Sitting alone with my thoughts is possibly the supidest thing I can do.
It's only during the quiet that I listen to the Dark side, listen to the
whispers of evil that sound so tempting. But I had to get away from Padmé.
I left her a few minutes after I had taken her. Or used her, whichever you
prefer. I closed my eyes tightly against the painful memories. For the time
being it had pushed Vader and his Darkness out of my mind, but was it
really worth it? I knew Padmé would have her fair share of bruises the next
time I saw her, and I wondered if she'd even forgive me for what I'd done.
Could I even forgive myself? Already I was itching to have her again, wanting her to make the demons go away. But wasn't I supposed to fight my own battles? Rid of them by myself? I balled up my fist in anger against it all, against everything that had happened to me. If I could do it over again, I would change so many different things. Maybe if I had stayed on Tatooine instead of becoming a Jedi. Force knows that didn't do anything for me.
I knew that the anger would simply turn against me, so I attempted to blank my mind. I was standing by a fountain in the middle of the palace gardens. I let the beauty of the flowers and trees wash over me, let the trinkling of water lull me into meditation. Meditation led me to where I didn't want to go. An image of Padmé entered my mind, horror and disbelief on her face.
I snapped open my eyes. It surprised me to see that there was a little girl, Leia, standing at the edge of a trail, staring at me intently. I lost my balance and fell in the water. Like I said, becoming a dignified Jedi didn't do much for me.
Leia began to giggle, and she stepped closer, nervously. Her eyes were narrowed, and she was studying me intently.
"Should you be alone?" I asked, crawling out of the fountain. My clothes were dripping, and I was slightly uncomfortable, but Leia's smile seemed to wipe this from my mind. Unable to help myself, I grinned back at her. Leia had one of those smiles that could make the whole world seem brighter.
Leia shook her head and jerked her thumb behind her. "I ran from Irshaad. He's my bodyguard, Mommy says." She wrinkled her nose. "He smells funny."
I laughed and sat down on the edge of the fountain, motioning for her to join me. She hesitated only a moment before sitting down near me but far enough away so that she could still watch my every move. Smart girl.
"He doesn't let me do anything fun," Leia added. She frowned. "Nobody does."
"Why not?" I asked. I was a little surprised that I really did want to know the answer. Something about Leia's presence was soothing, and the little girl intrigued me.
"I'm going to be the queen of Alderaan," Leia answered. She sighed softly, and as I looked into her eyes I realized that though she was four, she had quite a few years tacked on. Her eyes were depressed and longing. I brushed her mind, wanting to find out what she longed for. Leia jerked in surprise. She narrowed her eyes. "Why did you do that?"
"I'm sorry," I said peacefully, holding up my hands. "I just wanted to find something out."
"You could just ask me."
"That I could." I met her eyes, and she began to study me once more, this time focusing on what she saw in my eyes. I let myself open up to her, and I didn't hide behind shields.
"Do I know you somehow?" she finally settled for asking, looking confused.
"I met you before you were born," I said after a moment's thought. "I remember when you were in your mother's belly."
"You do?" Leia asked, looking interested. "You knew my mother?"
I remembered suddenly that this child thought Sabé was her mother. I nodded. "Sabé was Padmé's best friend, and Padmé and I were married. I knew Sabé quite well."
"You're married to my Aunt Padmé?" Leia looked surprised. "She told me that her husband died."
I bit my lip, contemplating how I should answer. I wanted to give her an honest answer, but I didn't want her to hate me either. Or worse, be scared of me. "In a way I did die. Leia, do you know about the Force?"
Leia shook her head. Her eyes were wide, as if she knew I was about to tell her something important, and she didn't want to miss a thing.
"It's . . . everything. Everything is part of the Force, I should say. But the Force can sometimes go bad and become something black and angry. For awhile I let myself become evil, I let that blackness overcome me." I paused for a second, watching her. She seemed to be understanding what I was saying so far, so I continued. "In a way I *did* die. I became something else, something very, very bad that no one would ever want to become."
"You're not bad anymore though," Leia pointed out softly. She cocked her head in curiosity. "What changed you?"
"Padmé," I answered, a small smile coming to my face. "I was going to kill her."
Leia gasped. I quit talking for a second, wanting to see her reaction to that. "Why would you kill her if you were married to her? Didn't you love her?" she asked.
"Yes, I did. That's what saved me. Love. I was going to kill her, but she saved me by telling me that she still loved me, no matter what I'd become. Watching her, her undying love, I realized that I could never hurt her. Somehow I changed, I became what you see me as now."
