A LOT OF TROUBLE

Chapter Two

            Over the next few days, she pondered whether or not to ask him about that, not at all sure she wanted to know the answer.  When they next met, this time at a Mexican restaurant, her curiosity finally got the better of her, and she confronted him. 

            "You weren't only reading the old file of my case, were you?"

            "Nope."

            "My parole file, too?"

            "Yup."

            "What am I supposed to think about that, Lennie?"

            "I guess that I'm a very curious guy.  You upset with me?"

            "I don't know.  Should I be?"

            "I hope not.  Look, I wasn't stalking you."

            "What would you call it?"

            "Waiting.  I was just waiting for you."

            "Why?"

            He smiled at her in a way that reminded her of how damn much fun she had had with him the last time. "I should think that the answer to that would be pretty obvious."

            She started blushing again and hated herself for it.  "Look, Lennie, I don't know how to do this kind of stuff."

            "You must have once."

            "I don't know.  Even if I did, I sure don't remember."

            "You'll get the hang of it.  Hey, you want a glass of wine to go with this?  It might help."

            Actually she did.  "You wouldn't mind?"

            "Nah.  I told you, I'm long past that."  He called a waiter.  "Remember last time, and just take it nice and slow."

            "You wouldn't be trying to get me drunk by any chance?"

            "Certainly not.  They'd probably throw me out of AA if I did that.  I just think you need to relax a little and let yourself enjoy the situation."

            "And what situation would that be exactly?"

            He sighed.  "There you go again being a lot of trouble.  See, what's happening here is that I'm flirting with you.  You have one of two choices.  You can -- A -- tell me to get lost, or -- B -- relax and enjoy it.  But pretending you don't know what's going on is not an option."

            She thought about that.  "Oh, God -- you must think I am such a total idiot."  

            "No, I don't.  I just know how hard it can be to bounce back after some experiences."

            "And just why is it you would want to hang around while I do that?"

            "Let's just say I've been there."

            "The drinking?"

            "No, not just that.  Judith, the other night you asked me if I have children."

            "And I could see that that bothered you."

            "Yes, you see, I do -- well, did have children.  Two daughters.  Several years ago I lost one of them."

            "Oh, no, Lennie." Judith's eyes filled with tears at the pain in his voice.  "I am so sorry."

            He reached over and put his hand on hers.  "Look, I'll tell you about that sometime, but not tonight.  My point for right now is that I know how hard it is to make yourself want to start living again.  Normal things like going out to eat and flirting, let alone starting a relationship, seem out of the question, I know.  But little by little. . .  Well, little by little, things do start happening again.  They really do.  So, if you are interested in me but want things to go slowly, that's fine."

            "You've got that kind of patience?"    

"Well, I've been leading a pretty drab existence for the last few years, but since you've moved into the neighborhood, the scenery has brightened considerably."

            "Um, this is that flirting thing again, right?"

            "See?"  He smiled.  "I told you you'd get the hang of it!"  

            "So."  She took a sip of the wine.  "What happens now?"

            "There's no set of instructions we have to follow.  We can just keep going out like this for a while and see what happens."

            "Okay, but you've taken me out twice now.  Why don't you let me make you dinner next time.  I'm a little rusty, but I assure you that my cooking skills are better than my flirting skills."

            "Me coming into your apartment?  Are you sure you're ready to try that again?"

            "That's very considerate of you to ask, but I'll be ready this time because I have a plan."

            "Really?  What's your plan?"

            "Well, I actually got it from my shrink, but what I am going to do is just expect that I'm going to panic.  It can't be worse than last time, and it probably won't be as bad.  And it may not even happen again since I won't be taken unawares this time.  So, if it happens, fine – if it doesn't, even better."

            "That's a good plan.  So, you've told your shrink about me, obviously."

            "Oh, yeah," said Judith, remembering that that didn't go over so well with Dr. Pierson.

            Lennie must have picked up on her tone because he said, "What?  He – or she – doesn't approve."

            "He.  No, he'd never put it that way exactly."

            "Mind telling me how he did put it?"

            Shrugging, she answered, "No, I don't mind.  I suppose you have a right to know.  He said that I should think carefully because I could be playing with fire for several reasons."

