I awoke long before I opened my eyes. But I sat for the longest time in the
early morning holding Padmé close to my chest, basking in the warmth
radiating from her. I still felt that sense of power, and it was unlike
anything I'd felt before. When I went to the Dark side, power had fed and
cared for me, letting me settle in its comforting grasp. I was blinded by
that power, unable to see what it made me do, what penance I paid to keep
it flowing through me, to keep those warm hands around me, keeping me safe.
The power from Padmé was different. For the first time in weeks, I felt as if Vader had fully vanished from my mind, as if I were free again. I hadn't felt that way for four, maybe five years. He'd always been there, always had been a part of me. Now his voice quieted, and I found the silence delicious and more satisfying than any power I'd felt from Darkness. The feeling that Padmé gave me was like . . . courage. I felt that I could do anything I wanted to, *without* the help of Vader, of the blackness so consuming. I don't think I've ever felt like that before.
The warm body pressed against my own began to stir, and I cursed the daylight for intruding on the night Padmé and I had shared. She made a soft noise, like a sigh, and I couldn't help the brilliant smile that lit up my face. When I looked down at her head, her warm brown eyes met my own, and a sleepy smile was returned to my own. She gave me a kiss on the cheek, then murmered something that sounded like 'good morning'.
"What time is it?" Padmé asked, sitting up and effectively removing my body from her own. I felt loss, and my skin cried out to touch hers again, but I didn't give in.
"The sun only rose about an hour ago," I answered, nodding towards the window in our room as I sat up next to her. "I don't know standard Alderaan time."
Padmé nodded, acknowledging my answer. There was an awkwardness between us that was frustrating and wonderful at the same time. It was almost as if last night had been our first time, like we were new lovers again. I let my gaze run over her, taking in everything about her, engraving this picture in my mind for all of eternity. She met my brown eyes nervously, flushed, then looked away. I tried not to chuckle at her discomfort.
"Did you sleep well?" Padmé asked, sounding distracted as she stared at the wall.
"Mmm-hmm. And you?" I asked.
Padmé dared to look at my eyes. She was shy and innocent, an endearing sight. "I slept peacefully," she said softly. She was feeling something along the lines of what I was, a wonder and calm, a sudden completion, I could see it in her eyes. It was almost as if I had gone for so long as a half-empty shell, not even realizing it. But now that I was with Padmé again, the shell was filled with a bright light, and I felt happy and . . . complete.
I cocked my head, feeling a tremor in the Force that distracted me momentarily from Padmé. It came from Obi-Wan, a shock of sudden sadness that was so powerful I felt as if it was I who was feeling it. Loss cut through him, tearing at my own heart, and then anger began to flow, gently at first, but gather more power with each passing second. He suppressed it, and he blocked his mind from the Force, disconnecting me from everything he was feeling.
"What's wrong?" Padmé demanded, holding onto my arm. Whatever it was that came from Obi-Wan must have showed up on my face, and I sent my wife a reassuring smile.
"Something's wrong with Obi-Wan," I answered softly. I closed my eyes and reached out with the Force, hoping that somehow I could re-establish that connection. It was in vain; Obi-Wan didn't want me to share in his thoughts, and I had a feeling that his walls were up tightly, shielding me in particular from whatever it was that troubled him.
Padmé looked away, and I had a sneaking suspicion that she knew something. Before I could question her, though, the door opened with a swoosh sound. Standing there with his hands on his hips was Luke.
"I feel bad," he said, coming forward. He began to climb onto the bed, and I felt a sense of intrusion invade me. I resisted the urge to push him off the bed and tell him to go away. "I feel sad."
"What's wrong?" Padmé asked. Luke climbed into the space between Padmé and I, and she began to stroke his hair as he laid down on the pillows.
"I don't know!" Luke said, frustrated. "I just woke up because I feel sad. I started to cry. Then I felt . . . I felt really, really bad."
I wanted to get out of bed so that I could go to Obi-Wan, to see and comfort my old master, but I didn't want to scar Luke for life by seeing his father jump naked out of bed. Instead I settled for giving Padmé a meaningful look that she chose to ignore for the time being. She was too worried about her child.
"What is it?" she asked me. She could tell by my panicked look that I knew what it was.
"It's nothing," I answered, trying to reassure her. "Just his Force-sense. Obi-Wan's signature was powerful, and even though Luke's senses aren't that attuned, it upset him greatly. You try and comfort him while I go see what's wrong."
"Do you feel anything else?"
"No. He's blocking me."
"Ani . . . maybe you should just let him be for now."
"You know what it is."
