Author's note: All characters and games mentioned belong to Nintendo. You suck. Go to hell. Period.
Mario's Drug Addiction
Chapter 1 - Mario and Luigi
I cannot exactly recall how old Mario was at the time, but I vaguely remember an event when Mario put his own brother in the sack and beat him. Wait a minute…now it is coming back to me…I think at that time, his friends consisted of a blue Yoshi, a yellow Yoshi, and Bowser in his early stages as the notorious Baby Bowser.
It was raining that day and the roads were slick with water. People were walking around sheltered from the oncoming rain thanks to umbrellas. Yes, umbrellas were big back then…I remember a time when…wait a minute…we are talking about Mario's drug habit…
Anyway, it was raining that one somber afternoon when Mario tricked Luigi into going into a sack. I do not exactly know how, but Luigi was idiotic back then. Anyway, Mario and Bowser tied the sack so that Luigi's head would be the only part of his body free from the restraints of the sack. Then came the beating. The Yoshis bounced on Luigi's head while Mario kicked him around. Bowser was standing idly by laughing like a hyena. Anyway, this continued for around twenty minutes. After Mario was done, they abandoned Luigi to go play hopscotch with some nudists down the streets. Anyway, a group of neighborhood "bullies" gathered around Luigi, still tied up in the sack, and commenced to beat him. I had a great time observing all this from the bedroom windows.
Well, sir…that was quite interesting. Please tell us more.
Well…I am sure Mario and Luigi would not like me to reveal much about their personal lives…
Please…
Well…I guess one snippet would not be such a big deal…
Anyway, Luigi came back to the house that night with a divine hatred dedicated to his brother. Ever since then, Luigi would be skulking around in his room most of the time trying to figure out how to obtain vengeance on his brother. For the next two years, I barely saw the young kid. I mean, he would wear those same green overalls, never changing into any of his new green overalls or even washing the green overalls he kept on wearing.
It was scary, but one day, he came out of his room. I was just walking up the steps when I heard the door burst open with Luigi's ominous being standing in the sunlight with a sadistic expression visible on his face. I stared Luigi straight in the eyes and moved out of the way as he was making his way downstairs and out of the house. I think he came up with a plan for vengeance.
Thank you, sir, for this interview.
No problem. Wait…don't you want to know how Luigi is tied to Mario's drug habits? Is that not what you came here for?
No thanks. I think we will go to the primary source rather than the secondary source.
*
Mr. Luigi Mario…is that how to pronounce your name?
No, just Luigi.
All right…I'm sorry…so tell us about the experience you had with your…only sibling.
…Well…
(A brief pause)
You could say the bond me and my brother shared back then was one of sadness and violence.
Is the rumor true?
What rumor?
That you made Mario…how do you say…high?
…Well…
(A brief pause)
Mario got hired to play the hero in Donkey Kong. Just before filming began, I introduced Mario to mushrooms. The bad kind.
*
(Before filming of Donkey Kong started)
Luigi: Mario, how are you?
Mario: Not-a bad-a, if you know what I-a mean.
Luigi: No, I don't…but anyway…look at what I got.
Mario: What the hell-a is that!
Luigi: Let's just say it's some good shit.
Mario: I don't know…
Luigi: C'mon, Mario, try some. Here, take one.
Mario: Well, all right. (Takes some shroom)
Ten minutes pass…
Mario: This stuff is good. I feel bigger…hey…I am bigger! I'm twice as big. And I don't have that high-pitched Italian accent anymore.
Luigi: Told you it was good.
Mario: Now Pauline can't make fun of my small prick anymore…
Luigi: She sure can't…wait a minute! What?! Pauline can't…(cut off by Mario)
Mario: Umm…thanks, but I think director Miyamoto is calling my name!
Luigi: Wait! What are you doing with Pauline?! I thought she was my girlfriend.