            "Let me guess – our prior acquaintance?"

            "Yeah.  He implied that there's something a little strange about it."

            "I guess we can't deny that, can we?"

            "No, but I'm not worried about that.  Lennie, you were just doing your job.  And I just happened to be where you were doing it.  Nothing out of line happened.  I can get past it."

            "That's a good attitude.  He buy it?"

            "Who can tell with shrinks?"

            "What other reason did he give?"

            This would be a bit harder to tell Lennie about.  It involved a what if she wasn't completely comfortable voicing.  Still, Lennie did have a right to know since it involved him directly.

            "He said that – well. . . "  She looked down.

            "You don't have to tell me."

            "I think it might be something best to have out there."

            "Okay."

            "Well, he thinks that someone in your line of work – that, um, that that might not be the best choice for me because I tend to worry a lot."

            Lennie closed his eyes for a couple seconds, apparently knowing exactly what she was talking about.  "Well, what can I say?  It does come with the territory.  All I can tell you is that statistically chances are very good nothing is going to happen."

            "Statistically?  How about anecdotally?"

            "Sure everyone knows someone who. . .  But just don't listen to the anecdotes.  That's what'll drive you crazy."

            "I'm sure that's good advice."

            "You going to be able to take it?"

            "Well, I guess that's one of those things we're just going to have to see about."

            "Any other reasons why I'm the fire you're playing with?"

            Judith hesitated.  Of course there was, but unlike the other two, it wasn't specific to Lennie.  Probably she should tell him.  Send him running right now.  That probably would be the best thing for both of them.  But her shrink had convinced her that she was not hopeless, and maybe Judith believed him – maybe just a little.

            "I don't want to pry, Judith."

            "I'm just not ready to go there, Lennie.  Okay?  Maybe with luck I won't have to."

            "That's fine.  I understand.  I want to make things as easy as I can for you."

            "And what about for you, Lennie?"

            "What about me?"

            "I don't know much about your world, but I am sure that sooner or later someone from it is going to see us and figure out who I am.  I said it before – that can't possibly be any good for you."

            "And I said before to let me worry about it.  Even if it ever came up, which it may not, my private life is no one's business."

            "Is that what you told yourself when you were drinking?"

            "Of course.  That's what all drunks tell themselves.  And we're all wrong.  But this isn't like that.  There's no way that my seeing you can possibly affect my job."

            "Still. . . "

            "Still nothing," he said firmly.  "And let's quit talking about reasons we shouldn't be seeing each other and get on with doing it."

            "Okay," she agreed.  "So, what do we do next?"

            "Well, let's see. . .  I think I'll go back to flirting with you because I think it's cute how it makes you blush."

            And indeed, that's all it took to make her do so again, and Lennie laughed.

            That's how it went on for the next several weeks.  They went out, or Judith would cook, but there were as many broken dates as kept ones as Judith discovered that a detective's schedule was far from written in stone.  He said she was remarkably understanding and that often broken dates were what kills cops' relationships before they even get started.  She somewhat guiltily let him think that when in reality the longer time between dates bought her time.  And even if there weren't "dates," so to speak, they snatched a little time here and there – he might come by the gallery and take her for coffee or he might stop by her place on his way home for a little while late at night if she was still up.  Judith was even relaxing about anyone recognizing her or asking questions about her.

            Of course, one day the inevitable happened.  Lennie called and said that he and his partner Ed would be at the courthouse all day and asked if she would come downtown and meet them when they broke for lunch.  Give her a chance to meet Ed, he said.

            "Do you think that's such a good idea, Lennie?"

            "Look, he knows I've been seeing someone, and he's asked about meeting you.  It's not a very unusual thing, you know.  And, no – I haven't told him about how we met before.  There's no reason he needs to know."

            She rather reluctantly agreed to meet them at the place he named.

            She did, and found herself having fun.  Ed was a pleasant black man, and she found him easy-going and interesting.  They were nearly finished with their meal when Ed left to take a cell-phone call.

            Lennie leaned across the table and took her hand.  "See?  This wasn't so bad, was it? "

            She shook her head.  "No, not at all.  He seems like a very nice guy."

