Mark opened the door to Rogers room and stopped in the doorway. It was dark
although it was only 3 pm. The light was switched off and the curtains only
let a little shimmer of sunlight into the room, which made it possible to
see the silhouette of a young man sitting on the bed in the middle of the
room.
"Hey..Roger..want to talk?." No respond. No movement.
"You knew it would end this way.You knew it right from the beginning.." He stopped, taking a deep breath. "You knew that she'd... she'd ..."
"DIE?!" Roger had turned around.
Mark could see Roger's face in the light that fell in from the hall. It was red from crying, his eyes still filled with tears.
"That's what you wanted to say, didn't you?!" He turned back, staring at the wall. "I told you that I don't want to talk about this!"
Mark could hear in his voice that he'd start crying again, but before that Rogers voice rose once more.
"And now get out of my room! Leave me alone! I don't want to see anybody!!"
Without saying another word Mark closed the door and walked back into the living-room. He sat down on the sofa beside Collins, hearing Roger sobbing in his room.
"He isn't any better than he was yesterday."
Collins sighed. "I didn't think so anyways. He loved Mimi."
Mark nodded. "I know.where did Maureen, Joanne and Benny go?"
"Erm.Benny's gone back to the hotel and Maureen and Joanne went for a walk."
Mark nodded again. "I'm so worried about Roger.he lost April and now he's lost Mimi.I hope he won't harm himself."
Collins stared at Mark. "Do you really think he'd...I mean."
"I don't know..I'm not sure..but..is there anything that keeps him alive?"
"Mark! Of course there is! We're there!"
Mark stood up. "Sure,.but he doesn't love us the way he loved Mimi'n'April!"
He walked into the kitchen, took a glass of water and came back into the living-room. He leaned against the wall, the glass still in his hand.
"He talked with them about so much.he had real feelings for them, he loved them! It's hard to live without love..."
Collins sat up straight. "Do you live with 'love'? Do I?"
"Yes! You've got Angels love! It's still there...and I..I..don't need it as much as Roger does."
Mark closed his eyes. He did love somebody! He loved Roger.Roger was the most important person in his life.His best friend.and sometimes he thought it was more.much more...he had been lying awake for so many nights thinking about that, but there was no result. He drank some water. His eyes remained closed. There had been Mimi and April.Mark had been together with Maureen, he needed her, but more as a friend then as a lover. Now they were friends.just friends...and Mimi was gone. Suddenly he opened his eyes. What was he thinking there? Mimi was dead. Roger was spending all his time crying.and he thought about his chances? Usually Mark was a calm and warm-hearted person.since when did he think this way? He was ashamed.
"...Hey, Mark!.I'm talking to you!" Collins repeated the third time.
"What? Oh.erm.sorry.I've been.what did you say?"
"I asked you what we should do now!"
"Oh.I.well.I don't know if we can do anything at the moment." He walked away from the wall and sat down on the sofa again. He wasn't allowed to tell Roger anything about his feelings...he wasn't sure about them anyway.
Collins kept on talking. "Maybe you should talk to him again.try it."
Mark looked towards the door of Rogers room.
"Well.I guess we should give him some time." He went back into the kitchen to bring away the empty glass. In the last days.the days that passed.the days after Mimi's death, he had thought more about his and Rogers relationship. While Roger was with Mimi he had tried not to think about his feelings.but now... Again he wanted to kick himself in the ass for thinking this way. He returned.
"Erm.Mark, what are we gonna do today ? We can't stay here the whole day and wait.life goes on...maybe I should start working again. Remember? I've got a job! Although I don't want to leave Roger alone."
Mark dropped himself into an arm-chair. "If you want, you can go.I'll stay here."
"Okay...Mark...then.I'll go.sure that it's okay?"
Mark was lost in thoughts again. "Sure, go!"
"Okay, thanks!" Collins stood up, reached for his jacket and left.
An hour had passed. Collins was gone and Maureen and Joanne hadn't come back till now. Mark had been thinking the whole time. He was here. Alone with Roger. He wasn't sure whether he should talk to Roger. Would Roger listen? After Mimi's death he hadn't left his room.
'He has to talk about it.' Mark thought.
He stood up from the arm-chair and got a cup of warm tea from the kitchen.
Then he walked to Roger's room and knocked.
