Author's Note: I do not own anything Nintendo-related 'cept the story.
More Author's Notes: I love reviews. Do not care if it is a flame or not, I love reviews. That does not mean you have to flame this story, though. Honest reviews, everyone.
Mario's Drug Addiction
Chapter 3 - Mario and Pauline
Hello, readers. This is the man behind the "Mario's Drug Addiction" report as well as the man of interviews. I am making a quick note that I am at a hospital where famous Mario-related characters have gathered to pray for their friend, Toad, who was stabbed violently just a couple hours before. Now, I have found my next victim to undergo my needle. The character known as Princess Peach.
*
Hello, Ms. Peach.
And you are?
I am on behalf of Mush Magazine and am here to pray for your friend as well as uncover more information on the infamous drug addiction of Mario.
What? Exactly what are you looking for?
Well, miss, it's all for the pursuit of…
Wait a minute? Are you telling me at such a sad time that I am supposed to give you information on some creep who…
Please, miss…
No! Don't…just don't…
I am sorry, truly, I am…
My friend's in there…
(Peach starts crying hysterically. Luigi comes to seize the arm of the interviewer and take him away from the broken Peach.)
Listen, you want a story?
Yes, I do actually.
Then I'll tell you a story, but only if you promise to not bother Peach anymore…
(Bowser goes to console Peach as more tears stream down her face and form small circular puddles on the floor. The interviewer looks at Peach in a kind, but pitiful matter. Looking back at Luigi, he makes a gesture that basically states that he agrees, but does not like the agreement he just acceded to at all.)
Glad to see you agree. Listen…you want princess stories? I got one that took place in this hospital many years back that involves Pauline and her newborn baby.
Her baby? We have heard rumors involving a baby involved with a Mario Bros. character.
Well, to confirm it, yes, Pauline had a baby. I'm sure she would not mind right now…especially since she is in Saharasara.
What?
I will tell you about it later, but right now, here is the story.
*
(At the hospital sometime after the incident on Yoshi's Island)
(Luigi waits patiently for Mario as Miyamoto and Bowser show up to the entrance.)
Luigi: What? Where's Mario?
Miyamoto: I don't know. We checked everywhere. The studio, his apartment, bars…
Bowser: I went to some human strip clubs, but did not find him anywhere.
Miyamoto: Yeah, Bowser searched in this one strip club for one hour.
Bowser: Yes…search…
Luigi: Bowser, I thought you had a wife…but that is not what's important…Mario…
Miyamoto: Luigi…calm down. Listen, you search for him while we check on Pauline.
(Luigi breathes a sigh as he walks past the director and Great Turtle. The entrance doors slowly open automatically as he finds his way to the outside of the hospital. Once outside, he snorts and spits. What could Mario be doing? Maybe he is at one of the whorehouses. Maybe he is at one of his local drug dealers. Maybe he just took some shroom and wandered off….wandered off…No.)
(At Toad's apartment)
(Toad, who recuperated fast from the Yoshi's Island stabbing, was quaintly organizing what to wear for the next several days when he would have several interviews lined up. As he was looking at an elaborately designed tie, the closet made a small creak. Not your average creak, but a small one. Seems odd, right? Well, Toad glared at the closet for a little while, but then returned to organizing his ties when something in the closet clattered and tittered against something else. With a scrutinizing eye, Toad carefully kept one eye on the small closet and one eye on his nicely decorated ties. His curiosity overtaking him, he slowly tiptoed to the closet, which was supposed to be dormant.)
(Not so dormant anymore now that Mario popped out of the closet looking dazed with those crimson red eyes. He took one look at Toad, quickly entered the bathroom, heaved on the floor, and collapsed in his own bile. Toad, meanwhile, was screaming girlishly.)
*
After Mario collapsed, Toad had to…
(A doctor comes from a nearby hallway and motions to Peach. Luigi abruptly stops his story and motions for the interviewer to come with him to sit near her. Doing that, the interviewer than takes out a notepad with the word "paranoia" on it. He only used this rather plain notepad for quick notes on each of his victim's behavior. Anyway, he underlined the word "paranoia" and made a short little arrow that led to empty white space. On that space, he wrote "consistent". The doctor looked at them all as he was about to declare Toad's condition to them.)
