You are given a set of choices with almost each step down the path of your
life, and with these choices come unique and unavoidable consequences. And
it is up to you, since it is, after all, your life, to weigh these choices
and consequences and make the decision on how your next step will fall.
Sha Gojyo was facing a measure of choice before him now as he sat tangled
at the waist with thin and worn bed sheets from yet another inn, staring
across the moonlit room as a certain monkey drew in deep breathes and
released them as loud gurgling snores.
Choice #1: Roll over and press his pillow firmly against his ear in a feeble attempt to block out the grating noise.
Consequence: A sleepless night since the puny feathers in his pillow were never any match for the might of the monkey's lungs.
Choice #2: Walk over there armed with said pillow and press it firmly against the drooling idiot's face.
Consequence: The snoring would stop, but it would be replaced by yelling and screaming after the saru bucks him off (because Goku is pretty freakin' strong for a moron with sinus problems), followed by at best a pissed-off monk barging in after getting woken up, screaming at them to shut the FUCK up, and firing couple of rounds in their direction. At worst, all of the above, along with an ejection from the inn for creating yet another disturbance for all of the more calm and less insane guests, which would leave all four of them sleeping out in the jeep, where he would spend the remainder of the night seated next to the snoring monkey anyway.
You are given a set of choices with almost each step down the path of your life, and in the life of Sha Gojyo, they were often crappy ones. So he took choice #3, where he sat his ass down on the path and decided to have a smoke.
He slipped from the dark room away from the noisy monkey to the front porch of the inn where he could enjoy his cigarette in peace. The old floorboards shifted and creaked under his weight as he sat on the top step. The sudden flare from his lighter was the only fleeting source of light in the still of the night in the sleepy town the foursome had stopped to rest. The street was deserted at the late hour and Gojyo considered spending the night where he was in order to take advantage of the quiet. He leaned his head back as he felt the familiar taste of nicotine begin to settle his nerves, and he focused on the night sky. There were thick clouds masking most of the stars, and although he could taste traces of moisture in the air, the rain held back its fall. This was good, because it meant that at least Sanzou, and more importantly Hakkai, would be given a chance at undisturbed rest for the night.
It seemed like forever (and thanks to Gojyo's assigned roommate, even longer in his case) since any of them had enjoyed any hours of uninterrupted sleep. The trials of the last few weeks involving Humora and his men had taken a toll on the group. Each had been pushed to and then beyond their personal limits, and then pushed some more. The final showdown in the youkai tower had been weeks ago, and they were now just reaching the point where their bodies were catching up with their minds acknowledging that the gods were really gone and that particular threat had been halted.
What really had gotten to Gojyo was the feeling that as strenuous and dangerous this last trial had been, that it was most likely not going to be the worst, and certainly not the last, challenge that lay ahead on their westward journey. When he followed Hakkai out the door of their home all of those months ago, it had been for an adventure; a chance to cut loose and use his skills to their limits while maybe saving the world from youkai along the way. It was a kick, really, when his friend had told him about the monk's journey and request for their company. Imagine, Sha Gojyo; drinker, gambler, free-loading half-breed who had only ever done one thing that was worthwhile in his entire existence, could actually take part in saving this piece of crap world. That concept was just too funny to not go, and besides, Hakkai was going, and that alone was reason enough to drop his entire life and follow.
He felt a slight burn against his lips as he pulled on the cigarette still resting in his mouth indicating that it had burned as low as it was getting. Instead of dashing it out, he chain lit a second one and settled back more firmly on his perch. He was not eager to go back in to face the snoring chimp, and he doubted anyway that sleep was within his grasp now that these thoughts were swirling insistently in his mind.
He smiled suddenly, as he thought back on another burn against his lips of a different nature. His ruby eyes slid shut as he tried, as he had many times since it had first happened, to pull up the sensations of that moment when his lips had finally made their way to Hakkai's. The kiss was the most natural thing in the world, something it seemed his body had been telling him to do since day one, and when it had finally happened that restless night under the deep cover of the still forest, it was as if the entire crazy universe they had been tripping through had shifted and clicked into place telling him, 'yes, this is where you belong, this is the way things are suppose to be, and its about damn time you figured it out you dim-wit.'
