DISCLAIMERS: So, I'm at the strip-club the other night with all my girlfriends, enjoying some Silver Clouds and hooting at the male dancers, when the next act is announced. "Ladies! Put your hands together for Jumpin' Jivin' Jossssss!" The DJ screams, and sure enough, out comes Mr. Whedon in a black lycra catsuit with the ass-cheeks cut out. I wave a fiver at him and he shimmies over, pulling the top down to reveal his nipple-tassels. I wink and tuck the money in his belt, and he licks his lips in appreciation. "Thankth, mr. monkeybottomth," he lisps shyly. As he turns to go I slap his ass, making it jiggle happily and his tassels whirl. Wow, anything to make ends meet till 'Firefly' starts showing green.
THANKS: Well well, let's all thank bub, she's my new beta. I buckled under the pressure and asked her to help me out, since I sucked so badly in my last chapter. I'm the kind of person who HATES when their/there/they're gets mixed up or its/it's and so forth, and there I was, making the same mistake THREE times! Thanks to Nancy, for pointing it out too. You didn't leave your email, but I want to say thanks! Apparently, me re-reading my stuff 5 times does nothing for catching my own errors, lol.
HOLY SCANDAL BATMAN!: Okay, so Merexe was defeated and the gang was all forced to eat peanut butter marshmallow squares. Afterwards Spike showed up at Buffy's and seduced her but good. I'm sorry, but he would have had me on my back the moment he walked in the room, but hey, who am I to judge? 'Wait,' you say, 'I thought this story was called The Wacky Adventures of Spike and BuffyBOT. What's with the lack of Botty goodness?' I just blink and stare at you blankly, cause I'm a little slow.
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There's an arm around my waist.
That was the first thing that popped into Buffy's head as she slowly woke up. The second, third, and many more followed rapidly, swirling around her brain like leaves in the wind.
There's the arm of a vampire around my waist. A vampire named Spike. A vampire named Spike that I has wild, hot sex with. Last night. In my bed.
It suddenly hit her and she half jumped, half fell out of the bed, landing on her floor in all her naked glory, butt hitting with a jar. The thud woke Spike, and he slid through the sheets, blinking sleepily at her.
"Legs not working pet?" He drawled slowly, looking like the proverbial cat that ate the canary. Oh, he ate the canary all right...stop it! Stop thinking those thoughts!
"I'm fine." Buffy said calmly, pretending like it was perfectly normal for her to be naked and on the floor with Spike watching her from her bed. Perfectly normal, yes indeedy.
Spike ran a hand through his hair, managing to smooth his errant waves for a whole one second. They bounced back up immediately, making Buffy giggle. "Oh, something's funny is it?"
Buffy shrugged and wiggled around a bit, frowning. Her legs were trembly and she was sore...in many places. Images of Spike raced again, Spike licking at her feet, Spike worshiping her with his tongue. Spike biting at her breasts, teeth blunt, mouth sucking to raise the blood to the surface, purple blooming like roses over her skin. Spike kissing her calves, eyes hot and soft all at once, Spike falling to his knees before her after the last time, arms wrapped around her thighs, head resting gently on her belly as she stood uncertainly, her hands stroking his hair. 'God Buffy', he'd muttered, lips tickling,' I never want it to stop. Never want to stop feeling like this.' And she's pulled him up again, falling back on the bed to hold him to her warm body, his arms sliding around her, keeping her close. And then it seemed that wasn't quite the last time after all.
She went to get up, but discovered, to her dismay (and smug delight) that her legs really weren't working all that well, and refused to support her weight as she gave a half-hearted attempt at standing.
"Need me to come down there then?" He was grinning at her now and she grinned back, opening her thighs slightly. His smile grew wider and he slipped off the side, landing on top of her with a jar. It didn't matter though, because his mouth was on hers, and she was ready, ready, she wanted him in her again and again and again until she couldn't lift her head from exhaustion, until she sighed and stretched in satisfaction, until she wept with relief that he was finally sated.
And she knew that moment would never come.
************************************************
The first thing Willow saw when she opened her eyes was the smiling face of the Buffybot leaning over her.