Leia nodded fiercely, her head piece's gold strings swinging around her face. "I like who you are now," she stated clearly. She paused for a second, looking deep in thought. "Daddy doesn't like you," she finally stated.
"Your daddy is a very complicated man, Leia," I said in defense. "I think that he hides behind what he is. There's more to him than you think."
Leia nodded, but I could tell she wasn't quite listening; she didn't quite understand. "Did you know my daddy before too?"
"Not very well, but I knew him, yes."
"Was he a good man?"
"He still is, Leia."
Leia looked away, going deep inside her mind for a second as she considered carefully her next words. "He's always so sad."
"A lot has happened to him," I said gently.
"I don't feel a . . ." Leia trailed off, searching for the right words. "With Aunt Padmé and Mommy I feel something. It's in my mind. I can sense them, I can sense what they feel. I can do the same with you too." She thought about it for a second. "And with Irshaad and that little boy Luke and that man that Mommy talked to. He made her cry."
"Obi-Wan?"
"He didn't mean to of course," Leia said quickly. "I was in the room and Mommy told me to leave. She said she had to talk to the nice man alone. When I was alone I felt suddenly very sad and mad. It took me awhile to figure out that it was his feelings I was feeling. Then he seemed to realize that I could sense him. He shut himself off and left. He was very angry."
I nodded, and grief threatened to take over again. "Your mommy told him something that upset them both greatly. They used to know each other very well."
"My mommy loves him," Leia said matter-of-factly. She looked confused once more. "She doesn't love Daddy." Leia looked guilty for a second, then she whispered guiltily, "I don't think I love him either."
She looked surprised that she admitted this, and she stood up abruptly, ending the conversation, acting as though she hadn't just spilled a secret. "I have left Irshaad for too long. Thank you for your time."
"You look like a little Diplomat," I complimented. She was acting like one too. I remembered when Padmé had been like that. Whenever she got too close to feeling something, or admitting something that wasn't respectable, she would close herself off and try to get away or change the subject. I smiled at the memories of her resistance to the love between us.
Leia wrinkled her nose again, and it struck me how adorable she looked when she did this. "I don't like politicians."
I thought of Padmé. "Not all of them are too bad. Your Aunt Padmé was once a very respectable politician."
Leia's nose wrinkled further. "I know. She told me stories. I don't like politics. My daddy says that even if I don't, I will have to be queen someday." She smiled slightly. "That's what he thinks."
laughed as she left down the trail I had first spotted her in. Leia was indeed very amusing. She was too smart for her own good too. She had managed to lighten my mood considerably. I needed to see Padmé, to apologize to her, to explain to her that I lost control, that it wouldn't happen again.
I stood with a sigh, and it suddenly came back to me that I was soaking wet. I found I didn't care too much. Talking to Leia had been worth it. The little girl was very insightful and straightforward. She knew what she was feeling, and she said exactly that. You had to give respect to her, despite the fact that she was still a toddler. I remembered the sense of longing that I had seen, and I wondered once more what it was that she wanted. Surely with being a princess she could have anything she desired.
When I reached the closest entrance to the castle, I took a deep, calming breath. I knew that I had not meant to hurt Padmé. I just had to convince her of this. I wondered if my stupid action could have pushed her away for good, but before that thought could go on for long I quickly demolished it.
I surveyed the palace with my senses, and I found that Padmé was in a room with Sabé and Bail Organa. I groaned inwardly. If word of what I had done got to Bail, I wouldn't blame him if he attempted murder on my behalf.
I gathered my courage and headed for that room. Before I could even knock, Sabé opened it with a bright smile. "I was wondering when you'd join us," she said pleasantly, holding the door open for me to step in. I was a little surprised at this. Sabé must have been Force-sensitive to know I was coming before I knocked on the door. Or maybe I had very loud footsteps.
I felt my stomach flip flop in nervousness, and I pointedly avoided Padmé eyes, shame coming over me. I could feel Bail's anger at my presence, but I went to stand next to him anyway.
"What is this?" I asked curiously, looking at the hologram that was on a table. I looked around and realized that we weren't the only four in the room.
"This is the commander of our rebel troops, Captain Koen," Sabé introduced, gesturing to a stiff, old man standing rigid. "Koen, this is Jedi Master Anakin Skywalker."
I was surprised at the formal title but pleased all the same. I smiled and nodded to the commander. He raised an eyebrow in greeting.
"We're trying to get the Rebels in order," Sabé explained. She pointed to the hologram. "These are the number we have that do a certain job such as a pilot or a blaster specialist. We even have a few martial arts experts. Next to that you'll see a list of names. Those are the best in their category. Captain Koen is kind enough to assist us in planning how to use these men."
