CHAPTER TWO
Darien was currently enjoying what all you little kiddies know as being hot chocolate.
Have you ever wondered why all they drink on Sailor moon is chocolate?
That's because it's really Vodka mixed with Gin! No wonder Serena giggles so much!
Anyway, Darien was in his apartment, drinking his erm… hot chocolate, which just happens to be flammable, when the doorbell rang. Darien thought that perhaps he had drunk a little too much "hot chocolate" because he currently looked like a hideous drunken wreck.
"Are you sure he's even home?" Asked the Will Smith/Chief Wiggum cop as the showgirl draped an arm over his shoulder.
"He has to be, every one knows that Tuxedo Mask spends all night drinking his "hot chocolate" because his girl friend's such high maintenance." The gay guy said knowledgeably.
"How did you know that?" Tube sock asked.
"Unlike some of you, I actually watch the television series." He said smugly, and much to their surprise, the door fell off its hinges.
Darien saw them at the door, burst out laughing, and said:
"HEYA what's upwoityh alllll the NIIIICCCEEE people!" Before he grabbed the gay guy around the neck.
"Jusst.. *hick*..just so you knooooww I love you! Come gimme a huggg!" He cried.
The gay guy, suddenly remembering how brutally hot Darien is, this is fourth season Darien, not stupid third season Darien who was a gay and glorified babysitter, looked absolutely smitten.
"Do you want to go shag?" The gay guy asked Darien enthusiastically.
"There will be time for shagging later, first we have to make some enquires," The cop said, stroking his suddenly fat belly.
"SHAG!?" Yelled Serena coming wearing a soiled dress from behind the couch. "You told me I was the only one for you!"
Darien hiccoughed and laughed.
"Darien it's our destiny!" She cried, wetting her top and making it all see through, (How realistic to the show is this!?) "Don't forget about me!"
"Miss, you do realize you're only fourteen and therefore a minor?" The police officer pointed out, but Serena was too busy running around screaming.
"He made love to me!" Yelled Serena with her annoying voice, tugging on the police dude's shirt. "HE SAID HE LOVED ME!"
"That's a form of pedophilia, miss." The cop pointed out, sternly.
"Yeahh well that'z because I'm drinkin' this stuff" Said Darien tipsily. "I can't staaaand you if I'm soberrr. Imagine screewing a lil school girl *hic* who kept giiiggling everytime you got your *hic* beast out."
At that Serena started screaming and crying and running around the room again.
"Every one just shut up, you're all acting like idiots!" Yelled the showgirl. "And some one, stick that drunk's head into a bucket of water!"
She kicked Serena in the stomach and for once, being sensible she stopped crying. Everyone looked at the showgirl very shocked.
"You, the idiot in the tube sock! Get that screaming brat out of here! She's way too young to be raped by an alcoholic!" She cried.
Feeling very guilty, Tube sock used her magic powers to make Serena freeze. She also put a bandage around Serena's eyes so she couldn't evoke any crying powers, and dragged her out of the apartment.
"Thank God she's gone!" The cop cried, not realizing that tube sock had godlike powers.
"Now, Mr … er… Mask. You do realize you've been accused of a very serious crime?" The cop asked.
"YEAH," the gay guy cried obnoxiously.
"HEY!!!!" Shouted Darien tipsily, pointing at the frozen Serena being pulled outside. "Come on tube sock lady, can't you at least freeze her with the dress riding up? *hic*"
"Mr Mask, we can talk about your outstanding crimes involving minors later. For now we need to ask you a question."
"I ain't done anything! If you tryyy to prrooove anything I'll shove a fricken rose up your fricken ass!" Darien cried defensively.
"I don't mind" Crooned the gay dude.
"Calm down, Mr Mask no one is accusing you of anything," Said the Police cop.
"I just need to go the bath room," The showgirl said, politely excusing herself.
"Will you stop fricken calling me that I ain't that mask thing or what ever!" Darien suddenly yelled, toppling off his chair and onto the carpet.
"Yes you are, you big fat liar! It's like fricken Super man! When you put that lame mask and hat on him, he looks just like Tuxedo Mask!" The gay dude cried, kicking Darien in the stomach.
"Look," He said and he pulled out a tube of eyeliner. He used it to sketch a rough mask on Darien's face.