The smile slipped reluctantly from his face as he remembered that that perfect moment had been all too fleeting. Even as each nerve in his body that had been singed and awakened by that small contact urged him to get on with it, get even closer, as close as possible, *closer*, the very small part of his brain that was still capable of thought beyond the taste on his lips had told him that something was wrong. That was when he noticed the tremors coursing through Hakkai's body. He had pulled back and whispered his friend's name, but received no response other than the increase of violence with which the converted youkai shook. He knew then that where ever Hakkai was behind the tightly shut eyelids, he was no longer with Gojyo against that tree, and that scared the half-breed more than any vicious youkai had the power to do. Because he didn't know a lot of things, but he knew that there wasn't any place that Hakkai went to that he wouldn't follow, and if he couldn't follow, then he sure as hell wouldn't letting the other go without him. That had already happened to him once in his life, and once was enough, so he did the only thing that he could think of, he pulled his best friend into his arms tightly, stroking his head and down his back, calling out to him with nonsense words, waiting for Hakkai to turn back from wherever he had gone to and return to Gojyo, where he was needed most.
It was a small shock to him when he lifted his tired sunset-stained eyes and saw the edges of the deep night sky tinged with the gray of the approaching morning. His cigarette had long since burned out and was laying on the ground beside his feet, discarded almost unconsciously some time ago while Gojyo was lost in thought. He looked at it in annoyance, feeling foolish to have gotten so wrapped up in his memories that he had lost track of passing time. He did not like to feel sentimental about anything; he considered it a wasted emotion. After all, sentiment never did anything good for you. Sentiment left you lying in a corner, kneeling in your mother's blood, as it walked out the door and left you alone.
"You are up quite early, Gojyo."
He started slightly at the gentle lilt of Hakkai's voice as it broke through his thoughts and brought him back even more firmly to the present. Hakkai was standing in his poised polite manner behind Gojyo with his signature smile firmly in place. The redhead looked away fixing his gaze outwards. He found himself feeling ridiculously fragile in the early morning haze, and needed to look anywhere but that smile that now hurt his soul, as it did from time to time, when his barriers were just a little lowered.
"More like up late." He replied in a carefully casual voice. "Couldn't get any decent rest with all the Saru's racket. He's as noisy and annoying sleeping as he is awake."
He heard a polite chuckle in response, and reached to light another cigarette. He expected the conversation to be closed, and for the other man to retreat to do whatever weird Hakkai thing that had gotten him out of his own bed so early. Ever since that night when they had shared the disastrous kiss, long intimate conversation had been halted between the two friends. It was something that Gojyo desperately missed, but he was as willing to admit that almost as much as he was willing to admit his true fondness for Goku.
Unexpectedly, he felt the shift of worn wood and the heat of Hakkai's body as the other man sat beside him on the porch of the inn. They sat there in silence for a time, emeralds and rubies surveying the horizon for the dawn, until Gojyo could no longer take the quiet companionship that was now filled with a tense strain. When he spoke, his voice betrayed a slight gruffness.
"So what has you up so early? Or couldn't you sleep, either?"
"No, no, I slept very well. However, it looks like the good weather is going to hold, and Sanzou mentioned getting an early start if it did. I had promised Goku a big breakfast before we left, so I was on my way to the kitchen when I saw you sitting out here."
Gojyo snorted.
"You baby that brat too much. There are people here that can fix him breakfast without you dragging your ass out of bed early to fix it for him."
"True, but Goku has expressed on more than one occasion his fondness for my cooking. It's nice to be able to treat him when the chance comes."
"Whatever. I'm just saying that you give in to that kid too much."
"I can only give what I am able to."
The switch in currents happened so quickly, that it took Gojyo a second to realize that the last response was not really directed at Goku and his immense stomach. He risked a look at his friend beside him, and saw that the other man was no longer smiling, but instead staring down at his open palm, as he had a habit of doing when he was truly troubled.
Without real thought, Gojyo reached out and grabbed the scrutinized hand and held it between his own. He fixed his eyes on the trapped open hand now resting in his lap as he stroked his calloused thumb down the center of the soft warm palm, tracing the all too short lifeline. He began to speak without lifting his eyes to meet Hakkai's startled ones.
"I don't know why you give this thing so much attention. It doesn't mean shit you know. Its just a stupid line in your hand that everyone has, and some are longer than others, but that don't mean that Death will be looking at your damn hands when he comes for you. My mom had a really long lifeline, you know, and it didn't do her a hell of a lot of good, now did it?"
He knew he was babbling, but could not stop. He knew that his actions, that relentlessly tracing Hakkai's lifeline and pulling past it as if he was trying to physically extend its length was in conflict with his words, but he could not stop.
He stopped when Hakkai broke free from his grasp with a small tug, and instead completely reclaiming his stolen hand, reached up and gently cupped the scarred side of Gojyo's face.
