I'm currently driving to Los Angeles, to my love, to my destiny. It's sounds so easy, but I know that it's anything but. I've only been driving for about a half hour but I'm already filled with dread. I don't know exactly what I'm doing. Do I really expect to break up their wedding.
The ride is quiet and all there is to do is think. I replay the same scene in my mind for what has to be the trillionth time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a quiet night out which really frustrated me. I had a lot on my mind and I needed something to lose myself in. It was a little past eleven and the streets of Sunnydale were almost completely deserted. Those streets and that town all seemed like one big ghost from my past. It all held memories of my past life, of who I used to be, and of things that I could never get back.
So many people died there. So many who I couldn't save. People who were loved yet most of them I never got the chance to know. Sometimes when I think about it, it really makes me sick, that death really doesn't faze me anymore. I mean, sure I'm the slayer and I have to face death every day. If I let every death get to me I would be in a crazy home by now, but I've just become so immune to it all. Besides, I guess death just doesn't seem like such a horrible option anymore. I mean, I've been there, twice.
When I arrived on my front porch that night I knew that he was there. I could sense him. Not the way I used to be able to feel Angel, but still I could feel him and differently than your average run of the mill vamp.
Tonight I was weary about going in and facing everything again. In my soul I knew this was wrong, but I no longer had the strength to do anything about it. It felt good to be with him. Maybe it wasn't love, but at least it allowed me to feel again. I don't know how long I expected it all to last, but there was no way for me to have known that it would have come crashing down the way it did.
As I walked into the house I could hear the obnoxious sound of the t.v. which he left on no matter where in the house he was. I strolled into the family room half expecting to find him sprawled across the couch, but instead the room was empty. I shut the television off and followed the sound of clattering coming from the kitchen.
He sat there at the table with a coffee mug tight in his grip, to any casual observer it would appear like a normal scene, but I knew the real contents in his mug. Little things such as his usual "eating habits" dwelled on my last nerves. With Angel that had never been the issue. It didn't matter what he was, but just who he was. Actually, I was never able to admit it to my friends back when we were together but the whole vampire thing was really sexy. He was mysterious, and cool, and he had been around so long and learned so much. I could just spend forever listening to him tell me about his experiences. With Spike, all I wanted to do was forget what he really was, but then a small part of me that I tried to deny viewed it as revenge. I wanted show to Angel just how "normal" of a life I could have.
A sly grin was plastered across his face as he glanced up at me. I slid down into the chair across from his and laid my head down on the cold table.
"What's the matter, love?" He asked me, but without much sincerity. If he really cared about me wouldn't he be able to see how messed up this whole thing was. At least that's what I thought, not knowing, or caring, where all of this bitterness had come from.
Ignoring his question I glanced down to the table in front of him to where a opened letter laid which I hadn't noticed when I first walked in. I didn't know what could have possibly come in the mail for him here.
"What is that?" I inquired pointing to the torn envelope.
"Hmmm?" He asked, the grin returning to his face. "Oh, that," he replied, knowing full well what I had been referring to the whole time.
I grabbed the letter angrily. Immediately the handwriting that adorned the front of the envelope struck something in me. 'It couldn't be him' I repeated in my head remembering all of the other times I had gotten my hopes up over him. I wasn't going to let him play with my emotions that way again, but my head was racing with all sorts of possibilities. After the last time we met I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd never wanted to see me again, actually I was pretty sure he didn't.
"Don't you want to find out what peaches is up to?" I realized I must have been sitting there for a while just staring at the tiny envelope in my hands that I knew would completely change my life. I gave Spike my death glare making it known that I wasn't going to put up with any of his snarky comments.
I turned the envelope over in my hands a few times. Finally getting up the nerve I pulled the letter out of the already torn envelope. Realizing that it was some sort of invitation, my anticipation grew. It was a slim piece of paper embellished with a floral border. My head started to pound as I read, "The pleasure of your company is requested at the marriage of Angel O'Donald to Cordelia Chase Saturday, the second of May two thousand and four in the afternoon four o'clock at St. Paul's Church."
I felt like my whole body just shut down right then and there. I read the words but they weren't really sinking in. I felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe, my Angel could never do this. The only thing that kept going through my head was all of those times in high school when Angel would repeatedly assure me that Cordelia wasn't his type and that I would always be the only one for him. How could things have changed that dramatically in such a short time. Angel was the first guy who I completely trusted. When he made me all of those promises I really believed them. Naively I believed that I was really the only girl he would ever love just because I knew that he was the only man I'd ever love. Maybe I didn't really know him at all. Maybe he tells those lines to every girl.
I went completely numb. I couldn't even bring myself to cry. My life meant nothing anymore. Everything that once held me together were lies. I meant nothing to anyone.
"Hmph..." Spike interrupted my self loathing. "So, my Angel boy is finally getting some. It's about time if you asked me. How long has he been human now..2..3 years?"
For once, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had been fooling myself for so long. I just looked up at Spike and I just snapped. What had my life deteriorated to? I truly despised him at that moment. I grabbed a hold of the plate on my end of the table and forcefully tossed it at his face as I ran out of the room, tears rolling down my cheeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know why I did it, and in a way I even feel bad about it now looking back. It wasn't entirely fair to blame Spike for all of my problems. It's not like he forced me to do anything. I stayed with him all of that time on my own free will. I guess life just takes funny turns.
I pulled up to the address that was on the envelope. This was it. Could I really do this? I didn't know, but all of a sudden I felt sort of foolish. Who was I to walk in on his life after all of this time and expect him to come back to me, but I knew that I had to try. I would never forgive myself if I didn't.