"Um...good morning." She cautiously pulled the covers over her mouth, worried that last night's late re-programming may not have been totally successful. The Bot pulled back and she relaxed slightly.
"Good morning Willow!" Buffybot's smile grew as she gestured to the huge pile of Taco Bell on the endtable. "I got breakfast for you!" A chimichanga slid off the top and fell to the carpet.
Willow frowned slightly, looking at the stacks of hot, medium and mild sauce packets arranged on the floor, spelling out the words 'Willow's Breakfast'. "Oh, uh, that's a very...interesting breakfast choice. Thanks. So, uh...you don't feel the need to kiss me good morning do you?" She eyed the Bot nervously, fingers tense on the blanket.
"No!" The Bot held out a Super Soft Taco.
"Okay then!" Willow bounced off the bed and grinned. "I am the master of all robot re-programming! Go me!" The Bot was still holding out the taco and she grabbed at it, thinking Heck, why not? I can be wild and eat this instead of that healthy banana.
"I'll go wash up, class starts in a half hour." She said to the Bot, picking up her towels and toothbrush. "You stay here, okay? No more roaming the campus till Buffy gets back."
"Yes Willow." Buffybot sat on the bed obediently and Willow smiled, closing the door behind her.
Two minutes later there was a knock. "Ooooh! A visitor!"
"Can I talk to you?"
"Riley." The Bot paused for a moment.
Name search: Riley
Riley Finn
-teacher's assistant
-member of the Initiative
-dating
-big loser
-giant lummox
-insult and break up with him
Recorded information: Please hold...
The Bot waited while her programming updated, smiling sweetly at Riley as he shifted uncomfortably in front of her, waiting for an invite to talk.
PLAY RECORDING:
"That girl looks just like me."
Spike didn't look away from the street as Giles drove off. "Yes pet, she certainly does."
"Can we go back to your crypt now? I can do the splits you know."
Spike stood up slowly and looked at Buffybot. "No. We need to go see someone. There's something I need you to do, sweetheart."
Buffybot smiled, slipping her hand into his. "Yes Spike."
Spike looked at the Bot and smiled nastily. "C'mon pet, we have to get to that prat boyfriend before she does." His face hardened. "I want you to. Break. His. Heart."
The Bot frowned at him. "I can't kill a human, it's against my programming! If I broke his heart, he'd die."
Spike scoffed. "Well, that certainly throws a wrench in my plans for Harris."
The Bot nodded. "Xander likes wrenches, he's a carpenter!"
She got an odd look for that comment. "A carpenter doesn't use a wrench." Spike said offhandedly, already thinking about what he was going to do to Finn.
"It's a tool. Carpenters use tools. I like your tool, Spike." She leaned in for a kiss but he was suddenly walking, pulling her along with a slight yank.
"Look, just be as mean as you possibly can to him. Say the most horrid thing you can to make him cry like the big girl he is. Hell, tell him he tastes like ashes to you and you've met another demon ." Spike rambled, eyes narrowed angrily. "Ashes! What the hell did that bitch know anyways? I don't love the Slayer!" He stopped and looked at the Bot closely. She grinned.
"Tell him you love me now. Tell him he's terrible in bed. Do whatever it takes, but I want the two of them over. Got it, honey?"
STOP RECORDING
Buffybot blinked and looked at Riley, still standing awkwardly in the doorway. "Why are you here, Riley Finn?"
He pushed past her and she turned back into the room, watching as he sat on the bed, hands gripped nervously together. ""Buffy, please, I really need to talk to you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about the robot, and for not being there for you when you needed me. The Initiative heard about Warren-"
"Warren's gone." The Bot said, looking stern. "I don't have to go back into the basement!"
Riley nodded at her. "No, you never have to deal with the horrors you went through down there, not ever again. My god but you must have been terrified! I was wrong not to be there with you, to protect you, and well, I was wrong about pretty much everything about what happened. I was wrong not to recognize the glaringly obvious differences between you and the robot. I know who you are."
"I'm Buffy!" Buffybot said confidently, making Riley nod some more.