The half-breed closed his eyes, unwilling to look at his friend, afraid of what he would see now that masks were breaking and honesty rushed to claim the moment. In the darkness of his apprehension, he was only aware of the soft touch of the palm that seemed to support his entire body in its gentle grasp, could only feel the whispered trace of fingertips against his raised scars, was only able to recognize the faint tick of pressure where Hakkai's pulse point rested against his cheek.
"I don't know what I can give to you, Gojyo. I've never known. You ask for nothing but want everything that I have, everything that I am, but I don't know if you understand how little of me there is left to give."
At some point during the rushed quiet words, a second hand reached out framing Gojyo's face. He felt his head being pulled closer to Hakkai, until he tasted the sound of the other man's whisper on his lips.
"I don't know why I can't stop wanting to give you things with empty hands. I don't know-"
"You don't know much of anything, do you?"
The confession was halted at the harshness of Gojyo's interruption. He felt Hakkai stiffen, and then start to pull away in hurt and confusion. Before he could, however, Gojyo's hands shot out grasping his friend's face and pulled him roughly back. His eyes opened and he stared into the now so vulnerable green eyes before him, pinning the other with the intensity of his gaze.
"But you know what? Neither do I. I don't know anything. Sanzou doesn't know anything either, and Goku sure as hell doesn't. There isn't one god damn soul on this world who has a clue about anything, and the sooner you recognize that, the sooner you can stop torturing yourself and just get on with it."
He had no idea where the words that were spilling from him were coming from, but they rushed from him like an unstoppable storm. He tasted their sting as they pushed past his lips, tasted the terrible power of a moment where self-concept is broken by the rawness of the soul.
"We aren't supposed to know anything. Things are just the way they are, the way they are suppose to be, and us knowing them ain't going to make them any more or any less real. They just are."
He pulled the stunned man closer, needing to eliminate all space between them, feeling that there had been too much space between them for far too long. His lips were pressed against Hakkai's, and when he spoke, his mouth moved against the other man's in a harsh parody of a kiss.
"This. Just. Is."
They stayed that way for endless minutes, the only sound in the still night came form their harsh mingled breathes.
When Gojyo felt movement against his lips, his first thought was that Hakkai was responding to his all but insensible words. But when no sound came from the other man, Gojyo quite dumbly realized that he was indeed being kissed. There was no room for shock, no room for anything other than kisses it seemed, so Gojyo caught up with Hakkai, who was always one step ahead of him, and fell into the embrace.
Choice #1: Roll over and press his pillow firmly against his ear in a feeble attempt to block out the grating noise.
Consequence: A sleepless night since the puny feathers in his pillow were never any match for the might of the monkey's lungs.
Choice #2: Walk over there armed with said pillow and press it firmly against the drooling idiot's face.
Consequence: The snoring would stop, but it would be replaced by yelling and screaming after the saru bucks him off (because Goku is pretty freakin' strong for a moron with sinus problems), followed by at best a pissed-off monk barging in after getting woken up, screaming at them to shut the FUCK up, and firing couple of rounds in their direction. At worst, all of the above, along with an ejection from the inn for creating yet another disturbance for all of the more calm and less insane guests, which would leave all four of them sleeping out in the jeep, where he would spend the remainder of the night seated next to the snoring monkey anyway.
You are given a set of choices with almost each step down the path of your life, and in the life of Sha Gojyo, they were often crappy ones. So he took choice #3, where he sat his ass down on the path and decided to have a smoke.
He slipped from the dark room away from the noisy monkey to the front porch of the inn where he could enjoy his cigarette in peace. The old floorboards shifted and creaked under his weight as he sat on the top step. The sudden flare from his lighter was the only fleeting source of light in the still of the night in the sleepy town the foursome had stopped to rest. The street was deserted at the late hour and Gojyo considered spending the night where he was in order to take advantage of the quiet. He leaned his head back as he felt the familiar taste of nicotine begin to settle his nerves, and he focused on the night sky. There were thick clouds masking most of the stars, and although he could taste traces of moisture in the air, the rain held back its fall. This was good, because it meant that at least Sanzou, and more importantly Hakkai, would be given a chance at undisturbed rest for the night.
It seemed like forever (and thanks to Gojyo's assigned roommate, even longer in his case) since any of them had enjoyed any hours of uninterrupted sleep. The trials of the last few weeks involving Humora and his men had taken a toll on the group. Each had been pushed to and then beyond their personal limits, and then pushed some more. The final showdown in the youkai tower had been weeks ago, and they were now just reaching the point where their bodies were catching up with their minds acknowledging that the gods were really gone and that particular threat had been halted.