The ride is quiet and all there is to do is think. I replay the same scene in my mind for what has to be the trillionth time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a quiet night out which really frustrated me. I had a lot on my mind and I needed something to lose myself in. It was a little past eleven and the streets of Sunnydale were almost completely deserted. Those streets and that town all seemed like one big ghost from my past. It all held memories of my past life, of who I used to be, and of things that I could never get back.
So many people died there. So many who I couldn't save. People who were loved yet most of them I never got the chance to know. Sometimes when I think about it, it really makes me sick, that death really doesn't faze me anymore. I mean, sure I'm the slayer and I have to face death every day. If I let every death get to me I would be in a crazy home by now, but I've just become so immune to it all. Besides, I guess death just doesn't seem like such a horrible option anymore. I mean, I've been there, twice.
When I arrived on my front porch that night I knew that he was there. I could sense him. Not the way I used to be able to feel Angel, but still I could feel him and differently than your average run of the mill vamp.
Tonight I was weary about going in and facing everything again. In my soul I knew this was wrong, but I no longer had the strength to do anything about it. It felt good to be with him. Maybe it wasn't love, but at least it allowed me to feel again. I don't know how long I expected it all to last, but there was no way for me to have known that it would have come crashing down the way it did.
As I walked into the house I could hear the obnoxious sound of the t.v. which he left on no matter where in the house he was. I strolled into the family room half expecting to find him sprawled across the couch, but instead the room was empty. I shut the television off and followed the sound of clattering coming from the kitchen.
He sat there at the table with a coffee mug tight in his grip, to any casual observer it would appear like a normal scene, but I knew the real contents in his mug. Little things such as his usual "eating habits" dwelled on my last nerves. With Angel that had never been the issue. It didn't matter what he was, but just who he was. Actually, I was never able to admit it to my friends back when we were together but the whole vampire thing was really sexy. He was mysterious, and cool, and he had been around so long and learned so much. I could just spend forever listening to him tell me about his experiences. With Spike, all I wanted to do was forget what he really was, but then a small part of me that I tried to deny viewed it as revenge. I wanted show to Angel just how "normal" of a life I could have.
A sly grin was plastered across his face as he glanced up at me. I slid down into the chair across from his and laid my head down on the cold table.
"What's the matter, love?" He asked me, but without much sincerity. If he really cared about me wouldn't he be able to see how messed up this whole thing was. At least that's what I thought, not knowing, or caring, where all of this bitterness had come from.
Ignoring his question I glanced down to the table in front of him to where a opened letter laid which I hadn't noticed when I first walked in. I didn't know what could have possibly come in the mail for him here.
"What is that?" I inquired pointing to the torn envelope.
"Hmmm?" He asked, the grin returning to his face. "Oh, that," he replied, knowing full well what I had been referring to the whole time.
I grabbed the letter angrily. Immediately the handwriting that adorned the front of the envelope struck something in me. 'It couldn't be him' I repeated in my head remembering all of the other times I had gotten my hopes up over him. I wasn't going to let him play with my emotions that way again, but my head was racing with all sorts of possibilities. After the last time we met I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd never wanted to see me again, actually I was pretty sure he didn't.
"Don't you want to find out what peaches is up to?" I realized I must have been sitting there for a while just staring at the tiny envelope in my hands that I knew would completely change my life. I gave Spike my death glare making it known that I wasn't going to put up with any of his snarky comments.
I turned the envelope over in my hands a few times. Finally getting up the nerve I pulled the letter out of the already torn envelope. Realizing that it was some sort of invitation, my anticipation grew. It was a slim piece of paper embellished with a floral border. My head started to pound as I read, "The pleasure of your company is requested at the marriage of Angel O'Donald to Cordelia Chase Saturday, the second of May two thousand and four in the afternoon four o'clock at St. Paul's Church."
I felt like my whole body just shut down right then and there. I read the words but they weren't really sinking in. I felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe, my Angel could never do this. The only thing that kept going through my head was all of those times in high school when Angel would repeatedly assure me that Cordelia wasn't his type and that I would always be the only one for him. How could things have changed that dramatically in such a short time. Angel was the first guy who I completely trusted. When he made me all of those promises I really believed them. Naively I believed that I was really the only girl he would ever love just because I knew that he was the only man I'd ever love. Maybe I didn't really know him at all. Maybe he tells those lines to every girl.
I went completely numb. I couldn't even bring myself to cry. My life meant nothing anymore. Everything that once held me together were lies. I meant nothing to anyone.
"Hmph..." Spike interrupted my self loathing. "So, my Angel boy is finally getting some. It's about time if you asked me. How long has he been human now..2..3 years?"
For once, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had been fooling myself for so long. I just looked up at Spike and I just snapped. What had my life deteriorated to? I truly despised him at that moment. I grabbed a hold of the plate on my end of the table and forcefully tossed it at his face as I ran out of the room, tears rolling down my cheeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know why I did it, and in a way I even feel bad about it now looking back. It wasn't entirely fair to blame Spike for all of my problems. It's not like he forced me to do anything. I stayed with him all of that time on my own free will. I guess life just takes funny turns.
I pulled up to the address that was on the envelope. This was it. Could I really do this? I didn't know, but all of a sudden I felt sort of foolish. Who was I to walk in on his life after all of this time and expect him to come back to me, but I knew that I had to try. I would never forgive myself if I didn't.