Well, I know, I know, this took FOREVER, but trust me! No one regrets it
more than I do! I have school!!!!! *mutters grumpily about homework and
certain teachers* And w/ soccer, I don't get home until 6- EVERY DAY! And
on Wed's it's not till 9:15. then, I get to START MY
HOMEWORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't touched a computer since last weekend!
So give me a break, OK? I'll try to do this as fast as I can.
Oh- friends from school, if/when you review, will you PLEASE let me know who you are?? Email me, whatever. I have an email listed in my author bio (click on my penname), and if you know my other one, you can use that too, if you don't want to leave your real name on the site. Please? I love all reviews, but it makes me even happier if I know who you are. Thanks! And an especial thanks to whoever R/R-ed Shadowdancer too- you rock! Ok, ok, I'll let you read the fic now.
Sasina (Sass for short) Chapter 11- A Cold Stone Embrace
Sass huddled in a small corner of a little-used corridor, sobbing silently. She didn't know why she was upset, she didn't know anything except she was desperately sad and lonely, but needing to be alone. Even Myrtle wouldn't be able to help her out of this. /I want to be normal/, she cried. /I want to have friends, a family, a boyfriend, a life, for God's sake! But./ the facts presented themselves, marching in straight little lines like soldiers, bright and thoughtless. /My parents are dead. They were probably muggles. My only father-figure hates me. and just knowing Him will /keep/ me from having any other friends, boy-friends included. Emara and Michelle are wonderful, but they're in /Tokyo/. They can't help me much here. And, honestly. I don't want to worry them. They have enough to do without me. And what /is/ life, exactly? If it's breathing and eating the food other people have grown, then I've got it. But,/ she stood up and paced down the hall, looking for a window, /I think it's something more. Something I don't have. Oh god./ It was the middle of the night. She didn't know if He was looking for her, and didn't care. They had been talking earlier that evening. Sass was still trying to get him to ease up on the Griffindors, and she'd said something wrong, she didn't know what.
Severus stood up, his face suddenly a mask of rage. "I don't know what you're problem is, Sass!" he yelled. "But you know what? I don't really care any more. Go!" Sass stayed where she was, frozen in shock. /What's wrong? Why is he acting like this?/ When Severus saw she wasn't leaving, he snarled. "Well, what's wrong? Last I knew, there wasn't anything wrong with your /hearing/, at least." /He's just mad, he doesn't really mean it, he can't mean it-/ Sass thought frantically. She /couldn't/ let herself believe that Severus meant those things. There was no way. "Or maybe there is," Severus, no, this was the /Snape/ of legend in Gryffindor, sneered. "In that case I can make it clearer." He pointed dramatically to the door, and put his face close to hers. "Go. Leave. Go talk trash about me with all your Gryffindor friends, don't think I don't know you do. Just get the hell out of here, and stop pretending you're not just like all the rest!" With the last word, Snape punched her across the cheek with his left fist, making her stumble into the doorframe.
Sass gasped in shock, raising her hand to where he had struck her. /He hit me- he hit me, he's just like the rest of them, he /hit/ me!/ Without another word, she fled out the door, biting back tears. She would not give Him the pleasure of seeing her pain.
Blinded by the tears she would not let fall- yet- Sass sprinted down the hall, knowing that He would never be able to catch her, not ever again, because she was training, and she was strong now- and she could be alone if she wanted to.
Sass finally found a window, and she opened it quickly, standing on the thick ledge. She looked out at the night- beautiful and clear, a perfect contrast to her dark feelings. She briefly wondered what it would feel like to jump, and never have to worry again. but that was not what she had come here for. Sass leaned out and looked for a foothold. She lifted herself off of the window ledge and began to climb up the wall.
The first ledge she reached, Sass shed her robes, knowing she would be unable to move in them. She tucked the black bundle into a nook, thinking she might be able to come back for it, then continued her climb.
