Title: Harry Potter and the Budget Cut
Author: Autumn
E-mail: autumnleaves@autumnpenguins.com
Summary: Hogwarts experiences a budget cut, with some interesting results. Tis a sillyfic! Not intended to hurt anybody's feelings. It is just a parody of some HP fandom things….
Rating: R, implied slash
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Harry Potter was in his last year at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardy. He found it hard to believe that he would be taking his N.E.W.T.S. in nine short months, and moving into the real world. He looked forward to the year with as much anticipation as he had the previous six years. Since he learned that he was a wizard all those years ago. Things were going well for him, he's been living with his godfather for nearly two years, after his name had finally been cleared, and he'd been awarded an Order of Merlin, first class.
Harry was looking forward to his final year, and had just passed through platform 9 ¾ when he noticed something highly unusual. The Hogwarts express was waiting for passengers to load onto the train, but there was a difference. Instead of the usual plush passenger train, there was a freighter with 22 compartments waiting to take the puzzled students to their destination. Harry waved goodbye to Sirus and stepped into the train.
It was dark and gloomy and very cold. A dementor was driving the train this year and played 'Don't Fear the Reaper' over and over again. Harry desperately tried to find Ron and Hermione. After hours of searching he found Ron, who was crying in a corner and mumbling about how much he hated spiders. Harry ran over to him and gave him a manly hug. The two began to talk about Quidditch and were immersed in a discussion about the Chuddly Cannons when in walked Draco Malfoy. This happened every year, but this year it was different, there was no Crabbe and Goyle with him.
"Where's Crabbe and Goyle?" Ron voiced the question that was on everybody's mind.
"They were boring me so I chopped them up into little pieces, poured sugar on their remains and threw them off the train."
"Why'd you use sugar?" Harry asked.
"So that they won't come after me you dolt."
"You're supposed to use salt, not sugar you stupid git." Ron said exasperated at the Slytherin boy's mistake.
"Whatever. That's not important. What is important is what I came in here for. Harry, I know I've been mean to you forever, and never used your first name. But the truth is, I'm madly in love with you and want to have your babies!"
"No way! You're off you rocker! I'm the one who's in love with you and want to have your babies!" Harry screeched as he lustily lunged at Draco.
"Unbloody believable! I've been in love with both of you and want to have your babies grow up with my babies!" Ron screamed.
"Sorry Ron, but I've got my sexy Slytherin here, you're gonna have to just sit in a corner and toss yourself off." Harry said before resuming making out with Draco.
So Ron, being the sidekick and second place man that he was, did just that.
*** Hours later, after many sweaty goes on the Shagwarts Express, as it was known from now on, the three young boys emerged looking deeply satisfied. Ron had eventually joined in on the fun and they decided that three was defiantly better than two. It had never entered their hormone filled brains to wonder where exactly Hermione was, and they were so busy taking turns snogging during the carriage ride that they failed to notice that half the castle had fallen off, or disappeared or something.
They made their way into the great hall and settled down for a nice feast. Hermione was still missing in action, but that was okay. Draco had snuck over from the Slytherin table and the three boys had loud, sloppy sex under the table, again and again and again. When Dumbledore rose to speak however, the three paid attention. Not even testosterone could compete with the awesome power that was Albus Dumbledore.
"Welcome, welcome to another year at Hogwarts. I'm sure a few of you have noticed that there have been a few changes at the school this year. I would like to announce the engagement of two of my favorite people. Miss Hermione Granger and Mr. Severus Snape have recently become involved, and decided that their love is here to stay.
"Just because I am having Hermione's illegal baby does not mean that any of you may slip in your studies" the three weeks pregnant Snape snarled before sitting down next to his beloved again.
"Wow, I never knew Hermione had a thing for Snape. Guess now we know what she was doing all those nights when she said she was screwing his brains out. I always thought she was joking about that." Harry commented.
"I caught them kissing once when I was serving detention. Hermione came in, and they just started making out like wild minx or something. Wonder why I didn't think much about it." Ron said.
"Hey here she comes now."
"Congrats on the baby Herm!"
"Thanks Harry! Severus and I agreed to take turns carrying the children. He lost the coin toss this time."
"What is Draco doing here?" She asked, eyes narrowed in suspicion.
"Oh, well Ron and Harry and I decided that the reason we were so evil to each other all these years is because we're madly in love with each other and wanted each other's hot bodies." Draco explained.
"Allright then, well I better get back up there. Severus is already having mood swings and cravings."
"A moody Snape? Imagine that. He'll be a nightmare's nightmare in potions this year." Harry said.
"Puking and swollen feet, just wonderful" Ron put in.
Dumbledore again cut into the conversation. "As I was saying before, there have been a few changes at the school this year. We've lost a great deal of funding, and the booster club just isn't what it used to be. We were forced to sell off half of the castle and redesign the schoolhouses. Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff will now be joined in the brand new 'Ravenpuff' house. Gryffindor and Slytherin will live in the old chamber of secrets as Slyidor."
To cut costs, we have also had to fire all the house elves and have replaced them with first year students. First year to third year will serve as keepers of the school until their fourth year, where they will begin to learn magic. Classes will also be combined now. Potions and Divination will combine to become 'The future of potions,' Muggle Studies and Transfiguration will combine to the new 'transfiguration of muggles' class; Herbology and History of magic will be together as the History of herbology and goblin rebellions. Care of magical creatures and charms will work together and defense against the dark arts has been canceled. Have a pleasant year!"
"Well, that will be different." Ron stated.
"Defiantly, transfiguring muggles eh? Hope the Dursleys are test subjects" Harry said.
"Hey look, Hermione and Snape are making out." Draco commented with the air of one discussing the weather.
"Yeah, that's kinda hot. So you guys wanna head down to our new quarters and have a wild, sexual orgy?" Ron said.
"Alright then, let's have a bit of a go shall we." Harry said.
"We shall" Draco said as they rose, in more ways than one.
*****
Epilogue:
Hermione and Severus were very happy together and had 12 children, each more brilliant than the next. Ron, Draco and Harry continued their trio of love for all eternity and managed to produce several children, and several new chapters in the Kama Sutra.
Dumbledore was headmaster of Hogwarts forever, and he and Voldemort became the greatest of friends and ran the school happily. Nobody ever died and there were lots and lots of orgies.
The end.