Doctor: Well…I am sorry…but your friend might die if we do not find somebody with O negative blood for a blood transfusion.
(A brief silence overtakes the Nintendo characters as they focus on what was being said to them.)
Peach: No…it cannot be…
(With Peach's response, Bowser lifts up a leg and stomps it on the ground, nearly destroying the very foundation of the hospital. The visitors nearby huddled together in fear.)
Bowser: Of course…
(Bowser turns around, pulling out a cigarette within the confines of his great shell. Lighting up the cigarette, he takes a whiff. Extracting the part of the cigarette from his mouth, he then blows much smoke, much to the dismay of the nearby doctor.)
Doctor: Please, sir, you must put that out. Smoking is not prohibited on hospital property.
(Bowser, glaring at the doctor, throws down the cigarette and steps on it with his massive leg, relinquishing it of its very smoke. The lobby shakes once more as all the visitors nearby stare at Bowser with horror. He then stomps off to the entrance doors to the great outdoors and the massive parking lot of the rather gloomy hospital. Our interviewer of course runs after the disgruntled Great Turtle.)
Sir, may I please question for a couple moments?
…
Back there, you said an interesting statement. Do you mind repeating it so we can clarify it to our readers?
…
"Of course…" Was it not your statement?
Yeah…that was it.
Why did you say that? Did you know about this?
Yeah.
Mario keeps playing us like we are mere fools. You know, the whole world thinks of Mario as some sort of great icon when they do not know the real truth.
Which is?
Don't you know?
The shroom?
Yeah…that…that is the truth. We only know about it. Yet, we are forced from saying the truth cause of the contracts we sign. You know…it's hard to keep it bottled up within you.
I understand.
You know that I have been here two times before on account of Mario's actions? This is the third time.
Two times you say?
Yes…once when Pauline was giving birth and the other when that annoying Star Kid from Paper Mario "accidentally" died.
Child birth, you say? Possibly Mario's child?
Yeah…it was his child.
*
(At the hospital)
(Paramedics rush in, one carrying the body of Toad over his shoulder. A doctor rushes nearby to check on the poor Toad.)
Doctor: What's wrong?
Paramedic: This Toad…he fainted. Near him, we found some plumber that has fallen unconscious in his own vomit.
Doctor: Where's the plumber?
(Nearby, two paramedics were struggling in carrying the overweight plumber into the hospital. The doctor goes over to check on Mario. First, he checks his pulse rate. Than his heart. Than his eyes. What the…? Crimson red eyes…)
Doctor: Admit this victim into the drug therapy ward. For the Toad, leave him in Minor Care.
(An hour slowly passes as Mario opens his dry eyes. He beholds the sight of his own brother near him.)
Luigi: There you are.
Mario: Faggot.
Luigi: I am pretty damn sure you don't know shit about Pauline's condition.
Mario: My son? Yeah, that's right…I impregnated your momma. She gave birth yet?
Luigi: Mario…just shut up. You know Pauline?
Mario: Yeah…
(Mario yawns. As Luigi goes on to explain the fling between Mario and Pauline, Mario quietly falls into sleep. His face looks relaxed and innocent when in complete repose. Luigi takes a minute to gander at his sleeping brother once he notices Mario has fallen asleep. After a couple seconds pass, he looks at a nearby spare pillow. A devilish thought penetrates through his head. Luigi quietly picks up the pillow. With full force, he smashes the pillow on Mario's head, relinquishing his own brother of a supply of oxygen. As Mario comes to his senses, he squirms about trying to release himself from the pillow of death. Luigi, feeling his own grip against the pillow weaken, starts punching Mario as hard as he could through the pillow. Making full contact with the middle of the pillow, Luigi repeatedly punches the pillow with all the strength he can muster of himself. With every punch landed, Mario makes a strange grunt sound as if he is mocking Luigi for his weak punches. It really was Mario's desperate screams, just muffled due to the pillow. Anyway, Mario settles down as a lack of oxygen and constant beating in the face starts to take its effects. A wicked smile begins to form on the corners of Luigi's lips as Mario slowly stops squirming about. Finally, the plumber famous for his countless rescues of the damsel-in-distress stops moving.)