"Hey Roger.can I come in...?" Mark was afraid of his answer...he wanted Roger to feel better.not more not less.
"If you want to!" Rogers voice sounded angry but also whining.
Mark walked in and shut the door. Roger was still facing the wall of his room.
"Oh.I thought that you might want to ." No! Roger surely didn't want to talk!
"...want to.have something to drink?"
Roger didn't seem to feel any better. He only shook his head.
"C'mon Rog! You have to drink."
Mark kneeled down behind Roger on the bed and held the cup of tea in front of Roger.
"C'mon, just a little sip."
Roger turned around, knocked the cup of tea out of Marks hand and onto the bed.
"Stop behaving that way! I'm old enough to care for myself! Get it?.MOM!"
Mark stood up and walked out of the room without saying a word. It was impossible to talk with Roger! He went back into the kitchen and wiped some tea of his shirt. His hand was a little burned. Not much, but it did hurt. He held his hand under cold water. It felt good. Mark didn't know what to do now..Roger was so unhappy and he wanted to help him. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want Roger to be sad. And he was scared. Scared that Roger might be so unhappy with his life that he'd..he'd ..NO!
Roger wouldn't kill himself! He tried to oppress that thought. Mark knew that he wasn't able to live with out Roger being near him. No matter how near. He wouldn't mind if Roger never spoke a word to him. Just knowing Roger was there, knowing Roger was happy, would make Mark feel content. Mark went back into the living-room. He sat down on the ground and looked over to a shelf with a few old books. He grabbed one of them and started reading. Diving into this world of some lovers, fighting for their love, made him forget reality for a minute. But then, after reading about twenty pages, he realised that he had read this book about nine times. So he threw it onto the floor and watched it slide under a chair. He lost hisself in thoughts about Roger. He tried to imagine how it would be if he told him about his feelings. Were there feelings?
YES! Now he was sure. Within a second he was sure! He had loved Roger all the time! He needed Roger! He loved him! He thought about Roger's lips, his body, his smile, which he didn't get to see often. He saw Rogers green eyes, looking at him so angrily. What would Roger do? What would he do? What would he say? What would Roger...? What would his beloved Roger say? What? What? WHAT? By now Mark felt too many thoughts at once spin around in his head. He stopped thinking.
Empty.
His head was empty. No thoughts. Silence. No.he could hear Roger sobbing in his room again. An hour had past since Mark had been in his room. He didn't think. There was silence. Only Roger sobbing. Mark got up. He walked to Roger's room and stopped in front of Roger's door.
Silence.
Roger had stopped crying. Had he heard Mark walk towards his room? No, probably not. Mark started breathing heavily. What did he want to do know? Tell Roger about his feelings? No! Talk to him? No! But what? Mark turned around again, heading towards the living-room.
"Mark?" Roger's voice sounded subdued and whining. "Is it you Mark.? "
"Erm.yes. It's me Rog." Mark opened the door.
"Mark.it's so unfair..."
"I know Roger..."
Silence.
Mark hated it! He wanted to say something.but what?
"I.loved her so much.I needed her."
Mark remained silent, although hating it. Mark felt jealous. He had always felt jealous. He had always wanted Roger. But there had always been Mimi.
Silence.
Mark had sat down on Roger's bed, facing his Roger. Yes, his Roger. His, not Mimi's! He stared at Roger, while Roger continued talking.
"I..want her to come back..."
His Roger!
"I..can't live without her."
His Roger!
"I will always love her.."
Not Mimi's Roger!
"I don't know...what to do now.."
For ever his! Mimi will never come back. His!
"OH GOD I LOVE HER!" Roger shouted out while punching into his pillow.
"I LOVE HER AND I ALWAYS WILL!!! AND I THINK I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!"
Not his.
Mark felt as if Roger was punching into his stomach. He stood up again.
"I think it's better...to...l...leave you alone now.."
He left Roger's room.
Why? Why was he going so crazy? Why didn't he calm down like he always did? Why had he left, now that Roger was ready to talk with somebody? Why was he so jealous? Why didn't Roger love him?!
Mark felt that he would go crazy if he didn't do something. He went into the bath and splashed some cold water into his face. Then he decided to go for a walk. He had to get his head clear.
"Erm..Roger...I'm gonna go for a walk, but.I'll be back soon.so.erm.yah.see ya!"
