*
I don't know what's happening. I don't know anything at all. I don't know what I'm doing, what I'm feeling – I'm in a world of darkness where there is no light to show me the way. I am completely lost. And it's not just in my feelings – it's in school and with my friends as well. I have a feeling that Martha told everyone. That wouldn't be good.
Well, I'm not quite sure that she's told anyone, though it's become quite obvious that she is mad at me for some reason. I think she knows why I was out with the Marauders that night, even though I still don't remember anything. I think she knows – everything. That's kind of a scary thought. But then, Martha and Severus are somewhat scary people. I think they know everything about me – things I've never even told them. I can't keep a thing from them. For all you know, Sev could have known about – my feelings – before I even confirmed them myself, or told Martha, or told Remus, or told – anyone. I'm not sure what to do. I think I'll go to bed – it's getting late and Martha seems to be getting suspicious about what I'm writing here.
*
I'm not sure if anyone's going to find this and read it, but well – I guess whoever does won't really find much. The only reason I'm writing in this – journal – is because Sirius told me to. Who knows why he's started giving me advice about this kind of stuff, but I don't really care. I just need to – how did he phrase it? Get it out of my system. But, wait, what am I trying to forget – Lily?
I don't understand what she does – but she just makes me feel as though – I don't know, actually. I mean, I know, I just – don't. But that doesn't make sense. I know how I feel. I just can't explain it. But, why can't I? What's so complex and confusing about it that I don't know how to express my feelings? I'm a prefect and the top of my year. And yet, I can't talk about some stupid girl.
No, not stupid – brilliant – amazing – wonderful… She's half mad, I swear. No, not half-mad, she's completely crazy. But I love her for it. She may be slightly mad, no, she's completely mad, but – jeez, I'm doing nothing but repeating myself. What good is that?
I don't even know why I love her for being crazy. I'm still not even sure if I love her or not. That's a pretty big word for a fifteen-year-old, that's all I know. No, I don't think I love her. It's just a stupid crush. No, not stupid – smart – unavoidable – but it won't plan my entire life based on her. I'm not that – well, I don't like her that much. I hope.
But how do I know how I really feel? I mean, how can I compare or test my feelings until I know for sure what my feelings are? All I know is that – well, Lily isn't much to look at, unless you count her emerald eyes. As for how smart she is, I don't really know. She's a prefect according to Remus, but I don't know much else. She's an amazing flyer and a Keeper. That I know for a fact. She's got courage and she's a feisty, quick-tongued girl. But other than that, I know next to nothing about her. Then why am I so crazy about her?
Honestly, if I'm not crazy, I don't know what I am! I can't get her out of my mind. Seriously, I haven't been able to get to sleep the last few days just because I can't get her face out of my mind. And it's not as though I see her all the time, or something. I barely see her – and yet it's as though I see her all over the place. I keep thinking she's said my name or laughed at me or with me or something, even if she's not there. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I must be mad. That's the only explanation. A nice couple we'd make. She's half-mad – or completely mad, rather, dragging us out in the middle of the night into the Forbidden Forest – and me, I'm as mad as can be about her, who's even madder? I'm not even making sense anymore. Well, that's a relief, in a way. Anyone who tries to read this stupid thing won't be able to make head or tail of it. I can't even make head or tail of it, come to that.
Crikey, if Sirius or Remus find this – I didn't mean to write this much down in this – this – book or journal or diary or whatever it is. If they find it – I'm toast. The rest of my life is going to be filled with nothing but they're taunting me and teasing me. Oh no, what if Lily finds it? Then I'm going to be a burnt toast. Ha, that was stupid. But it's true. If she knows what I feel like – well, they probably don't call her the Slytherin Queen for nothing. She's probably got some kind of hatred for Gryffindors deep down inside of her. Or else, she probably has some sort of prejudice against guys who like her…
I'm stupid, having a one-sided conversation like this, or rather, writing to myself like this – or whatever it is I'm doing. I just need to forget about her – that's it – just forget. Forget and be happy. That's the only solution. I'll just forget I ever met a Muggle-born redhead with beautiful emerald green eyes (A/N: Lol, my friends were going through their Religion facts – "One heart and one mind in the heart of Jesus" – and I was about to write that down instead of what I really meant! That would've been strange – extremely strange...) named Liliane Evans. It's as easy as that.
Or should I say, easier said than done?
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