"It's my pleasure," Koen said. I was surprised to hear that his voice was gentle. He cleared his throat and gestured to the holo. "We don't have enough ships to send them to all the different planets, if that's what your planning."
"We really hadn't planned too far ahead," I admitted. I studied the names and numbers, feeling something on the edge of my mind, a plan. "I know two more won't make much of a difference, but Obi-Wan and I will help you. We're Jedis, and it should make the task less difficult."
"Anakin is an amazing pilot," Sabé added. "I know you don't have any that compare to his talent. Obi-Wan hates flying, so don't expect much from him."
"Where is this Obi-Wan?" Koen asked.
"He's traveling to Dagobah to get another Jedi that could help us very much. You've heard of the Jedi Master Yoda, I'm sure."
I watched Koen's reaction carefully. His eyes widened, and I sensed a new respect coming from him. "Yes, of course. Who hasn't? I thought that the Jedi were extinct."
"We're a little hard to kill," I answered with a small, proud smile. "Already a new generation is being born. It won't take long for a new Jedi Academy to be built." I changed topics quickly. "I'm sure there are many in your troops with Jedi abilities that they don't know about. I'm not one for volunteering people, but maybe we could talk Yoda into sensing them. We could put them through a little training but not much considering their age. With even the slightest training, though, we've got an upper hand on the Empire."
Koen nodded. "That sounds fair enough. If it's not too tiring, I could have each of them run by Yoda. I'm not sure how this Force works, but I assume he can somehow tell by looking?"
"I can get a head start," I said. "And if Yoda doesn't want to do that you've got me."
Padmé cleared her throat for attention. "If you're not using Anakin as a pilot, perhaps it would be best if you kept him here to train Jedis. He has a higher midichlorian count than Yoda, and I've heard Obi-Wan say he doesn't doubt that Ani is more powerful."
I blushed at her praise. She shouldn't be defending me, or even trying to keep me on this planet. She met my eyes clearly, and I saw that, once more, I was forgiven. I turned my gaze from her back to the holo. I didn't need her forgiveness.
"I don't know anything about it," Koen said, raising his hands slightly. "You can do what you feel best, just let me know when you want me to start sending them in. I'll let the best ones come in first. As soon as they've been tested I want them to go off planet."
"Do you even know what they're going to do or say once they get onto the planet?" I pointed out. I shook my head. "It's best if you keep them together and we attack each planet with an army. It will be easier that way."
Koen looked surprised to be taking advice from someone else, but he nodded in agreement. "You're right. I should have thought about victory instead of speed."
"If I can have a small, private room to myself?" I said, looking up at Bail expectantly. He nodded grimly. "You can start sending troops my way tomorrow. I'll be waiting for them. Sabé, do you know if Obi-Wan has an extra light saber that he left?"
"He doesn't, but I have one in my room you can use," Sabé said with a little hesitation.
My jaw must have dropped a little. " *You* have a light saber? Where did you get it from?"
"Obi-Wan showed me how to built one years ago," Sabé said. She looked a little uncomfortable. I wanted to know more about Sabé and the obvious Force presence I had never known about. I didn't want to ask her any questions though, it would be rude. She was looking nervous, wanting someone to change the subject.
Padmé must have sensed this, and she was the one to do it. "Luke is taking a nap for now, but I'd better get back to him soon. Ani, will you accompany me?"
I looked at her in surprise, but quickly mumbled a yes. She said good bye to each of the occupants of the room and began her way down the hall, me following suit behind her.
"You're not mad at me then?" I asked quietly as we walked.
She looked up at me, her brown eyes in turmoil. "Let's talk when we get to my bedroom," she said quietly.
I realized my mistake quickly. I had assumed too much. Of course she was mad at me. We walked the rest of the way in silence. I could feel myself getting sicker and sicker with each passing moment, wanting to explain to her everything before she rejected me, and told me that she'd had enough. She opened the door to her room and went to the small one adjoined to it that Luke slept in. She came out a second later, satisfied that her little boy was all right.
"Padmé," I began. She tried to say something, but I quickly interrupted her, wanting to get this all out before she decided my fate. "I have spent the last few hours in agony thinking of what I did to you. I want to make up for it, I want you to know that I'll never do that again. I love you too much, and I don't want to lose you because of a stupid mistake I made."
Padmé swallowed noticably and nodded. She bit her lip, and then she dared to meet my eyes. "Why did you . . . you know?" she asked, her voice a hoarse whisper. Her eyes were welling up slightly, and I felt her pain as if it were my own.