"Yes! I know who you are, and I know I'd never mix the two of you up ever again! I mean, as if I could ever look into your beautiful eyes and not know it was you. No one could ever replace you, Buffy."
"You taste like ashes."
Riley paused, confused. "What?"
"You're bad in bed. I hate you Riley Finn! All those times you were making love to me I was thinking of Spike! He's a real man! I love him! I don't love you!" Buffybot smiled and opened the door. "Go now! Don't ever call me again! Oh, and have a great day!"
Riley slowly stood up and walked to the door, giving her a pleading look as he went by her. "Buffy..."
"You're penis is very small. I have been informed that a man should be at least eight inches long to satisfy the Slayer, and I have also been informed that yours must be around four inches, and very needle-like. I feel sorry for you! Bye now!" She waved happily and shut the door in his face. Turning, she noticed a closet, and opened it. "Oooh! Pretty clothes!"
*****************************************
"I'm back!" Willow breezed through the door, "And look who I found!"
Buffybot put down the skirt she was looking at and smiled. "Hello other Buffy!"
Buffy sighed. "Stop calling me that. I'm Buffy, you're...I dunno, Slayerbot or whatever." She noticed the clothes Buffybot was wearing and groaned. "Don't tell me you're borrowing my stuff now too! Willow!" She crossed her arms and glared at the still-smiling Bot. "She's like the little sister I never wanted."
Willow hurried over and took the hangers from Buffybot, handing them over to a pouty Buffy. "Um, we'll get you your own clothes, okay?" She said to the Bot, who nodded pleasantly.
"Whatever." Buffy hung the clothes back up and yawned, too tired to even cover her mouth. Willow noticed.
"Didn't get enough sleep last night, Buffy?" She asked, concerned.
Buffy started guiltily, and looked at Willow like a deer caught in the headlights.
Spike was thrusting in her, the bed rocking violently. She was glad her mom had left for work already, the headboard was banging, pictures rattling on the walls. She grabbed at the bars and Spike put his hands over hers, his hard stomach against her back, lips sucking on the back of her neck. God, she was on fire.
"Buffy?" Willow asked again. Buffy blinked at her.
"Oh...uh, yeah, I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night after all. I uh, was all wound up so I went patrolling."
Willow nodded in understanding. "Yeah, patrolling always helps you sleep."
Her legs were up by his ears now, and he grabbed at her ankles, grip firm, and used his purchase to full advantage, thrusts sharp and deep now, breath coming faster, eyes burning in hers. She gasped and he ran his hands down her thighs, bending her even more to him, feet brushing against the still-shuddering headboard.
Buffy blushed. "Mmm hmmm."
Willow bustled around the room, picking up the Taco Bell leftovers and placing them in her mini-fridge till it was practically bulging. "Well, anyways, later today I have to go talk to Spike, figure out what we should do with the Slayerbot." She gave a final shove and the little door closed. "There! Want to come along?"
"I'm coming Slayer." Spike moaned in her ear, making her tingle. Her skin was alive with sensation, and his words inflamed her. "Yeah, that's right, come with me baby. I wanna hear you scream." He shook, arms trembling as he came hard, and she was swept along with him, his name torn from her lips over and over again.
Buffy tried to look nonchalant. "Maybe. We'll see if I have time. There's a few people I need to talk to as well. I bumped into my Psyche prof in the hall and he wants me to come talk to him this afternoon. Plus, I need a nap, and I have to get to class. Plus, I need to sort a few things out with Riley." She laid down on her bed, feeling rather drained.
The Bot gave her a blinding smile. "I broke Riley's heart!"
There was a shocked moment.
"Willow!" Buffy popped back up and turned to her best friend, who was looking rather guilty. "You said you'd re-programmed her!"
Willow clutched her hands together. "I said I'd started, I didn't have time to go over every single one yet! I just wanted her to stop kissing me!"
"And I want her to stop breaking up with my boyfriends!" Buffy flopped down again, one arm flung over her eyes.
"His penis is too small to pleasure a Slayer."
Two sets of eyes swiveled over to the Bot, who was still standing by the closet. She smiled.