This didn't interest Roger anyway, but he thought that he should know it.
Mark walked down the road thinking about Roger and nothing but Roger. What did he want anyway? If he'd tell Roger about his feelings, Roger'd push him away.
Wouldn't he? Maybe not? Shit! Of course he would. Mark walked around the block for about twentyfive times, then he thought that he had something figured out. It would probably be better to never tell Roger about his feelings. Never! He trotted back and quietly opened the door to his loft. He heard somebody cough and thought that it was probably Collins.
"Collins? Are ya there?"
"No Mark, It's me.Roger. The other's are still gone."
"Oh.You.you've left your room.?" Mark stared at Roger who was sitting on the sofa.
"Yes.I.erm.why did you leave?"
Roger drank some tea out of a cup that had been standing on the table.
"Oh.Rog...so you did drink something.at last."
A pathetic smile slid over Mark's lips. Everything he had figured out for himself suddenly seemed to break together. Roger looked at Mark a little angrily.
"You didn't answer my question!" He said, his voice rising.
Mark felt as if Roger knew everything. But he didn't...he couldn't!
"Well.I just wanted to go for a walk...I've spent the whole day here...you know."
"Oh.I see.." Roger sighed.
"You don't have to worry about me anyway, okay!"
"Erm...but Rog."
Mark watched every move that Roger made.
"Mark! Why can't you understand?."
Roger's muscular chest, moving slowly up and down.
".I don't want to talk."
His deep green eyes.
".I don't want you to act like my mother."
His muscular arms.
".you aren't my mother!."
The way he moved.
".and stop bothering me!."
His hands.
".why can't you leave me alone with my problems?."
Mark watched Roger's soft but masculine lips move while he was talking. Leave Roger alone? He would never leave him alone! He couldn't!
"Why, Roger? Because I don't want you to be unhappy!"
Roger's lips were shaking. Mark noticed that.
"I.I.loved Mimi! You don't know how I feel. Do you know how this is? To need somebody, want somebody, love somebody! And...how it is to know that it is impossible to see that person ever again! Do you know how it is to know that the person you love will never tell you that she loves you too?"
Mark repeated one and the same sentence again and again in his head. Yes I do! Roger I do! Tears filled his eyes.
"Mark.I hate my life! Since Mimi's gone I have nobody! Nobody!"
"Yes, you do Roger!!!" Mark shouted out.
He had enough of all this 'I love Mimi'! He was jealous! He loved Roger but he couldn't listen to Roger anymore. Roger had stopped talking and within a second there was silence again.
".Well.Who?" Roger was confused.
"Roger! How hard is this?! You've got me! And Collins!" Mark could feel the silence again. He could feel a silent scream creeping up his throat.
"Yes.I do..I do..." Roger whispered quietly.
Then he stood up and walked back into his room. He sobbed and Mark could hear him kick against something and then there was total silence.
Everything keeps on repeating, Mark thought. Maybe it would stop if I..but then.everything might stop.? His thoughts were disturbed by a knock on the door.
"Yeah?!" Mark went towards the door.
"It's me, Collins!"
"Oh....and me! Maureen.and.Joanne's here too!"
Mark opened the door.
"Hey." He didn't think he had to say more.
"Is Roger..." Maureen didn't have to finish the sentence.
Mark shook his head. "No.he.."
Mark wasn't in a mood of talking. He followed the others into the living- room.
"He what?" Maureen asked looking towards Rogers room.
"Erm.he's like always."
Hours past, then night broke in. The others went to bed, Mark remained sitting in the living-room, staring into a candle. A million thoughts circled in his head. He heard sobs out of the other's rooms, at night, when there was no possibility to ignore or even forget Mimi's death, everybody cried. Only Mark sat there, staring into the candle, not crying, not laughing, just thoughtful. He sat there for about ten minuets, listening to the sobs... After another ten minutes, he ignored the other sobs and concentrated on Rogers voice, repeating Mimi's name
again.and again.again.again.again.
Mark couldn't stand that.
He couldn't sit there and listen to Rogers heart, as it broke into two, couldn't listen to his soul scream within the silent sobs.
Mark stood up. Again, for the millionth time this day, he opened the door to Roger's room.