*
(Back to the interview)
Yes…I did get Mario hooked. He stole my women every single time when we were growing up. First, Megan. Then, Sonia. And then, Pauline. You know, it just pisses me off. Oops, sorry…cannot curse. Anyway, it made me angry. While he was the popular jock at school, I was the ass of my school. Mario and his gang would always just shove me around and call me names. Mario was never defending me in school.
No…I do not want to bring up those memories again.
Anyway, that day was the best day of my life. I ruined Mario's life for good!
Well, sir…we will leave you to calm down for now. Thank you for the interview.
*
So, Mister …
Please, call me Father Mario.
So, Father Mario, we have come back to you.
Yes, yes…did I tell you about the time Mario beat Luigi in a sack?
Yes, you already did. In fact…you will see it in next month's issue. Anyway, we come to tell you that we interviewed your younger son, Luigi. According to him, he was incited to get revenge on his brother. Therefore, as you can easily predict, he got Mario obsessed with the drugs known as shroom.
Hmm…I know he was the reason by Mario's ghastly shroom addiction. At the same time, I would not blame him as he was incited. I mean, Mario was the bane of his existence back in his high school years. Mario was the cute one, the exceedingly intelligent one, the athletic one, the suave one, you know what I am saying.
Luigi, on the other hand, was neither one of those. Instead, he was a slow and skinny child; the only advantage he had in his physical features was that he was tall. Yes, that is it. In fact, he is double the height of Mario, if I am correct. However, that does not mean Mario cannot give him a good…well…let us just say…an ass whooping'. Luigi got his pale white ass kicked everyday. Once when I accidentally walked into the bathroom while Luigi was taking a shower, I saw Luigi's bare naked body. Not a pretty sight, mind you, but the aspect of his body that appalled me the most were the shoe imprints left on his rear cheeks. You understand what I am saying?
I have a vague idea, sir…
Well, let us just say Mario would make his mark on Luigi every time he would hurt or mar his brother in some way.
Quite…interesting…
Is it not, my good friend?
What?
Well, anyway, you came here for stories. So let me tell you one back when they were trying to put their foot into the new industry of video games.
*
(Audition for role of hero in Super Mario Bros.)
Shigeru Miyamoto: Welcome. One of you will be a future video game idol.
Actors (excluding Mario and Luigi): What the…! Whatever…yeah right, it's not possible…I'm only doing this to feed my family…(expletive)…You gotta be kidding me, Miyamoto…fuggedaabudit…(expletive).
Shigeru Miyamoto: Yes, well…if you are not up to the challenge of becoming a worldwide icon, please leave the stage.
(Everybody leaves snickering at Miyamoto except Mario and Luigi)
Miyamoto: Well, I see only you two plumbers are left.
Mario: Mexico.
Miyamoto: What?
Luigi: Do not listen to him, he's on shroom.
Mario: Yo momma.
Luigi: Fuck you, too. You dumb shit…
Mario: Tell yo momma she better be on those birth pills cause I don't want her having my baby.
Luigi: My mother's your mother too.
Miyamoto: Enough!
(The brothers fall silent.)
Miyamoto: Mr. Toad, please come on out here.
(A short prickly toad comes out. This toad is named after his species, it turns out. Apparently, he is very young, as no wrinkles or blemishes are noticeable on his vibrant expression.)
Toad: (clears throat) I will be reading lines to you. You improvise on the spot. You know what I mean, right? You will think up of your own lines and respond to what I said. Remember, your speaking skills will also be evaluated. You dare stutter and it's over for you.
(Mario and Luigi shoot quick glances at each other to indicate a deep feeling of nervousness and fear inside them to one another.)
Toad: The green plumber! You will go first. Are you ready? Here we go!
"Oh, Hero, our princess is gone. Whatever will we do?"
Luigi: (In his deepest voice) "We will brave the onslaughts of the evildoer's minions and the evildoer who kidnapped the Princess. The Princess will be safe in the kingdom soon tonight!"
Mario: Yo momma.
Luigi: Why you…!
(Miyamoto stands up to give Luigi a one-man ovation)
Miyamoto: Bravo! Tremendous! Artfully said! You're a shoo-in! However, your brother has to go next. We cannot be too sure unless every actor is evaluated by our standards.