"I may."
"You're not going to tell me."
"It's not my place."
I began to climb out of bed, bring the top cover with me to wrap around my waist. "I'm going to go see Obi-Wan. He's leaving for Dagobah sometime soon anyway, and I want to say good bye."
I tried to ignore the foreboding I felt coming from my wife, and I dressed in the robes I had worn the day before, big baggy robes that Owen had lent me. The man was burly and large while I was skinny and leanly muscled, so I looked like a clown in the clothes.
Once I was fully dressed, and Luke was snoring softly beside his mother, I gave her a small, quick smile, and left the room. I headed straight for the dock; Obi-Wan may have been shutting me out, but I could still sense him, could tell his location.
Obi-Wan was standing by a small one-man ship, looking out at the cloudy blue skies of Alderaan. Now that I was close enough, his barriers weren't as tight, I could peer through cracks. What I felt almost scared me. There was a deep pit of sadness, all directed towards Sabé. Even more so, there was anger.
Obi-Wan knew I was there, how could he not? He ignored me though, and continued to stare out at the sky, purposefully keeping quiet. His jaw clenched and unclenched, and he was undecided, unsure about what to do with my presence there.
"What happened?" I asked quietly, tentatively.
Obi-Wan whirled around. His eyes were holding an emotion I couldn't explain, nothing I had ever seen in my master's eyes before. "Leave me alone," he hissed, eyes narrowing threatingly.
I backed up a few feet, holding my hands up in a sign of innocence. "I just came to see you off . . ."
"Go!" Obi-Wan said more forcefully. He took an intimidating step forward, and I left without a thought. Perhaps I rivaled Obi-Wan in strength, but I had more respect for him than to try and prove it. Whatever was hurting Obi- Wan I could find out from Padmé.
I was walking so fast, and I was so distracted in my thoughts, that I didn't even notice an approaching figure. I ran right into something, and suddenly I was pushed up against a wall, blaster on my forehead.
I returned from my thoughts in confusion only to realize that there was a guard holding me to the wall, and that Bail Organa was standing behind him, quiet rage showing in his eyes.
"Sorry," I said quickly. The blaster was pressed further into my skin, and I was jerked hard. "I didn't see you."
"I noticed," Bail said dryly. He leaned forward. "Now that we're alone, Skywalker, I'd like to get a few things straight with you."
"Yes?" I asked, dread overcoming me. What kinds of thing was Bail going to say? I didn't know if I could hold up against his degrading words without Padmé beside me, defending me loyally.
Bail pushed the guard to the side but grabbed the blaster. He pressed it to my heart, and a sickening smile came to his face. He pushed hard into my skin, and I tensed up, but I didn't flinch. I kept my eyes trained on him, showing him that I would not back down. "I don't think Padmé will be too happy with you if you kill me," I said pointedly.
Bail raised his eyebrows. "I don't plan on killing you," he said. "I just want to give you a warning. I want to inform you of a few things."
"I'm listening."
Bail used his elbow to hit me in the stomach, and this time I did flinch, moving to protect my stomach involuntarily. In response, Bail pulled the blaster away, then swung it hard against my cheek. I could feel the Dark Force, tingling at my fingertips, willing me to let this man have it, to pay him back for the brief moments of pain he was causing me. Vader was back, taunting me, telling me I was a coward, that I shouldn't accept such treatment.
"Get it over with," I spat out between gritted teeth.
Bail must have seen it in my eyes, because he pulled away in a moment of fear. He put the guard between us, wanting the protection. His demanor was cold and collected, the perfect politician. He held his hands behind his back and met my eyes, not wavering though I assume mine were filled with hatred and Darkness.
"I want you to know that I care about Padmé as if she were my own blood," Bail began. "If I find out that you hurt her again . . . not even the Blackest of your powers can stop me from killing you, I assure you."
I nodded. "Point taken."
"Leia is mine."
"Leia is Padmé's," I corrected. I snorted. "If you think you can protect her from her own parents, you're unbelievably wrong. She's Force-sensitive -- you can't hide anything from her as she grows into her gift."
"Leia is the one thing that Sabé has left," Bail said, his voice quiet. I was surprised to hear compassion and . . . sadness. I straightened, trying to get a better look at the king behind the guard blocking me. "Sabé has had a lifetime of unhappiness, and I don't want you to take away her daughter."
I didn't know what to say to that. I wanted to blurt out that Leia was ours, to give him some cold comeback. But he had brought Sabé into the picture. Sabé had been my friend, I cared about her even though I hadn't seen her for years. It seemed so long ago when she used to stop by on weekends at Padmé's and my house on Coruscant. The person I had seen the day before was a shell of the vibrant woman I once knew. I didn't want to take away her last link, her last love.