Luigi: I'm…I'm…sorry…damnit…sorry…
(A couple minutes pass. With a sad look on his face, he walks away, mortified at his recent actions. He thinks about what he had done, and the memories he had with his brother. Memories that date back to early childhood to even audition tryouts for Super Mario Bros. Looking back at his brother, though, his sad frown turns into a huge smile in an instant. But how?! Luigi ascends Mario's bed and dances right on top of his brother. It seems as if a wicked presence took over the injured soul of Luigi. With every smile and step, Luigi's physiognomy became more evil. Laughing aloud and being boisterous, he wanted the whole world to know of the freedom he has attained. The freedom he once though was impossible to grasp. What is that freedom? The freedom to have sex with his girlfriends without them being violated by Mario first. Well, also the other freedom to not be overshadowed by his brother anymore.)
*
Anyway…It was much to the bewilderment of Luigi to hear that Mario recuperated…I was in the hospital at the time, but just was waiting around in one of the hallways that led to the lobby of the maternal ward. I heard about this through Miyamoto, who actually saw…
(An alarm suddenly blared as every emergency light in the hospital flashed red. Over the many announcers present in the hospital came a phrase repeated over and over: "Code Red! Code Red! Code Red!" And so on. The interviewer and Bowser ran into the hospital, hesitant on what to expect. Running inside the hospital, the interviewer sees every visitor running about yelling of a "man with a machete" in the hospital. Immediately, Bowser sprouted his spikes and, in a fierce manner, roared about. Luigi whipped out a pistol from his saggy overalls. Peach donned a small dagger from her enormous bosom.)
Code Red! Code Red! Code Red!
(Our favorite interviewer whipped out his notepad. Only the first page was decorated only with two words. Both were connected with an arrow. He crossed out the second word, which was "consistent", and wrote "highly dangerous.")
(Out of a hallway barged the world's best known doctor, Dr. Mario. Yes, Dr. Mario. Apparently, Dr. Mario came from another world; another world where each person in this current world was emulated, but with different personalities. For example, Dr. Mario is a noble doctor who treats patients for free while Mario is…well, you should know by now. Anyway, coming through a warp pipe into our world, he treated patients here with zest and megavitamins. These megavitamins cured anything except for the pesky mutagen viruses that populated Game Boy Land for quite some time. However, he soon eradicated that land of the viruses and risen to fame in a similar style to Mario's rise.)
(Anyway, Dr. Mario came rushing out a nearby hallway into the hospital lobby when the interviewer entered the hospital. Guards were all about, shouting orders as well as many different kinds of obscenities. The famous doctor shouted to Bowser, who responded with an angry roar. As visitors flooded out of the hospital, guards searched restlessly for the "man with the machete." Doctors eventually stormed the lobby trying to get out of the hospital. One such doctor, though, staggered around. His eyes were crimson red. The interviewer immediately yelled out "Mario!" as Dr. Mario prepared one of his poison tablets. Luigi cocked his pistol, Peach brandished her dagger, and Bowser stomped on the ground with a fury similar to that of an earthquake.)
(With a skill no other doctor can dream of possessing, Dr. Mario shot a small green tablet at the drugged Mario. The tablet fell to the ground, but quickly bounced up to imbed itself into Mario's chest area. The plumber shrieking in pain, his knees started to fail and he slowly descended to the ground. With a heavy sigh, our plumber hits the ground pretty damn hard.)
(Hours later…)
Dr. Mario…it is an honor to grant us an interview under such conditions.
No, no, it is no bother. It is almost impossible to stop the press when they are on a mission.
Yes, that is true. Good joke, sir. Anyway, we would like to know more about your…other-world counterpart, Mario.
Yeah…I figured you would want to ask about that…well…if you talk to the other Nintendo characters I'm sure they can tell you much more than I can.
We know…but perhaps you have some experience with Mario you would like to share with us.
Well…my first incident with Mario was with Pauline's baby…
*
(At the maternal ward)
(Peach and Toadstool were standing waiting to hear news about their friend, Pauline. Having undergone childbirth was not easy, and doctors said it was very difficult for Pauline to even give birth to the child. Anyway, one of the doctors came out of the surgery room, forgetting to take off his surgical mask and gloves.)
Doctor: I am happy to say your friend has made it through the surgery.