Handhold, foothold, reach, touch, pull- Sass was acutely aware of everything around her, from the whip of the cold wind around her body to the slight pain of her scars as she stretched to find holds. Tears continued to fall from her face, forcing her to climb blind. No matter- although Sass was not attempting to commit suicide, she could not really say she cared at this point if she did die. /Who would care, anyway?/ she asked herself. /Emara and Michelle barely know me- they'd mourn, yes, but they would move on. They might even adopt another child./ She turned this around in her head as she felt for a foothold, and found it to be true. /Remus would be incredibly sad- he's already lost his brother this year- but he, too, would be fine. And-/ she thought hard before saying this even to herself, but she was sure it would be so. /He might even feel a little bit relieved- I'm one less person who could betray his secret. And Sandra and Hermione would be fine. They, too would be upset, but it would pass, as all things do. Myrtle- Myrtle's fine now, she doesn't need me anymore. She would miss me, but she's made friends with some of the other ghosts, and they would be able to help her. And then- Him- Snape-/ she stopped for a moment, resting her forehead against the cool stone of Hogwarts. /I don't know what he would do/. She made a sudden jerking motion and began to climb once again. And I don't care. /He's just like Paul, he hit me- I- I- / Jumping seemed a like a better idea now. Sass pulled herself up on another window ledge and turned to face the view before her. She was at the sixth floor, more than enough to ensure death if she jumped. Wind blasted Sass furiously, lifting up her chin-length black hair, and whipping her tee- shirt and shorts. She never wore clothes like this in public, because someone would see the scars. Scars, both mental and physical, that criss- crossed her like the swaying branches of the trees she saw below, endless and dark.
Sass looked up at the stars, wondering if she wanted to- needed to- really do this. And a sudden gust of wind blew her again, so she faced the wall, and not the oblivion. Warm tears fell from her cheeks and froze as the wind hit them. She would live, then. live to fight. and live to learn and to give. Give but never receive. Sass took a deep breath and started to climb once again, attempting to pull herself out of the dark hole that beckoned. She did not know why she felt the urge to climb, but climb she did. The seventh floor came, and then the eighth. Sass could feel her body chilling, and knew that if she were to stop moving now, it would be almost certain death, for it was December, and the night was cold enough to kill if one wished. But Sass continued to go up, past the tenth floor, and the twelfth. Hogwarts only had sixteen floors, and in a few hours, the cold dawn would come, illuminating her, a small being clinging to the walls of the great stone castle. At the fourteenth floor, Sass found an undercut, and realized that she would not be able to continue.
"NO!" she screamed, speaking aloud for the first time since she had left His office. "I can't stop now! I- I almost made it!" She frantically began to climb sideways, looking for a way to continue up. She knew she was being irrational, knew she should just go back inside, but that somehow didn't matter anymore. And then, an opportunity came, in the form of a corner with a drainpipe. Sass saw the small grey cylinder go up, then out on the two-meter overhang, angling back in as the castle sloped back in to it's normal size. A risky proposition- but she didn't care. She grasped the small tube in her hands, feeling that it was much smoother than the wall of the castle. Sass took a deep breath, and moved her feet so they were on the bar too, trusting her full weight to it.
Sass closed her eyes for a moment, opened them, and began to climb again. The cruel wind pushed at her as she clung, squirrel-like, to the drainpipe, inching her way slowly out, away from the wall. She glanced down for a moment, and saw the ground, over fifty meters below her.
Every time Sass took a hand or foot off the pipe, it seemed like the wind gusted, trying to force her to let go. But she clung tight, refusing to fall. /Nothing will make me do anything I don't want to/, she thought fiercely at it. /If I choose to take my life, I will do it under my own power, not yours. I *will- not- fall*/.
Finally Sass reached the edge of the overhang. She tentatively gripped the edge with a hand, then two. Sass realized there was no way she could scramble over this thing. She took a deep breath, checked her handholds, and let her feet slip off the drainpipe.
The wind buffeted her slender body, trying to whip her away. For a moment Sass was powerless in its strength, unable to do anything but hold on. Then the wind slowed for a moment and Sass pulled herself up in one smooth motion- she was as strong as she'd ever been.
