Don't Quit

by digigirl132

One shot. Shortly after Voldemort is returned to power, Severus goes to a graveyard to tell his story to somebody dear to him who passed on many years ago. He also ponders on what to do now. r+r please!

Author: Hi everyone! ^^ I got this idea while reading the 4th Harry Potter book today. Hope you all enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of it's characters.

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Thirteen years.

All the work, all the pain, all the sorrow, and it only got us thirteen years.

God, this sucks.

I have to go out and fight against an evil I thought was gone forever. I thought this was over……. But here I am, back at square one, wondering what to do now. I know I have to fight, but do I really want to? I mean, we fought for over eleven years last time, and we only got thirteen years of peace from it. How long will it take this time? A year? Five years? Ten? And even after we are done fighting, how long will the peace last?

I am so sorry, dear sister. I thought that it would never come to this again. But Voldemort has returned, and I know that there is no escape this time. He knows I am the one who turned against him and supplied the Aurors with information. He will stop at nothing to kill me and anyone who is close to me. I know I have to fight, but I do not know if I can stand the heartache again.

I remember the peaceful times. The times before we knew about Voldemort and his evil ways. The times when we were still young and innocent. I remember everything, even from the day you were born.

I was five at the time, due to turn six in a couple months. Mother was very worried about everything; the doctors were always so careful with her, and I didn't understand why. I learned later that it was because she was very sick, and that both you and her might die. But, things turned out fine, and I held you in my arms that very day in September that you entered this world.

You were so small and frail that I was afraid I would break you if I so much as poked you. You looked so pretty with your raven black hair and soft pink skin. I told mother that you looked like a porcelain doll, and she just smiled at me. She told me that your name was Elizabeth, and I thought it was fitting.

Then, as if by a sign, you reached up and grabbed my index finger with your little fist. It was at that time that I knew a bond had been made. I silently swore at that time that I would always protect you, and that nothing would ever hurt you.

How foolish I was.

Since we lived in the country, there weren't many kids to play with. And the other kids in our area didn't like us very much. The older kids didn't think a "bratty little girl" should hang around with them, and the younger kids didn't like a "big bully" watching over them all the time. So, we spent most of our time with each other. I remember how you, after you learned how to walk, would always toddle after me. We were always off on an adventure of some sort, never knowing where the road would take us. Of course, we always made sure to be home by dinner time, or else mom would get worried.

Once you learned how to talk, you would call me "big brother Sevy" and laugh as I called you "little sister Lizzy." even after we grew too old to use the titles of "big brother" and "little sister" all the time, we still called each other by our nicknames; Sevy and Lizzy.

When you were about four, and I was nine, we discovered our special place. We had been running through the woods, playing a game of tag, when you stumbled upon a small clearing in the middle of the forest. It was perfect; there were lots of trees with braches close to the ground, and even a small stream to go swimming in. I still smile as I remember how wide your look of wonder got when we discovered it. You said, "Look, big brother Sevy! Our own special place!"

Then you took off, pigtails bobbing as you went to discover every little secret about our secret place. I smiled and followed you, behaving as how a good big brother should. I made sure you didn't get hurt. We were so happy then, and I believe that neither of us wanted the happy times to end.

But our time of innocence had to come to an end. And it did; the first year I went to Hogwarts. I was eleven, due to turn twelve in December. Your seventh birthday was only about a week away. I still remember the tearful goodbye clearly. We both promised to write every day, even though we both knew that was impossible. Our bonds went deeper that physical possibilities, and we both didn't want to be separated. But, it had to happen.

Before I left, you gave me a piece of parchment with some writing on it. You said, "It's a poem I got from a book. If you ever feel down, just read it, and it will make you feel better."

I did try to make friends while at school. I had promised Mother that, and I had intended to carry out my promise. But, it was harder than it appeared initially. After all, You and I were so close that we could finish each other's thoughts, and I wasn't used to any other kind of friendship. Anybody I tried to make friends with immediately took a disliking to me. They thought I was snobbish and stiff. They also thought I was a "slimy git," as one of my more malevolent acquaintances put it. So, I ended up becoming the "big bad loner." But I was never a bully. I am proud to say that. I may have been a loner, and I may have provoked my rivals sometimes, but I was never a bully. Though other people thought so.

