Disclaimer: What?! I DON'T own Chrono Trigger! That's news! Oh well.
Author's Note: Again, I implore you to help me with the rating. There's a little, um, well---you'll see. (And I know what some of you are thinking! Geez, it's not THAT!) I think the rating's up to ff.net standards personally, but if anyone thinks it's R material then by all means tell me so thru a review so I can do a little re-editing. Thank you!
Lucca leaned against the wall, her head buried in her hands. She was ashamed. Anguished. Well, perhaps anguish was too weak a word for her current situation. There probably was no one word to describe the hellish events that were going to take place in just a few minutes. Why her? WHY HER?! What horrible atrocity had she committed in a previous life to ever deserve THIS?! Having Magus around her parents was bad enough. But around Nana?! She might as well prepare a fallout shelter for the inevitable disaster.
And she might as well build it right here, in the bathroom.
Yes, you heard it right. She was in the bathroom. Why she always chose to flee here to avoid confrontation was beyond her. Perhaps it was the soothing cool of the ceramic floor tiles... Perhaps it was the fact that there was always a bolt on the door and you could lock out unwelcome annoyances... Perhaps even in this case it was because it was the room furthest away from the kitchen on the ground floor. Who knew the right answer?
But she supposed she'd better stop stalling and not leave Magus in the lurch. Things were already going downhill, if her parents constantly grilling him with embarrassing questions was any indication. But that was just the beginning. When Nana came out----oh boy. She hadn't been exaggerating when she had given him that warning against using any destructive magic within her formidable presence. He didn't know the horror of her being. Oh no, not yet. But he would soon enough.
Luckily, Nana was nowhere to be seen yet. Taban had said she was upstairs taking a nap, but not before complaining her ass off about Lara's poor cooking skills (he wasn't too fond of his mother-in-law, if you couldn't tell). Unfortunately, though, this couldn't last forever. Supper would be ready anytime now.
Lucca sighed and decided to just leave the bathroom already. She couldn't postpone the day of horror forever, after all. Quietly unbolting the door, she turned the knob soundlessly and allowed it to creak halfway open by itself-
"Agh!"
There stood Magus, right in front of the door, arms crossed, eyebrows raised, and NOT looking in a happy mood.
"Explain."
Rolling her eyes, Lucca grabbed his arm and dragged him back into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind them. "YOU gave me quite a scare, mister! Might I ask how long you've been standing out there waiting for me?!"
"Not long at all. Explain."
"Oh, what CAN I say?!"
"Considering the fact that you're hiding HERE, which you only do when you're desperately trying to avoid someone, you're obviously upset. So explain."
Lucca was slightly surprised at his small show of concern (and the fact that he had figured out her habits in a few short weeks), but tried to "explain" as best she could. "Let's put it this way: wouldn't YOU be rather scared if the two of us were forced to dine with YOUR parents and your insane old grandmother?"
"No."
"Well, I am! Heck, I'd even be scared if you WEREN'T around! Just take care not to anger Nana; she'll never forget it if you do!"
"I'll ask you this again: WHY didn't we stay at the hotel?! I can think of hundreds of things I'd rather be doing at the moment, and yes, that includes scraping my gums endlessly with a rusty nail."
"Don't act smart! This is not the time for your sarcastic one-liners! Just shut up and act polite when you're out there! I MEAN IT!!"
Magus sighed. "I have no idea why I'm putting up with this..."
"I don't know, because of your endless, undying love for me that knows no bounds?" Lucca asked him teasingly, a small smile forming on her lips.
She only got a glare in reply.
"I thought so. Now might I suggest we stop talking and get back to the kitchen? This looks pretty bad with us in here. My parents might think we're having -you know- a quickie or something." She blushed crimson as the thought of it (although...hmmm...).
Magus had nothing to say. He just smirked and reached for the door.
***
Lucca paled at the sight that awaited them in the kitchen. Oh no---it looked as if Nana had awoken a little early. There she stood, right in the middle of the kitchen, staring at the pair with her crusty, half-closed eyes, a scowl permanently etched on her face... Uh oh, it looked like she was in one of her moods today...
Nana had been quite a formidable woman in her time ("in her time" meaning back when she was still young and spry), but the eight hundred or so years that had passed since then had taken their toll, and she was now down to five feet even and perhaps under a hundred pounds. Her mean attitude hadn't shrunk along with her height, however...
