I walk into the room and he's lying there, cold as ice, pale as chalk. He
isn't moving, why isn't he moving? Why isn't he here to tell me that
everything's okay? Why? Because he's the one lying on the gurney this time,
he's the one dying. It's not supposed to end this way, it's not supposed to
end, ever. I don't think they understand what this is doing to me, just
seeing him. They want me to go away and not go through this. I can't go
away, I need to be there when he dies. I go to sit beside him and grab his
hand, it surprises me how cold it is. It surprises me that someone once so
full of life can be lying there, it doesn't make sense.
I want to cry, to let it all out. I think people expect me to, he was my husband after all. He was always more than that. I don't understand why they can't do anything, he's hooked up to all these machines but yet he's not waking up. I should know why, I'm a nurse for god's sake. I should know what to do, but no one does. Everyone just stands there, unsure of what to do. Although they don't understand what is happening to me, they can see it. It must be obvious, I'm not crying but my heart is breaking. It's breaking for him. I bend down to kiss his forehead and I study his face, wanting, longing to see something. Some sign of movement, but he just stays there, perfectly still.
A few hours later I'm still there, the other people have gone their separate ways and left me, there at his bedside. Car crash, MVA, I didn't know he was involved until he was wheeled in on a gurney and I wanted it all to be a dream. Maybe this is a dream, maybe i'm going to wake up next to Carter, safe in our bed. Maybe if I wish hard enough. I should know by now that wishes don't come true. They just don't, so why waste your time wishing your life away? Maybe I know now, maybe sometimes wishing is the best thing to do. Maybe sometimes wishing is the only thing to do.
So I sit there for I don't know how long, wishing. I just want this to be over, I just want.... I don't know what I want. I want him back, that's what I want. I want to have one more chance, one more chance to talk to him, to kiss him, to fall asleep in his arms. That's when the tears begin to fall, once they start they don't stop, they just fall and fall onto his pale face. I wipe them away, ashamed of myself. That doesn't stop the tears, they continue to fall and before I know it I'm weeping. I'm weeping and there's no one to hold me, there's no one there to comfort me and that makes even more tears fall.
I must have fallen asleep at some point because I just woke up, leaning onto his chest and for one fleeting moment I thought that everything was back to normal. Nothing is normal, he's still lying there and I just want him to wake up. I'm gripping his hand, I'm crushing it, I'm hurting him. I'm looking for comfort, maybe if I grip his hand hard enough he'll grip mine back. He doesn't and I grab the nearest thing and throw it at the wall in anger. It smashes into millions of pieces and someone comes in to see what has happened. It's one of the nurses that I've seen around but don't really know. She looks at me, not knowing what to do. She must be new, she has this look of bewilderment on her face. She sees this person that she's seen before, someone so in control falling apart. She walks up to me and asks if I'm okay, I yell back at her that of course I'm not. She tells me that she lost her brother last year and she knows how I must be feeling. It's all I can do to restrain myself from yelling at her 'Bullshit! You don't know!' Somehow, she comforts me, she's a good nurse, I know it.
Later Susan comes in. She is upset, it figures, he was her friend. She sees me crying and she hugs me. I cry onto her shoulder, breathing in her flowery scent. She's crying too, not as much as me, she's crying a river and I'm crying an ocean.
I sit in a chair half asleep, looking at him. Luka comes in with my daughter Janie. I really don't want her to see her father like this but I can't tell Luka to go away. Janie is only two, I don't want her to grow up without knowing her father. She looks at him and wants to know why he isn't moving. She pokes his face and when he doesn't move she looks at me. It breaks my heart to see her face, the fear in her eyes. I sit there, lulling her to sleep.
He's moving, he squeezed my hand, I don't know if I'm dreaming, Then he turns his head to face me and opens his eyes. I fall in love with him all over again. The nurse comes in and smiles. She extubates him and he says my name. I pick up the sleeping Janie and carry her to his bed and sit there with him. I push the hair away from his forehead and kiss it. He's back, I have my husband back. Wishes do come true.
I want to cry, to let it all out. I think people expect me to, he was my husband after all. He was always more than that. I don't understand why they can't do anything, he's hooked up to all these machines but yet he's not waking up. I should know why, I'm a nurse for god's sake. I should know what to do, but no one does. Everyone just stands there, unsure of what to do. Although they don't understand what is happening to me, they can see it. It must be obvious, I'm not crying but my heart is breaking. It's breaking for him. I bend down to kiss his forehead and I study his face, wanting, longing to see something. Some sign of movement, but he just stays there, perfectly still.
A few hours later I'm still there, the other people have gone their separate ways and left me, there at his bedside. Car crash, MVA, I didn't know he was involved until he was wheeled in on a gurney and I wanted it all to be a dream. Maybe this is a dream, maybe i'm going to wake up next to Carter, safe in our bed. Maybe if I wish hard enough. I should know by now that wishes don't come true. They just don't, so why waste your time wishing your life away? Maybe I know now, maybe sometimes wishing is the best thing to do. Maybe sometimes wishing is the only thing to do.
So I sit there for I don't know how long, wishing. I just want this to be over, I just want.... I don't know what I want. I want him back, that's what I want. I want to have one more chance, one more chance to talk to him, to kiss him, to fall asleep in his arms. That's when the tears begin to fall, once they start they don't stop, they just fall and fall onto his pale face. I wipe them away, ashamed of myself. That doesn't stop the tears, they continue to fall and before I know it I'm weeping. I'm weeping and there's no one to hold me, there's no one there to comfort me and that makes even more tears fall.
I must have fallen asleep at some point because I just woke up, leaning onto his chest and for one fleeting moment I thought that everything was back to normal. Nothing is normal, he's still lying there and I just want him to wake up. I'm gripping his hand, I'm crushing it, I'm hurting him. I'm looking for comfort, maybe if I grip his hand hard enough he'll grip mine back. He doesn't and I grab the nearest thing and throw it at the wall in anger. It smashes into millions of pieces and someone comes in to see what has happened. It's one of the nurses that I've seen around but don't really know. She looks at me, not knowing what to do. She must be new, she has this look of bewilderment on her face. She sees this person that she's seen before, someone so in control falling apart. She walks up to me and asks if I'm okay, I yell back at her that of course I'm not. She tells me that she lost her brother last year and she knows how I must be feeling. It's all I can do to restrain myself from yelling at her 'Bullshit! You don't know!' Somehow, she comforts me, she's a good nurse, I know it.
Later Susan comes in. She is upset, it figures, he was her friend. She sees me crying and she hugs me. I cry onto her shoulder, breathing in her flowery scent. She's crying too, not as much as me, she's crying a river and I'm crying an ocean.
I sit in a chair half asleep, looking at him. Luka comes in with my daughter Janie. I really don't want her to see her father like this but I can't tell Luka to go away. Janie is only two, I don't want her to grow up without knowing her father. She looks at him and wants to know why he isn't moving. She pokes his face and when he doesn't move she looks at me. It breaks my heart to see her face, the fear in her eyes. I sit there, lulling her to sleep.
He's moving, he squeezed my hand, I don't know if I'm dreaming, Then he turns his head to face me and opens his eyes. I fall in love with him all over again. The nurse comes in and smiles. She extubates him and he says my name. I pick up the sleeping Janie and carry her to his bed and sit there with him. I push the hair away from his forehead and kiss it. He's back, I have my husband back. Wishes do come true.