Willow looked at Buffy, who was more than a little pink in the cheeks. "Buffy?"
Buffy sat up and looked at the floor. "Well, you know, there was that time...at the frat house...he seemed, uh, you know..." Her eyes closed a moment in abject humiliation, then opened, fixed on the floor. "Bigger." She whispered.
"The frat house." Buffybot nodded. "I stopped the evil there. There was a spell!"
Buffy looked at Willow, who nodded slowly, her own cheeks bright red now. Buffy shrugged. "Oh. Okay then." She sighed. A spell, huh. Well, that explained the incredible leap in Riley's sexual prowess...
"Xander likes wrenches." Buffybot announced loudly, making the two girls stare at her in utter confusion.
************************************
"Mmmm...Slayer, very nice." Spike held out the red lacy teddy and nodded in approval. "You really are a naughty, naughty little superhero, aren't you?" He fingered the silk for a moment and then replaced it, rummaging through the drawer some more, pulling out a large pair of battered cotton panties. "Hmmm, not so sexy, these. Must be for those 'special' days."
Closing the dresser drawer, he turned towards the night table with a grin, and opened it up. "Well well, what have we here? 'Property of Buffy Summers.'" He held the diary up in triumph.
Buffy wouldn't like you reading her things. Going through her scanty panties is one thing, reading her innermost private thoughts is another. Spike paused for a moment, debating, then scoffed loudly. Please, I'm evil!
He settled into the bed and opened the book at a random place, frowning slightly as he read. "Dear Dairy, blah blah blah, I love a poofter, yawn, evil, hell...and that's just their first date." Spike flipped a few pages with a snort. "Now, where's the good stuff? I know she must have written pages about her burning attraction to a certain handsome vampire with a magnetic personality. Oooh! Now we're getting somewhere...What is Spike's problem anyways? As if he knows anything about anything. Angel and I are meant to be together...Gah! More weepy Angel! When does this tripe end?"
Spike angrily turned some more pages, determined to find his name, and the words 'burning sexual attraction' directly afterwards, but was startled by the sound of the front door closing. Panicking, he shoved the book back into the drawer and shut it with a bang, jumping off the bed just as Buffy's bedroom door opened.
Joyce poked her head through the doorway and smiled. "Hello Spike. Buffy called me and said you might still be here."
"I didn't read anything." Spike struck a casual pose.
"Okay." Joyce nodded a little, not having a clue as to what he was talking about. She leaned against the wall, arms crossed. "Heard you ran into some trouble last night."
Spike blinked at her. The Slayer was telling her mum about the two of them? And saying he couldn't perform? Well, he'd end that little misconception right here and now. "Trouble...no, no trouble. I don't know what Buffy told you, but I had no trouble with anything last night-"
Joyce shook her head, confused. "Wait, you didn't run into a team of vamps last night, and then had to hide out here because they were waiting for you at your crypt?"
"Ohhh...that." Spike hooked his thumbs in his belt and grinned. "Yeah, Buffy was kind enough to help me out. You know, give a little, get a little." His grin grew wolfish.
"Well, it's nice to see you're working together. I was just about to have some lunch, would you like some?" Joyce motioned towards the hallway and Spike shrugged.
"Do you have any Bugles?" He asked hopefully, following her down the stairs. "I like those, they remind me of giant fangs."
Joyce opened the cupboard and pulled a box out. "Not much left, I think Xander ate most of them last week."
Spike's eyes narrowed as he peered at the remains. "Stupid Harris," he mumbled, picking out a few broken pieces. Chewing, he watched Joyce fix herself a small salad, waving aside her offers to make enough for two. "So, uh, Buffy say anything else about me?"
"No." Joyce said, chewing.
"Oh." Spike looked at his box.
"Just that you'd probably still be here at lunch, and could I check in on you, make sure you were okay. She seemed concerned."
Spike perked up a bit at that. "She did, did she? Well, fancy that." He reached out and stole a cucumber slice from her salad, getting a rap on the knuckles from her fork for his trouble, smiling at her as he popped it in his mouth.