Of course she still held the helpless exterior of a sweet, little old lady that handed out nickels to children and crocheted pillowcases for her grandkids. Her snow-white hair was rolled up into a neat bun atop her head and she wore a large, fuzzy-pink bathrobe that covered her form; matching slippers encased her bony feet. She held a long, twisted walnut cane in one heavily veined hand to help her walk. But then there were the eyes. The eyes were what gave her away. Those dark, calculating eyes that pierced right through you and could almost tell what you were thinking (a lot like Magus's, actually, but his was not in a bad way). No sweet, loveable old lady could have eyes like that. Oh, and one more thing---about the cane? She had a tendency to hit things and even sometimes people with it (if you looked closely you could see the scrapes and dents from previous transgressions on it).
Anyway, it was those dark, calculating eyes that stared intensely at Lucca as Lara smiled and rambled on, "Well, there she is! There's your granddaughter! Say hi to Nana, Lucca!"
"Um, hi," Lucca squeaked, putting her hands behind her back demurely and trying to look like a sweet little girl.
"Well, it's YOU," Nana snorted in reply, coming up to her and squinting at her face, forcing her to lean back in fear. "Huh, still as boy-like as ever. Ever heard of a dress and some makeup, girl?"
This caused Magus, who was standing behind them, to cough loudly in an attempt to keep himself from laughing. Lucca shot him a warning glare, but it was too late. Nana had taken notice of him.
She turned her near-sighted eyes towards him, giving him a once-over in about two seconds before croaking, "And who's that with you? Never seen him before---those goddamn census takers! They never give ya a moment's peace!"
Lara proffered, "Oh no, that's Janus. He's Lucca's boyfriend. Her first---actually."
"Oh, really?" Nana replied almost menacingly, narrowing her crust-filled eyes. "Well, c'mere closer, lad---let me 'ave a look at yer face, my eyes don't see what they used to. Come on now! I don't bite, but my dentures do! Heheheh!"
Magus reluctantly stepped forward, sort of leaning back, looking as if he'd rather be anywhere else on earth at the moment. And for good reason---Nana brushed her teeth about once a year.
Nana peered at him through her enormous glasses for a full moment, studying his face intently. Suddenly she broke out into a twisted smile.
"Well well, you're certainly a goodly-built one," she cackled. "Now if I were about thirty years younger, I'd try 'n' have a go with you, THAT'S for sure."
Aghast at her lewd comment, Magus just stood stock-still, unsure of what he should do next. Finally, seeing that everyone else in the room wasn't going to shut her up and/or help him, he finally managed to reply, "Er---that's nice."
"Speak up, will ya sonny?" Nana said in a loud voice, turning her ear sideways. "I'm as deaf as all Hell!"
There was, again, a complete silence. After a literal moment had passed, Taban decided to come to the rescue. "Hey, why doesn't everyone sit down? I didn't set the table for nothing, you know!"
***
Dinner began with a nerve-racking silence, excluding the forced small talk that everyone was forced to undergo. Lara and Taban of course encouraged this, which probably was a bad idea. After all, Nana DID have some very fixed opinions on current events and could get quite heated if someone disagreed with her.
Nothing extremely bad happened, not until about ten tense minutes had passed, at any rate. It was then that Lara decided to get into details about Magus's personal life. "So Janus, why don't you tell Nana about what you do for a living?"
"Oh uh, uh-" (Damn, what was it again?) Lucca kicked him soundly under the table,
causing him to wince. "I'm a dentist!" he finally spat out, trying to glare at Lucca while attempting to seem credible at the same time.
Nana smiled at him serenely. "Oh, a dentist, eh? Well, you c'n check out my teeth at any time, sonny." With that comment said, she reached into her mouth and removed her dentures. Plopping them into a nearby glass of water, she then shoved it over Magus's way.
Magus wrinkled his nose. "Egh---nice," was all he dared to utter out loud.
Lucca couldn't help it. She suddenly burst into a fit of giggles. The look on Magus's face as he stared at the glass of dentures was just too much for her to bear.
Of course, though, this wouldn't go without consequences. She immediately got glares that could kill from BOTH Nana and Lara. Taban, who was sitting to her right, whispered desperately into her ear, "Quit it or we'll all get killed!" Magus didn't do anything. He continued to stare at the dentures, which floated softly within the clear glass, as if hypnotized.
