did he, cause that was so not fun. Also, what a coincidence!"

Willow shook her head. "No, no invisible shenanigans. He was in my chemistry class. And in our study hall."

Xander raised his eyebrows. "We had study hall?"

"We need to find this Warren." Giles said, giving Xander a disappointed look. "He may be up to other unsavory actions, messing around with who knows what terrible forces. Unleashing hellbeasts from within. Practicing the dark arts..."

"Creating an army of girl robots!" Xander joined in excitedly.

Giles coughed. "Erm, I think he's up to something more evil than that Xander."

"If only we knew what." Willow said, worried.

"Why don't you ask the robot?"

Everyone turned to look at Anya, who was now sitting on the couch next to Spike, then to the Bot, still standing. The Bot's smiled brightened even more, if possible.

Giles stood up straight. "I was just about to do that. Um, thank you Anya." He pulled a chair out for Buffybot, who sat happily.

"Now, erm, Slayerbot-"

"I'm Buffy!" She beamed at him, then frowned. "Sometimes Spike calls me 'pet' or 'honey'. I guess you could call me that." She perked up again. "Oh! And one time he called me 'hot little bitch in heat'. It's a little long, but you could call me that too."

There was a loud gasp. "I knew it!" Buffy spat, pointing at Spike furiously. "I knew you were up to no good." She grabbed his hair, roughly hauling him up. Spike yelped in protest as she started to drag him out of the room.

"Stop hurting Spike!" Buffybot gasped, smile gone. She jumped up, knocking her chair over with a clatter. "Stop it, other Buffy!"

Buffy twisted her hand harder, making Spike wince. "Tell her to back off."

"It's fine pet." Spike waved his hand in her general direction, unable to move his head at all. Instead he stared at Buffy's feet. Sexy boots. Sexy little sparkplug that Slayer was- "Ow!" He was pulled forward. "Just, stay there Slayerbot." He called as he was helplessly dragged out of the room.

"Buffy was mad." Anya said in the quiet that followed. She shrugged and sat back down again, promptly bored. A pair of legs came and stood in front of her. She looked up at Willow standing there, arms crossed.

"Your breasts are fuller, but mine are perkier." Willow whispered, giving her a nod in emphasis. "Take that!" She spun on her heel and marched back to Giles, who was righting the overturned chair for Buffybot, and grabbed her laptop.

Anya pulled her top open and studied herself quietly. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her breasts, and they were just as perky as Willows.

*******************************************

Buffy threw him against the wall and he hit his shoulder hard.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't stake you right now." Buffy snarled, face close to his.

Spike shrugged, holding up his hand and ticking off his points. "One: The robot listens to me, so you need me. Two: I only slept with her once...well, four times, but it was the same night."

Buffy blushed angrily.

"Three," He continued, "I didn't touch her when I figured out it was you." She opened her mouth and he spoke louder, "FOUR: I knew it wasn't you the moment your lips touched mine."

She shut her mouth with a snap, surprised.

"Five," He said slowly, walking towards her. She moved, her back hitting the wall behind her. "Five. You want me."

"As if Spike." She sneered weakly. He cocked an eyebrow but didn't bother to answer, instead he leaned in for a kiss. Her hand shot out and he caught it, twisting it and placing her palm firmly on his pants. He thrust and her hand squeezed his cock, making the both of them groan.

"You want me." He whispered. "And- god!" He gasped as Buffy rubbed harder, "God, I want you."

Buffy opened her mouth and the next thing she knew, Spike's mouth was on hers, and it was damn good too. She wrapped her hand in his hair again, this time pulling him closer, kissing him back fiercely. Her other hand clutched hard, making him shudder. She smiled a bit, enjoying the power over him, and moved her hand, fingers finding him peeking out the top of his jeans. She circled his head and he shook. She pinched hard and he gasped into her mouth.

"You like that?" She whispered, and he nodded, resting his head in her neck. Who would have know that the Big Bad liked to be dominated? Not to mention the fact that she was really turned on by the idea. She pinched harder.

Spike trembled and kissed her again, trying to regain the control he'd had when this whole thing had started. He was the aggressor dammit! He was the one who'd started all this! And he was going to take charge...in a second...

She had her hand in his pants now, and was stroking the entire length roughly, nails scratching. She jerked her hand up and down, wringing more groans from him, smiling at the pleasure on his face. Her palm cupped his balls and he almost came from the sensation. And when she clutched them in her hot little hand, hard enough to make him wince, he did come, gasping, head thrown back, eyes squeezed shut.

Buffy watched him come, fascinated. His hands were up at his head, nails scraping the plaster. He was completely hers. The though made her shiver. His eyes opened slowly and the look in the made her shiver more.

"Your turn." He said firmly, and Buffy felt a rush between her thighs even as she shook her head. He ignored it, suddenly the aggressor once more. "Come here."

He grabbed her, pulling her over to the sink, plopping her down on it with a jolt. "I've always wanted to eat you Buffy." Spike whispered, pulling her pants off with a yank. "But this way is so much, much more pleasant." His hands pushed her thighs apart, thumbs pressing firmly on her lips, easily finding her spot. She arched. "Mmmm, good girl." He said, and leaned forward, licking at her through her little blue panties. "Oh god you taste-"

"Buffy? Lemme in!"

They both froze, looking at the door.

Xander knocked again. "Buff? C'mon, you can kill Spike later. The little fireman needs to put out the flames!" He paused, reconsidering. "Well...not 'little'..."

"I'm going to rip that little blighter's head right off-" Spike stopped at the look in Buffy's eyes. "Oh. Fine then. 'Goodness! I sure am pleased that we were interrupted!'" He said in a mock-bright voice.

Buffy jumped up, pushing Spike aside, grabbing for her pants. "Just a second Xander!" She shouted, one leg in, hopping. Spike watched her, still kneeling at the sink, making her that much more flustered. "I just have to hit him a few more times!" She shouted, trying to buy some more time. She caught sight of her face in the mirror and stopped hopping. "Gah!" She smoothed frantically.

"All ready?" Spike asked, standing up slowly. He looked totally normal, face neutral. She nodded. "Off we go then."

"Spike!" Buffy hissed, and he stopped. "Don't...I mean, I..uh."

Spike nodded. "No worries Slayer. I won't say boo."

Buffy opened the door to a dancing Xander. "Thanks Buff." He said. "I drank too many Dr. Pepper's."

"Goody for you." Spike snarled, enjoying fantasy number 14: Punching right through Harris' ribcage and tearing his heart out with a simple twist. Stupid bugger.

"Ah Buffy. You're back." Giles looked up at them, pleased. "Willow's found Warren's address."

Anya nodded. "Yes. And my breasts are perky." She said, pointedly.

Buffy paused, then decided to ignore that last bit. "Okay. I guess it's off to Warren's house. As soon as Xander gets back from the, uh, bathroom, it's geek-bashing time!"