Luigi: D'oh!
Miyamoto: Well, Mario. It is your turn.
(Mario quickly turns around and pulls out something…something mushroom-shaped.)
Miyamoto: Mario, what are you doing there?
(Mario quickly runs to the side of the stage behind a blood-red curtain. Within a couple minutes, he returns much to Toad's as well as Luigi's and Miyamoto's bewilderment. Mario's eyes quickly turn a crimson red as he tries to utter a statement. )
Mario: Nothing, just stage fright…yeah, stage fright…
(Miyamoto wonders what Mario is up to, but quickly dispels the thought.)
Miyamoto: Well, go on, Toad.
Toad: (Clears his voice in a frightful manner)
"Oh, Hero, our princess is gone. Whatever will we do?"
(Mario, fearful of what to say next, quickly reaches down into his back pocket and pulls out something sharp.)
Mario: Die!
(With a machete in hand, Mario runs to Toad and juts the great knife in Toad's upper chest, near his/her right shoulder blade. Toad falls on the ground screaming like a little child. Blood seeps out of him onto the wooden stage.)
*
(Back to the interview)
And so, that is how Toad nearly died one day.
But, sir, this interview is dedicated to learning more about Mario's drug habits, not how Toad nearly died.
Yes…well, Toad nearly died due to Mario's drugged state.
Well, I suppose we are done with you for now.
Wait, I have many more stories.
About Mario?
Yes. About Mario and his affair with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
I am sorry, but we are not contacting you for any more interviews.
*
Hello once again, Luigi.
What do you want?
We want to learn more about the cold relationship you share with your brother.
Cold? It was much worse than cold. Sometimes…if he were to die, maybe then would I accept that God (Lord Yamauchi) does indeed exist. I might have ruined his life, but I still cannot help thinking how he ruined my life. I just imagine at times that I was the true star of Super Mario Bros. instead of him. If I was, imagine the fame and power and the fans. If only…
If you do not mind us asking, did not your brother stab Toad at the Super Mario Bros. try-outs? How did he secure the position of the hero then?
Well, I guess you did not hear what happened after he stabbed Toad.
*
(At the hospital after the stabbing of Toad)
Luigi: Toad, can you hear me? Can you see me? Can you?!
Toad: Yes…
Luigi: Well…that's a relief. The doctors have saved your life! Do not move. You lost gallons of blood…
Toad: Gallons?!
Luigi: Well, it's a figure of speech.
(A doctor walks in the door. The doctor is wearing a dirty white coat with a surgical mask as well as surgical gloves.)
Toad: Oh, thank you, Doctor. Bless you.
Luigi: Yes, once again, may Yamauchi bless you.
Doctor: …
(An awkward silence fills the room.)
(…)
(…)
(The doctor slips off his white coat as well as his surgical mask. It's Mario)
Mario: Die!
(Mario once again pulls out a big machete and stabs Toad. Toad lets out a girlish scream as blood gushes out of him.)
Luigi: Well, you done it again, Mario. I hope you're happy.
Mario: Die!
(Mario chases Luigi with the machete. Luigi sidesteps out of the way, causing Mario to stab thin air and fall down. While Mario is recovering from the fall, Luigi uses this to push Mario out a nearby window, hoping Mario would die a quick death. As he looks down the window, he sees Mario plummet to what seems like his death. Luigi's face cracks a huge smile as Mario's head is about to come in contact with the hard sidewalk.
Is this the end for main character of the legendary Mario series? No, of course it cannot be. He goes on to star in many Mario games after the original one. So what happens to him? It so happens that a floating Yoshi saves him. Mario safely lands on the green Yoshi's back; the Green Yoshi floats off with the maniacal plumber.)
Luigi: What the…! How is it possible? Damn those evil Yoshis!
Toad: Help…E.R…
Luigi: Shut up, Toad, I'm thinking.
(Luigi then runs out of the room)
*
(Back at the interview)
And so that is the story of how Toad nearly died one day.