Peach: Oh thank you…oh Yamauchi…
Toadstool: So…feeling lucky, Doctor?
(Peach jabs Toadstool right in the soft area near the kidney. Toadstool immediately shuts up. The doctor, finally noticing his surgical apparel was still on, took off his mask and gloves. First, he took off his gloves, revealing his whitish hands. And then he took off his mask. As he did, the girls were shocked. Toadstool screamed while Peach whacked the poor doctor down to the ground.
Peach: Mario! You delivered Pauline's baby?!
Doctor: Well, yes…Miss, please stop that!
Peach: You monster! You first impregnate Pauline and now dare lie to me?
Doctor: How did you know my name is Mario?
(Peach continues her beating while visitors try to free the good doctor. Eventually, a husky Toad separates the maniacal Peach from the good doctor. The doctor tidies himself up, takes out a pill, and shoots it at Peach, who falls unconscious from it. Toadstool, meanwhile, was feeling up the husky Toad that first seized Peach. Everybody else was quietly talking to each other over what just happened as the doors to the maternal ward burst open. Who else burst them open besides Mario…followed by a furious Luigi with a pillow, Bowser, and Miyamoto. Running in a hilarious fashion, Mario runs rampant around the maternal ward, looking for somebody. But who? Who could be giving birth that could be of some importance to the plumber now? Well…I think I just answered my own question. Mario finds his way into the surgery room where Pauline is lying, motionless. With a childish smirk, he jumps and tackles her off the bed, landing right on top of her on the ground. Quite the rude awakening for Pauline.)
Mario: Bitch, where's my baby?
Pauline: You owe me child support!
(With that line, Pauline spits in his face.)
Mario: You spit in my face, you dumb hoe…
(Mario gets off the ground picking Pauline up with him and slaps her to the ground again.)
Mario: Don't be such a naughty bitch now.
(Pauline desperately tries to crawl from Mario. Near the doorway, a whole audience has gathered, including the doctor who Peach assaulted.)
Doctor: Please, stop doing this!
(Mario looks up to see the doctor eye-to-eye. A few seconds later, his whole face turns pale and his heart skips a beat. Can it be…?)
Mario: Who are you?
Doctor: Dr. Mario of the land of Saharasara, but that is not important. I implore you, good sir, to let that woman go!
Mario: Imposter!
(Mario unleashes his machete, ready to stab the innocent doctor, when Luigi and Bowser step into the room. Seeing the weapon Mario has in his hand, Luigi tries to think up of a ploy to keep Mario busy.)
Luigi: Oh, Bowser, get Peach, Toadstool, and Toad in here to see this.
Mario: Toad! Where?
(Mario, now hysterical at Luigi's mentioning of Toad's name, rushes out of the room, the crowd parting a pathway for him to leave the room in search for Toad. Indeed, he finds himself in the waiting room of the maternal ward, where Peach is being subdued by the husky Toad, and Toadstool is feeling up that same Toad. His bloodthirsty manhunt turns into anger as he sees no Toad. But wait…who pops into the maternal ward at the inopportune time but Toad, who was just released from his stay at the hospital from falling unconscious in his apartment.)
Toad: Where is Daisy?
(Alas, Toad looks around the room until his gaze meets Mario's sadistic gaze. With a scream that can rival even the strongest screamer on this planet, he runs out of the room as Mario follows him with the shiny machete in hand.)
(Five minutes later…)
(Mario is being manhandled to a police vehicle by some guards while a bloody Toad is being carried by Luigi and Bowser to the emergency care section of the hospital.)
*
Anyway, Mario was out on bail that night. He just happened to stroll by the hospital again and stab Toad. That time, though, Mario was allowed no bail. He served a sentence of six months for five attempted murders as well as time in rehab for his shroom habits. Also, his brother, Luigi, served time for being a "drug dealer."
Why? Did he sell drugs?
No, he just introduced Mario to the drugs in the first place.
Eventually, they became cell mates and it got messy. Let us just say that matters got so rowdy in Mario and Luigi's prison that they had to move Mario permanently to his rehab center to separate him from his brother.
I see…mind enlightening us with another event.
Well…I am a doctor…I got patients…
I am sorry to even bring it up. Please accept my apologies. Here, take my business card; whenever you have time to talk, please call me.