"Oh my god, you're right! The resemblance is uncanny!" The cop cried.
It was then that the showgirl returned from the toilet.
"Um, I dont know much about plumbing because I'm a girl, but… is it normal for toilets to be blocked with hundred dollar bills?" She asked innocently.
Darien gave a drunken cry of anguish and suddenly, with a strained creak, all the cupboards and shelves exploded, filling the lounge room with money, just like in the scene from the Harry Potter movie.
"Yay, I can finally afford a new pair of leopard skin trousers!" The gay guy cried.
"And I can finally afford to get my boobs done!" The showgirl shrieked, stuffing bills into the front of her corset.
"Hey, need I remind you that this money doesn't belong to you? Its…his…he's the one who stole it!" the cop said, casually pointing his gun at Darien.
Darien burst into tears.
"You dont understand how horrible my girlfriend is! All she does is scream and cry! Screaming in and out all day every day forever!"
"Then dump her!" The showgirl said angrily.
"I can't! If I dump her, my wonderful Rini shall never be born!" Darien howled.
"Huh?" All three of them said.
"Rini is the love of my life," Sniffed Darien.
"You're in love with your daughter?" The gay dude cried.
"Okay, that's just sick…" Said the showgirl.
"Well actually, he's not her real father," Tube sock, (who just happened to be from the future) said.
"What?" Everyone cried.
"Well think about it, Rini has Pink hair and red eyes, both Darien and Serena have blue eyes." Said Tube sock, sitting comfortably in a chair and looking as though this was very simple. "Serena has blonde hair, and Darien has black hair. Meanwhile, gay dude..." She trailed off.
Gay dude was outraged.
"I happen to be a flamboyant homosexual!!" He shrieked. "I am not the brat's father!"
But…as soon as he said it, he knew it was true.
"Oh shit, I am! Why me? Why am I stuck having sex with that Serena brat?" He cried into Darien's carpet.
"She's not really that bad…" Darien began.
"Oh curses, I am going to kill myself!" The gay dude cried. However he was distracted when the cop came in carrying a tray.
"Who wants hot chocolate?" He crooned.
"Me ME ME!" Both Darien and gay dude cried.
*
Meanwhile Serena's friends were worried because of Serena's absence, so they took ten minutes transforming into Sailor scouts and ran over to Darien's place, even though they had no clue where to find her. For all they knew she could have been sleeping on the couch at home, but anyway...
They burst in, to find a very drunk Darien and Gay dude playing Twister in their underpants while several police officers collected the stolen money.
The cop immediately seized the five, six or three? Huh - never mind, scouts, and bound them up in handcuffs.
"You little ladies are accessories to crime. The drunk has been telling us a very interesting story. Apparently he was driven to robbing the state bank by his insane girlfriend and her meglomanical friends" The cop said.
"But all Serena wanted was an ice-cream!" Amy protested
So they just stood there making panting noises trying to escape when they could have just used some sailor attack, but then again it would have taken ten minutes, so anyway…
"This Serena person, is she some kind of ...ice cream...maniac?"
" Well she's a maniac, period. She talks to cats and thinks she's the queen of the freaking universe." The showgirl said helpfully.
"Look, we didn't do anything wrong! Tuxedo mask has a history of being an ass hole!" Cried Sailor Jupiter.
"Yeah its true!" Darien laughed, before falling over while trying to reach for red foot.
"Even though we love him and we want to screw him and...I'll shut up now..." Said Mars going red.
"Alright girls, its quite common for innocent young ladies to be lured into the ring of a pedophile with fancy gifts and clothes, we dont blame you." The cop said soothingly, because the girls were just so cute and innocent looking.
Then he looked furiously at Darien.
"Cake him away, Toys!" he cried, ripping off the Simpsons, and Darien was hauled away while he laughed hysterically.
"Yay, I'm going to be someone's butt monkey!" He cried and the gay dude smiled an evil smile
"With Gayseedo mask gone, Serena will be destroyed!" he laughed.
"Oh no!" Said Amy. "Without Tuxedo mask, We are doomed for sure!"
"Yes, we can't defend ourselves," Said Mina. "Everytime we're about to die he comes and rescues us"
"Ahh maskie.." Said Jupiter. "He looks kinda like my old boyfriend."
"Your boyfriend wore a stupid mask, a tophat and a cape?"