I looked away from her then, moved to another part of the room, searching for something to occupy my hands with. Should I tell her about Vader? Would she ever look at me the same? Would she still believe that I was her precious Ani, the one she met on Tatooine? I wanted her to keep that image of me. I didn't want her to know what I really was. A failure, barely keeping Lord Vader at bay. And if he got out again, with my healthy body and fully restored midichlorian count . . . I couldn't do that to *anyone*.
I finally looked back at her. I froze when I met her eyes, and then I whispered, "I don't know." I shrugged and looked away again. It was an easy, simple answer. I knew she wouldn't accept it.
Padmé's anger and concern were radiating off of her, and I had the urge to leave her and the room, to get away from her accusations. "You don't know?" she mocked. She laughed bitterly, a harsh cruel sound that made me wince. "Anakin, do you know what kind of *hell* you have put me through over the years?" Her voice quieted. "I think I deserve an honest answer."
She was right. I met her eyes again; this time I was strong enough to keep our gazes locked unwaveringly. "I don't want to hurt you anymore," I finally said, hesitating. If I told her about Vader she would know, it would ruin her whole outlook on me.
"I think I'm groing immunity to you hurting me," she said. "I'm more concerned for you than angry, Anakin. I know that you would never . . . but you *did*. Something is obviously wrong. We're married, we're supposed to help each other, support each other. Why won't you let me support you?"
"I'm growing weaker," I finally said with a sigh. "Each and every day I grow weaker, and he grows stronger."
"Who?" Padmé asked, keeping her voice low. She walked closer to me, looking up at me with strong, inquiring eyes.
"Vader," I whispered, varely moving my lips as I spat the name in venom. Anger is of the Darkside. I closed my eyes, willing it to go away while I continued to talk. "I'm feeding him with my anger and my uncertainty. He keeps taunting me, purposefully trying to rouse me, knowing that I'll fall to his traps." I opened my eyes. The anger was gone, and now I felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness. "I can't hold him off for much longer. I don't know what to do."
Padmé's eyes glistened at the empty, meek sound of my voice. She pulled me into a hug, settling down on the edge of the bed and pressing my ear to heart. She stroked my hair and my neck, trying to soothe me. I closed my eyes and let myself be lulled into a trance-like state.
"When I'm around you, he goes away," I murmered.
Padmé stopped her hands for a second, seeming a little surprised. "What?" She resumed her massage, this time working on my shoulders.
I let my head fall on her lap as she worked on my back. "Whenever I'm around you, Vader stops. It's almost as if he's silent. That's . . . that's why I took you earlier today. He was getting louder and louder, his voice echoing in my mind painfully. I couldn't take it, and I broke. I attacked you."
Padmé seemed to shrink a little in relief. "I understand," she said softly. "Does he leave when you're with me like this? Just sitting?"
"He leaves when you love me."
"I always love you."
"He leaves in a moment like this," I corrected myself. "When all that there is is your love, and I let it wash over me and soothe me. Love frightens him, it's the path to the light side."
"Then if I have to love you to death to get rid of him, so be it," Padmé said clearly. I could feel her smile, and she leaned down to kiss the back of my neck. "Ani, if he ever gets to be more than you can handle, find me. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep you at peace."
I sat up and met her eyes. They were warm and sincere. "I love you," I said strongly with hesitation. That was the only thing to say at a time like this.
"I know. I love you too," Padmé answered. She leaned forward and kissed me softly, tenderly on the lips. Even more power entered my system, and I relished in the feeling.
"I don't deserve you," I murmered against her lips before taking another kiss from her lips so sweet. I burned with white heat every place she was touching me, and I could only think about having more of her. I wanted to mold her to my body, to become one with her again. We were nothing when seperated. *I* was nothing when we were seperated.
"Who cares?" Padmé answered. "You're stuck with me."
I grinned and kissed her once more. For now, everything was fine. I had a temporary solution to Vader. Maybe a long term solution, who knows? Now I just had to work on the Obi-Wan problem . . .
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
AN: I hope that Leia doesn't seem artificial. First of all she's Force sensitive, and she's been raised in the palace to become a queen. I think her intellect would be higher than that of a normal four year old.
I also hope that nobody is offended that Ani kinda sorta "raped" Padmé. Put more delicately, "used" and "took" her. It had to be done for the plotline, and I think that with his desperation and frustration with Vader, his desire to rid of the demons makes it believable that he'd attack Padmé.
No, Luke was not in the room. He . . . um . . . went to his own bedroom for a nap beforehand. Yeah, that got him out of the way.
