Act 1 Act 1 Scene 1

(The stage opens up in a harbor, where Ferio is standing, looking out into the sea. A ship comes to the port, and Ferio jumps with joy. Lantis and Lafarga come out of the ship.)

Lantis: Mister Morrel! Alas, but the captain jumped off a ship to kill himself!

Lafarga: No, he didn't, he died of a sickness, you idiot.

Lantis: Oh yeah, he did.

Ferio: Oh, well, then, that must mean that Lantis will become the new captain!

Lafarga: But, you can't do that to me! I wanted to be the captain! Oops…I don't think I was supposed to say that now, was I?

Ferio: (whispering to Lafarga) Shut up and just get on with the show, for goodness' sakes. Sheesh, this is getting to be a disaster.

Lantis: I'm Captain of the Pharaon now? Oh, you do not know how much this means to me.

Ferio: Now, I hear you have a girl waiting for you back home. Go, I won't keep you here. (As Lantis is leaving) On second thought, maybe I do need to talk to you for a few minutes. Danglars, can you please go away?

(Lafarga goes away)

Ferio: So, what took you so long? Lafarga has told me that you stopped at the Isle of Elba and got off. Then he said that you got a package that must be sent to Paris. Can you give me an explanation?

Lantis: Um…I stopped at the Isle of Elba because…well…

Ferio: Well?

Lantis: Do you really want to know?

Ferio: Yes.

Lantis: Really?

Ferio: Yes.

Lantis: Are you sure?

Ferio: Can you answer already?

Lantis: (took out the package) I went to have…some of this…

Ferio: (sees what was inside the package and gasps) You couldn't! Without me? How dare you! But, no matter, does anyone else know what you did in the Isle?

Lantis: No, I'm sure of it. But, I have to take this to Paris to Noirtier, because…

Ferio: Yes, yes, I understand. Now go, that's all I wanted to know.

Lantis: Thank you. (runs out and accidentally bumps into the scenery, making it fall on top of him)

Ferio: …(is laughing inside)

Scene 2

(Yukito enters, dressed as Lantis' father. Lantis comes in from the other side and hugs his father.)

Lantis: Guess who?

Yukito: (smiling uncertainly) Um…are you the new tax collector? You came at the wrong time, sir, because, you see, my son hasn't returned yet, and so I don't have money to give you yet.

Lantis: No, you idiot. Guess again!

Yukito: Ah! You are Mr. Morrel! So, have you brought news about my son?

Lantis: (sweatdrops) Do you even remember how your son looks like?

Yukito: No.

Lantis: Do you even know your lines for the play?

Yukito: No.

Lantis: (cries out in frustration) I'm your son, you dolt!

Yukito: Oh yeah! Lantis! You have come back home! Welcome, my son!

Lantis: Sheesh, are you doing okay, father? Did you need anything?

Yukito: (shaking his head) No, but forget me. There is someone else you need to see. Go and visit her now. I hear someone else is asking for her hand in marriage.

Lantis: (eyes bulge out) WHAT?!? I must hurry!

(Lantis runs out, leaving Yukito with a small box. Yukito sighs with relief and opens his box.)

Yukito: Ah, there you are. I've been looking for you.

Scene 3

(In the Catalan village, you see Umi and Ascot in the garden.)

Ascot: Umi, this is the final time I'm asking you, please marry me.

Umi: (smiles) I love you, Ascot, but I will never marry anyone but Edmond Dantès!

Ascot: Who's that?

Umi: Uh…I mean, I will never marry anyone but Lantis Dantès!

Ascot: (getting angry) How can you do that to me? Why are you so mean? I'm going to get really angry…

Umi: (alarmed) Um…Ascot, I don't think summoning a demon is part of the script, Ascot? AAAAAHHHH!!

Ascot: Umi, are you alright?

Umi: No thanks to you!

Ascot: Please, Umi, reconsider.

(from outside, Lantis is calling out for Umi's name)

Lantis: Umi! Umi! Are you there?

Umi: It's Edmo—um…I mean it's Lantis!

Lantis: Umi!

Umi: Lantis!

Lantis: Umi!

Umi: Lantis!

Lantis: Umi!

Ascot: Oh, shut up already!

(laughter in the audience)

Lantis: Umi, I'm asking you to marry me!

Umi: Oh, let me think about it.

Lantis: Think about it? I thought you would never marry anyone but me.

Umi: I know, but I still want to think about it.

Ascot: (heaving with laughter) You're supposed to say yes, Umi.

Umi: (glaring at Ascot) I thought you wanted me to marry you.

Ascot: (becoming stern) Oh, right.

Lantis: Great! Our marriage will be tomorrow.

Umi: But I didn't say yes yet!

Ascot: You're impossible, Umi.

Umi: So are you!

Ascot: (stomping out) That's it! I've had it! I'm leaving you two people to entertain the audience!

(goes out, leaving Umi and Lantis)

Lantis: (shrugging) So, do you say yes?

Umi: Oh, what the heck, fine. Let's go.

Scene 4

(Ascot is stomping out to the streets, where Lafarga and a drunk Aeka are sitting down, having drinks)

Lafarga: Hey, Ascot! Have a drink with us!

