Broken glass crunched under his feet. So cold.
The Harukiya. No. He didn't want to be back here. The darkness was damp and cold. The Harukiya never used to be dark. He wanted the bleary lights back, flickering over the dusty, beer-soaked floor…
"What the hell happened?"
"We should get out of here," he said. "Something bad…"
"You don't know that."
"I do, I – it's already happened, I was there, you died."
"Yeah, right. Tetsuo's gone. It'll be fine, okay?"
And still that cold. The fear made it so hard to breathe – caught in his throat – ached his hands –
"Get out of here! Move it!"
"I know what I'm doing. Tetsuo died. It's all safe now, it's all back to normal."
And he turned, stared round at the torn seats and the rubble and the shattered glasses and bottles covering every surface like glittering snow.
"It's not back to normal! Look at it! It's wrecked! He did it and now he'll kill you and why won't you run?"
"Because it's all safe."
And then – then that laughter.
It whispered down from the darkness, and he wouldn't turn and look, not this time, he knew who it would be, he wouldn't look, he wouldn't –
"A fish out of water dies, huh?"
"No! I won't let you do it! Not this time!"
And he tried to run forward, but Tetsuo put out a hand, fixing him to that one spot on the grubby, glass-spattered floor, and laughed and laughed, wrong laugh, that wasn't his friend, that was somebody else, it had to be –
"Are you…Tetsuo…or someone else?"
And then Yamagata was stepping forward – trying to climb up to him – and falling – and – and –
A fish out of water dies, huh?
He's probably dead, by now.
Did you notice that the owner's dead?
What – Yamagata's dead?
Water dies…probably dead…owner's dead…Yamagata's dead…Yamagata's dead…dead…dead…
Wake up, wake up now please wake up, please…please…
And suddenly he was opening his eyes, and the dream was torn away from them, the laughter had stopped, and all he could hear was rain smashing against the building, and Kaneda snoring.
Still he was trembling.
Sitting up, Kai wrapped his arms round his knees, and breathed out, slowly, painfully, waiting for his heart rate to return to normal.
His eyes slipped into the darkness, and he began to make out shapes in it. Normal shapes. A cracked, rain-dribbled window. The corner of the mattress, the sheet tangled and half-untucked. Kaneda curled up on the other mattress. Safe shapes. Shapes that blocked out the Harukiya and its wreckage, and Tetsuo staring down, ghostly-sickly-pale, and his smile…and Yamagata struggling to pick himself up, and and and…
He had to stop thinking about this. He had to.
How can I? How can I just stop? I – I should've done something…why didn't I do something…I'm sorry…I'm sorry…
He could say it a billion times and it wouldn't be enough, because it wouldn't do anything.
The wind moaned outside, and oozed through the cracks in the corners, sending dust skittering across the floor. A handful of rain hit the window like gravel. It sounded so cold in here. So lonely. No one else in the world was awake. He was alone in the darkness, he was alone…
Just lie down and sleep, he told his mind. Things'll look better in the morning.
No they damn well won't. The sun just shows up all the broken glass more.
Okay, well, whatever…but don't just sit here whining like that. You got to sleep. You want to fall asleep in the day, on the bike, and drive off a cliff?
I can't sleep. I'm not going back there again. I won't.
So, getting up, he crept over to the window, rested his forehead against the cool glass, and stared out over the city.
Some city.
It was raining again, great waves of it breaking over the sunken, cracked skyscrapers. Seemed like it had never stopped raining since all that shit had happened. The rain was seeping in under the broken window frame, down the wall and over his feet. Everything was cold now. Everything sucked now.
And it's all your fault, Tetsuo, you bastard, I hate you, I hate you…
He couldn't sleep, ever. That dream clutched at the back of his throat. If he slept, he'd fall straight back into it, and he couldn't. He couldn't. Some things were too horrible to see more than once…some things were too horrible to see at all…
Ain't it enough you made me see it then? You got to pick on me every damn night?
If only he'd –
Oh no. He wasn't getting into that again. You could think a million things beginning with those two words. And there was no point, because time didn't run backwards, had never run backwards, so it didn't matter how much you knew about how to fix it. You couldn't.
And yet, if you thought about it enough…surely, surely, someone up there would be nice and let you go back, just once, just change that one thing. No one'd mind. And then – then he'd be safe, then it would all be okay.
