Questions? See bio. All standard disclaimers apply.
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"Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings."
Yeah, right.
There are a lot of misconceptions about angels. They aren't little cherubic figures that run about in Pampers all giggly and red-checked like the way those people who make those little figurines that they sell in all those ye olde gift shoppes in me ye olde touriste trappe towne type thinge. No, they're a bit more…realistic. Angels, well, angels fart.
Just like humans, only, different. You see, because when an angel farts, something special happens. Something in the magical department. It's only plausible, seeing as angels are magical creatures, therefore every part of them is magical, including their farts. The only problem with angel farts is that the angel can't control what the farts do. No, the farts are just little random puffs of magic that come flying out and bring chaos to the world.
So the next time an angel pigs out on a Gordita, run. Find a bunker, or a bomb shelter.
Hopefully you've written this all down or stored it in the important file inside your mind, seeing as this will be very important to the story I am about to very lucidly tell you. But not yet. No, angels with gas will be jumping into the story eventually, but first we have to introduce our lovely main character. I mean really, the story's called Angel Farts, don't you think that's what the story's going to be about?
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Tsukino Small Lady Usagi was conceived, born, and raised, as white trash. Now, don't start don't start getting angry. Before you start judging her and her parents, you must understand the situation that they are in. Chibi-Usa, as she was nicknamed, and her parents, lived in a village. It had once been a busy happy city, but it was now a small secluded village. Don't ask questions.
The village they resided in consisted of no more than fifty occupants in the past twenty years, roughly Chibi-Usa's age. In other words, you couldn't go a day without encountering at least ninety percent of the population. In other words, cousins weren't considered off-limits. In other words, the family tree's branches were beginning to resemble wreaths. In other words, it was a tiny miserable place where people sat and festered.
And Chibi-Usa had the joy of being brought up in this joyous day and age. Her parents fit in well with the locals, even though they weren't cousins, or even second cousins, or cousins once removed. They had moved to the village when it had still been a city, hoping to raise a great little family. The city shortly after downsized to a village, and Chibi-Usa was born. Her mother, Usagi, never had another child.
Usagi had once been beautiful. But she had also been very dim-witted. She had been a lazy klutz with little interest in school, and more interest in highly stimulating activities like sleep. Fortunately for her, being a woman gave her the easy option of finding some guy to marry and support her. She was then given the occupation of housewife, allowing her to very little thinking and quite a bit of sleeping. Perfect in her opinion.
The man she picked happened to be perfect for her. True love one might say. He was handsome, smart, and rich. He was well on his way to becoming a well-paid surgeon too. Unfortunately, the bright happy city that they moved to became a festering tiny village, and Mamoru's job-and payroll-shrunk a bit as well. He became a country doctor. One of those guys that goes door to door. And he did quite often. Especially to the doors of pretty women who's husbands worked at the mill-type-thing all day.
Usagi sat and festered while he did this, like most housewives do. She found it very relieving to take out much of her stress on Chibi-Usa during the day.
Schools were downsized too, so she was only received an education up to the sixth grade level, and then was sent off into the real world to marry her cousin and have seven children.
And therein lay the conflict of interest that causes this entire story to take place. So, add that little tidbit to your notes.
Chibi-Usa was raised on fairy tales her nice father told her. Well, really he was just trying to get her to go to sleep, and hoped stories would help. Stories of adventure, princess, knights, white steeds, witches and happily ever afters filled her head. It left little room for much else.
So when she was told she had to marry her cousin and have seven kids and spend the rest of her life cleaning up after her husband and kids, well, that just didn't fly.
This troubled Usagi to no end. How was she supposed to get rid of her child if she was unwilling to leave? Who was going to take care of her when she was old? Chibi-Usa was eating food that they couldn't afford to put on the table. It was a small village, and there just weren't enough sick people to pay the bills, even though Mamoru seemed to find ways to be gone all day with relative ease.
It only made matters worse that Chibi-Usa was a terrible cook, clumsy, sullen, and completely disagreeable when it came to anything having to do with housework. She was far too dreamy and stubborn to work. She burnt bread, shrunk clothing, broke dishes, and managed to mess up just about every other seemingly easy task Usagi gave her.
Every night Usagi went to bed praying for some man who would be stupid enough to fall for Chibi-Usa's minimally good looks, and fail to see the terrible wife she could be. It would also be great if he were rich.
And so, the story of Angel Farts begins. And don't worry, there won't be any sappy romance, no dead bodies, no deep psychological issues, no ESP or magical powers, no sailor fukus, no seriousness, no kissing, no dirty make-out scenes, nothing but good wholesome angels and methane gas being emitted with little sparkles of magic angel dust…well, that counts as magic powers…damn.
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My conversation with God went very well.