Sass lay on the stone ledge for a moment, allowing the cold of the stone to seep into her body, taking away her emotions. She barely remembered why she was out here- why tears still fell from her eyes onto numb cheeks. But her purpose was clear. Sass crawled back over to the wall of the castle and started to scale the fifteenth floor. She found the climbing harder now- her body was cold, and the muscles did not want to obey her in their fatigue. Sass forced herself up every inch, though. She knew that for whatever reason, she /had/ to reach the top of this building.
And all at once, the end came. Sass pulled herself up onto the circular roof of the East Tower. And to her surprise, she found a chair sitting on the top, made of stone, facing east. She collapsed into it gratefully; all her problems were rushing back now that she had achieved her goal. The sun was starting to rise- Sass could see the grey on the horizon that heralded its coming. She knew she would have to return to the inside soon, and resume the daily round of classes and taunting, but she couldn't help but linger. Sass felt her heartbeat slowing, and her limbs going numb. She knew she was in danger of catching pneumonia, but the grey- the grey was so beautiful! She watched in a dream as it crept across the sky, illuminating the Forbidden Forest and Hogwarts. Sass could barely feel the tears rolling down her cheeks, and yet she wasn't cold anymore. She knew she ought to be sad, upset, angry, scared- but none of it mattered. Just the sunrise.
Now the blue was following the grey, and Sass looked down from her seat to see a Care of Magical Creatures Class walking outside.
/WHAT/? Suddenly Sass' numbness was shattered. She needed to get down, or else she'd miss Transfigurations! She stood up abruptly, and swayed for a moment before she was able to force herself to climb into a window below her. Then she thought quickly, thinking of a way to get to her room and change into robes and then get to class quickly. How she wished she knew how to do a Summoning Charm! But she'd manage. She always did.
Sass ran down the corridor, keeping her ears open for any sounds that might warn her of someone's approach. She felt lightheaded and a little dizzy, but she dismissed that, as well as the pounding pain in her feet from being so cold, and then forced to run. Fortunately, she met no one on her way to the dorms. She hurriedly pulled on her robes, taking a quick glance in the communal mirror. /Shit/, she thought.
Her face was stark white, and her eyes, glowing and bloodshot, had huge bags under them. When she moved a hand up to touch her cheek, it was burning hot. /I must've caught something./ she thought. /But I can't let anyone know!/ She quickly rooted through Marisa's makeup supplies, looking for anything skin-toned. Finally she found something, and kept putting it on until her face looked some semblance of normal. Then she took a deep breath to keep from passing out, and forced herself to run to Transfigurations.
Once she reached the classroom, Sass stopped for a moment, pushing down her short black hair and trying to convince her body that it really /didn't/ need to pass out just now, thanks all the same. Once she'd caught her breath, she slowly pushed the door open.
Professor McGonagall stopped in the middle of her sentence as Sass entered. Her narrowed eyes instantly took in Sass' disheveled robes, quick breath, and slightly flustered expression. She raised a single eyebrow- this was Sass' first time ever being late to a class. "Ten points from Griffindor for tardiness," she said, and continued on with the lesson. Sass walked slowly to the back of the classroom, where she sat. She couldn't hear McGonagall, or the snickers and whispers of the other first-years. There was a curious roaring in her ears, and the urge to give in to it was so tempting. but she knew she mustn't. But why? Oh yeah, they'd find out about Him and her climb up the walls.
Sass sat down numbly, watching everything grow larger, then smaller, then darken, then fade to white. She saw His face, suddenly, and gasped, not seeing the looks her classmates gave her. She didn't feel Sandra gently shaking her arm, didn't hear her whisper, "Sass- Sass? What's wrong?"
Sass felt herself start to fall, and she knew she must decide whether to fight it or not. The darkness embraced her with loving arms-
He he he.
Diety!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks so much for all the reviews! I'm glad you like the longer- chapter version. YOU ROCK!!! Thanks a mill.