I build a small website that I'm hoping will grow bigger, and I hope you all visit there to check it out. www.geocities.com/haleyobsessions/ I'm putting only my absolute favorite fics on there, and there are some fics and such. If you have anything to add to the site, I'd be humbly grateful and forever in debt to your kindness. ;)
~Haley
Could I even forgive myself? Already I was itching to have her again, wanting her to make the demons go away. But wasn't I supposed to fight my own battles? Rid of them by myself? I balled up my fist in anger against it all, against everything that had happened to me. If I could do it over again, I would change so many different things. Maybe if I had stayed on Tatooine instead of becoming a Jedi. Force knows that didn't do anything for me.
I knew that the anger would simply turn against me, so I attempted to blank my mind. I was standing by a fountain in the middle of the palace gardens. I let the beauty of the flowers and trees wash over me, let the trinkling of water lull me into meditation. Meditation led me to where I didn't want to go. An image of Padmé entered my mind, horror and disbelief on her face.
I snapped open my eyes. It surprised me to see that there was a little girl, Leia, standing at the edge of a trail, staring at me intently. I lost my balance and fell in the water. Like I said, becoming a dignified Jedi didn't do much for me.
Leia began to giggle, and she stepped closer, nervously. Her eyes were narrowed, and she was studying me intently.
"Should you be alone?" I asked, crawling out of the fountain. My clothes were dripping, and I was slightly uncomfortable, but Leia's smile seemed to wipe this from my mind. Unable to help myself, I grinned back at her. Leia had one of those smiles that could make the whole world seem brighter.
Leia shook her head and jerked her thumb behind her. "I ran from Irshaad. He's my bodyguard, Mommy says." She wrinkled her nose. "He smells funny."
I laughed and sat down on the edge of the fountain, motioning for her to join me. She hesitated only a moment before sitting down near me but far enough away so that she could still watch my every move. Smart girl.
"He doesn't let me do anything fun," Leia added. She frowned. "Nobody does."
"Why not?" I asked. I was a little surprised that I really did want to know the answer. Something about Leia's presence was soothing, and the little girl intrigued me.
"I'm going to be the queen of Alderaan," Leia answered. She sighed softly, and as I looked into her eyes I realized that though she was four, she had quite a few years tacked on. Her eyes were depressed and longing. I brushed her mind, wanting to find out what she longed for. Leia jerked in surprise. She narrowed her eyes. "Why did you do that?"
"I'm sorry," I said peacefully, holding up my hands. "I just wanted to find something out."
"You could just ask me."
"That I could." I met her eyes, and she began to study me once more, this time focusing on what she saw in my eyes. I let myself open up to her, and I didn't hide behind shields.
"Do I know you somehow?" she finally settled for asking, looking confused.
"I met you before you were born," I said after a moment's thought. "I remember when you were in your mother's belly."
"You do?" Leia asked, looking interested. "You knew my mother?"
I remembered suddenly that this child thought Sabé was her mother. I nodded. "Sabé was Padmé's best friend, and Padmé and I were married. I knew Sabé quite well."
"You're married to my Aunt Padmé?" Leia looked surprised. "She told me that her husband died."
I bit my lip, contemplating how I should answer. I wanted to give her an honest answer, but I didn't want her to hate me either. Or worse, be scared of me. "In a way I did die. Leia, do you know about the Force?"
Leia shook her head. Her eyes were wide, as if she knew I was about to tell her something important, and she didn't want to miss a thing.
"It's . . . everything. Everything is part of the Force, I should say. But the Force can sometimes go bad and become something black and angry. For awhile I let myself become evil, I let that blackness overcome me." I paused for a second, watching her. She seemed to be understanding what I was saying so far, so I continued. "In a way I *did* die. I became something else, something very, very bad that no one would ever want to become."
"You're not bad anymore though," Leia pointed out softly. She cocked her head in curiosity. "What changed you?"
"Padmé," I answered, a small smile coming to my face. "I was going to kill her."
Leia gasped. I quit talking for a second, wanting to see her reaction to that. "Why would you kill her if you were married to her? Didn't you love her?" she asked.
"Yes, I did. That's what saved me. Love. I was going to kill her, but she saved me by telling me that she still loved me, no matter what I'd become. Watching her, her undying love, I realized that I could never hurt her. Somehow I changed, I became what you see me as now."
Leia nodded fiercely, her head piece's gold strings swinging around her face. "I like who you are now," she stated clearly. She paused for a second, looking deep in thought. "Daddy doesn't like you," she finally stated.
"Your daddy is a very complicated man, Leia," I said in defense. "I think that he hides behind what he is. There's more to him than you think."