As soon as Lucca was able to compose herself, Nana narrowed her eyes until they were almost closed and declared her opinion in her grating voice (although perhaps grating wasn't the word for it, as everything she said sounded funny with the removal of her dentures). "Hm! Well, YOU haven't changed at all, ya little purple-haired chit! Nope, not at all! Still tinkerin' with them damn machines all the time, I suppose! Why don'tcha hit some sense inta that girl's head, Lara?! I would 'ave raised m' stick to that little ingrate when she was five years old!" She banged her stick on the table for emphasis, causing the china plates to rattle jarringly.
Ah yes, here was the Mean Nana. Up until now there had been the Nice Nana, placated by a recent nap. But now...she was back. And worse than ever. And it had to be added that whenever she was in Mean Nana mode, this was the time when she ragged on Lucca constantly. This was looking to be a hell of a long dinner....
Lara said in reply to Nana's diatribe, "Now Nana, I've told you again and again that we don't believe in hitting children. And there's already plenty of sense in Lucca's head if you ask me! Taban's always saying how intelligent and what a help to him she is!"
"Hm! Well I DON'T ask you, Lara, and I never did! Yew all must think I was born under a cabbage leaf or somethin'! THAT'S EXACTLY THE PROBLEM, I SAY! Now I'll tell ya somethin' anyway, girl, something MY mother told me and something HER mother told HER...Men don't LIKE girls who're smart!! Like YOU, girl! All a girl YER age should be concerned about is her wedding! HM, and you don't even do THAT!! Yer chances of snagging a man are dismal, DISMAL I TELL YOU!!" She banged her stick again, harder this time, managing to pick her nose at the same time with her other knobbly hand.
Lucca was about to point out that she had a man right here, but Nana didn't even give her a chance to reply. She went on, her eye twitching convulsively, "Yew don't totally have hope against ya, girl, but yew don't have a lot, either. Yew can't change the looks yer born with, for one thing. I don't know how normal-lookin' parents could possibly produce an ugly-lookin' girl like YOU, I say-" She banged her stick yet again, but this time even harder than the first two whacks combined. This caused the glass with the dentures to spill over---right onto Magus's lap.
A hush pervaded the room immediately. Magus just stared blankly down at the dentures, not wanting to touch them at all. He inwardly cursed himself for not wearing his gloves.
Nana was the first one to say something. "Well, give 'em here, sonny," she cackled, an old, withered smile spreading upon her wrinkled features. "They won't bite ya. Or should I say, I hope not, eh?" She threw back her head and laughed a grating, croaky laugh that caused everyone around to give off an involuntary shudder.
Lucca rolled her eyes. "Oh, hold still!" she commanded Magus; and, grabbing a napkin, she then proceeded to gingerly pick the accursed chewing instruments up from his lap. Smiling sweetly, she handed the bundle to Nana, who had lost interest in the dentures and was now looking down at something else.
Lara was still a little concerned. "Oh, Janus, honey?" she inquired, looking more than a little frazzled. "I bet you're sopping wet from that -uh- glass. Why don't you go to the bathroom and wash up?"
The voice that replied was that of a man who had undergone many impossible trials laced with his usual deadly sarcasm. "Now that," he declared, "is a capital idea. I think I shall do that. But first I need a favor-" He stared at Nana pointedly.
Nana gave him her toothless old grin. "Anything you want, sonny!"
"Will you get your hand off my leg?"
Nana's face fell but she did as he asked. Magus then went off and headed down the hallway adjoining the kitchen with his usual sweeping gait.
Lucca sighed. Crap. Now her safety net was gone. How wonderful. And things couldn't get much worse; Nana was on an especially bad roll tonight. Hitting on Magus---was she insane? She stared intently across the table at her grandmother. Was the woman drunk? Nope---she looked perfectly sober. All of her actions were of her own free will. Shifting slightly in her seat, Lucca crossed her legs and hoped for the best, praying that she wouldn't be seeing any explosions or black holes coming from the direction of the bathroom any time soon. She had seen the look on Magus's face when he had hurried off, and it had looked like he had just swallowed a whole can of motor oil. That, obviously, could not be good.
The remaining four continued to eat in silence. Or as silent as it could get, considering that Nana always slurped and chewed noisily when she ate. Lucca stared at the woman in hatred. This was starting to be one of the most embarrassing nights of her life. Magus DID have a point; why hadn't they just stayed and had a quiet night back at the hotel?