Oh my dear…
What?
Mario's Drug Addiction
Chapter 1 - Mario and Luigi
I cannot exactly recall how old Mario was at the time, but I vaguely remember an event when Mario put his own brother in the sack and beat him. Wait a minute…now it is coming back to me…I think at that time, his friends consisted of a blue Yoshi, a yellow Yoshi, and Bowser in his early stages as the notorious Baby Bowser.
It was raining that day and the roads were slick with water. People were walking around sheltered from the oncoming rain thanks to umbrellas. Yes, umbrellas were big back then…I remember a time when…wait a minute…we are talking about Mario's drug habit…
Anyway, it was raining that one somber afternoon when Mario tricked Luigi into going into a sack. I do not exactly know how, but Luigi was idiotic back then. Anyway, Mario and Bowser tied the sack so that Luigi's head would be the only part of his body free from the restraints of the sack. Then came the beating. The Yoshis bounced on Luigi's head while Mario kicked him around. Bowser was standing idly by laughing like a hyena. Anyway, this continued for around twenty minutes. After Mario was done, they abandoned Luigi to go play hopscotch with some nudists down the streets. Anyway, a group of neighborhood "bullies" gathered around Luigi, still tied up in the sack, and commenced to beat him. I had a great time observing all this from the bedroom windows.
Well, sir…that was quite interesting. Please tell us more.
Well…I am sure Mario and Luigi would not like me to reveal much about their personal lives…
Please…
Well…I guess one snippet would not be such a big deal…
Anyway, Luigi came back to the house that night with a divine hatred dedicated to his brother. Ever since then, Luigi would be skulking around in his room most of the time trying to figure out how to obtain vengeance on his brother. For the next two years, I barely saw the young kid. I mean, he would wear those same green overalls, never changing into any of his new green overalls or even washing the green overalls he kept on wearing.
It was scary, but one day, he came out of his room. I was just walking up the steps when I heard the door burst open with Luigi's ominous being standing in the sunlight with a sadistic expression visible on his face. I stared Luigi straight in the eyes and moved out of the way as he was making his way downstairs and out of the house. I think he came up with a plan for vengeance.
Thank you, sir, for this interview.
No problem. Wait…don't you want to know how Luigi is tied to Mario's drug habits? Is that not what you came here for?
No thanks. I think we will go to the primary source rather than the secondary source.
*
Mr. Luigi Mario…is that how to pronounce your name?
No, just Luigi.
All right…I'm sorry…so tell us about the experience you had with your…only sibling.
…Well…
(A brief pause)
You could say the bond me and my brother shared back then was one of sadness and violence.
Is the rumor true?
What rumor?
That you made Mario…how do you say…high?
…Well…
(A brief pause)
Mario got hired to play the hero in Donkey Kong. Just before filming began, I introduced Mario to mushrooms. The bad kind.
*
(Before filming of Donkey Kong started)
Luigi: Mario, how are you?
Mario: Not-a bad-a, if you know what I-a mean.
Luigi: No, I don't…but anyway…look at what I got.
Mario: What the hell-a is that!
Luigi: Let's just say it's some good shit.
Mario: I don't know…
Luigi: C'mon, Mario, try some. Here, take one.
Mario: Well, all right. (Takes some shroom)
Ten minutes pass…
Mario: This stuff is good. I feel bigger…hey…I am bigger! I'm twice as big. And I don't have that high-pitched Italian accent anymore.
Luigi: Told you it was good.
Mario: Now Pauline can't make fun of my small prick anymore…
Luigi: She sure can't…wait a minute! What?! Pauline can't…(cut off by Mario)
Mario: Umm…thanks, but I think director Miyamoto is calling my name!
Luigi: Wait! What are you doing with Pauline?! I thought she was my girlfriend.
*
(Back to the interview)
Yes…I did get Mario hooked. He stole my women every single time when we were growing up. First, Megan. Then, Sonia. And then, Pauline. You know, it just pisses me off. Oops, sorry…cannot curse. Anyway, it made me angry. While he was the popular jock at school, I was the ass of my school. Mario and his gang would always just shove me around and call me names. Mario was never defending me in school.