I was put into Slytherin house, a house notorious for turning out bad witches and wizards. So, people from the other three houses, who didn't know me well, assumed that I was just a normal Slytherin, and I would eventually become a dark wizard.

But the people in my house knew better.

True, I did know a substantial amount of curses when I entered school. And true, I did have a tendency to be a bit spiteful when the mood suited it, but, in reality, I was a good kid at heart. I, though rough around the edges, was a good-natured person who was just confused about his life. I think my inability to express myself arose from the fact that we only had each other growing up, and I never had to express myself verbally before. There was only two people in the entire school, before you came, that understood me. One was the headmaster; he was never any less than kind to me. The other was a Gryffindor student by the name of Remus Lupin.

Remus was a very empathetic person. He seemed to understand me, even though I could never get the right words out. He was, in the beginning at least, very patient with me and kind to me. In a way, he kind of reminded me of you. I imagine that we would have become great friends, had his other friends not prevented it. Two of his friends, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew, were "alright" people. They were at least civil to me. But the third friend, Sirius Black, was very malicious towards me. He hated me with a passion. I think it was because once, when I lost my temper, I cursed him. It does seem stupid that all this was cause by such a little thing, but then again, everything is obvious in hindsight.

So, Remus and I couldn't be friends. But, we still were nice to each other anyways. I'd help him with potions homework (my best subject, next to defense against the dark arts). He'd help me carry my books when I had a lot to carry. Little things like that. I know it may sound strange, but I was glad that there was somebody there that understood me.

Then, everything fell apart.

Remus would often disappear for a couple days. And it was always at the full moon, too. I was worried for my comrade, so one night in my fifth year, I followed him. Well, I tried to, at least. I got lost on the school grounds. And to add to the problems of that night, I ran into Sirius that night. He said to me, "What's the matter, Snape? Lost?"

"None of your beeswax," I responded as I pushed my way past him. But Sirius said, "Looking for Remus?"

That stopped me in my tracks. Sirius continued, "If you want to find him, go to the whomping willow. Use a stick to press in the knot on the base of it, and a trap door will open. Follow the tunnel behind it, and you will find Remus."

I immediately took off, not even thinking that Sirius may be leading me into a trap. I did as he had told me, and I crawled down the tunnel. Before I could reach the end, I felt something grab me from behind. A voice said, "Don't go down there, Severus! It will be your death!"

I could tell by the voice that it was James Potter. I said, "Buzz off, Potter! I want to see what happened to Remus!"

I struggled to get free, but Potter held me tight. He said, "No! You can't! You don't understa--"

But his sentence was interrupted by a bone-rattling howl. Then, I saw it. Remus was a werewolf! And he had seen me! I was too scared to move, but luckily Potter didn't freeze. He quickly dragged me to the end of the tunnel and out to safety. He said, "I'm sorry, Severus. I had just heard what Sirius had done, and I ran here as fast as I could."

I glared at my adversary. I said coldly, "I bet you were in on the whole thing. You, Black, Pettigrew, and Remus. You only saved me to save your hide."

Potter looked at me with sad eyes, but didn't say anything. I stood up and walked back towards the castle, feeling hurt and betrayed. And what happened next hurt me even more.

Dumbledore sided with Potter and his friends.

I was sworn to never tell anyone that Remus was a werewolf. If I did, I would be expelled. The pain of being turned against by people I thought cared about me caused me so much pain that I made some bad decisions.

One of them was to run outside and to the forest. The forest was a very dangerous place; it was nothing like the forest at home. I ran and ran into the forest until I didn't know where I was. Then, I sat at the base of a tree and cried. Yes, Lizzy, your strong-willed big brother cried. It was the first time that I ever remembered crying. And one of the two only times I have ever cried.

I was crying so much that I didn't even notice somebody come up to me. I only noticed this person when he said, "You poor boy. You look like you have been hurt."