I will.
All right then.
More Author's Notes: I love reviews. Do not care if it is a flame or not, I love reviews. That does not mean you have to flame this story, though. Honest reviews, everyone.
Mario's Drug Addiction
Chapter 3 - Mario and Pauline
Hello, readers. This is the man behind the "Mario's Drug Addiction" report as well as the man of interviews. I am making a quick note that I am at a hospital where famous Mario-related characters have gathered to pray for their friend, Toad, who was stabbed violently just a couple hours before. Now, I have found my next victim to undergo my needle. The character known as Princess Peach.
*
Hello, Ms. Peach.
And you are?
I am on behalf of Mush Magazine and am here to pray for your friend as well as uncover more information on the infamous drug addiction of Mario.
What? Exactly what are you looking for?
Well, miss, it's all for the pursuit of…
Wait a minute? Are you telling me at such a sad time that I am supposed to give you information on some creep who…
Please, miss…
No! Don't…just don't…
I am sorry, truly, I am…
My friend's in there…
(Peach starts crying hysterically. Luigi comes to seize the arm of the interviewer and take him away from the broken Peach.)
Listen, you want a story?
Yes, I do actually.
Then I'll tell you a story, but only if you promise to not bother Peach anymore…
(Bowser goes to console Peach as more tears stream down her face and form small circular puddles on the floor. The interviewer looks at Peach in a kind, but pitiful matter. Looking back at Luigi, he makes a gesture that basically states that he agrees, but does not like the agreement he just acceded to at all.)
Glad to see you agree. Listen…you want princess stories? I got one that took place in this hospital many years back that involves Pauline and her newborn baby.
Her baby? We have heard rumors involving a baby involved with a Mario Bros. character.
Well, to confirm it, yes, Pauline had a baby. I'm sure she would not mind right now…especially since she is in Saharasara.
What?
I will tell you about it later, but right now, here is the story.
*
(At the hospital sometime after the incident on Yoshi's Island)
(Luigi waits patiently for Mario as Miyamoto and Bowser show up to the entrance.)
Luigi: What? Where's Mario?
Miyamoto: I don't know. We checked everywhere. The studio, his apartment, bars…
Bowser: I went to some human strip clubs, but did not find him anywhere.
Miyamoto: Yeah, Bowser searched in this one strip club for one hour.
Bowser: Yes…search…
Luigi: Bowser, I thought you had a wife…but that is not what's important…Mario…
Miyamoto: Luigi…calm down. Listen, you search for him while we check on Pauline.
(Luigi breathes a sigh as he walks past the director and Great Turtle. The entrance doors slowly open automatically as he finds his way to the outside of the hospital. Once outside, he snorts and spits. What could Mario be doing? Maybe he is at one of the whorehouses. Maybe he is at one of his local drug dealers. Maybe he just took some shroom and wandered off….wandered off…No.)
(At Toad's apartment)
(Toad, who recuperated fast from the Yoshi's Island stabbing, was quaintly organizing what to wear for the next several days when he would have several interviews lined up. As he was looking at an elaborately designed tie, the closet made a small creak. Not your average creak, but a small one. Seems odd, right? Well, Toad glared at the closet for a little while, but then returned to organizing his ties when something in the closet clattered and tittered against something else. With a scrutinizing eye, Toad carefully kept one eye on the small closet and one eye on his nicely decorated ties. His curiosity overtaking him, he slowly tiptoed to the closet, which was supposed to be dormant.)
(Not so dormant anymore now that Mario popped out of the closet looking dazed with those crimson red eyes. He took one look at Toad, quickly entered the bathroom, heaved on the floor, and collapsed in his own bile. Toad, meanwhile, was screaming girlishly.)
*
After Mario collapsed, Toad had to…
(A doctor comes from a nearby hallway and motions to Peach. Luigi abruptly stops his story and motions for the interviewer to come with him to sit near her. Doing that, the interviewer than takes out a notepad with the word "paranoia" on it. He only used this rather plain notepad for quick notes on each of his victim's behavior. Anyway, he underlined the word "paranoia" and made a short little arrow that led to empty white space. On that space, he wrote "consistent". The doctor looked at them all as he was about to declare Toad's condition to them.)