Someone else.OS:GHJSEHJ:OGTWS:HJ:
Ok, you all know the drill, REVIEW! I have school now, so I really need motivation to pound these out, cuz I just don't have time.
Oh- friends from school, if/when you review, will you PLEASE let me know who you are?? Email me, whatever. I have an email listed in my author bio (click on my penname), and if you know my other one, you can use that too, if you don't want to leave your real name on the site. Please? I love all reviews, but it makes me even happier if I know who you are. Thanks! And an especial thanks to whoever R/R-ed Shadowdancer too- you rock! Ok, ok, I'll let you read the fic now.
Sasina (Sass for short) Chapter 11- A Cold Stone Embrace
Sass huddled in a small corner of a little-used corridor, sobbing silently. She didn't know why she was upset, she didn't know anything except she was desperately sad and lonely, but needing to be alone. Even Myrtle wouldn't be able to help her out of this. /I want to be normal/, she cried. /I want to have friends, a family, a boyfriend, a life, for God's sake! But./ the facts presented themselves, marching in straight little lines like soldiers, bright and thoughtless. /My parents are dead. They were probably muggles. My only father-figure hates me. and just knowing Him will /keep/ me from having any other friends, boy-friends included. Emara and Michelle are wonderful, but they're in /Tokyo/. They can't help me much here. And, honestly. I don't want to worry them. They have enough to do without me. And what /is/ life, exactly? If it's breathing and eating the food other people have grown, then I've got it. But,/ she stood up and paced down the hall, looking for a window, /I think it's something more. Something I don't have. Oh god./ It was the middle of the night. She didn't know if He was looking for her, and didn't care. They had been talking earlier that evening. Sass was still trying to get him to ease up on the Griffindors, and she'd said something wrong, she didn't know what.
Severus stood up, his face suddenly a mask of rage. "I don't know what you're problem is, Sass!" he yelled. "But you know what? I don't really care any more. Go!" Sass stayed where she was, frozen in shock. /What's wrong? Why is he acting like this?/ When Severus saw she wasn't leaving, he snarled. "Well, what's wrong? Last I knew, there wasn't anything wrong with your /hearing/, at least." /He's just mad, he doesn't really mean it, he can't mean it-/ Sass thought frantically. She /couldn't/ let herself believe that Severus meant those things. There was no way. "Or maybe there is," Severus, no, this was the /Snape/ of legend in Gryffindor, sneered. "In that case I can make it clearer." He pointed dramatically to the door, and put his face close to hers. "Go. Leave. Go talk trash about me with all your Gryffindor friends, don't think I don't know you do. Just get the hell out of here, and stop pretending you're not just like all the rest!" With the last word, Snape punched her across the cheek with his left fist, making her stumble into the doorframe.
Sass gasped in shock, raising her hand to where he had struck her. /He hit me- he hit me, he's just like the rest of them, he /hit/ me!/ Without another word, she fled out the door, biting back tears. She would not give Him the pleasure of seeing her pain.
Blinded by the tears she would not let fall- yet- Sass sprinted down the hall, knowing that He would never be able to catch her, not ever again, because she was training, and she was strong now- and she could be alone if she wanted to.
Sass finally found a window, and she opened it quickly, standing on the thick ledge. She looked out at the night- beautiful and clear, a perfect contrast to her dark feelings. She briefly wondered what it would feel like to jump, and never have to worry again. but that was not what she had come here for. Sass leaned out and looked for a foothold. She lifted herself off of the window ledge and began to climb up the wall.
The first ledge she reached, Sass shed her robes, knowing she would be unable to move in them. She tucked the black bundle into a nook, thinking she might be able to come back for it, then continued her climb.
