Without You
By spheeris1
Pairing: Anthy/Utena
Warnings/Notes: Anthy POV, a songfic-poetry-ficlet fusion, low angst, set after series
Inspired by Kim Richey
Song lyrics known by the /…./
~~~
/I made a bed of roses
Dreamed of islands in the air
Walked on Spanish beaches
Shook the petals from my hair, my hair/
~~~
I like to paint. To draw the tiny bristles over the canvas, to spread a chosen color in one long sweep. It strikes me as beautiful. A cut of red or blue or green amidst stark white.
The contrast is beautiful.
And each one is placed upon the wall. Like a gallery. I finish one only to start on another.
I paint the sunrise. I paint the sunset. I paint the ocean. I paint the hidden coral.
I paint the sand and the sky.
Standing back, arms crossed….feigning a critical air at my creations.
I try to find it funny that every picture is tinged with pink.
At the edge.
Hiding beneath yellows and oranges. Hinting at the end of clouds.
Just beyond my vision.
Just beyond my reach.
~~~
It is a feeling I have felt before. Blissful freedom. That wonderful sensation as summer breezes caress your skin, not heavy or humid. Just light.
I remember feeling freedom once. In a kiss, long ago. It felt like this gentle wind on my arms, legs and face.
Tugging at my loosened hair, playing with strands of violet at dawn.
I dig my toes into wet sand and let the saltwater wash over me.
And I no longer lie to myself. About how I feel. About what I want or what I need.
Or what I have done in the past.
None of it is a blur. I remember it all with vivid clarity.
But I no longer cry.
I sit amongst the waves, letting them pull and push at me.
And I see you smiling from the distant horizon, a bright and shining sight that hovers for a moment….
Then descends with the daylight.
/freed some birds from cages
Let them drift into the blue
I've written lovesick pages
Stayed up late and watched the moon/
~~~
Without you. I am without you.
At night, I rest upon crisp linen. The curtain blows silent. The rolling sea is my companion, steady tide to lull me to slumber.
/without you without you/
I dream of roses still. I toss their fragrant petals high into the air and watch them fall. I laugh out loud and reach out to you.
Your hands are sure and strong. Your eyes are not in pain, but overflowing with joy.
Hot whispers into my ears, tender kisses upon my lips.
I beg you to stay, to never stop touching me, to never stop….never stop….never stop….
I awake with a start, shivering upon the floor.
Naked skin touching the chilled wood, my hands trailing over gooseflesh and trembling desire.
Exploring.
Pleasuring.
Exhaling into the night, wishing for you.
~~~
/I road on waves of incense
Nag Hamati ancient bell
Freed my shrines of pretense
And of things too hard to tell, to tell/
I have black and white pictures, stored carefully into plastic.
Of Nepal. Of Ireland. Of Columbia.
I can taste sugarcane. I can taste salt on the rim of my glass.
I relish the juice running down my chin from mangos, tangerines, pears.
I crack into shellfish and lick warm butter from my lips.
You would be proud I think.
How independent I am now…how eager I am to live and breathe, without constraint.
Without guilt and without shame.
But with this newfound release comes a sacrifice.
I have lost you.
Tiny, desperate and lovesick voices echo in my head….begging me to keep searching for you.
Instead, I sit at this weather-beaten house. I walk across gray and creaking wood planks.
I collect shells and I listen to them at night.
Not hearing the pulse of the deep blue,
But your cherished voice.
/laid on clover hillsides
Caught the scent of honeydew
Lay awake nights sometimes
'til blackness turned to blue/
~~~
It is hell without you. To no longer have you near. To no longer hear you calling my name. To no longer watch the moonlight play over your cotton-candy hair, splayed upon pillows of lavender…
/without you without you/
I run the length of the beach.
I run at night. I think sometimes I want to dive into the water and let it swallow me whole.
Then I step away.
And I keep running. Always running.
Arms outstretched and spinning, gazing up into the heavens.
Millions of stars twinkle in the black.
And I scream your name, though no sound emits from my mouth.
I climb the rocks and cut my feet. I search the hidden depths for you, for a glimpse of you.
Just waves.
Just air.
Just night.
Sometimes, I think this island is a trap. This world within a world….I am waiting for someone to turn the glass globe upside-down.
To be caught again, caged, bound.
But the first shafts of sunlight catch my eye.
This is real.
This is real.
Oh God, isn't this real?
~~~
/I faced sun on water
At the end of my remorse
Became a laughing daughter
On a spotted stallion horse, ooh/
I started to bleed.
A slow trickle, sinking into my white cotton shirt.
I stared in horror at the color. The deep and spreading claret from an old wound.
A dead wound.
I locked the doors and locked the windows.
I was shaking as my hands drew a blanket over my body.
I watched the day go by from the window, afraid…..fearful of what might come to my door.
I had nightmares. Of pale violet hair and tanned skin. Of someone on top of me, heavy and hot.
His voice rumbled in the distance.
Calling, begging, pleading.
I ripped the gauze from my chest. I let my nails slice it open further.
He asked for my heart but it was gone.
'She has it….' I whispered.
And he cried.
/I was a note that landed
On the shores of Xanadu
My wishes all were granted
What more could I do/
~~~
I do not want to be without you.
I do not want to be without you.
I am saying it as I create sand castles and then let them be washed away.
I watch with my breath held as towers slowly crumble and disappear.
Towers that hold princesses. Towers that hold secrets. Towers of dark knowledge.
I close my eyes and I remember your hand reaching out to me.
I imagine myself grabbing onto you.
Running away with you.
Smiling with you.
Being with you.
/without you without you without you/
Are you dead? Did I leave your corpse amongst the castle ruins? Does he have you? Are you being held against your will? Or did you want to stay? Did you escape? Can you remember the past like I do? Or have you forgotten? Did you want to forget?
Do you run? Are you flying above?
Are you waiting for me to find you?
Is that it?
Am I just a step away from you now?
Just a mile?
Just a thousand miles?
Do you face the shore? Do you face the mountains?
Do you dream of me?
Do you miss me?
Do you want to feel my skin against yours? To touch me? To kiss me? To taste me?
Or do you hate me?
Are you avoiding me? Hiding from me? Cursing me?
/….without you…../
This is real, isn't it?
Fairy tales and the spaces in between the words.
Walking then running then racing.
To the edge of the shore, to the end of the world.
Pulling you from the ocean. Gazing at your lips so blue and touching your flesh so cold.
How time and weather have faded your pink.
How beautiful you are.
How your clothes are tattered and stick to dried blood.
This is real….isn't it?
Hoping you can hear me call your name. Washing you clean and healing you.
Wrapping you in warmth, covering you with protection.
Please….
Let this be real.
I will give up paradise. I will give up eternity. I will gladly fall from the cliffs and let the rocks tear me apart.
Anything….not to be without you…for this not to be a dream….
'Himemiya….'
A soft whisper, like a ghost. And I freeze.
A hand grasps mine. Light. Almost unreal. Almost…..
'Utena.' I sigh.
~~~
END