Um, should I be polite and write little notes to every person who reviewed? Fine, I haven't got much else to do at the moment.
Geminisenshi- Vejiita/Usagi fics make me want to puke. Sorry to the fans. Bahh, bad!! I say, no!! I'm now a nice, kind, understanding person, and I accept that some of you out there do enjoy the pairing, for whatever reasons, but I do not. There, I feel better now. And of course it's unique! It's the only completely clean fic on this entire site! It's beautiful how devoid of filth it is! No terrible romance or death or bloody battles, just angels farting.
H3LL-What can I say? Talking to God has made me a bit of a loon I guess. Well, everyone called Joan of Arc crazy because she conversed with the saints, so it's only naturally that I have my sanity questioned. Although…I'd rather not endure the whole witch persecution, being called a heretic and then being burned at the stake…yeah.
Talysmin- Lol. I was trying to be sincere! I'm just trying to make everyone understand how SORRY I AM. Lol. Okay, okay, so maybe I can't ever squish myself into that nice sweet wholesome little girl mold, certainly not in my writing…by the way thanks, wish my US history teacher would think I can write too…So yeah, I figured the solution to all of my dissatisfaction was a good ol' satire. Filled with, how did you put it, "the insanity of Angels eating too much bean dip."? *snicker*
Neo-QueenCelestia- Scroll down! Don't read this, scroll down!
Tuxedo Gohan- You too! Scroll down!
Lady Firefly- Lol! *Pats Mirai no Trunks on the back* I know, I know, but, well, I couldn't resist. You see, there's so many fics out there called, Angel Tears, or Angel Feathers, or Fallen Angel or Blah Blah Blah Insert Angelic Purity Theme Here. So here is, Angel Farts. Pure, untainted gas. And I reviewed your fic again, explaining myself…go read that after this.
RedHeadChickie-Thanks! And I'll e-mail you the chapter as soon as I finish this…I have to get my giggles out before I attempt something serious. And I'll be a good pure girl who doesn't know the meaning of orgy. I don't. Orgy? Isn't that some scary alternative rock band that I know nothing about? *feigns innocence*
Saru-san-I have redeemed myself, yes! ^^;; I'm a good, good person. Happy thoughts. And God loves me. We have heart to hearts, every night. At least, every night except for Friday. That's Poker night. And what did I say about asking questions?! NO!! And go read Poe. Poe rocks. Tell-tale Heart, Raven, Fall of the House of Usher…read. Now.
Sporanox-If by the Deep End you're referring to me having a much closer relationship with God, why yes! ^^;; Seriously though, this is just what the doctor ordered, and I don't know what you're about, my title is beautiful!! And my summary, which has suddenly and magically changed! It's so…pure. Flawless…oops, I don't say that word anymore. Nope, no longer in my vocabulary. Anyway, yes, do go write more Subzero Soul, it would definitely be something to better the community as a whole. Not that it's bad or anything. NO. This place is perfect! You're only adding to the perfection.
Sailor Darkness- Glad you were able to enjoy it, and Sailor Song, although, that one killed you. Alas, those were the Dark Years, when I wrote fics with homicidal tendencies. This one is completely pacifistic though, as am I.
Yameye- Oh, wow. That was a pretty harsh statement. What caused such a negative reaction from you? Why do you feel the urge to start calling names? I want this to be the least offensive fic possible, so please, tell me what I can do to fix this fic! I just want to be a good author that everyone likes, and nobody feels threatened or offended by my statements! Please, please, help me become a good author!! I want you to be happy. I want everyone that reads this to come off with nothing but happy feelings. ^___________^
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So, now that we have determined what an angel isn't, let us embark upon the discovery of what an angel is. Um…so, angels are…well, they were once humans I guess. And for some reason some guy with greater powers than you or I decided to take some dead humans and shrink them down to a nice portable hand-held size and smack little fluttery wings on their backs. And halos. Bright shiny gold halos that float magically and mysteriously.
And they wander around on earth, doing stuff, like good deeds. Sometimes. Sometimes they just party down. But they're only seen by those who believe in them. Yeah, it's like that fairy in Peter Pan, Tinkle Bell. Ya stop believing and they vanish, and then you have to do the clappy thing and shout about how you *DO* believe even though you don't really and it gets complicated like that…so just freakin believe! It makes everyone's lives much easier!
Onward, ho! Let's get to the important part of this wonderful, moral, ethical, and completely devoid of anything controversial, story.
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So, in review, we've established what angels are and aren't, and that Chibi-Usa is a member of the white-trash community in a small secluded village that was once a busy and happy city, whose mother, Usagi wants to marry off so that she can be properly be taken care of when she is old and gray and her husband has left her for one of the small secluded village cuties.