"Are you done?" I asked finally, the silence getting to me.
Bail met my eyes again. His politian exterior was back in place. "I'm going to be watching you. One bad move and I can have you executed, regardless of Padmé's opinion on the matter."
That I didn't doubt. He left with his guard, and I watched his retreating back, contemplating this man. I had known him briefly before, but I never imagined that the person revealed to me in the past days was present. He was a shocking, complicated man, and I didn't think even I could figure him out. He seemed so heartless, so cruel, and Padmé had made a comment about his unfeeling nature towards Sabé. But for a second there, he was a caring man, longing for Sabé and her happiness.
I shook my head, trying to clear the king from my thoughts. I needed to ask Padmé why Obi-Wan had ordered me to leave his presence; why he was angrier than I'd ever imagined possible; and why that anger seemed to be directed at me. It seemed as if everybody knew what it was, and I felt a right to know. I was, after all, Obi-Wan's former Padawan; we had a relationship like father and son. That he didn't tell me what it was, that whatever it was had to do with me, greatly unnerved me. Try as I might, I couldn't figure it out, and I began to feel more frustrated, more careless, focusing only on finding out what the big secret was.
It didn't take long to get back to her bedroom, and when I opened the door I found her fully dressed in a gown similar to ones Leia and Sabé had been wearing. She sat on the edge of the bed, stroking Luke's cheek as he slept. She turned around when she felt my presence, and she looked like she wasn't at all surprised with the look in my eyes.
"Tell me," I commanded softly, coming closer to her. She stood up to face me, and I let my eyes sweep over her attire carefully. I didn't like the thick robes, they hid her beautiful figure.
"It's not place," she said softly, her voice sounding regretful as I met her eyes. She really couldn't tell me, she believed in values more than that.
I did it without even thinking. I let my hand move in a common gesture. "Tell me what is going on with Obi-Wan, Padmé."
Her eyes glazed immediately, and I was surprised. I didn't think I'd ever convince her with a mind trick -- she was too strong for that. But she was weak and tired, and it only took one try to get her to talk. "Sabé told Obi- Wan a secret only I had known before now."
"What secret?" I asked, my hand moving with my voice. I felt guilt at manipulating my lover's mind like that, but I pushed the guilt aside. This was more important.
"Sabé was pregnant with Obi-Wan's child, but she miscarriaged when you came looking for me on Coruscant and hit her, knocking her down. The shock killed the child, still young in her womb."
I dropped my hand to my side, shocked at this information. I remember that night. I visited Sabé's quarters, sure that that's where Padmé was, where she had ran after she received the holo of my deception. When Sabé stood firm, not wanting me to invade her privacy, I knocked her down with the Force, throwing her against the wall. I hadn't felt guilt then, and I hadn't thought about it since I returned to the Light, but now I felt as if several blows had been thrown to my stomach.
Padmé's eyes were clear again, and she was looking at me with something I didn't want to venture too deep into. "You just . . ." Padmé trailed off, her eyes accusing. "You just used one of your mind tricks on me, didn't you?"
I didn't want to deal with this. I turned my back to her, leaving the room and her shocked face. I had once again proven that all expectations set for me were too high. I would never be what Padmé insisted I was, a kind, gentle child who was manipulated, turned by force to the Darkside. I was who I was, and that was Vader. I couldn't deny that pesky voice, whispering in my mind things that I didn't want to repeat, things that tempted my anger, tempted my urge to just lose it again, to let myself become one with the power the Darkside offered.
This shocked me out of my thoughts. I remembered Padmé and the night before, the power that her love could give me. My Dark thoughts began to fade slowly, and I firmly replayed the emotions that went through me, the love that swelled my heart. I had finally found something to use against the Dark, a weapon that was so far effective. I didn't know if I could use it for long though. Manipulating Padmé with the Force was something I'd never thought possible, something I thought that I was too good to do. I didn't know what her reaction would be once she got over the initial shock.
I let my feet carry me wherever they wished. I just wanted to put as much distance between what I'd done to Padmé, I needed to forget about it and think about other more important things. Such as what I'd done to Obi-Wan, the man I thought of as my father. I shook my head, and I stopped where I was to punch the wall angrily. My hand went right through, but I didn't care. I was giving myself over to the Darkside, but I didn't care.