After slurping up a huge chunk of fish and crunching loudly on its brittle, flaky bones, Nana decided that it was time to start up again. "What be you lookin' at, girl?" she challenged Lucca boldly. "Yew just angry about me tellin' the truth?! You're a DISGRACE to my family, a DISGRACE I tell you! If I wuz YOUR mother, I'd-"
She continued on and on with her tirade, barely pausing to even take a breath. Lucca was forced to doggedly listen to her ranting, as she had no other option at the moment. As time went on, she continued to become more and more red in the cheeks and even silently implored to Lara and Taban for some help, but they shook their heads helplessly. Not even THEY could stand up against the evilness of Nana.
Suddenly, though, something nudged her foot. Lucca looked around her to find the source, only to find that in the middle of all this Magus had returned. She hadn't even noticed; after all, pretending to be extremely absorbed in your plate of fish was quite a daunting task. But what was he doing?!
His intent became quite clear when she was nudged again, and his lower leg slowly but deliberately began to wrap itself around hers. Of all the weird things that had happened already tonight, of all the things good and evil...he was trying to play FOOTSIE with her! She stared at him incredulously, wondering if he was drunk and/or insane, but there was no sign of anything. Just a mischievous smirk on his face. So he wanted to play with her head, did he? Well, she'd have to fight back!
She wrapped her other foot around his tightly, working to get her smaller shoe into the wide opening of the top of his boot. Of course, it didn't work. He just coiled his leg around tighter, lightly touching it with his other foot. Ooooo, damn him! He had easily won!
Lucca silently cursed to herself, figuring out her next move. It would have to be quick; the feeling was so nice and warm, but her circulation was getting cut off. Inspiration suddenly struck and she decided to kick her companion with her half-free foot. Hard.
"OW!"
Everyone turned to stare at him curiously. Even Nana quit her rants and looked over at Magus, who was trying to look inconspicuous while managing to rub his ankle at the same time.
"Is there anything wrong, Janus?" Lara questioned, putting down her fork.
"Um, no," Lucca interceded, trying to think fast. "Um, um, he's just so WORRIED about Crono, you see. The poor guy might be completely lost by now for all we know!"
At this Lara glanced at the clock. "Heavens, look at the time! It's nearly nine-thirty! I had totally lost track of time!" She stood up. "I think you two had better leave and go look for him. Poor boy, he could get mugged or kidnapped out on these dangerous streets!"
Lucca and Magus needed no second bidding. Untangling their other feet from each other, they immediately stood up and hurried for the door as fast as possible, Lucca calling out a hasty goodbye to her parents.
Lara followed them out to the front porch. "Listen, I'm so sorry about my mother, Janus," she said apologetically, leaning on the front rail. "Now I can't say that what she did was totally abnormal, but...She's been on so much medication lately that she doesn't even know what she's been saying."
"Oh, that's all right," said Magus in his most charming voice, putting his hand on Lucca's shoulder and starting to turn away. "She's quite a piece compared to MY parents. Mother's been feeling quite suicidal of late, and Father---well, what can I say---HE'S been dead ever since she pushed him off the highest place in the world."
"Oh, you poor dear!" Lara exclaimed, feeling quite touched at this story. "You must have had quite a time growing up!"
Magus just rolled his eyes.
"Well, see you two!" Lara went on. "Make sure you find Crono now! Take care!"
***
It had clouded up while they had been in Nana's house, so they only had the yellowish light of the street lamps to go by as they headed back to the hotel.
"Medication my ass," Magus fumed quietly, his hands jammed in his pockets. "That woman had it in for me!"
"Well, at least she liked YOU, buddy," Lucca retorted. "You didn't have her telling you that you were worthless, ugly, and dorky!"
"Need I remind you?! You ARE dorky."
"Oh, hush a minute! And why were you playing footsie with me before you left?! I'm sure it wasn't because of any warm feelings in your good old heart!"
"Well, you needed SOMETHING to distract you while you were getting the ass chewing of your life! And I also knew you would be angry..."
"I sure was!" Lucca shot back. "And weirded out! You're the LAST person who would ever start up a game of footsie under a table!"
"Hmpfh!"
"Oh, hmpfh yourself! I hope Nana sprayed corn all over your fat face! You WERE sitting pretty close, weren't you?"
"Not by choice. And I've had worse happen to me. Ozzie eating a whole barrel of fish heads right next to you DOES spell disaster, doesn't it?"
"Well, at least I didn't get hit on by a ninety year-old woman!"