What really had gotten to Gojyo was the feeling that as strenuous and dangerous this last trial had been, that it was most likely not going to be the worst, and certainly not the last, challenge that lay ahead on their westward journey. When he followed Hakkai out the door of their home all of those months ago, it had been for an adventure; a chance to cut loose and use his skills to their limits while maybe saving the world from youkai along the way. It was a kick, really, when his friend had told him about the monk's journey and request for their company. Imagine, Sha Gojyo; drinker, gambler, free-loading half-breed who had only ever done one thing that was worthwhile in his entire existence, could actually take part in saving this piece of crap world. That concept was just too funny to not go, and besides, Hakkai was going, and that alone was reason enough to drop his entire life and follow.
He felt a slight burn against his lips as he pulled on the cigarette still resting in his mouth indicating that it had burned as low as it was getting. Instead of dashing it out, he chain lit a second one and settled back more firmly on his perch. He was not eager to go back in to face the snoring chimp, and he doubted anyway that sleep was within his grasp now that these thoughts were swirling insistently in his mind.
He smiled suddenly, as he thought back on another burn against his lips of a different nature. His ruby eyes slid shut as he tried, as he had many times since it had first happened, to pull up the sensations of that moment when his lips had finally made their way to Hakkai's. The kiss was the most natural thing in the world, something it seemed his body had been telling him to do since day one, and when it had finally happened that restless night under the deep cover of the still forest, it was as if the entire crazy universe they had been tripping through had shifted and clicked into place telling him, 'yes, this is where you belong, this is the way things are suppose to be, and its about damn time you figured it out you dim-wit.'
The smile slipped reluctantly from his face as he remembered that that perfect moment had been all too fleeting. Even as each nerve in his body that had been singed and awakened by that small contact urged him to get on with it, get even closer, as close as possible, *closer*, the very small part of his brain that was still capable of thought beyond the taste on his lips had told him that something was wrong. That was when he noticed the tremors coursing through Hakkai's body. He had pulled back and whispered his friend's name, but received no response other than the increase of violence with which the converted youkai shook. He knew then that where ever Hakkai was behind the tightly shut eyelids, he was no longer with Gojyo against that tree, and that scared the half-breed more than any vicious youkai had the power to do. Because he didn't know a lot of things, but he knew that there wasn't any place that Hakkai went to that he wouldn't follow, and if he couldn't follow, then he sure as hell wouldn't letting the other go without him. That had already happened to him once in his life, and once was enough, so he did the only thing that he could think of, he pulled his best friend into his arms tightly, stroking his head and down his back, calling out to him with nonsense words, waiting for Hakkai to turn back from wherever he had gone to and return to Gojyo, where he was needed most.
It was a small shock to him when he lifted his tired sunset-stained eyes and saw the edges of the deep night sky tinged with the gray of the approaching morning. His cigarette had long since burned out and was laying on the ground beside his feet, discarded almost unconsciously some time ago while Gojyo was lost in thought. He looked at it in annoyance, feeling foolish to have gotten so wrapped up in his memories that he had lost track of passing time. He did not like to feel sentimental about anything; he considered it a wasted emotion. After all, sentiment never did anything good for you. Sentiment left you lying in a corner, kneeling in your mother's blood, as it walked out the door and left you alone.
"You are up quite early, Gojyo."
He started slightly at the gentle lilt of Hakkai's voice as it broke through his thoughts and brought him back even more firmly to the present. Hakkai was standing in his poised polite manner behind Gojyo with his signature smile firmly in place. The redhead looked away fixing his gaze outwards. He found himself feeling ridiculously fragile in the early morning haze, and needed to look anywhere but that smile that now hurt his soul, as it did from time to time, when his barriers were just a little lowered.
"More like up late." He replied in a carefully casual voice. "Couldn't get any decent rest with all the Saru's racket. He's as noisy and annoying sleeping as he is awake."
He heard a polite chuckle in response, and reached to light another cigarette. He expected the conversation to be closed, and for the other man to retreat to do whatever weird Hakkai thing that had gotten him out of his own bed so early. Ever since that night when they had shared the disastrous kiss, long intimate conversation had been halted between the two friends. It was something that Gojyo desperately missed, but he was as willing to admit that almost as much as he was willing to admit his true fondness for Goku.