I had done so many terrible things as Vader, but this had to outweigh most of them, excluding the pain I put Padmé through. Granted, I'd had no idea that she was pregnant. But then, if I had known would that have stopped me? I was truthful with myself and admitted that no, it wouldn't have.
And now Obi-Wan was angry at me. I'd caused him so much pain in his lifetime, and that's when the guilt kicked in again. Guilt has got to be the worst of any emotion felt. It eats at your gut, turning your thoughts into self-destruction. Vader began to taunt me again. I would never, ever be good because that wasn't in me. Now I had Obi-Wan, one of the only two people who cared about me, who believed in me, angry at me. Obi-Wan, who never felt anger. He was one of the best Jedis I'd met, and one simple act by me could cause him to become a pool of anger. I just hoped he didn't give into that anger.
I nearly groaned when I realized I should have been paying attention to where I was walking. Standing in front of me was a door I didn't recognize, but I could sense who was inside. Sabé. I thought of Padmé again, wanting to push the Dark side away before I confronted my old friend. It didn't work this time. Instead the guilt increased as I thought about how I had violated Padmé's mind to obtain information. I tried very hard not to think about Padmé after that.
I ventured into Sabé's mind, searching for the security code. Once I had it, I punched it in and stepped inside the room. Sabé looked up in shock from where she had thrown herself on the bed. I noticed her tear-stained cheeks but attempted to ignore them.
"You should have security guards," I said. What stupid words to say.
Sabé sat up and attempted to smooth down her hair and began to wipe furiously at her cheeks. "I did. I told them to leave me alone."
"A lot of people are saying that lately," I grated, thinking of Obi-Wan. I closed my eyes against the pain that came with the image of Obi-Wan standing by that ship. "Sabé . . ."
"What are you doing here, Anakin?" Sabé demanded. She seemed more in control of her emotions and I felt grateful. I didn't know what I'd do if she started crying again.
"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "I-I . . . Padmé told me about . . . I mean . . ."
"Padmé told you?" Sabé looked horrified.
"No, no!" I cried, remembering that Padmé had told me that it was not her place. "I mean, yes, she did tell me, but I forced her to."
"Oh." Sabé looked even more horrified. Her hand began to reach for the comm next to her bed. "You forced her to tell you? How?"
"That's not important. I just . . . I came here to apologize, but that seems stupid and empty now. I don't know what to do or say."
Sabé shook her head. "There *isn't* anything you can do or say." She sighed and let her hand fall to her lap again. "I suppose I am grateful, Anakin. Who knows what they would have done if I had born a child that would obviously not have been Bail's."
"That's not the way to think," I said quietly. I began to back away. "I know you said you could never forgive me, and I . . . I understand that now. I better go now. If you--if you see Padmé . . . tell her that I didn't mean to do that, that . . . just tell her, all right?"
"Where are you going?" Sabé demanded.
"Nowhere. I just don't think that Padmé is going to welcome me with open arms right now," I said, shrugging.
"She will," Sabé said reassuringly. I looked at her funny. She shouldn't be reassuring me, she should be angry at me. "She can feel betrayed, she can be angry as hell, but she loves you too much. She longed for you every day you were gone as Lord Vader, this small thing will not set her back any. Go talk to her."
I backed out of the room, not wanting to be in her presence anymore. I wanted Sabé to hate me for what I did, but she didn't. I took her advice, and I returned to our room. I stood there for a long time, just listening in on her thoughts. They spoke of betrayal, of uncertainty. In that quiet moment I let Vader begin to speak. I listened to his words shortly, but I quickly stopped them short. They wouldn't stop, though, they wouldn't sway.
I closed my eyes, submitting myself to his words. He was taunting me, trying to anger me. He knew that every time I let myself be subject to anger it made him stronger. I knew too, but it was all I could do to try and contain myself. I wanted so badly to give myself over to Vader. It would be easier that way, to just fade into oblivion while he continued to murder, continued to thrive.
There was no way I could ever find redemption for my sins, so what was the point, really, when you think about? Why bother trying when it's worthless?
I opened the door to see Padmé watching it, waiting for me, ringing her hands. I took one look at her, and I remembered the power that I had felt from the night before, I remembered that she had gotten rid of Vader when I wasn't strong enough to do it on my own.
With this in mind, I closed the space between us and crushed her lips to mine in a bruising kiss. I needed that power again, no matter what I had to do to attain it.
* * * * *
AN: I hope the chapter was satisfying. Sorry, once again, that it took so long. I had a really busy week. Hope you don't mind if I add a personal note.