Leia nodded, but I could tell she wasn't quite listening; she didn't quite understand. "Did you know my daddy before too?"
"Not very well, but I knew him, yes."
"Was he a good man?"
"He still is, Leia."
Leia looked away, going deep inside her mind for a second as she considered carefully her next words. "He's always so sad."
"A lot has happened to him," I said gently.
"I don't feel a . . ." Leia trailed off, searching for the right words. "With Aunt Padmé and Mommy I feel something. It's in my mind. I can sense them, I can sense what they feel. I can do the same with you too." She thought about it for a second. "And with Irshaad and that little boy Luke and that man that Mommy talked to. He made her cry."
"Obi-Wan?"
"He didn't mean to of course," Leia said quickly. "I was in the room and Mommy told me to leave. She said she had to talk to the nice man alone. When I was alone I felt suddenly very sad and mad. It took me awhile to figure out that it was his feelings I was feeling. Then he seemed to realize that I could sense him. He shut himself off and left. He was very angry."
I nodded, and grief threatened to take over again. "Your mommy told him something that upset them both greatly. They used to know each other very well."
"My mommy loves him," Leia said matter-of-factly. She looked confused once more. "She doesn't love Daddy." Leia looked guilty for a second, then she whispered guiltily, "I don't think I love him either."
She looked surprised that she admitted this, and she stood up abruptly, ending the conversation, acting as though she hadn't just spilled a secret. "I have left Irshaad for too long. Thank you for your time."
"You look like a little Diplomat," I complimented. She was acting like one too. I remembered when Padmé had been like that. Whenever she got too close to feeling something, or admitting something that wasn't respectable, she would close herself off and try to get away or change the subject. I smiled at the memories of her resistance to the love between us.
Leia wrinkled her nose again, and it struck me how adorable she looked when she did this. "I don't like politicians."
I thought of Padmé. "Not all of them are too bad. Your Aunt Padmé was once a very respectable politician."
Leia's nose wrinkled further. "I know. She told me stories. I don't like politics. My daddy says that even if I don't, I will have to be queen someday." She smiled slightly. "That's what he thinks."
laughed as she left down the trail I had first spotted her in. Leia was indeed very amusing. She was too smart for her own good too. She had managed to lighten my mood considerably. I needed to see Padmé, to apologize to her, to explain to her that I lost control, that it wouldn't happen again.
I stood with a sigh, and it suddenly came back to me that I was soaking wet. I found I didn't care too much. Talking to Leia had been worth it. The little girl was very insightful and straightforward. She knew what she was feeling, and she said exactly that. You had to give respect to her, despite the fact that she was still a toddler. I remembered the sense of longing that I had seen, and I wondered once more what it was that she wanted. Surely with being a princess she could have anything she desired.
When I reached the closest entrance to the castle, I took a deep, calming breath. I knew that I had not meant to hurt Padmé. I just had to convince her of this. I wondered if my stupid action could have pushed her away for good, but before that thought could go on for long I quickly demolished it.
I surveyed the palace with my senses, and I found that Padmé was in a room with Sabé and Bail Organa. I groaned inwardly. If word of what I had done got to Bail, I wouldn't blame him if he attempted murder on my behalf.
I gathered my courage and headed for that room. Before I could even knock, Sabé opened it with a bright smile. "I was wondering when you'd join us," she said pleasantly, holding the door open for me to step in. I was a little surprised at this. Sabé must have been Force-sensitive to know I was coming before I knocked on the door. Or maybe I had very loud footsteps.
I felt my stomach flip flop in nervousness, and I pointedly avoided Padmé eyes, shame coming over me. I could feel Bail's anger at my presence, but I went to stand next to him anyway.
"What is this?" I asked curiously, looking at the hologram that was on a table. I looked around and realized that we weren't the only four in the room.
"This is the commander of our rebel troops, Captain Koen," Sabé introduced, gesturing to a stiff, old man standing rigid. "Koen, this is Jedi Master Anakin Skywalker."
I was surprised at the formal title but pleased all the same. I smiled and nodded to the commander. He raised an eyebrow in greeting.
"We're trying to get the Rebels in order," Sabé explained. She pointed to the hologram. "These are the number we have that do a certain job such as a pilot or a blaster specialist. We even have a few martial arts experts. Next to that you'll see a list of names. Those are the best in their category. Captain Koen is kind enough to assist us in planning how to use these men."
"It's my pleasure," Koen said. I was surprised to hear that his voice was gentle. He cleared his throat and gestured to the holo. "We don't have enough ships to send them to all the different planets, if that's what your planning."