"...er...no.."
Darien was currently enjoying what all you little kiddies know as being hot chocolate.
Have you ever wondered why all they drink on Sailor moon is chocolate?
That's because it's really Vodka mixed with Gin! No wonder Serena giggles so much!
Anyway, Darien was in his apartment, drinking his erm… hot chocolate, which just happens to be flammable, when the doorbell rang. Darien thought that perhaps he had drunk a little too much "hot chocolate" because he currently looked like a hideous drunken wreck.
"Are you sure he's even home?" Asked the Will Smith/Chief Wiggum cop as the showgirl draped an arm over his shoulder.
"He has to be, every one knows that Tuxedo Mask spends all night drinking his "hot chocolate" because his girl friend's such high maintenance." The gay guy said knowledgeably.
"How did you know that?" Tube sock asked.
"Unlike some of you, I actually watch the television series." He said smugly, and much to their surprise, the door fell off its hinges.
Darien saw them at the door, burst out laughing, and said:
"HEYA what's upwoityh alllll the NIIIICCCEEE people!" Before he grabbed the gay guy around the neck.
"Jusst.. *hick*..just so you knooooww I love you! Come gimme a huggg!" He cried.
The gay guy, suddenly remembering how brutally hot Darien is, this is fourth season Darien, not stupid third season Darien who was a gay and glorified babysitter, looked absolutely smitten.
"Do you want to go shag?" The gay guy asked Darien enthusiastically.
"There will be time for shagging later, first we have to make some enquires," The cop said, stroking his suddenly fat belly.
"SHAG!?" Yelled Serena coming wearing a soiled dress from behind the couch. "You told me I was the only one for you!"
Darien hiccoughed and laughed.
"Darien it's our destiny!" She cried, wetting her top and making it all see through, (How realistic to the show is this!?) "Don't forget about me!"
"Miss, you do realize you're only fourteen and therefore a minor?" The police officer pointed out, but Serena was too busy running around screaming.
"He made love to me!" Yelled Serena with her annoying voice, tugging on the police dude's shirt. "HE SAID HE LOVED ME!"
"That's a form of pedophilia, miss." The cop pointed out, sternly.
"Yeahh well that'z because I'm drinkin' this stuff" Said Darien tipsily. "I can't staaaand you if I'm soberrr. Imagine screewing a lil school girl *hic* who kept giiiggling everytime you got your *hic* beast out."
At that Serena started screaming and crying and running around the room again.
"Every one just shut up, you're all acting like idiots!" Yelled the showgirl. "And some one, stick that drunk's head into a bucket of water!"
She kicked Serena in the stomach and for once, being sensible she stopped crying. Everyone looked at the showgirl very shocked.
"You, the idiot in the tube sock! Get that screaming brat out of here! She's way too young to be raped by an alcoholic!" She cried.
Feeling very guilty, Tube sock used her magic powers to make Serena freeze. She also put a bandage around Serena's eyes so she couldn't evoke any crying powers, and dragged her out of the apartment.
"Thank God she's gone!" The cop cried, not realizing that tube sock had godlike powers.
"Now, Mr … er… Mask. You do realize you've been accused of a very serious crime?" The cop asked.
"YEAH," the gay guy cried obnoxiously.
"HEY!!!!" Shouted Darien tipsily, pointing at the frozen Serena being pulled outside. "Come on tube sock lady, can't you at least freeze her with the dress riding up? *hic*"
"Mr Mask, we can talk about your outstanding crimes involving minors later. For now we need to ask you a question."
"I ain't done anything! If you tryyy to prrooove anything I'll shove a fricken rose up your fricken ass!" Darien cried defensively.
"I don't mind" Crooned the gay dude.
"Calm down, Mr Mask no one is accusing you of anything," Said the Police cop.
"I just need to go the bath room," The showgirl said, politely excusing herself.
"Will you stop fricken calling me that I ain't that mask thing or what ever!" Darien suddenly yelled, toppling off his chair and onto the carpet.
"Yes you are, you big fat liar! It's like fricken Super man! When you put that lame mask and hat on him, he looks just like Tuxedo Mask!" The gay dude cried, kicking Darien in the stomach.
"Look," He said and he pulled out a tube of eyeliner. He used it to sketch a rough mask on Darien's face.
"Oh my god, you're right! The resemblance is uncanny!" The cop cried.