Christina Gibson: Thank you for the personal email, I'm honored that you think my fics are great, and that they get your emotions rolling. I would have written this in an email, but for some reason every time I clicked on 'send' my computer would freeze or Hotmail would close. Various things.
Remember to review. If you're confused about the ending, I'm going to explain a lot more in the next chapter.
~Haley
The power from Padmé was different. For the first time in weeks, I felt as if Vader had fully vanished from my mind, as if I were free again. I hadn't felt that way for four, maybe five years. He'd always been there, always had been a part of me. Now his voice quieted, and I found the silence delicious and more satisfying than any power I'd felt from Darkness. The feeling that Padmé gave me was like . . . courage. I felt that I could do anything I wanted to, *without* the help of Vader, of the blackness so consuming. I don't think I've ever felt like that before.
The warm body pressed against my own began to stir, and I cursed the daylight for intruding on the night Padmé and I had shared. She made a soft noise, like a sigh, and I couldn't help the brilliant smile that lit up my face. When I looked down at her head, her warm brown eyes met my own, and a sleepy smile was returned to my own. She gave me a kiss on the cheek, then murmered something that sounded like 'good morning'.
"What time is it?" Padmé asked, sitting up and effectively removing my body from her own. I felt loss, and my skin cried out to touch hers again, but I didn't give in.
"The sun only rose about an hour ago," I answered, nodding towards the window in our room as I sat up next to her. "I don't know standard Alderaan time."
Padmé nodded, acknowledging my answer. There was an awkwardness between us that was frustrating and wonderful at the same time. It was almost as if last night had been our first time, like we were new lovers again. I let my gaze run over her, taking in everything about her, engraving this picture in my mind for all of eternity. She met my brown eyes nervously, flushed, then looked away. I tried not to chuckle at her discomfort.
"Did you sleep well?" Padmé asked, sounding distracted as she stared at the wall.
"Mmm-hmm. And you?" I asked.
Padmé dared to look at my eyes. She was shy and innocent, an endearing sight. "I slept peacefully," she said softly. She was feeling something along the lines of what I was, a wonder and calm, a sudden completion, I could see it in her eyes. It was almost as if I had gone for so long as a half-empty shell, not even realizing it. But now that I was with Padmé again, the shell was filled with a bright light, and I felt happy and . . . complete.
I cocked my head, feeling a tremor in the Force that distracted me momentarily from Padmé. It came from Obi-Wan, a shock of sudden sadness that was so powerful I felt as if it was I who was feeling it. Loss cut through him, tearing at my own heart, and then anger began to flow, gently at first, but gather more power with each passing second. He suppressed it, and he blocked his mind from the Force, disconnecting me from everything he was feeling.
"What's wrong?" Padmé demanded, holding onto my arm. Whatever it was that came from Obi-Wan must have showed up on my face, and I sent my wife a reassuring smile.
"Something's wrong with Obi-Wan," I answered softly. I closed my eyes and reached out with the Force, hoping that somehow I could re-establish that connection. It was in vain; Obi-Wan didn't want me to share in his thoughts, and I had a feeling that his walls were up tightly, shielding me in particular from whatever it was that troubled him.
Padmé looked away, and I had a sneaking suspicion that she knew something. Before I could question her, though, the door opened with a swoosh sound. Standing there with his hands on his hips was Luke.
"I feel bad," he said, coming forward. He began to climb onto the bed, and I felt a sense of intrusion invade me. I resisted the urge to push him off the bed and tell him to go away. "I feel sad."
"What's wrong?" Padmé asked. Luke climbed into the space between Padmé and I, and she began to stroke his hair as he laid down on the pillows.
"I don't know!" Luke said, frustrated. "I just woke up because I feel sad. I started to cry. Then I felt . . . I felt really, really bad."
I wanted to get out of bed so that I could go to Obi-Wan, to see and comfort my old master, but I didn't want to scar Luke for life by seeing his father jump naked out of bed. Instead I settled for giving Padmé a meaningful look that she chose to ignore for the time being. She was too worried about her child.
"What is it?" she asked me. She could tell by my panicked look that I knew what it was.
"It's nothing," I answered, trying to reassure her. "Just his Force-sense. Obi-Wan's signature was powerful, and even though Luke's senses aren't that attuned, it upset him greatly. You try and comfort him while I go see what's wrong."
"Do you feel anything else?"
"No. He's blocking me."
"Ani . . . maybe you should just let him be for now."
"You know what it is."
"I may."
"You're not going to tell me."
"It's not my place."
I began to climb out of bed, bring the top cover with me to wrap around my waist. "I'm going to go see Obi-Wan. He's leaving for Dagobah sometime soon anyway, and I want to say good bye."