            "Maybe some night we can. . . "  And Lennie's voice trailed off as he seemed to catch sight of something over her shoulder behind her.  "Judith," he said in a low voice, "Don't freak out, okay, but Jack McCoy and his assistant are leaving the restaurant, and I don't think there's any way they're not going see us."

            "Lennie!  Oh, God!  I can't. . . "  She tried to take her hand out of his, but he held it firmly.

            "Yes, you can.  Everything will be fine."

             Then they were there at the table.  Judith remembered Jack McCoy all too well, but the assistant – she wasn't the same one.  This one was tall with long dark hair.

            "So, Detective Briscoe," said the DA, "It would seem that you are having yourself a pleasant lunch today."  He was obviously looking for an introduction.

            Judith studied her plate and wished she were anywhere else – even back at Beacon.

            "Counselors."  Lennie stood up.  "Abbie Carmichael, this is Judith Sandler."

            The tall brunette shook Judith's hand and said in a husky voice, "Nice to meet you, Ms. Sandler."

            "And Judith, I believe that you and Mr. McCoy are already acquainted."

            The prosecutor was staring at her as if Lennie had introduced him to a three-headed yak.  This was clearly a man who didn't like to be thrown curves.

            "Sandler?  Judith Sandler?"  He looked at Lennie.  "How could this happen?"

            Abbie Carmichael looked curiously at all three of them, obviously with no idea what was going on.

            Just at that moment, Ed returned to the table.  "Hi, Abbie.  McCoy.  You meet Judith?"  And then, as it dawned on him that not everything was what it seemed, he began to look as curious as Abbie.

            "Jack," Lennie said evenly, "the only thing that's happening is that Judith and I are having lunch with my partner."

            "But. . . "  The DA began to splutter.  "This just isn't possible!"

            "Jack?" said Abbie, turning to her boss.  "What's wrong?"

            "There's nothing at all wrong, Counselor," said Lennie in the same steady tone, "as I'm sure your boss will explain to you when he calms down.  Maybe you better take him back to the office now."

            Abbie touched Jack's sleeve.  "Jack, let's go – okay?"

            Thankfully, he did go, with one last incredulous look at Judith and Lennie.

            Lennie and Ed sat back down.  Judith put her head in her hands.

            "Is someone going to tell me what just went on here?" asked Ed.

            "I'll explain it to you later.  Ed, would you mind leaving us alone for a few minutes?  I'll catch up to you."

            "Okay, Lennie – but make it quick.  We've got to be back in court in a few minutes.  Judith?  You okay?"

            "Yes, Ed.  It was nice meeting you."

            "Same here.  We'll do it again sometime."  And he was gone.

            "Judith," Lennie said.  "Talk to me.  Don't be upset.  McCoy'll calm down."

            "Did you see how he looked at me?"

            "He just doesn't like surprises."

            "He's really upset with you, Lennie."

            "Jack McCoy spends ninety percent of his life really upset.  It doesn't mean anything."

            "Can he make trouble for you?"

            "I don't see how."

            "You're going to have to tell Ed now."

            "Yes."

            "And he'll hate me.  And he'll give you a hard time."

            "He's not like that.  Don't worry about it."

            "You better go, Lennie."

            "I don't want to leave you like this.  You're shaking."

            "I'll be fine.  I'm just going to sit here a little while."

            "We knew this had to happen sooner or later."

            "And now it has.  Lennie, go on, please – I don't want to make you late."

            "I'll be by later.  Okay?"

            "Yes, sure."

            He gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze and left.

            And now it starts, she thought.  All hell is going to break loose.  Just something else that's going to be my fault.  I should have pushed Lennie away when the going was good for him.  Now he's going to have to put up with all this crap.  All for a relationship that he probably was going to get nothing out of anyway.  True to his word Lennie had not been pushy.  An occasional good night kiss, and he'd put his arm or arms around her on several occasions.  She succeeded in not pulling away, but she was sure that he felt her stiffen at his touch.  He had sighed once or twice but hadn't said anything.  Judith knew that the situation couldn't continue, but she wasn't making any progress with the shrink either.  She sighed.  And now this – everyone knowing about her.  She was starting to feel very much in a fishbowl and didn't know what if anything she should or could do about it.