Doctor: Well…I am sorry…but your friend might die if we do not find somebody with O negative blood for a blood transfusion.
(A brief silence overtakes the Nintendo characters as they focus on what was being said to them.)
Peach: No…it cannot be…
(With Peach's response, Bowser lifts up a leg and stomps it on the ground, nearly destroying the very foundation of the hospital. The visitors nearby huddled together in fear.)
Bowser: Of course…
(Bowser turns around, pulling out a cigarette within the confines of his great shell. Lighting up the cigarette, he takes a whiff. Extracting the part of the cigarette from his mouth, he then blows much smoke, much to the dismay of the nearby doctor.)
Doctor: Please, sir, you must put that out. Smoking is not prohibited on hospital property.
(Bowser, glaring at the doctor, throws down the cigarette and steps on it with his massive leg, relinquishing it of its very smoke. The lobby shakes once more as all the visitors nearby stare at Bowser with horror. He then stomps off to the entrance doors to the great outdoors and the massive parking lot of the rather gloomy hospital. Our interviewer of course runs after the disgruntled Great Turtle.)
Sir, may I please question for a couple moments?
…
Back there, you said an interesting statement. Do you mind repeating it so we can clarify it to our readers?
…
"Of course…" Was it not your statement?
Yeah…that was it.
Why did you say that? Did you know about this?
Yeah.
Mario keeps playing us like we are mere fools. You know, the whole world thinks of Mario as some sort of great icon when they do not know the real truth.
Which is?
Don't you know?
The shroom?
Yeah…that…that is the truth. We only know about it. Yet, we are forced from saying the truth cause of the contracts we sign. You know…it's hard to keep it bottled up within you.
I understand.
You know that I have been here two times before on account of Mario's actions? This is the third time.
Two times you say?
Yes…once when Pauline was giving birth and the other when that annoying Star Kid from Paper Mario "accidentally" died.
Child birth, you say? Possibly Mario's child?
Yeah…it was his child.
*
(At the hospital)
(Paramedics rush in, one carrying the body of Toad over his shoulder. A doctor rushes nearby to check on the poor Toad.)
Doctor: What's wrong?
Paramedic: This Toad…he fainted. Near him, we found some plumber that has fallen unconscious in his own vomit.
Doctor: Where's the plumber?
(Nearby, two paramedics were struggling in carrying the overweight plumber into the hospital. The doctor goes over to check on Mario. First, he checks his pulse rate. Than his heart. Than his eyes. What the…? Crimson red eyes…)
Doctor: Admit this victim into the drug therapy ward. For the Toad, leave him in Minor Care.
(An hour slowly passes as Mario opens his dry eyes. He beholds the sight of his own brother near him.)
Luigi: There you are.
Mario: Faggot.
Luigi: I am pretty damn sure you don't know shit about Pauline's condition.
Mario: My son? Yeah, that's right…I impregnated your momma. She gave birth yet?
Luigi: Mario…just shut up. You know Pauline?
Mario: Yeah…
(Mario yawns. As Luigi goes on to explain the fling between Mario and Pauline, Mario quietly falls into sleep. His face looks relaxed and innocent when in complete repose. Luigi takes a minute to gander at his sleeping brother once he notices Mario has fallen asleep. After a couple seconds pass, he looks at a nearby spare pillow. A devilish thought penetrates through his head. Luigi quietly picks up the pillow. With full force, he smashes the pillow on Mario's head, relinquishing his own brother of a supply of oxygen. As Mario comes to his senses, he squirms about trying to release himself from the pillow of death. Luigi, feeling his own grip against the pillow weaken, starts punching Mario as hard as he could through the pillow. Making full contact with the middle of the pillow, Luigi repeatedly punches the pillow with all the strength he can muster of himself. With every punch landed, Mario makes a strange grunt sound as if he is mocking Luigi for his weak punches. It really was Mario's desperate screams, just muffled due to the pillow. Anyway, Mario settles down as a lack of oxygen and constant beating in the face starts to take its effects. A wicked smile begins to form on the corners of Luigi's lips as Mario slowly stops squirming about. Finally, the plumber famous for his countless rescues of the damsel-in-distress stops moving.)