It was then that the showgirl returned from the toilet.
"Um, I dont know much about plumbing because I'm a girl, but… is it normal for toilets to be blocked with hundred dollar bills?" She asked innocently.
Darien gave a drunken cry of anguish and suddenly, with a strained creak, all the cupboards and shelves exploded, filling the lounge room with money, just like in the scene from the Harry Potter movie.
"Yay, I can finally afford a new pair of leopard skin trousers!" The gay guy cried.
"And I can finally afford to get my boobs done!" The showgirl shrieked, stuffing bills into the front of her corset.
"Hey, need I remind you that this money doesn't belong to you? Its…his…he's the one who stole it!" the cop said, casually pointing his gun at Darien.
Darien burst into tears.
"You dont understand how horrible my girlfriend is! All she does is scream and cry! Screaming in and out all day every day forever!"
"Then dump her!" The showgirl said angrily.
"I can't! If I dump her, my wonderful Rini shall never be born!" Darien howled.
"Huh?" All three of them said.
"Rini is the love of my life," Sniffed Darien.
"You're in love with your daughter?" The gay dude cried.
"Okay, that's just sick…" Said the showgirl.
"Well actually, he's not her real father," Tube sock, (who just happened to be from the future) said.
"What?" Everyone cried.
"Well think about it, Rini has Pink hair and red eyes, both Darien and Serena have blue eyes." Said Tube sock, sitting comfortably in a chair and looking as though this was very simple. "Serena has blonde hair, and Darien has black hair. Meanwhile, gay dude..." She trailed off.
Gay dude was outraged.
"I happen to be a flamboyant homosexual!!" He shrieked. "I am not the brat's father!"
But…as soon as he said it, he knew it was true.
"Oh shit, I am! Why me? Why am I stuck having sex with that Serena brat?" He cried into Darien's carpet.
"She's not really that bad…" Darien began.
"Oh curses, I am going to kill myself!" The gay dude cried. However he was distracted when the cop came in carrying a tray.
"Who wants hot chocolate?" He crooned.
"Me ME ME!" Both Darien and gay dude cried.
*
Meanwhile Serena's friends were worried because of Serena's absence, so they took ten minutes transforming into Sailor scouts and ran over to Darien's place, even though they had no clue where to find her. For all they knew she could have been sleeping on the couch at home, but anyway...
They burst in, to find a very drunk Darien and Gay dude playing Twister in their underpants while several police officers collected the stolen money.
The cop immediately seized the five, six or three? Huh - never mind, scouts, and bound them up in handcuffs.
"You little ladies are accessories to crime. The drunk has been telling us a very interesting story. Apparently he was driven to robbing the state bank by his insane girlfriend and her meglomanical friends" The cop said.
"But all Serena wanted was an ice-cream!" Amy protested
So they just stood there making panting noises trying to escape when they could have just used some sailor attack, but then again it would have taken ten minutes, so anyway…
"This Serena person, is she some kind of ...ice cream...maniac?"
" Well she's a maniac, period. She talks to cats and thinks she's the queen of the freaking universe." The showgirl said helpfully.
"Look, we didn't do anything wrong! Tuxedo mask has a history of being an ass hole!" Cried Sailor Jupiter.
"Yeah its true!" Darien laughed, before falling over while trying to reach for red foot.
"Even though we love him and we want to screw him and...I'll shut up now..." Said Mars going red.
"Alright girls, its quite common for innocent young ladies to be lured into the ring of a pedophile with fancy gifts and clothes, we dont blame you." The cop said soothingly, because the girls were just so cute and innocent looking.
Then he looked furiously at Darien.
"Cake him away, Toys!" he cried, ripping off the Simpsons, and Darien was hauled away while he laughed hysterically.
"Yay, I'm going to be someone's butt monkey!" He cried and the gay dude smiled an evil smile
"With Gayseedo mask gone, Serena will be destroyed!" he laughed.
"Oh no!" Said Amy. "Without Tuxedo mask, We are doomed for sure!"
"Yes, we can't defend ourselves," Said Mina. "Everytime we're about to die he comes and rescues us"
"Ahh maskie.." Said Jupiter. "He looks kinda like my old boyfriend."
"Your boyfriend wore a stupid mask, a tophat and a cape?"
"...er...no.."