Handhold, foothold, reach, touch, pull- Sass was acutely aware of everything around her, from the whip of the cold wind around her body to the slight pain of her scars as she stretched to find holds. Tears continued to fall from her face, forcing her to climb blind. No matter- although Sass was not attempting to commit suicide, she could not really say she cared at this point if she did die. /Who would care, anyway?/ she asked herself. /Emara and Michelle barely know me- they'd mourn, yes, but they would move on. They might even adopt another child./ She turned this around in her head as she felt for a foothold, and found it to be true. /Remus would be incredibly sad- he's already lost his brother this year- but he, too, would be fine. And-/ she thought hard before saying this even to herself, but she was sure it would be so. /He might even feel a little bit relieved- I'm one less person who could betray his secret. And Sandra and Hermione would be fine. They, too would be upset, but it would pass, as all things do. Myrtle- Myrtle's fine now, she doesn't need me anymore. She would miss me, but she's made friends with some of the other ghosts, and they would be able to help her. And then- Him- Snape-/ she stopped for a moment, resting her forehead against the cool stone of Hogwarts. /I don't know what he would do/. She made a sudden jerking motion and began to climb once again. And I don't care. /He's just like Paul, he hit me- I- I- / Jumping seemed a like a better idea now. Sass pulled herself up on another window ledge and turned to face the view before her. She was at the sixth floor, more than enough to ensure death if she jumped. Wind blasted Sass furiously, lifting up her chin-length black hair, and whipping her tee- shirt and shorts. She never wore clothes like this in public, because someone would see the scars. Scars, both mental and physical, that criss- crossed her like the swaying branches of the trees she saw below, endless and dark.
Sass looked up at the stars, wondering if she wanted to- needed to- really do this. And a sudden gust of wind blew her again, so she faced the wall, and not the oblivion. Warm tears fell from her cheeks and froze as the wind hit them. She would live, then. live to fight. and live to learn and to give. Give but never receive. Sass took a deep breath and started to climb once again, attempting to pull herself out of the dark hole that beckoned. She did not know why she felt the urge to climb, but climb she did. The seventh floor came, and then the eighth. Sass could feel her body chilling, and knew that if she were to stop moving now, it would be almost certain death, for it was December, and the night was cold enough to kill if one wished. But Sass continued to go up, past the tenth floor, and the twelfth. Hogwarts only had sixteen floors, and in a few hours, the cold dawn would come, illuminating her, a small being clinging to the walls of the great stone castle. At the fourteenth floor, Sass found an undercut, and realized that she would not be able to continue.
"NO!" she screamed, speaking aloud for the first time since she had left His office. "I can't stop now! I- I almost made it!" She frantically began to climb sideways, looking for a way to continue up. She knew she was being irrational, knew she should just go back inside, but that somehow didn't matter anymore. And then, an opportunity came, in the form of a corner with a drainpipe. Sass saw the small grey cylinder go up, then out on the two-meter overhang, angling back in as the castle sloped back in to it's normal size. A risky proposition- but she didn't care. She grasped the small tube in her hands, feeling that it was much smoother than the wall of the castle. Sass took a deep breath, and moved her feet so they were on the bar too, trusting her full weight to it.
Sass closed her eyes for a moment, opened them, and began to climb again. The cruel wind pushed at her as she clung, squirrel-like, to the drainpipe, inching her way slowly out, away from the wall. She glanced down for a moment, and saw the ground, over fifty meters below her.
Every time Sass took a hand or foot off the pipe, it seemed like the wind gusted, trying to force her to let go. But she clung tight, refusing to fall. /Nothing will make me do anything I don't want to/, she thought fiercely at it. /If I choose to take my life, I will do it under my own power, not yours. I *will- not- fall*/.
Finally Sass reached the edge of the overhang. She tentatively gripped the edge with a hand, then two. Sass realized there was no way she could scramble over this thing. She took a deep breath, checked her handholds, and let her feet slip off the drainpipe.
The wind buffeted her slender body, trying to whip her away. For a moment Sass was powerless in its strength, unable to do anything but hold on. Then the wind slowed for a moment and Sass pulled herself up in one smooth motion- she was as strong as she'd ever been.