"We really hadn't planned too far ahead," I admitted. I studied the names and numbers, feeling something on the edge of my mind, a plan. "I know two more won't make much of a difference, but Obi-Wan and I will help you. We're Jedis, and it should make the task less difficult."
"Anakin is an amazing pilot," Sabé added. "I know you don't have any that compare to his talent. Obi-Wan hates flying, so don't expect much from him."
"Where is this Obi-Wan?" Koen asked.
"He's traveling to Dagobah to get another Jedi that could help us very much. You've heard of the Jedi Master Yoda, I'm sure."
I watched Koen's reaction carefully. His eyes widened, and I sensed a new respect coming from him. "Yes, of course. Who hasn't? I thought that the Jedi were extinct."
"We're a little hard to kill," I answered with a small, proud smile. "Already a new generation is being born. It won't take long for a new Jedi Academy to be built." I changed topics quickly. "I'm sure there are many in your troops with Jedi abilities that they don't know about. I'm not one for volunteering people, but maybe we could talk Yoda into sensing them. We could put them through a little training but not much considering their age. With even the slightest training, though, we've got an upper hand on the Empire."
Koen nodded. "That sounds fair enough. If it's not too tiring, I could have each of them run by Yoda. I'm not sure how this Force works, but I assume he can somehow tell by looking?"
"I can get a head start," I said. "And if Yoda doesn't want to do that you've got me."
Padmé cleared her throat for attention. "If you're not using Anakin as a pilot, perhaps it would be best if you kept him here to train Jedis. He has a higher midichlorian count than Yoda, and I've heard Obi-Wan say he doesn't doubt that Ani is more powerful."
I blushed at her praise. She shouldn't be defending me, or even trying to keep me on this planet. She met my eyes clearly, and I saw that, once more, I was forgiven. I turned my gaze from her back to the holo. I didn't need her forgiveness.
"I don't know anything about it," Koen said, raising his hands slightly. "You can do what you feel best, just let me know when you want me to start sending them in. I'll let the best ones come in first. As soon as they've been tested I want them to go off planet."
"Do you even know what they're going to do or say once they get onto the planet?" I pointed out. I shook my head. "It's best if you keep them together and we attack each planet with an army. It will be easier that way."
Koen looked surprised to be taking advice from someone else, but he nodded in agreement. "You're right. I should have thought about victory instead of speed."
"If I can have a small, private room to myself?" I said, looking up at Bail expectantly. He nodded grimly. "You can start sending troops my way tomorrow. I'll be waiting for them. Sabé, do you know if Obi-Wan has an extra light saber that he left?"
"He doesn't, but I have one in my room you can use," Sabé said with a little hesitation.
My jaw must have dropped a little. " *You* have a light saber? Where did you get it from?"
"Obi-Wan showed me how to built one years ago," Sabé said. She looked a little uncomfortable. I wanted to know more about Sabé and the obvious Force presence I had never known about. I didn't want to ask her any questions though, it would be rude. She was looking nervous, wanting someone to change the subject.
Padmé must have sensed this, and she was the one to do it. "Luke is taking a nap for now, but I'd better get back to him soon. Ani, will you accompany me?"
I looked at her in surprise, but quickly mumbled a yes. She said good bye to each of the occupants of the room and began her way down the hall, me following suit behind her.
"You're not mad at me then?" I asked quietly as we walked.
She looked up at me, her brown eyes in turmoil. "Let's talk when we get to my bedroom," she said quietly.
I realized my mistake quickly. I had assumed too much. Of course she was mad at me. We walked the rest of the way in silence. I could feel myself getting sicker and sicker with each passing moment, wanting to explain to her everything before she rejected me, and told me that she'd had enough. She opened the door to her room and went to the small one adjoined to it that Luke slept in. She came out a second later, satisfied that her little boy was all right.
"Padmé," I began. She tried to say something, but I quickly interrupted her, wanting to get this all out before she decided my fate. "I have spent the last few hours in agony thinking of what I did to you. I want to make up for it, I want you to know that I'll never do that again. I love you too much, and I don't want to lose you because of a stupid mistake I made."
Padmé swallowed noticably and nodded. She bit her lip, and then she dared to meet my eyes. "Why did you . . . you know?" she asked, her voice a hoarse whisper. Her eyes were welling up slightly, and I felt her pain as if it were my own.
I looked away from her then, moved to another part of the room, searching for something to occupy my hands with. Should I tell her about Vader? Would she ever look at me the same? Would she still believe that I was her precious Ani, the one she met on Tatooine? I wanted her to keep that image of me. I didn't want her to know what I really was. A failure, barely keeping Lord Vader at bay. And if he got out again, with my healthy body and fully restored midichlorian count . . . I couldn't do that to *anyone*.