            Lennie didn't stop by until really late.  He thought he'd be able to go home after the court thing, but as it turned out he and Ed caught a case.  He was tired and didn't stay long but did tell her that he saw McCoy again later and explained things to him.

            "How?" she asked.  "How did you explain it?"

            "That the second time around we met like normal people meet and that we started going out like normal people go out."

            "Did he buy it?"

            "There's nothing to buy.  He can accept it or not as he likes.  I really don't care."

            "And Ed?"

            "He was surprised."HHHhhh

            "And?"

            "And nothing.  He was surprised.  That's all."

            Judith was pretty sure that wasn't all, but she could tell it wasn't something to press Lennie about – at least not when he was this tired.  Still she wondered what would be the next shoe to drop.

            She didn't have to wait long.  Three days later, she was called to the phone at the gallery.

            "Miss Sandler.  This is Anita Van Buren from the 27th Precinct."

            Lennie's boss?  He'd spoken often of her.  But why?  Oh, my god, she thought, panicking.

            "Lennie?  Is he. . . "

            "He's fine, Miss Sandler.  I just saw him half an hour ago.  I'm sorry – I didn't mean to alarm you."

            Judith caught her breath.  "Then I have to confess that I'm a bit puzzled about this call."

            "Miss Sandler, can you get away and meet me for coffee in a little while?"

            "I – yes," she answered, confused.  "But can you tell me why you want to do that?"

            "I'll explain that when we meet."

            They agreed on a place, and Lt. Van Buren was waiting for her when she arrived about a half hour later.  Judith vaguely recognized her from the day she was arrested but had formed only a vague impression of the attractive but no-nonsense black woman.  The rest of what she knew about her came from Lennie, and it was evident that he respected her a good deal.

            If the lieutenant remembered Judith, she didn't say so.  Judith introduced herself, and they sat down. 

            "What can I do for you, Lieutenant?"

            "Look, Miss Sandler, I don't usually do this.  My detectives' private lives are just that – private.  But. . . "

            "But Lennie and I are a unique case?"

            "Exactly."

            "Lieutenant, before you go any further, I hope this isn't something I can't tell Lennie about because I wouldn't feel right. . . "

            "No, Lennie Briscoe isn't a man you keep things from – I know that.  You can tell him whatever you think is appropriate.  I just want you to know that he's going to have a pretty rough time for a while.  He might not tell you that, but he is."

            "Because of me?  Everyone knows?"

            "Ours is a small world, Miss Sandler.  Something like that spreads like wildfire.  And not everyone is going to be very kind about it."

            "What about you, Lieutenant?  Are you upset with Lennie?"

            "It's not for me to be upset with him or not.  Obviously, for his sake, I wish this were a choice he hadn't made.  But Lennie's a good judge of character.  If you're what he wants, I have no reason to second-guess him.  And, I've got to tell you this – I didn't know why until now, but Lennie has seemed like a very happy man the last couple of months.  God knows he deserves it."

            "Thank you for telling me that."

            "That is really all I wanted to say.  Well, maybe just one more thing. . . "

            "Yes?"

            "Treat him well, Miss Sandler.  Please."

            Treat him well.  The lieutenant's words echoed in Judith's mind.  If she had been going to treat Lennie well, she should have turned him away two months ago.

            Soon after Judith had spoken to Lt. Van Buren, she and Lennie had a rare kept date, and even more remarkably an uninterrupted one, at her apartment for dinner.  She cooked hot Cajun chicken thighs, baked potatoes with chives and sour cream, and garlic broccoli, all of which Lennie consumed with gusto.

            "You sure weren't kidding about having some cooking skills, Judith.  Everything you've done has been great."

            "Thank you, Lennie.  I try.  I hope they make up for my lack of skills in – um, other areas."

            He reached across the table and took her hand.  "Judith, we're going to have to talk about that."  She couldn't look at him, and he said quietly, "Let's clean this stuff up first, okay?"