I quickly looked up. A man, completely hidden in a black cloak, was standing in front of me. I said, "Who.. who are you?"

"I am just a caring stranger," the man said; I could tell it was a man by the voice, "now, why would a boy - no, a young man - be out in the forest by himself crying? Could it be that his friends have betrayed him? Hmm?"

I studied this man closely. Who was he? He spoke slowly, but each of his words seemed to have meaning. And his voice was alluring, too. Before I could answer, the man said, "Well, I have something to offer you. How would you like to never be hurt again?"

I have to admit, this sounded intriguing. Looking back on it now, it was a bad idea to listen to his man. But, like I said before, everything is obvious in hindsight. The man said, "I can offer you anything you want. Friends, family, a life free of pain. Anything you want, you can have."

I liked this idea more by the minute. But I knew that there was a catch. I was about to ask about it when the man said, "All I ask in return is your alliance with me. Become one of my men, and all this will be yours."

I should have said no. I should have screamed and ran away. I should have done anything to stop what was about to happen. But I didn't. I just simply nodded. The man said, "Good. Now, roll up your left sleeve."

I did so, wondering what was about to happen. Then, suddenly, the man grasped my forearm and pressed his thumb against it. A searing pain came from that spot, and I had to use all my willpower to keep from screaming out in pain. But, after a second, it was done. The man removed his thumb, and revealed the black skull which was now imprinted on my forearm forever.

My eyes widened as I realized what was going on. That man was none other than Lord Voldemort, and he had just made me one of his flock. I was now a Death Eater. Voldemort said, "I will come for you soon enough. Until then, go on living your life. Act as if nothing has happened. But, the time will come when I shall call on you. Then, all your dreams will be fulfilled."

I suddenly felt woozy, and my vision grew dark. I awoke the next morning in my bed back at the castle. I thought it had been all a dream, so I checked my left forearm to make sure. The dark mark was there, though it was now only visible if you were looking for it. It had faded until it was barely recognizable. I knew then that this was my new life, and that there was no turning back now.

I spent the rest of the year and all of summer living as if the whole incident in the woods had never happened. Nobody knew the truth, though I suspect that you knew something was up.

The next year was your first year at Hogwarts. You were so happy to be going to school. That meant that we would be able to spend more time together. Though you did end up in Ravenclaw, I still spent a lot of time with you. I actually felt a little bit happy again, now that I wasn't so alone anymore. Though the whole incident with Voldemort was still lurking in the back of my mind, I shoved it further away. You came first, dear sister. That's how things always were, and that's how they would remain.

We only spent two years in school at the same time, but they were my two favorite of my whole school career. After I got out of school, I decided to become a researcher for the dark arts. After all, dark arts were always my specialty. But then, the unthinkable happened.

Mother and Father were killed.

I still remember receiving the news at work and rushing to the ministry of magic to find out what had happened. Mother and Father both worked there, so they would know what happened. Apparently, they had both gotten into an accident while at work. They were both Aurors, and they had caught a Death Eater. They, along with several other witches and wizards, were interrogating the Death Eater at a remote location when the building they were in blew up. Nobody survived. All together, twenty people died that day, including the Death Eater.

That is when the problems arose. Nobody knew what would happen to us. I was fresh out of school, barely able to support myself, and then there was you, a young witch in training who needed somebody to take care of you. I wanted to receive custody of you, but it didn't seem very likely. But, I did. I still think Dumbledore had something to do with it, though to this day he won't admit it. So, we picked up the pieces and tried to move on.

That life only lasted a year before Voldemort decided to call me to his side. Of course, I had to oblige. They would have killed me if I didn't. And I was the only family you had left. You came before anything else.

I was repulsed at my actions. I did things so horrible that I was sure you would disown me if you knew about it. Sometimes I wished I would just die. Sometimes I even thought about killing myself. That way, I wouldn't have to hurt another innocent person again.

But I didn't die. I couldn't.

I did all those horrible things to protect you. As long as I did what Voldemort said, you would stay alive, and I would be there to protect you. I hated myself more and more with each evil act, but I had to do it.

You had to have the chance to be what you wanted to be.