I finally looked back at her. I froze when I met her eyes, and then I whispered, "I don't know." I shrugged and looked away again. It was an easy, simple answer. I knew she wouldn't accept it.
Padmé's anger and concern were radiating off of her, and I had the urge to leave her and the room, to get away from her accusations. "You don't know?" she mocked. She laughed bitterly, a harsh cruel sound that made me wince. "Anakin, do you know what kind of *hell* you have put me through over the years?" Her voice quieted. "I think I deserve an honest answer."
She was right. I met her eyes again; this time I was strong enough to keep our gazes locked unwaveringly. "I don't want to hurt you anymore," I finally said, hesitating. If I told her about Vader she would know, it would ruin her whole outlook on me.
"I think I'm groing immunity to you hurting me," she said. "I'm more concerned for you than angry, Anakin. I know that you would never . . . but you *did*. Something is obviously wrong. We're married, we're supposed to help each other, support each other. Why won't you let me support you?"
"I'm growing weaker," I finally said with a sigh. "Each and every day I grow weaker, and he grows stronger."
"Who?" Padmé asked, keeping her voice low. She walked closer to me, looking up at me with strong, inquiring eyes.
"Vader," I whispered, varely moving my lips as I spat the name in venom. Anger is of the Darkside. I closed my eyes, willing it to go away while I continued to talk. "I'm feeding him with my anger and my uncertainty. He keeps taunting me, purposefully trying to rouse me, knowing that I'll fall to his traps." I opened my eyes. The anger was gone, and now I felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness. "I can't hold him off for much longer. I don't know what to do."
Padmé's eyes glistened at the empty, meek sound of my voice. She pulled me into a hug, settling down on the edge of the bed and pressing my ear to heart. She stroked my hair and my neck, trying to soothe me. I closed my eyes and let myself be lulled into a trance-like state.
"When I'm around you, he goes away," I murmered.
Padmé stopped her hands for a second, seeming a little surprised. "What?" She resumed her massage, this time working on my shoulders.
I let my head fall on her lap as she worked on my back. "Whenever I'm around you, Vader stops. It's almost as if he's silent. That's . . . that's why I took you earlier today. He was getting louder and louder, his voice echoing in my mind painfully. I couldn't take it, and I broke. I attacked you."
Padmé seemed to shrink a little in relief. "I understand," she said softly. "Does he leave when you're with me like this? Just sitting?"
"He leaves when you love me."
"I always love you."
"He leaves in a moment like this," I corrected myself. "When all that there is is your love, and I let it wash over me and soothe me. Love frightens him, it's the path to the light side."
"Then if I have to love you to death to get rid of him, so be it," Padmé said clearly. I could feel her smile, and she leaned down to kiss the back of my neck. "Ani, if he ever gets to be more than you can handle, find me. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep you at peace."
I sat up and met her eyes. They were warm and sincere. "I love you," I said strongly with hesitation. That was the only thing to say at a time like this.
"I know. I love you too," Padmé answered. She leaned forward and kissed me softly, tenderly on the lips. Even more power entered my system, and I relished in the feeling.
"I don't deserve you," I murmered against her lips before taking another kiss from her lips so sweet. I burned with white heat every place she was touching me, and I could only think about having more of her. I wanted to mold her to my body, to become one with her again. We were nothing when seperated. *I* was nothing when we were seperated.
"Who cares?" Padmé answered. "You're stuck with me."
I grinned and kissed her once more. For now, everything was fine. I had a temporary solution to Vader. Maybe a long term solution, who knows? Now I just had to work on the Obi-Wan problem . . .
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
AN: I hope that Leia doesn't seem artificial. First of all she's Force sensitive, and she's been raised in the palace to become a queen. I think her intellect would be higher than that of a normal four year old.
I also hope that nobody is offended that Ani kinda sorta "raped" Padmé. Put more delicately, "used" and "took" her. It had to be done for the plotline, and I think that with his desperation and frustration with Vader, his desire to rid of the demons makes it believable that he'd attack Padmé.
No, Luke was not in the room. He . . . um . . . went to his own bedroom for a nap beforehand. Yeah, that got him out of the way.
I build a small website that I'm hoping will grow bigger, and I hope you all visit there to check it out. www.geocities.com/haleyobsessions/ I'm putting only my absolute favorite fics on there, and there are some fics and such. If you have anything to add to the site, I'd be humbly grateful and forever in debt to your kindness. ;)
~Haley