            Almost wordlessly, he helped her in the kitchen, and then they retired to her living room.  Judith started to take the armchair she usually did, but Lennie reached for her arm and pulled her over to the couch beside him.  She was breathing heavily and not able to cover it.

            "I'm making you nervous, right?" he asked.

            There was no point in denying the obvious.  But Lennie's hands were on her – his left hand on her shoulder and his right arm drawing her closer to him.  She couldn't breathe and made a distressed sound.  He loosened his grip but didn't relinquish it.

            "Judith?  What's happening here?"

            "Lennie, let me go – please."

            He did so at once.  "What's the problem?  Please talk to me."

            Judith was breathing hard, nearly but not quite into panic attack mode.  "It's just that it's. . .   It's. . . "  And she buried her head in her arms on the back of the couch.

            His hand was on her back, stroking up and down her spinal cord.  It was comforting, reassuring, but she didn't know if she could stand it.  She jumped up from the couch and turned to face him but didn't know if she had a word she possibly could say.

            "Lennie. . . " she started.

            "Yes?  What is it?"

            "I tried.  Oh, God, I tried to make you understand this wasn't a good idea."

            "Well, no you didn't.  If I'm recalling the same scenes correctly, I gave you at least a couple of very explicit opportunities to tell me to back off.  I've been taking things slowly because I understand you need to do that, but, Judith – things reach a point. . . "

            "I understand that, Lennie.  I really do.  I thought – hoped -- I'd be ready."

            She could see he was confused and puzzled, and she felt sorry for him and very ashamed of herself.  Neither of them said anything for a moment.  Finally he sighed, and said, "Look, Judith, I'm not giving you an ultimatum or anything, but I need to understand what's happening with you.  Come sit back down here with me, please.  I promise I won't do anything you don't want.  Okay?"

            She sat back down, and he reached for her hand.  "I assume this is okay?"

            "Yes, it's nice."

            He held her hand and said, "Can you explain things to me?  What are you afraid of?"

            "I want to explain – I really do.  It's just that this is so embarrassing I don't know where to start."

            "Is it sex?  Is that what you're afraid of?  But you were married."

            "And that was not a spectacular success."

            "What happened?"

            "Things were okay at first – no waves crashing on the beach or anything like that, but okay.  And then, gradually, the claustrophobia I'd always had got worse, and eventually I just couldn't stand, you know, to be that close to someone.  It just made me panic.  And Steven – he would look at me like you are now."

            "So, it's not sex as such?"

            "I don't think so.  I don't know.  It's been so long I barely remember."

            "What does your shrink say?"

            "That I've overcome a lot of other phobias and that I should be able to deal with this one as well."

            "Are you going to be able to do that?"

            "Not if tonight is any indication," she sighed.

            "Well, do you really want to deal with it?"

            "What kind of question is that?  Of course I do."

            "Are you sure?  Are you really sure you're not more comfortable just staying in your status quo cocoon?"

            "And your degree would be from where, Dr. Briscoe?"

            "Don't get mad.  I'm just trying to help you sort this out.  I kind of have a vested interest."

            "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to be so defensive."

            "It's okay.  And you're right, I'm no shrink, but it seems to me that you've got to have a plan."

            "A plan?"

            "Yeah.  Like remember when you said you had a plan about my coming here after that first time?  You were ready for what might happen, and then nothing did, and everything was fine."

            "I think this is more of a deep-seated problem, Lennie."

            "Sure it is, but that doesn't mean we can't have a plan to deal with it."

            "We?  Most guys would have hit the street by now.  Hell, they'd still be running.  And don't tell me you weren't thinking about doing the same thing when I freaked out on you."

            "Okay, maybe I did for a second or two, but I didn't understand.  And something else."

            "What?"

            "I don't want my life to go back to the way it was a couple of months ago.  Since. . .  Since Cathy died, I'd just been existing rather than living.  Now I feel like I'm living again, and I'm not going to let a little claustrophobia scare me off."

            Judith just stared at him.  How remarkable that a man just said that to her.  It just didn't seem possible, and she wasn't sure she was up to bearing the responsibility it implied.

            "Judith?  Did I just sprout antennae or something?"

            "No, no – I was just thinking. . .   What were you saying about a plan?"