I tried to ignore the foreboding I felt coming from my wife, and I dressed in the robes I had worn the day before, big baggy robes that Owen had lent me. The man was burly and large while I was skinny and leanly muscled, so I looked like a clown in the clothes.
Once I was fully dressed, and Luke was snoring softly beside his mother, I gave her a small, quick smile, and left the room. I headed straight for the dock; Obi-Wan may have been shutting me out, but I could still sense him, could tell his location.
Obi-Wan was standing by a small one-man ship, looking out at the cloudy blue skies of Alderaan. Now that I was close enough, his barriers weren't as tight, I could peer through cracks. What I felt almost scared me. There was a deep pit of sadness, all directed towards Sabé. Even more so, there was anger.
Obi-Wan knew I was there, how could he not? He ignored me though, and continued to stare out at the sky, purposefully keeping quiet. His jaw clenched and unclenched, and he was undecided, unsure about what to do with my presence there.
"What happened?" I asked quietly, tentatively.
Obi-Wan whirled around. His eyes were holding an emotion I couldn't explain, nothing I had ever seen in my master's eyes before. "Leave me alone," he hissed, eyes narrowing threatingly.
I backed up a few feet, holding my hands up in a sign of innocence. "I just came to see you off . . ."
"Go!" Obi-Wan said more forcefully. He took an intimidating step forward, and I left without a thought. Perhaps I rivaled Obi-Wan in strength, but I had more respect for him than to try and prove it. Whatever was hurting Obi- Wan I could find out from Padmé.
I was walking so fast, and I was so distracted in my thoughts, that I didn't even notice an approaching figure. I ran right into something, and suddenly I was pushed up against a wall, blaster on my forehead.
I returned from my thoughts in confusion only to realize that there was a guard holding me to the wall, and that Bail Organa was standing behind him, quiet rage showing in his eyes.
"Sorry," I said quickly. The blaster was pressed further into my skin, and I was jerked hard. "I didn't see you."
"I noticed," Bail said dryly. He leaned forward. "Now that we're alone, Skywalker, I'd like to get a few things straight with you."
"Yes?" I asked, dread overcoming me. What kinds of thing was Bail going to say? I didn't know if I could hold up against his degrading words without Padmé beside me, defending me loyally.
Bail pushed the guard to the side but grabbed the blaster. He pressed it to my heart, and a sickening smile came to his face. He pushed hard into my skin, and I tensed up, but I didn't flinch. I kept my eyes trained on him, showing him that I would not back down. "I don't think Padmé will be too happy with you if you kill me," I said pointedly.
Bail raised his eyebrows. "I don't plan on killing you," he said. "I just want to give you a warning. I want to inform you of a few things."
"I'm listening."
Bail used his elbow to hit me in the stomach, and this time I did flinch, moving to protect my stomach involuntarily. In response, Bail pulled the blaster away, then swung it hard against my cheek. I could feel the Dark Force, tingling at my fingertips, willing me to let this man have it, to pay him back for the brief moments of pain he was causing me. Vader was back, taunting me, telling me I was a coward, that I shouldn't accept such treatment.
"Get it over with," I spat out between gritted teeth.
Bail must have seen it in my eyes, because he pulled away in a moment of fear. He put the guard between us, wanting the protection. His demanor was cold and collected, the perfect politician. He held his hands behind his back and met my eyes, not wavering though I assume mine were filled with hatred and Darkness.
"I want you to know that I care about Padmé as if she were my own blood," Bail began. "If I find out that you hurt her again . . . not even the Blackest of your powers can stop me from killing you, I assure you."
I nodded. "Point taken."
"Leia is mine."
"Leia is Padmé's," I corrected. I snorted. "If you think you can protect her from her own parents, you're unbelievably wrong. She's Force-sensitive -- you can't hide anything from her as she grows into her gift."
"Leia is the one thing that Sabé has left," Bail said, his voice quiet. I was surprised to hear compassion and . . . sadness. I straightened, trying to get a better look at the king behind the guard blocking me. "Sabé has had a lifetime of unhappiness, and I don't want you to take away her daughter."
I didn't know what to say to that. I wanted to blurt out that Leia was ours, to give him some cold comeback. But he had brought Sabé into the picture. Sabé had been my friend, I cared about her even though I hadn't seen her for years. It seemed so long ago when she used to stop by on weekends at Padmé's and my house on Coruscant. The person I had seen the day before was a shell of the vibrant woman I once knew. I didn't want to take away her last link, her last love.
"Are you done?" I asked finally, the silence getting to me.