"At least I wasn't called a purple-haired chit---ten consecutive times!"
"At least I didn't have a pair of dentures thrown into my lap and was too scared to pick 'em up!"
"What WAS that about anyway?" He gave her a sideways glance. "Although-" He turned back and gave her a meaningful look.
Lucca got his meaning. "You- YOU PERVERT!" she screeched angrily, looking for something on the ground to chuck at him. She found a clump of mud and ended up throwing that. It hit his upper arm and caused him to throw some back. It hit the top of her head and caused HER call out some very choice words at him.
A totally chaotic mud-fight then ensued in which there was no clear winner. Each one pelted the other with clumps of mud, kicking up stagnant water from the previous day's rains.
"You BASTARD! I just BOUGHT that shirt!"
"Hmpfh! Too bad, geek!"
"You're such a pervert, you know that?! Maybe everything I've been saying about you all long is TRUE!"
"You wish!"
"And what is THAT supposed to mean, you ass?!"
***
They finally limped back to the hotel a half an hour later, the mud plastered all over them finally starting to dry. Magus shut his room door behind them, and gave Lucca quite the imposing glare.
"Now next time anyone suggests going out, you will say-"
"No way in HELL!"
"Perfect."
"Hey, is that a hot tub in there?" Lucca wondered, shuffling towards the bathroom. "Damn you! All I've got is a shower! And Ayla. Who snores." She looked up towards the ceiling, which was directly under her room, wincing at the thought.
"I pity you."
"You should!" Lucca shot back. "And that's why I'm taking my bath here! But promise me something first!"
"And what would that be?"
"That you won't do what you did last time!"
"And that is?" Magus continued to prompt.
Lucca stood up on her tiptoes and imitated Magus. "YOU! Get out of there! You shouldn't be angering, I, the Mystic King who failed to summon Lavos, or I'll incinerate you to an ashy pulp!"
"Uh, no."
"Good."
"Good."
"..."
"..."
Oh no, it was the awkward silence again. This ALWAYS happened when they were alone, and as a rule it had to be uncomfortable and tension-filled. Because although they had finally confessed their feelings to one another, it was almost as if they were afraid...
"Uh..."
"Uh..."
"Oh, just come here already!"
"You could have SAID something, you know, instead of just standing there." Magus crossed the room in one swift movement, wrapping his arms around her and gently sneaking a kiss on her mouth.
"Well, why didn't YOU just say something?" Lucca pointed out as his head dipped down to give especial attention to her neck. She shuddered at he nipped at the tender skin gently and worked up to along her jawline.
He replied with a harder, more bruising kiss, causing her to inhale sharply as his tongue slid into her mouth to meet hers. Lucca's hands worked up from his shoulders to his neck, massaging his pale skin lightly, as his slid down ever further to end up down near her hips. He suddenly broke the kiss, allowing it to linger by biting her lower lip slightly...
She let out a silent whimper as he started up yet again, this time pressing her to him tightly and kissing her more passionately than ever, causing both of them to moan. Her hand flew up to stroke his hair, which was still full of dust and dried mud. As soon as he broke their liplock yet again, this time her biting his lip, she firmly grabbed his hands and urged that they quit standing up doing this. Hence, the sofa.
"Why do you always seem to like this the most when I'm dirty, smelly, angry at you, or crying?" she half-whispered to him there, snuggling up to him from the side.
"I have no idea," he murmured feverishly, pulling the collar of her shirt back slightly and planting kisses on her bare, warm shoulder. "There's no-"
Lucca shut him up by kissing him herself. When they had parted, however, she remembered something...
"I honestly should take that bath now."
Magus groaned. "Why do you always come up with an idea whenever we're in the middle of something?"
"Oh no, you've got me wrong."
"Then enlighten me," he half-muttered as he kissed the base of her neck.
"You're coming, too."
"Oh, really?..." He seemed to get her drift.
"Now."
"I'm not complaining."
They both got up and headed for the bathroom, making sure to shut the door behind them.
Author's Note: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! There, now that that's out, I can rest easily. I've got just three more chapters now, but I have to tell you, things are gonna take a turn for the serious. It's towards the end, after all. There's no way I can make a last battle funny. Not unless I have some Sin/Lavos slash, anyway. Just kidding, just kidding! I'm not really a fan of slash, but Sin and Lavos slash, ugh, that's just terrible.
And remember to review this, please! I know I've probably said this every chapter, but please: REVIEW!!