Buffy arranged to meet Tara between classes the following afternoon at the Espresso Pump. She needed to talk about what had happened between her and Spike and Riley over the past few days, and didn't want to have to face the shock and shame of telling someone who didn't already know some of what had been going on. Tara had been like a second mother to Dawn over the past year, and now Buffy felt she needed some of that support herself.
When she reached the Pump, she found Tara already holding a booth for the two of them in a quiet corner. Buffy placed her order, and then joined her.
"Hi Buffy," said Tara warmly as she sat down. "How have you been since Riley and Sam left? I imagine it was difficult for you to see him again after so long," she said, seeing right to the heart of people's troubles, as always.
"And finding out he was married and had a perfect wife and perfect life didn't really help," added Buffy with some asperity. "Way to make me feel like I'd messed up my own life beyond possibility of recovery."
"Your life isn't messed up, Buffy," Tara insisted gently. "You've had to go through some things that would have left most people catatonic, or worse. You certainly can't be blamed if you're finding it difficult to get back to normal." "Normal," Buffy sighed. "Right. Not the adjective I would have chosen." She ran one hand wearily over her face.
"Are you feeling okay?" Tara asked, concerned. "You look tired."
Buffy waved away her concern. "I had a nightmare last night, then couldn't get back to sleep. It's nothing." She looked at Tara squarely. "He found us together."
"In your dream?" Tara asked, confused.
Drawing a deep breath to steady herself, Buffy explained. "I went patrolling with Sam that night," she said. "She told me a lot about the two of them, and after a while I couldn't take any more, so I blew her off. I . . . went to see Spike. To see if he had any information on the dealer called 'The Doctor' that we were looking for," she added quickly, worried that Tara would misinterpret her reason. "He wanted . . . to be paid for information, and I . . . things got pretty intense," she finished lamely.
The arrival of the server with her coffee spared Buffy for a moment, but once she had left again there was no further protection, and she dove grimly back into her story. "I suppose I was jealous of how the two of them seemed so happy together. I wanted to be with someone . . . even if it was wrong," she admitted at last.
"Riley turned up information that night that Spike was actually the Doctor, and he . . . found us together in Spike's crypt the next morning." Buffy's cheeks burned hot with the remembered shame of that moment. Tara took her hand in wordless sympathy that touched her more than anything she could have said. It was such a relief to finally be able to tell someone.
"I went back the next day and told Spike that we couldn't see each other any more, that it was over. I'd only been using him to make myself feel something," she explained earnestly. "It wasn't right or fair and it had to stop."
Tara was silent for some time, though she didn't release Buffy's hand. She chose her words carefully when she spoke again. "Buffy . . . you can't go through the rest of your life not letting yourself feel anything. It's okay if you enjoy being with him. He does love you."
"I can't love him," Buffy replied. "I can't. And he makes me want to do things . . . that are just wrong," she whispered, afraid of being overheard.
"What two people choose to do together to please each other isn't wrong, Buffy," Tara said quietly.
Buffy belatedly realized that her comment might be interpreted as something of a slur on all unconventional relationships, and she back-pedalled quickly. "I didn't mean-"
"You've become friends over the last few months since you returned," Tara went on, choosing to ignore Buffy's embarrassment, "and when friends move to being lovers, sometimes the intensity of the relationship can be frightening."
"No!" Buffy insisted. "He's not my friend. There's no relationship. I want him out of my life." She removed her hand from Tara's gentle hold. "I want you to put the uninvite spell back on our house," she said. "I know that vampires can always enter public places, but there must be some other kind of spell we can use to keep him away from me if I go out."
Tara shook her head. "Buffy, you can't just make Spike avoid you. It won't do anything to help you deal with how you feel about him."
"For the last time," she replied firmly, "I don't feel anything about him - except the pain in my ass when he's around. I want him to stop bothering me. If you won't help me," Buffy warned, "I'll either do it myself or find someone who will."
Sighing in resignation, Tara said, "I'll come tonight and do the uninvite, at least. That will give you some more time to think about what you actually want."
"I know exactly what I want," said Buffy, getting up from the table and leaving her coffee, untouched, behind her. "I want everything back the way it was."
"You can't force a plant back into a seed, or a person back to what they used to be," Tara murmured. "You can only grow and change, or die." But Buffy was gone.