Sass lay on the stone ledge for a moment, allowing the cold of the stone to seep into her body, taking away her emotions. She barely remembered why she was out here- why tears still fell from her eyes onto numb cheeks. But her purpose was clear. Sass crawled back over to the wall of the castle and started to scale the fifteenth floor. She found the climbing harder now- her body was cold, and the muscles did not want to obey her in their fatigue. Sass forced herself up every inch, though. She knew that for whatever reason, she /had/ to reach the top of this building.
And all at once, the end came. Sass pulled herself up onto the circular roof of the East Tower. And to her surprise, she found a chair sitting on the top, made of stone, facing east. She collapsed into it gratefully; all her problems were rushing back now that she had achieved her goal. The sun was starting to rise- Sass could see the grey on the horizon that heralded its coming. She knew she would have to return to the inside soon, and resume the daily round of classes and taunting, but she couldn't help but linger. Sass felt her heartbeat slowing, and her limbs going numb. She knew she was in danger of catching pneumonia, but the grey- the grey was so beautiful! She watched in a dream as it crept across the sky, illuminating the Forbidden Forest and Hogwarts. Sass could barely feel the tears rolling down her cheeks, and yet she wasn't cold anymore. She knew she ought to be sad, upset, angry, scared- but none of it mattered. Just the sunrise.
Now the blue was following the grey, and Sass looked down from her seat to see a Care of Magical Creatures Class walking outside.
/WHAT/? Suddenly Sass' numbness was shattered. She needed to get down, or else she'd miss Transfigurations! She stood up abruptly, and swayed for a moment before she was able to force herself to climb into a window below her. Then she thought quickly, thinking of a way to get to her room and change into robes and then get to class quickly. How she wished she knew how to do a Summoning Charm! But she'd manage. She always did.
Sass ran down the corridor, keeping her ears open for any sounds that might warn her of someone's approach. She felt lightheaded and a little dizzy, but she dismissed that, as well as the pounding pain in her feet from being so cold, and then forced to run. Fortunately, she met no one on her way to the dorms. She hurriedly pulled on her robes, taking a quick glance in the communal mirror. /Shit/, she thought.
Her face was stark white, and her eyes, glowing and bloodshot, had huge bags under them. When she moved a hand up to touch her cheek, it was burning hot. /I must've caught something./ she thought. /But I can't let anyone know!/ She quickly rooted through Marisa's makeup supplies, looking for anything skin-toned. Finally she found something, and kept putting it on until her face looked some semblance of normal. Then she took a deep breath to keep from passing out, and forced herself to run to Transfigurations.
Once she reached the classroom, Sass stopped for a moment, pushing down her short black hair and trying to convince her body that it really /didn't/ need to pass out just now, thanks all the same. Once she'd caught her breath, she slowly pushed the door open.
Professor McGonagall stopped in the middle of her sentence as Sass entered. Her narrowed eyes instantly took in Sass' disheveled robes, quick breath, and slightly flustered expression. She raised a single eyebrow- this was Sass' first time ever being late to a class. "Ten points from Griffindor for tardiness," she said, and continued on with the lesson. Sass walked slowly to the back of the classroom, where she sat. She couldn't hear McGonagall, or the snickers and whispers of the other first-years. There was a curious roaring in her ears, and the urge to give in to it was so tempting. but she knew she mustn't. But why? Oh yeah, they'd find out about Him and her climb up the walls.
Sass sat down numbly, watching everything grow larger, then smaller, then darken, then fade to white. She saw His face, suddenly, and gasped, not seeing the looks her classmates gave her. She didn't feel Sandra gently shaking her arm, didn't hear her whisper, "Sass- Sass? What's wrong?"
Sass felt herself start to fall, and she knew she must decide whether to fight it or not. The darkness embraced her with loving arms-
He he he.
Diety!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks so much for all the reviews! I'm glad you like the longer- chapter version. YOU ROCK!!! Thanks a mill.
Someone else.OS:GHJSEHJ:OGTWS:HJ:
Ok, you all know the drill, REVIEW! I have school now, so I really need motivation to pound these out, cuz I just don't have time.