Unexpectedly, he felt the shift of worn wood and the heat of Hakkai's body as the other man sat beside him on the porch of the inn. They sat there in silence for a time, emeralds and rubies surveying the horizon for the dawn, until Gojyo could no longer take the quiet companionship that was now filled with a tense strain. When he spoke, his voice betrayed a slight gruffness.
"So what has you up so early? Or couldn't you sleep, either?"
"No, no, I slept very well. However, it looks like the good weather is going to hold, and Sanzou mentioned getting an early start if it did. I had promised Goku a big breakfast before we left, so I was on my way to the kitchen when I saw you sitting out here."
Gojyo snorted.
"You baby that brat too much. There are people here that can fix him breakfast without you dragging your ass out of bed early to fix it for him."
"True, but Goku has expressed on more than one occasion his fondness for my cooking. It's nice to be able to treat him when the chance comes."
"Whatever. I'm just saying that you give in to that kid too much."
"I can only give what I am able to."
The switch in currents happened so quickly, that it took Gojyo a second to realize that the last response was not really directed at Goku and his immense stomach. He risked a look at his friend beside him, and saw that the other man was no longer smiling, but instead staring down at his open palm, as he had a habit of doing when he was truly troubled.
Without real thought, Gojyo reached out and grabbed the scrutinized hand and held it between his own. He fixed his eyes on the trapped open hand now resting in his lap as he stroked his calloused thumb down the center of the soft warm palm, tracing the all too short lifeline. He began to speak without lifting his eyes to meet Hakkai's startled ones.
"I don't know why you give this thing so much attention. It doesn't mean shit you know. Its just a stupid line in your hand that everyone has, and some are longer than others, but that don't mean that Death will be looking at your damn hands when he comes for you. My mom had a really long lifeline, you know, and it didn't do her a hell of a lot of good, now did it?"
He knew he was babbling, but could not stop. He knew that his actions, that relentlessly tracing Hakkai's lifeline and pulling past it as if he was trying to physically extend its length was in conflict with his words, but he could not stop.
He stopped when Hakkai broke free from his grasp with a small tug, and instead completely reclaiming his stolen hand, reached up and gently cupped the scarred side of Gojyo's face.
The half-breed closed his eyes, unwilling to look at his friend, afraid of what he would see now that masks were breaking and honesty rushed to claim the moment. In the darkness of his apprehension, he was only aware of the soft touch of the palm that seemed to support his entire body in its gentle grasp, could only feel the whispered trace of fingertips against his raised scars, was only able to recognize the faint tick of pressure where Hakkai's pulse point rested against his cheek.
"I don't know what I can give to you, Gojyo. I've never known. You ask for nothing but want everything that I have, everything that I am, but I don't know if you understand how little of me there is left to give."
At some point during the rushed quiet words, a second hand reached out framing Gojyo's face. He felt his head being pulled closer to Hakkai, until he tasted the sound of the other man's whisper on his lips.
"I don't know why I can't stop wanting to give you things with empty hands. I don't know-"
"You don't know much of anything, do you?"
The confession was halted at the harshness of Gojyo's interruption. He felt Hakkai stiffen, and then start to pull away in hurt and confusion. Before he could, however, Gojyo's hands shot out grasping his friend's face and pulled him roughly back. His eyes opened and he stared into the now so vulnerable green eyes before him, pinning the other with the intensity of his gaze.
"But you know what? Neither do I. I don't know anything. Sanzou doesn't know anything either, and Goku sure as hell doesn't. There isn't one god damn soul on this world who has a clue about anything, and the sooner you recognize that, the sooner you can stop torturing yourself and just get on with it."
He had no idea where the words that were spilling from him were coming from, but they rushed from him like an unstoppable storm. He tasted their sting as they pushed past his lips, tasted the terrible power of a moment where self-concept is broken by the rawness of the soul.
"We aren't supposed to know anything. Things are just the way they are, the way they are suppose to be, and us knowing them ain't going to make them any more or any less real. They just are."
He pulled the stunned man closer, needing to eliminate all space between them, feeling that there had been too much space between them for far too long. His lips were pressed against Hakkai's, and when he spoke, his mouth moved against the other man's in a harsh parody of a kiss.
"This. Just. Is."
They stayed that way for endless minutes, the only sound in the still night came form their harsh mingled breathes.
When Gojyo felt movement against his lips, his first thought was that Hakkai was responding to his all but insensible words. But when no sound came from the other man, Gojyo quite dumbly realized that he was indeed being kissed. There was no room for shock, no room for anything other than kisses it seemed, so Gojyo caught up with Hakkai, who was always one step ahead of him, and fell into the embrace.