He'd laugh at you for being such a wimp. He'd laugh his ass off.
I wouldn't care, though. He'd be there to laugh. He'd be there.
He found himself glancing at tall guys, wondering if – if somehow he'd, they'd, made a mistake, if maybe, maybe…
Don't think about that. Don't think about it. You're always wrong anyway. He's not here, okay?
Yeah, he shouldn't think about it. It stabbed when he was wrong.
Kaneda muttered something, and rolled over, dragging his blanket over his head. Kai watched him a moment, wondering if he was gonna wake up, but soon decided he wouldn't. Pity. It wasn't like he had anything he wanted to say to Kaneda at the moment. But it would just be nice to have someone else alive and awake with you. The night felt so cold. And so empty.
Probably was. Every day they saw the same; piles of rubble, with people desperately digging. Twisted, half-crushed bodies. Hands scrabbling from under clouds of concrete.
So if there's so many like that, why're you whining about one person?
He was my friend.
You'll have other friends.
That was such a dumb thought he didn't even bother to answer it, just hunched his shoulders and stared back out at the rain. His toes were almost numb now, and the rainwater soaked into his sleeves.
He was my friend. Kaneda and Tetsuo, and me and him. That's how it was.
If only there was someone who'd just – just – act normal, act like they had before everything had happened. Someone who'd just…remind him of old times, times with cool music and charging through the city with the lights blurring in front of your eyes, someone who'd just be himself, and make fun of him sometimes, but just be there, not especially heroic, not amazing, just someone who'd ride with him and want to spend time with him, not some stupid girl…
So basically, you want Yamagata to console you about his own death. Twisted. Very twisted.
Kai snorted at the thought, and the snort turned into a sob, which he quickly swallowed.
Oh, he would really laugh now you're crying. Either that or slap you upside the head.
You knew you were getting lonely when you started missing someone hitting you.
But he was lonely. Kaneda was always off with his girl, and everyone else was dead or missing or…or whatever happened to Tetsuo.
Yeah, you were all right, weren't you? You get to vanish off to some lovely Heaven or whatever in a blaze of damn white light. You're probably looking down on us all right now and you're killing yourself laughing.
Now – in the darkness, in his head – was the only time he could talk like this. He knew better to even mention Tetsuo to Kaneda. Not that his friend would shoot him for doing so or nothing. But it was just – Tetsuo was personal now. Tetsuo had been Kaneda's friend. And no matter how much you hated him, you couldn't say so because – it would just be ugly, okay.
He and that girl probably talk about Tetsuo all the time. Talk about everything. Do stuff together and all. Bet they're always talking about how misunderstood he was. How we should all be crying over him. Well, I'm not. I hate him. I hate him. He's a freak and he's a killer…he killed him…he wouldn't even let him get up, would he, couldn't even fight fair…and he knew what he was gonna do…he looked at me, and he knew it was gonna hurt me if he did it, and he smiled…
…and he went ahead and did it anyway…
His eyes burned, and he rubbed one rain-spattered hand across them.
No. These words hurt him, they were childish, they were like needles. This wasn't fair. He didn't hate Tetsuo. Tetsuo was a friend. But he did hate the person who'd smashed the Harukiya, and who'd…who'd…
More tears were sticking in his throat like he'd swallowed broken glass.
You're my friend and I just want you to be alive again…
A gust of rain slapped him across the face like a wet sheet, and he shivered, the cold rushing down his neck and over his back.
You better get back to bed, he told himself. Or you'll get pneumonia or somethin', and who the hell knows where we can find a doctor in this place?
I just want you to be alive again…
He scurried back to the mattress, still shivering, and lay down, and stared at the crack across the ceiling. Soon this building would collapse like the last one they'd squatted in. Then they'd move on, find some other place. Maybe Kaneda and Kei would get seriously couply, and tell him to go find his own place.
Then he'd really be alone.
I just want you to be alive again…
Closing his eyes, he tried not to think of…of anything. Tried to make his brain blank, dark, silent.
It wasn't.
I just want you to be alive again…
A fish out of water dies…
I just want you to be alive…
Dead, by now…
Want you to be alive…
Yamagata's dead…
Dead…
Dead.