Bail met my eyes again. His politian exterior was back in place. "I'm going to be watching you. One bad move and I can have you executed, regardless of Padmé's opinion on the matter."
That I didn't doubt. He left with his guard, and I watched his retreating back, contemplating this man. I had known him briefly before, but I never imagined that the person revealed to me in the past days was present. He was a shocking, complicated man, and I didn't think even I could figure him out. He seemed so heartless, so cruel, and Padmé had made a comment about his unfeeling nature towards Sabé. But for a second there, he was a caring man, longing for Sabé and her happiness.
I shook my head, trying to clear the king from my thoughts. I needed to ask Padmé why Obi-Wan had ordered me to leave his presence; why he was angrier than I'd ever imagined possible; and why that anger seemed to be directed at me. It seemed as if everybody knew what it was, and I felt a right to know. I was, after all, Obi-Wan's former Padawan; we had a relationship like father and son. That he didn't tell me what it was, that whatever it was had to do with me, greatly unnerved me. Try as I might, I couldn't figure it out, and I began to feel more frustrated, more careless, focusing only on finding out what the big secret was.
It didn't take long to get back to her bedroom, and when I opened the door I found her fully dressed in a gown similar to ones Leia and Sabé had been wearing. She sat on the edge of the bed, stroking Luke's cheek as he slept. She turned around when she felt my presence, and she looked like she wasn't at all surprised with the look in my eyes.
"Tell me," I commanded softly, coming closer to her. She stood up to face me, and I let my eyes sweep over her attire carefully. I didn't like the thick robes, they hid her beautiful figure.
"It's not place," she said softly, her voice sounding regretful as I met her eyes. She really couldn't tell me, she believed in values more than that.
I did it without even thinking. I let my hand move in a common gesture. "Tell me what is going on with Obi-Wan, Padmé."
Her eyes glazed immediately, and I was surprised. I didn't think I'd ever convince her with a mind trick -- she was too strong for that. But she was weak and tired, and it only took one try to get her to talk. "Sabé told Obi- Wan a secret only I had known before now."
"What secret?" I asked, my hand moving with my voice. I felt guilt at manipulating my lover's mind like that, but I pushed the guilt aside. This was more important.
"Sabé was pregnant with Obi-Wan's child, but she miscarriaged when you came looking for me on Coruscant and hit her, knocking her down. The shock killed the child, still young in her womb."
I dropped my hand to my side, shocked at this information. I remember that night. I visited Sabé's quarters, sure that that's where Padmé was, where she had ran after she received the holo of my deception. When Sabé stood firm, not wanting me to invade her privacy, I knocked her down with the Force, throwing her against the wall. I hadn't felt guilt then, and I hadn't thought about it since I returned to the Light, but now I felt as if several blows had been thrown to my stomach.
Padmé's eyes were clear again, and she was looking at me with something I didn't want to venture too deep into. "You just . . ." Padmé trailed off, her eyes accusing. "You just used one of your mind tricks on me, didn't you?"
I didn't want to deal with this. I turned my back to her, leaving the room and her shocked face. I had once again proven that all expectations set for me were too high. I would never be what Padmé insisted I was, a kind, gentle child who was manipulated, turned by force to the Darkside. I was who I was, and that was Vader. I couldn't deny that pesky voice, whispering in my mind things that I didn't want to repeat, things that tempted my anger, tempted my urge to just lose it again, to let myself become one with the power the Darkside offered.
This shocked me out of my thoughts. I remembered Padmé and the night before, the power that her love could give me. My Dark thoughts began to fade slowly, and I firmly replayed the emotions that went through me, the love that swelled my heart. I had finally found something to use against the Dark, a weapon that was so far effective. I didn't know if I could use it for long though. Manipulating Padmé with the Force was something I'd never thought possible, something I thought that I was too good to do. I didn't know what her reaction would be once she got over the initial shock.
I let my feet carry me wherever they wished. I just wanted to put as much distance between what I'd done to Padmé, I needed to forget about it and think about other more important things. Such as what I'd done to Obi-Wan, the man I thought of as my father. I shook my head, and I stopped where I was to punch the wall angrily. My hand went right through, but I didn't care. I was giving myself over to the Darkside, but I didn't care.
I had done so many terrible things as Vader, but this had to outweigh most of them, excluding the pain I put Padmé through. Granted, I'd had no idea that she was pregnant. But then, if I had known would that have stopped me? I was truthful with myself and admitted that no, it wouldn't have.