Roger laid there on his bed, his face pressed into the pillow. His body was shaking. With every sob he shivered more. Mark opened his mouth, willing to say something. He shut it again, after noticing how Roger had reacted to his words the whole day long. He decided, that it was time.to.NO!
Not now! The way Roger was lying there, helpless..lonely. He hadn't noticed Mark enter his room. Mark thought about leaving again, but after seeing how another sob made Roger shiver again, he sat down on Roger's bed and watched Roger's back move up and down while trying to breath smoothly. Mark leaned over Roger, he slowly lowered his body towards Roger's. He shivered too, when his chest touched Roger's back. For a second Roger twitched and Mark rose up quickly, thinking that everything was lost. He felt the room melt away, for a second he felt nothing, darkness, emptiness.
But Roger lay down and calmed down a little bit. He didn't shiver, he didn't sob. He lay there, didn't move, just like a kitten that was waiting for it's mother to lift it up. Mark didn't feel that shocked anymore, he lay back down on Roger's back.
Silence.
But this time, Mark didn't hate the silence. It felt good. Roger calmed down more and more. He stopped shaking, there were only a few sobs now and then. Mark let his hands slide between Roger's chest and the bed. He didn't feel Roger move, so he thought that it was okay for him. He pressed hisself against Roger, hoping that he would stop crying. He did. Mark sighed quietly, content with the situation.
"Mimi...?" Roger turned around, his body was still close to Mark's, who was now staring into Roger's green eyes. He could feel his own heart beat in his head. Could Roger feel it too? Mark's hands, one on the left and one on the right side of Roger's body, supported the whole weight of Mark's body, that lay close above Roger.
"Mimi..Mimi's dead, Mark..." Again tears flodded Roger's eyes, dark shaddows lay over them.
"I know Roger...I know..." Mark stared into the eyes and realised, that he was the shadow.
"She's dead,..yes.." Mark saw Roger's hands grip the blanket tightly.
He lay one of his hands on Roger's chest and lowered his face towards his. Why didn't Roger say something, show him whether that what he was doing was okay? Mark stared into the green eyes, Roger didn't move. Move Roger, say something...do something.. He didn't, so Mark lowered his face even closer to Roger's. His body lay on Roger's now. His lips were only inches always from Roger's. They touched. Mark could feel Roger's soft lips on his.
Kiss.
Silence.
Darkness.
Roger moved, he pushed Mark away. He rose up staring at Mark, his eyes opened wide. He wiped over his lips with his sleeve. Mark sat there, at the edge of the bed, staring at Roger, then looking away, scared and embarrassed.
"Are you nuts?!" Roger didn't cry anymore, he was far too shocked. "What's going on with you? Are you queer now, or what?"
Mark felt so bad. This had been to early..it shouldn't have happened now...it should have never happened.
"Sorry Rog,.it's just.I tried..I mean.."
Mark was sure that Roger hated him now.
"I'll go. Everything's okay now...I'll go.." Mark got up and ran out of the door.
Entering the living-room he saw Maureen and Joanne sit on the couch.
"What's going on there?" Maureen asked. "Everything okay? I heard Roger shout some weird stuff..."
"What?!...No.everything's okay...I.I've got to go!"
5:00 pm. Mark had been walking through New York since hours. He had been thinking again..and again nothing made sense..
Why did he do that?
Well, why..because Roger's eyes, his lips, his chin, his hair, his nose his chest, his back, everything was magical.. He needed Roger.. Mark spent the whole morning in town. In the afternoon it started to rain. He sat down in a café and listened to the rain-drops fall onto the roof, while drinking a cup of coffee.
"Hey Mark!"
Mark looked up.
"Benny..? What are you doing here?"
Benny sat down beside Mark.
"Alison wanted to go shopping, so I've got some time for myself." He said, sighing.
"She's starting to get boring.." Benny added, grinning evily.
Mark tried to smile. It didn't work.
"What's going on at home? Is Roger feeling better?"
Roger! This name made Mark startle. No, Roger isn't okay..he's sad.and angry...
"No,..he still spends his time alone in his room..." Mark thought he would start crying, but he didn't. Not yet..he hadn't cried when he was in Roger's room, because he had to be strong for Roger, at night in New York, he hadn't cried either, but now he had to talk about Roger...
"And what about the others? Are they okay?"
"Yeah..."
Benny got up.