No…I do not want to bring up those memories again.
Anyway, that day was the best day of my life. I ruined Mario's life for good!
Well, sir…we will leave you to calm down for now. Thank you for the interview.
*
So, Mister …
Please, call me Father Mario.
So, Father Mario, we have come back to you.
Yes, yes…did I tell you about the time Mario beat Luigi in a sack?
Yes, you already did. In fact…you will see it in next month's issue. Anyway, we come to tell you that we interviewed your younger son, Luigi. According to him, he was incited to get revenge on his brother. Therefore, as you can easily predict, he got Mario obsessed with the drugs known as shroom.
Hmm…I know he was the reason by Mario's ghastly shroom addiction. At the same time, I would not blame him as he was incited. I mean, Mario was the bane of his existence back in his high school years. Mario was the cute one, the exceedingly intelligent one, the athletic one, the suave one, you know what I am saying.
Luigi, on the other hand, was neither one of those. Instead, he was a slow and skinny child; the only advantage he had in his physical features was that he was tall. Yes, that is it. In fact, he is double the height of Mario, if I am correct. However, that does not mean Mario cannot give him a good…well…let us just say…an ass whooping'. Luigi got his pale white ass kicked everyday. Once when I accidentally walked into the bathroom while Luigi was taking a shower, I saw Luigi's bare naked body. Not a pretty sight, mind you, but the aspect of his body that appalled me the most were the shoe imprints left on his rear cheeks. You understand what I am saying?
I have a vague idea, sir…
Well, let us just say Mario would make his mark on Luigi every time he would hurt or mar his brother in some way.
Quite…interesting…
Is it not, my good friend?
What?
Well, anyway, you came here for stories. So let me tell you one back when they were trying to put their foot into the new industry of video games.
*
(Audition for role of hero in Super Mario Bros.)
Shigeru Miyamoto: Welcome. One of you will be a future video game idol.
Actors (excluding Mario and Luigi): What the…! Whatever…yeah right, it's not possible…I'm only doing this to feed my family…(expletive)…You gotta be kidding me, Miyamoto…fuggedaabudit…(expletive).
Shigeru Miyamoto: Yes, well…if you are not up to the challenge of becoming a worldwide icon, please leave the stage.
(Everybody leaves snickering at Miyamoto except Mario and Luigi)
Miyamoto: Well, I see only you two plumbers are left.
Mario: Mexico.
Miyamoto: What?
Luigi: Do not listen to him, he's on shroom.
Mario: Yo momma.
Luigi: Fuck you, too. You dumb shit…
Mario: Tell yo momma she better be on those birth pills cause I don't want her having my baby.
Luigi: My mother's your mother too.
Miyamoto: Enough!
(The brothers fall silent.)
Miyamoto: Mr. Toad, please come on out here.
(A short prickly toad comes out. This toad is named after his species, it turns out. Apparently, he is very young, as no wrinkles or blemishes are noticeable on his vibrant expression.)
Toad: (clears throat) I will be reading lines to you. You improvise on the spot. You know what I mean, right? You will think up of your own lines and respond to what I said. Remember, your speaking skills will also be evaluated. You dare stutter and it's over for you.
(Mario and Luigi shoot quick glances at each other to indicate a deep feeling of nervousness and fear inside them to one another.)
Toad: The green plumber! You will go first. Are you ready? Here we go!
"Oh, Hero, our princess is gone. Whatever will we do?"
Luigi: (In his deepest voice) "We will brave the onslaughts of the evildoer's minions and the evildoer who kidnapped the Princess. The Princess will be safe in the kingdom soon tonight!"
Mario: Yo momma.
Luigi: Why you…!
(Miyamoto stands up to give Luigi a one-man ovation)
Miyamoto: Bravo! Tremendous! Artfully said! You're a shoo-in! However, your brother has to go next. We cannot be too sure unless every actor is evaluated by our standards.