            "Well, I think I took you a little by surprise tonight and that's why you had a problem."

            "But it's not as if I didn't know it would happen sooner or later," she said ruefully.

            "Yeah, but you didn't know when, and you didn't know what.  If you knew ahead of time, maybe you could deal with it better."

            "Example?"

            "Well, how about this?  We're here on the couch.  Suppose I put my arm around you and we just sit very close for a little while."

            "Sounds pretty adolescent, Lennie."

            "If that's what it takes.  Think you can handle it?"

            "Right now?"

            "If you think you're ready to try it."

            "I feel so incredibly stupid putting you through this."

            "Don't worry about that."

            Judith was taking deep breaths to forestall the panic.  "And that's all I have to do?"

            "That's all you have to do."

            "Sure, well, okay.  It's worth a try."

            Very slowly he moved closer to her and put his arm around her shoulders.  "You okay so far?"

            She nodded, trying to concentrate on her breathing.  He pulled her closer until the sides of their bodies lined up on the couch.  She didn't know if she could do this, but she was sure going to try not to pull away from him.

            "How about we give it one minute, okay?"  He glanced at his watch.  "I know you're uncomfortable, but do you think you can stay put for one minute?"

            "Sure," she managed to gasp.

            As the minute ticked away, her breath started to come more regularly.  She was acutely conscious of the warmth of Lennie's body, but she figured that was okay – she could deal with it since her other side was free.

            "One minute," he said.  "Want me to let you go?"

            It would be easy to say yes, she thought.  But at this point her fear of looking like a complete idiot was catching up to her claustrophobia.  "No, it's okay.  Let's try it a little while longer."

            "Judith, I'd like to touch your hair.  Would it be all right if I did that?"

            "Um, let's see – fear of having hair touched," she said nervously.  "I never ran across a word for that one, so I guess I don't have it."

            Lennie chuckled.  "That's a good thing.  You have pretty hair.  I've been wanting to touch it."

            "You have?" she asked surprised, as he stroked her hair and wrapped a bit of it around his fingers.

            "Sure.  Don't you know you have pretty hair?"

            "I. . .   I've never thought about it – at least not in the longest time."

            "I'd tell you you are a beautiful woman, but I don't want to make you any more nervous than you already are.  How're you doing, by the way?  I haven't been keeping track, but we must be into the third minute by now."

            "I'm okay – I really think I'm okay."

            "Want to stay like this for a little while?"

            "If you've got the patience."

            "Hey, sitting on a couch with my arm around a beautiful woman?  I'm not complaining."

            "But is it enough?"

            "For now it is."

            "And later?"

            "We'll deal with it.  We have a plan – remember?"

            "You know, Lennie?  You were right from the very beginning.  I am a lot of trouble."

            He leaned his head against hers and sighed.  "You certainly are."

            And Lennie's plan worked eventually.  It hadn't been all smooth sailing by any means, but when Judith panicked, they just accepted it, took a step backward if they had to, and just gradually moved along.  When they finally did begin sleeping together, Judith couldn't think what she had been so afraid of.  She felt like a completely new person, one who had emerged from what Lennie had called a cocoon.  The old Judith – well, she was old, past.  Judith was growing beyond her every day.

            But now – this thing with Lennie's grandson.  She didn't know.  Lennie slept well beside her, and she was grateful for that, but it was now just a couple hours before the alarm would ring, and she was getting really scared.  If you're going to be scared, Judith, she told herself, be scared for that little kid.  That's something realistic to be scared about.  And she was, of course.  But as she thought back over the last year, she recognized a couple of common themes that were popping up again.  One, was she going to be strong enough to deal with the situation?  There was going to be no "plan" this time to get her through this – no baby steps.  Lennie was going to need her, and she was going to have to be there for him.  Period.  Her panic he didn't need right now.  And, two, what was Lennie's daughter going to think of her? Judith, Judith, damn it, she thought, this isn't about you.  There's no reason your past should come up – no reason at all.  Everyone's going to have far more important things on their minds.  This isn't something that is worth worrying about.  Not worth worrying about.  Not worth worrying about.

                                                End Chapter Two.  Go to Chapter Three --------