Luigi: I'm…I'm…sorry…damnit…sorry…
(A couple minutes pass. With a sad look on his face, he walks away, mortified at his recent actions. He thinks about what he had done, and the memories he had with his brother. Memories that date back to early childhood to even audition tryouts for Super Mario Bros. Looking back at his brother, though, his sad frown turns into a huge smile in an instant. But how?! Luigi ascends Mario's bed and dances right on top of his brother. It seems as if a wicked presence took over the injured soul of Luigi. With every smile and step, Luigi's physiognomy became more evil. Laughing aloud and being boisterous, he wanted the whole world to know of the freedom he has attained. The freedom he once though was impossible to grasp. What is that freedom? The freedom to have sex with his girlfriends without them being violated by Mario first. Well, also the other freedom to not be overshadowed by his brother anymore.)
*
Anyway…It was much to the bewilderment of Luigi to hear that Mario recuperated…I was in the hospital at the time, but just was waiting around in one of the hallways that led to the lobby of the maternal ward. I heard about this through Miyamoto, who actually saw…
(An alarm suddenly blared as every emergency light in the hospital flashed red. Over the many announcers present in the hospital came a phrase repeated over and over: "Code Red! Code Red! Code Red!" And so on. The interviewer and Bowser ran into the hospital, hesitant on what to expect. Running inside the hospital, the interviewer sees every visitor running about yelling of a "man with a machete" in the hospital. Immediately, Bowser sprouted his spikes and, in a fierce manner, roared about. Luigi whipped out a pistol from his saggy overalls. Peach donned a small dagger from her enormous bosom.)
Code Red! Code Red! Code Red!
(Our favorite interviewer whipped out his notepad. Only the first page was decorated only with two words. Both were connected with an arrow. He crossed out the second word, which was "consistent", and wrote "highly dangerous.")
(Out of a hallway barged the world's best known doctor, Dr. Mario. Yes, Dr. Mario. Apparently, Dr. Mario came from another world; another world where each person in this current world was emulated, but with different personalities. For example, Dr. Mario is a noble doctor who treats patients for free while Mario is…well, you should know by now. Anyway, coming through a warp pipe into our world, he treated patients here with zest and megavitamins. These megavitamins cured anything except for the pesky mutagen viruses that populated Game Boy Land for quite some time. However, he soon eradicated that land of the viruses and risen to fame in a similar style to Mario's rise.)
(Anyway, Dr. Mario came rushing out a nearby hallway into the hospital lobby when the interviewer entered the hospital. Guards were all about, shouting orders as well as many different kinds of obscenities. The famous doctor shouted to Bowser, who responded with an angry roar. As visitors flooded out of the hospital, guards searched restlessly for the "man with the machete." Doctors eventually stormed the lobby trying to get out of the hospital. One such doctor, though, staggered around. His eyes were crimson red. The interviewer immediately yelled out "Mario!" as Dr. Mario prepared one of his poison tablets. Luigi cocked his pistol, Peach brandished her dagger, and Bowser stomped on the ground with a fury similar to that of an earthquake.)
(With a skill no other doctor can dream of possessing, Dr. Mario shot a small green tablet at the drugged Mario. The tablet fell to the ground, but quickly bounced up to imbed itself into Mario's chest area. The plumber shrieking in pain, his knees started to fail and he slowly descended to the ground. With a heavy sigh, our plumber hits the ground pretty damn hard.)
(Hours later…)
Dr. Mario…it is an honor to grant us an interview under such conditions.
No, no, it is no bother. It is almost impossible to stop the press when they are on a mission.
Yes, that is true. Good joke, sir. Anyway, we would like to know more about your…other-world counterpart, Mario.
Yeah…I figured you would want to ask about that…well…if you talk to the other Nintendo characters I'm sure they can tell you much more than I can.
We know…but perhaps you have some experience with Mario you would like to share with us.
Well…my first incident with Mario was with Pauline's baby…
*
(At the maternal ward)
(Peach and Toadstool were standing waiting to hear news about their friend, Pauline. Having undergone childbirth was not easy, and doctors said it was very difficult for Pauline to even give birth to the child. Anyway, one of the doctors came out of the surgery room, forgetting to take off his surgical mask and gloves.)
Doctor: I am happy to say your friend has made it through the surgery.
Peach: Oh thank you…oh Yamauchi…
Toadstool: So…feeling lucky, Doctor?