Did I mention that this takes place in the future? Well, the no so distant future, but the future nonetheless. No, this is not one of those ye olde type stories, seeing as I dislike anything with ye olde anywhere near it, and that things back then were dirty. There is nothing dirty in this fic. It is so clean that I can see my beautiful reflection in it, quite easily. I have a bunch of little non-cherubic angels with their mysterious floaty glowy halos cleaning it and making sure it isn't dirty 24/7. So if you find a smudge on this, don't point it out, since my angels are probably already on the job, cleaning it up. They're good at that, except for when they party down too hard, and they get really trashed and gassy and start lighting their farts and creating massive apocalyptic explosions inside of my fic. You'll see them from a mile away. You'll know when my little army of spit-shiners got too rowdy the night before. Trust me.
So anyway, Chibi-Usa doesn't really want to get married. No, even in the future, people tend to dislike girls that go against the norm, and have "progressive" ideas. Citizens of the small secluded village prefer to avoid uppity ones like Chibi-Usa.
Well naturally, no matter how hard Usagi begged or bribed, few strapping young men had any interest in the liberal Chibi-Usa.
You know what I forgot to do in the first chapter?! I forgot the all important line that must precede every literary work such as this!! ONCE UPON A TIME…just pretend that was at the beginning of the chapter before this. Pretend harder. Good.
Now we're going to shift out of this whole story-teller omnipresent, overview, I-am-the-author-I-am-God-big-boomy-cool-voice-over-thing, to, um, something more action-oriented…yeah…
It's Saturday morning in our happily little village family's village hovel…erm, home.
"Chibi-Usa if you don't get your butt down here right now, I'm going to drag you out by your left ear!!" Usagi screamed up the stairs.
If you have issues with Chibi-Usa, supposed spawn of Satan being the star of my story, first, highlight all of the chapters, right-click on your mouse, and hit Copy. Now open your favorite word processor and select Paste. Now wherever you see the name Usagi, delete it and type in, Evil Anonymous Bitch-Mom. After you have done that, remove the name Chibi-Usa from every line, and insert Usagi in its place.
Feel better now?
If you don't, go through and anywhere that it describes "Usagi" as having pink hair and red eyes, switch to Shiny Silky Gold as Sun/Silver as Moon Long Extravagantly Impossibly Long and Well-Conditioned Hair and Sparkling Dewy Sapphire Opalescent Soul-Searching Eyes.
If that didn't help, I'm sorry, but there's nothing more I can do for you. Seek outside assistance elsewhere.
Chibi-Usa turned over in her bed, finding it a bit difficult to remain asleep when there was an angry blonde woman screaming at you from downstairs to get up.
Finally she sat up and stumbled downstairs.
"Could you be any lazier?" Her mother asked impatiently as Chibi-Usa entered the kitchen, still rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
"Could you be any more of a bitch?" She muttered under her breath, still squinting. With a final swipe, she looked up and raised her voice to audible tones. "Where's Papa?"
"At work, where else?" She replied shortly, turning back to the oven.
"Oh," Chibi-Usa replied, still standing in the middle of the kitchen, not knowing quite what to do.
"Stop standing there in the middle of the kitchen like you don't know quite what to do! Go start picking weeds out of the garden!" Usagi reprimanded a moment later, sliding a pan of bread into the piping hot oven.
Chibi-Usa dutifully went out the backdoor to where the garden was, and spent the morning yanking weeds and pretending that they were chunks of her mother's hair. All the while she whistled a merry tune she had forgotten the name of.
At lunch she helped burn two pies and broke three plates and a cup. In the afternoon she ripped her dress, left the laundry out in the rain, and tracked mud all over the newly cleaned floors.
Usagi then proceeded to shout for an hour straight about how impossible her daughter was, and sent the subject of her rant to bed early without dinner.
Chibi-Usa stalked upstairs, mumbling under her breath and shooting dark looks her mother's way. She flopped onto her bed and did what she did every night. She wished for her Prince Charming to sweep her away from her stupid mother and take her to a more interesting, possibly larger village, since this once had become overrun with festering people.
Usagi remained downstairs, waiting for her husband to return and watching the uneaten dinner slowly cool. It was not until the sun had been down for quite some time that he came through the door, humming happily as he always did.
"Welcome home, dear!" Usagi said brightly, standing up to greet him. "How was your day?"
"It was good," he said, leaning down to peck her on the cheek. He handed her the newspaper.
"Oh! Great!" Usagi said, happily grabbing the rolled up papers and sitting down to read it. She loved to have the inside scoop on all of the local gossip, and the newspaper was an excellent source of information.
But it was not the gossip column that caught her eye that night. It was in the Classifieds section that Usagi found what she believed to be a godsend. It was proof that there was a God, and that he was indeed forgiving, and maybe even loving.
*Angel appears in front of screen and spots a smudge*
Angel: Goddammit, I've already cleaned this thing fifty times today! Stop fingering the damn screen! Don't you have any control?! *Spits on screen and wipes with a rag* I am NOT getting paid enough to do this job! Damn Misty and her obsession with cleanliness…anal retentive bi-
*Angel explodes*
*New Angel enters and sweeps up ashes*
I told you! Nothing impure around here, not even my cleaner-uppers!! ^_^ Review if you'd like! There will be more good home-cooked and cleaned entertainment coming soon! Next chapter we reveal just what the ad is about! And why Usagi is so relieved by it!