Luigi: D'oh!
Miyamoto: Well, Mario. It is your turn.
(Mario quickly turns around and pulls out something…something mushroom-shaped.)
Miyamoto: Mario, what are you doing there?
(Mario quickly runs to the side of the stage behind a blood-red curtain. Within a couple minutes, he returns much to Toad's as well as Luigi's and Miyamoto's bewilderment. Mario's eyes quickly turn a crimson red as he tries to utter a statement. )
Mario: Nothing, just stage fright…yeah, stage fright…
(Miyamoto wonders what Mario is up to, but quickly dispels the thought.)
Miyamoto: Well, go on, Toad.
Toad: (Clears his voice in a frightful manner)
"Oh, Hero, our princess is gone. Whatever will we do?"
(Mario, fearful of what to say next, quickly reaches down into his back pocket and pulls out something sharp.)
Mario: Die!
(With a machete in hand, Mario runs to Toad and juts the great knife in Toad's upper chest, near his/her right shoulder blade. Toad falls on the ground screaming like a little child. Blood seeps out of him onto the wooden stage.)
*
(Back to the interview)
And so, that is how Toad nearly died one day.
But, sir, this interview is dedicated to learning more about Mario's drug habits, not how Toad nearly died.
Yes…well, Toad nearly died due to Mario's drugged state.
Well, I suppose we are done with you for now.
Wait, I have many more stories.
About Mario?
Yes. About Mario and his affair with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
I am sorry, but we are not contacting you for any more interviews.
*
Hello once again, Luigi.
What do you want?
We want to learn more about the cold relationship you share with your brother.
Cold? It was much worse than cold. Sometimes…if he were to die, maybe then would I accept that God (Lord Yamauchi) does indeed exist. I might have ruined his life, but I still cannot help thinking how he ruined my life. I just imagine at times that I was the true star of Super Mario Bros. instead of him. If I was, imagine the fame and power and the fans. If only…
If you do not mind us asking, did not your brother stab Toad at the Super Mario Bros. try-outs? How did he secure the position of the hero then?
Well, I guess you did not hear what happened after he stabbed Toad.
*
(At the hospital after the stabbing of Toad)
Luigi: Toad, can you hear me? Can you see me? Can you?!
Toad: Yes…
Luigi: Well…that's a relief. The doctors have saved your life! Do not move. You lost gallons of blood…
Toad: Gallons?!
Luigi: Well, it's a figure of speech.
(A doctor walks in the door. The doctor is wearing a dirty white coat with a surgical mask as well as surgical gloves.)
Toad: Oh, thank you, Doctor. Bless you.
Luigi: Yes, once again, may Yamauchi bless you.
Doctor: …
(An awkward silence fills the room.)
(…)
(…)
(The doctor slips off his white coat as well as his surgical mask. It's Mario)
Mario: Die!
(Mario once again pulls out a big machete and stabs Toad. Toad lets out a girlish scream as blood gushes out of him.)
Luigi: Well, you done it again, Mario. I hope you're happy.
Mario: Die!
(Mario chases Luigi with the machete. Luigi sidesteps out of the way, causing Mario to stab thin air and fall down. While Mario is recovering from the fall, Luigi uses this to push Mario out a nearby window, hoping Mario would die a quick death. As he looks down the window, he sees Mario plummet to what seems like his death. Luigi's face cracks a huge smile as Mario's head is about to come in contact with the hard sidewalk.
Is this the end for main character of the legendary Mario series? No, of course it cannot be. He goes on to star in many Mario games after the original one. So what happens to him? It so happens that a floating Yoshi saves him. Mario safely lands on the green Yoshi's back; the Green Yoshi floats off with the maniacal plumber.)
Luigi: What the…! How is it possible? Damn those evil Yoshis!
Toad: Help…E.R…
Luigi: Shut up, Toad, I'm thinking.
(Luigi then runs out of the room)
*
(Back at the interview)
And so that is the story of how Toad nearly died one day.
Oh my dear…
What?