Aeka: (hiccups) Yeah, oh, this sake is great! Can I have some more?

Ascot: You were supposed to pretend to drink the sake, you weren't supposed to really drink it.

Aeka: (shrugs) Oh well, sit down, Ascot. Tell us your troubles.

Lafarga: Yeah, I bet you that you have trouble with that Lantis, do you? I do, too.

Ascot: Why? What did he do?

Lafagra: (telling the two people to lean in a bit closer) Well, you see here, we stopped by at the Isle of Elba, and Lantis got off. He met a few people, and you know what he did?

Aeka: (hiccup hiccup) What?

Lafarga: (bringing his fist down at the table) HE HAD A CHEESEBURGER HAPPY MEAL WITHOUT ME!

Ascot: (quieting Lafarga down) Shh….that's illegal. But, what do you suppose we do about Lantis?

Lafarga: (writing a letter) Here, I'll write a letter to King Eriol XIV about Lantis' loyalty to the ex-princess Emeraude.

Aeka: (drunkenly) Oh, dear me, that's not very nice. Give me that letter, you shouldn't do things like that to my friend, Lantis.

Lafarga: Oh, you misunderstood me, Aeka. We were only kidding. Here, I'll toss this letter to the bushes, and we won't talk about this again. (tosses the letter at Ascot)

Ascot: (pockets the letter and stands up) I must leave now. I have to mail something. I'll see you in the wedding.

Aeka: What wedding? (hiccup hiccup hiccup)

Lafarga: The wedding of Umi and Lantis.

Aeka: Ew…

Scene 5

(In a place, bunches of people are walking around in a parade. Lantis and Umi are hand in hand, while everyone else is behind them, mainly, Ascot, Lafarga, Yukito, Aeka, and Ferio)

Lantis: Finally, we're getting married, my love.

Umi: (cringes) Would you mind not calling me that? I mean, yes, Lantis, we are. Just a little bit more steps, and we'll be right in front of the church.

(a bunch of soldiers arrive)

Soldier: Who here is Edmond Dantès?

(nobody answers)

Soldier: I repeat, who here is Edmond Dantès?

Ascot: For goodness' sake, officer, there is no Edmond Dantès. The letter said Lantis Dantès.

(everyone looks suspiciously at Ascot)

Ascot: What?

Soldier: (clears throat) Okay, let's start over this. Who here has the name of Lantis Dantès?

(Lantis steps up)

Lantis: I am he.

Soldier: Then, I arrest you in the name of King Eriol XIV.

Umi: Can you wait until we're married? I don't like bad things to happen.

Lantis: I'll go with you. Don't worry, Umi. I will come back before you will miss me.

Umi: Sure, whatever.

Lafarga and Ascot: (snicker snicker)

Yukito: (coming out of a daze) Hey, that's my son you're taking! He's not guilty! I am!

Soldier: You are?

Yukito: I am? I mean, no, I'm not. Never mind. Take my son.

Lantis: Thanks, father. You're so loyal to me.

Yukito: (smiling cheerfully) You're welcome!

Aeka: What is happening here?

Ferio: Yes, please tell us, soldier. Lantis can't possibly be guilty of anything.

Soldier: Don't ask me. I'm only here to arrest people. Clear this up with Monsieur Eagle Villefort.

Lantis: Eagle? He has something to do with this? What a traitor! First, he's my best friend, now he's my worst enemy!

(The soldier leads Lantis away. Umi starts to cry, because Ascot whispered something to her, and Yukito looks sad, because he can't eat anything yet. Ferio looks concerned.)

Scene 6

(Eagle is standing, looking at the fireplace. He has a strong desire of burning something. At that moment, Lantis comes in.)

Eagle: Ah, so you must be Lantis Dantès. What have you to say in your defense?

Lantis: Eagle! What are you doing here? Why are you arresting me? Aren't I your best friend?

Eagle: (puzzled) Lantis, I am your best friend. Now shush, this is a play. Say your lines already.

Lantis: Oh, what lines?

Eagle: You know what, do you have the package that Ascot told me of in the letter?

Lantis: Ascot wrote the letter accusing me? He's gonna pay.

Eagle: No, Ascot didn't write it. He only gave it to me.

Lantis: (hesitates, then hands Eagle the package) Here.

Eagle: (opens the package and gasps) What are you doing with this? Who is this to be sent for?

Lantis: I was to send this to Noirtier. You know how hungry he gets.

Eagle: But a cheeseburger? You are conspiring with the ex-princess and you brought a cheeseburger from the Isle of Elba? Don't you know this is illegal?

Lantis: Gee, is that why I got arrested?

Eagle: Yes! Guards! Take this young man to the big prison in the middle of the island!

Lantis: Don't you mean the Chateau d'If?

Eagle: Yeah, that one.

Lantis: Take him away.

Eagle: Hey, that's my line!

Lantis: Well, I said it, now, they're going to take you away.

Eagle: No, they're not! Guards! Go on! Take him away!

(Guards take Lantis away, leaving Eagle alone with the package and the cheeseburger. Laughing to himself, he unwraps the cheeseburger and eats it, throwing the wrapper into the fire.)