And now Obi-Wan was angry at me. I'd caused him so much pain in his lifetime, and that's when the guilt kicked in again. Guilt has got to be the worst of any emotion felt. It eats at your gut, turning your thoughts into self-destruction. Vader began to taunt me again. I would never, ever be good because that wasn't in me. Now I had Obi-Wan, one of the only two people who cared about me, who believed in me, angry at me. Obi-Wan, who never felt anger. He was one of the best Jedis I'd met, and one simple act by me could cause him to become a pool of anger. I just hoped he didn't give into that anger.
I nearly groaned when I realized I should have been paying attention to where I was walking. Standing in front of me was a door I didn't recognize, but I could sense who was inside. Sabé. I thought of Padmé again, wanting to push the Dark side away before I confronted my old friend. It didn't work this time. Instead the guilt increased as I thought about how I had violated Padmé's mind to obtain information. I tried very hard not to think about Padmé after that.
I ventured into Sabé's mind, searching for the security code. Once I had it, I punched it in and stepped inside the room. Sabé looked up in shock from where she had thrown herself on the bed. I noticed her tear-stained cheeks but attempted to ignore them.
"You should have security guards," I said. What stupid words to say.
Sabé sat up and attempted to smooth down her hair and began to wipe furiously at her cheeks. "I did. I told them to leave me alone."
"A lot of people are saying that lately," I grated, thinking of Obi-Wan. I closed my eyes against the pain that came with the image of Obi-Wan standing by that ship. "Sabé . . ."
"What are you doing here, Anakin?" Sabé demanded. She seemed more in control of her emotions and I felt grateful. I didn't know what I'd do if she started crying again.
"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "I-I . . . Padmé told me about . . . I mean . . ."
"Padmé told you?" Sabé looked horrified.
"No, no!" I cried, remembering that Padmé had told me that it was not her place. "I mean, yes, she did tell me, but I forced her to."
"Oh." Sabé looked even more horrified. Her hand began to reach for the comm next to her bed. "You forced her to tell you? How?"
"That's not important. I just . . . I came here to apologize, but that seems stupid and empty now. I don't know what to do or say."
Sabé shook her head. "There *isn't* anything you can do or say." She sighed and let her hand fall to her lap again. "I suppose I am grateful, Anakin. Who knows what they would have done if I had born a child that would obviously not have been Bail's."
"That's not the way to think," I said quietly. I began to back away. "I know you said you could never forgive me, and I . . . I understand that now. I better go now. If you--if you see Padmé . . . tell her that I didn't mean to do that, that . . . just tell her, all right?"
"Where are you going?" Sabé demanded.
"Nowhere. I just don't think that Padmé is going to welcome me with open arms right now," I said, shrugging.
"She will," Sabé said reassuringly. I looked at her funny. She shouldn't be reassuring me, she should be angry at me. "She can feel betrayed, she can be angry as hell, but she loves you too much. She longed for you every day you were gone as Lord Vader, this small thing will not set her back any. Go talk to her."
I backed out of the room, not wanting to be in her presence anymore. I wanted Sabé to hate me for what I did, but she didn't. I took her advice, and I returned to our room. I stood there for a long time, just listening in on her thoughts. They spoke of betrayal, of uncertainty. In that quiet moment I let Vader begin to speak. I listened to his words shortly, but I quickly stopped them short. They wouldn't stop, though, they wouldn't sway.
I closed my eyes, submitting myself to his words. He was taunting me, trying to anger me. He knew that every time I let myself be subject to anger it made him stronger. I knew too, but it was all I could do to try and contain myself. I wanted so badly to give myself over to Vader. It would be easier that way, to just fade into oblivion while he continued to murder, continued to thrive.
There was no way I could ever find redemption for my sins, so what was the point, really, when you think about? Why bother trying when it's worthless?
I opened the door to see Padmé watching it, waiting for me, ringing her hands. I took one look at her, and I remembered the power that I had felt from the night before, I remembered that she had gotten rid of Vader when I wasn't strong enough to do it on my own.
With this in mind, I closed the space between us and crushed her lips to mine in a bruising kiss. I needed that power again, no matter what I had to do to attain it.
* * * * *
AN: I hope the chapter was satisfying. Sorry, once again, that it took so long. I had a really busy week. Hope you don't mind if I add a personal note.
Christina Gibson: Thank you for the personal email, I'm honored that you think my fics are great, and that they get your emotions rolling. I would have written this in an email, but for some reason every time I clicked on 'send' my computer would freeze or Hotmail would close. Various things.
Remember to review. If you're confused about the ending, I'm going to explain a lot more in the next chapter.
~Haley