(Peach jabs Toadstool right in the soft area near the kidney. Toadstool immediately shuts up. The doctor, finally noticing his surgical apparel was still on, took off his mask and gloves. First, he took off his gloves, revealing his whitish hands. And then he took off his mask. As he did, the girls were shocked. Toadstool screamed while Peach whacked the poor doctor down to the ground.
Peach: Mario! You delivered Pauline's baby?!
Doctor: Well, yes…Miss, please stop that!
Peach: You monster! You first impregnate Pauline and now dare lie to me?
Doctor: How did you know my name is Mario?
(Peach continues her beating while visitors try to free the good doctor. Eventually, a husky Toad separates the maniacal Peach from the good doctor. The doctor tidies himself up, takes out a pill, and shoots it at Peach, who falls unconscious from it. Toadstool, meanwhile, was feeling up the husky Toad that first seized Peach. Everybody else was quietly talking to each other over what just happened as the doors to the maternal ward burst open. Who else burst them open besides Mario…followed by a furious Luigi with a pillow, Bowser, and Miyamoto. Running in a hilarious fashion, Mario runs rampant around the maternal ward, looking for somebody. But who? Who could be giving birth that could be of some importance to the plumber now? Well…I think I just answered my own question. Mario finds his way into the surgery room where Pauline is lying, motionless. With a childish smirk, he jumps and tackles her off the bed, landing right on top of her on the ground. Quite the rude awakening for Pauline.)
Mario: Bitch, where's my baby?
Pauline: You owe me child support!
(With that line, Pauline spits in his face.)
Mario: You spit in my face, you dumb hoe…
(Mario gets off the ground picking Pauline up with him and slaps her to the ground again.)
Mario: Don't be such a naughty bitch now.
(Pauline desperately tries to crawl from Mario. Near the doorway, a whole audience has gathered, including the doctor who Peach assaulted.)
Doctor: Please, stop doing this!
(Mario looks up to see the doctor eye-to-eye. A few seconds later, his whole face turns pale and his heart skips a beat. Can it be…?)
Mario: Who are you?
Doctor: Dr. Mario of the land of Saharasara, but that is not important. I implore you, good sir, to let that woman go!
Mario: Imposter!
(Mario unleashes his machete, ready to stab the innocent doctor, when Luigi and Bowser step into the room. Seeing the weapon Mario has in his hand, Luigi tries to think up of a ploy to keep Mario busy.)
Luigi: Oh, Bowser, get Peach, Toadstool, and Toad in here to see this.
Mario: Toad! Where?
(Mario, now hysterical at Luigi's mentioning of Toad's name, rushes out of the room, the crowd parting a pathway for him to leave the room in search for Toad. Indeed, he finds himself in the waiting room of the maternal ward, where Peach is being subdued by the husky Toad, and Toadstool is feeling up that same Toad. His bloodthirsty manhunt turns into anger as he sees no Toad. But wait…who pops into the maternal ward at the inopportune time but Toad, who was just released from his stay at the hospital from falling unconscious in his apartment.)
Toad: Where is Daisy?
(Alas, Toad looks around the room until his gaze meets Mario's sadistic gaze. With a scream that can rival even the strongest screamer on this planet, he runs out of the room as Mario follows him with the shiny machete in hand.)
(Five minutes later…)
(Mario is being manhandled to a police vehicle by some guards while a bloody Toad is being carried by Luigi and Bowser to the emergency care section of the hospital.)
*
Anyway, Mario was out on bail that night. He just happened to stroll by the hospital again and stab Toad. That time, though, Mario was allowed no bail. He served a sentence of six months for five attempted murders as well as time in rehab for his shroom habits. Also, his brother, Luigi, served time for being a "drug dealer."
Why? Did he sell drugs?
No, he just introduced Mario to the drugs in the first place.
Eventually, they became cell mates and it got messy. Let us just say that matters got so rowdy in Mario and Luigi's prison that they had to move Mario permanently to his rehab center to separate him from his brother.
I see…mind enlightening us with another event.
Well…I am a doctor…I got patients…
I am sorry to even bring it up. Please accept my apologies. Here, take my business card; whenever you have time to talk, please call me.
I will.
All right then.