I remember that you always talked about being an Auror, just like Mother and Father. Though the Aurors were my "enemy," I always encouraged you. I wanted you to be what you wanted to be and live a full and happy life, even if it cost me mine. I was your protector, after all.

But I failed.

I failed miserably.

One night, about fourteen years ago, I went out to work as usual. You were finishing up the last of your summer schoolwork, preparing to go back to Hogwarts next week. Then, it happened. The Death Eaters came and attacked you, and I wasn't there to protect you.

I failed at my one duty in life.

I remember getting a strange feeling while at work. I told my co workers that I had a slight cold and I was going home. What I saw will be imprinted in my memory for as long as I live.

The house was in ruins. The fires were out, thanks to the firemen, but the remains were still smoldering. I ran to the house, but an Auror held me back. I remember crying out, "My sister! My sister is in there!"

The Auror looked at me sadly and pointed over to a doctor helping an mortally wounded girl. It took me about a second to realize that it was you. I was in a state of shock. I couldn't believe that my beautiful sister was laying there, burnt on most of her body and hardly recognizable. I went over to you and said, "…………Lizzy?"

You looked towards me with your sad black eyes. You said, "Sevy? Is that you?"

I nodded. You smiled a little and said, "I'm glad you are alright………."

Then you began to cough heavily. I looked to the doctor with desperation, but he shook his head sadly. He held up three fingers, then walked off to give us some time alone.

Three minutes. How could I say goodbye to my only sister, the sunshine in my dark life, in three minutes?

I said, "Lizzy, I'm sorry I wasn't here to protect you."

You said, "Sevy……..don't blame yourself…….It wasn't your fault……"

You then flinched in pain. I said, "Lizzy…….Don't leave…."

You then said "Be who you want to be, not what others want you to be. I love you, Big brother Sevy," as you closed your eyes for the last time. I felt my heart break into a million pieces then. The tears flowed freely then, my anguish being too much to handle. I said, "Why? Why did you have to leave? Lizzy…….."

An Auror walked up and patted me on the shoulder. He said, "Don't blame yourself. It was the Death Eaters."

It was then that I made the decision to become a spy for the Aurors. Voldemort had taken away the most precious thing in my life, and he would pay for it. It was a little over a year when Voldemort was finally defeated. But more people had been killed. More people had suffered. More children had been left parentless, just like us.

After the days of terror were over, Dumbledore offered me a job at his school. I didn't have much else to do, so I accepted. And for the last thirteen years, that is what I have been doing. I hate to admit it, but the pain from having lost you combined with my dislike of children who were disrespectful caused me to become somewhat of a bully. Especially towards Harry Potter, the son of my adversary from all those years ago. All the pain from my life ate me up inside, and I was afraid of what will happen.

But now, I have bigger problems to worry about.

Sometimes I want to quit. Sometimes I just want to lay down and die. Sometimes I want to scream until I can't scream anymore. But it is times like those that I pull out that piece of parchment that you gave me all those years ago and read it.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you are traveling seems all uphill,

When the funds are low, and the debts are high,

When you want to smile, buy you have to sigh,

When care is pressing down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with it's twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won had he stuck it out,

Don't give up though the pace seems slow,

You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,

The silver lining in the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far,

So stick to the fight when you are hardest hit,

It is when things seem worst that you must not quit.

I won't give up now. I still have a lot of people to save. Even if it's just the people who are around me, I can still protect them. Don't worry, my dear Elizabeth. Your words are still with me today. And I can guarantee you, I try my best to live by them. Your big brother is not ready to quit just yet.

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Severus turned and walked out of the graveyard. As he walked, he noticed that somebody was waiting for him at the end of the path. It was Sirius. As Severus reached him, Sirius began to walk with him. Sirius said, "You ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," Severus said, "Just don't go and screw things up."

Sirius made a sound of agreement. The pair walked for a ways in silence. Then, Sirius said, "So, who did you visit?"

"The girl who saved my life," Severus answered.

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Author: So, what did you think? Did I keep Severus in character, or was he completely wrong and out of character? I tried, to keep him in character, but it was hard. Please review and tell me!