"Sorry Mark, but I've got to do something for Cyber Arts...Mr. Grey asked me to check the building site."
"O.okay.." Mark stared into his cup.
"Is everything okay with you?" Benny asked, while getting up for leaving.
"Yeah, sure..." Mark said and forced himself to smile.
"Okay then,..tell the others I said 'Hi!" Benny smiled and left.
Mark's smile faded and tears ran out of his eyes. He couldn't hold them back any much longer. He wiped them away with his sleeve. With a sudden the picture of Roger wiping over his lips appeared in front of his eyes. This wasn't very helpful. He got up and left the café.
He wondered through the streets, until the silence around him was broken by a loud thunder. Within a few minuets it started raining. For half an hour Mark didn't care and kept on walking, not bothered by the rain soaking his clothes. But after the thunder and the lightning became louder and brighter, he decided to go home. It was dark, as if the next night had already broken in although it was only afternoon. Mark walked up the stairs. Now Mark realised how scared he was. Scared of Roger's reaction and scared about what the others would say. Had they heard Roger call him 'queer'?
Collins was gay, sure...but that was normal ...Mark was supposed to be straight. He's always been straight..but there shouldn't be a problem with the others, should there..?
He opened the door.
Everything was dark, nobody was there. Maybe Roger was, but he was to scared of having a look inside Rog's room. He sat down and looked out of the window. He watched the silver lightning tare the black sky apart. The wind changed its direction. The raindrops hit against the window. He watched the people on the road run, looking for shelter. He must have been sitting there for hours.
"Mark.."
He felt as if one of the silver lightnings had hit his heart. He turned around. He couldn't look at Roger. But then he did. Roger stood there, his face wasn't red from crying anymore, his green eyes lit up whenever the light of a lightning flashed through the room. His lips were as soft as they were the night before and imagining that he had kissed them, made Mark shiver again and his heart started beating wildly. He continued looking at Roger. Roger had taken off the shirt. Mark looked at Roger's tanned skin, but looked away after noticing that Roger stared back.
"Were are the others?" Mark stopped. He couldn't talk..he would start crying immediately and then Roger would think that he was really queer...but he was, wasn't he? So what was his problem?
"They've gone for a walk.." He looked at Mark and saw the frightened look on his face.
"I didn't tell them anything.."
"Oh.okay.I.because of yesterday.I." Mark felt his heart beat even more than before.
"It's okay Mark,..I was just very hesitated. You know, Mimi's dead." He wiped the tears out of his eyes before they could run out of them. "I thought about you all day Mark.I don't know what you want?"
"I.I...don't know either.I."
Yes you do, Mark.damn.you do.
"Mimi's dead and I don't know whether this would be okay..it wouldn't.."
Mark looked up.
"Would you want it?"
"Want what?!" Roger looked up too, right into Mark's eyes.
"Erm.I.." Mark took a deep breath. He moved close to Roger. "I.love you"
A flash of lightning lit up the room. Mark's heart was on fire. Maybe this was the answer to his questions.? He repeated it, self-assures and embarrassed at the same time.
"I love you Roger!"
Although he was scared, Mark took Roger's hand.
Roger's face showed no expression. Mark placed the other hand on Roger's back, he loved Roger's back..and he loved Roger. He pulled Roger closer to hisself and Roger didn't do anything to stop him.
Mark was quite sure that Roger knew what he wanted to do. Mark felt Roger's body again, so close to his..he looked at Roger and then kissed him.
This time Roger didn't push him away. Mark laid both hands onto Roger's back and pressed him even closer towards hisself. Mark's lips separated from Roger's he looked at his beloved.
Roger smiled.
He placed his own hands on Mark's chest.
"I.love you too.." He whispered into Mark's ear.
The two of them sat down on the couch and kissed each other gently, while Collins, Maureen and Joanne closed the door to the apartment again. They had decided to lengthen their walk.
THE END
Authors Note: First of all a big thank you to MimiDavis, who helped me with the spelling! And I'd be glad if some of you mail me and tell me whether you liked the Story! ;)
"Hey..Roger..want to talk?." No respond. No movement.
"You knew it would end this way.You knew it right from the beginning.." He stopped, taking a deep breath. "You knew that she'd... she'd ..."
"DIE?!" Roger had turned around.
Mark could see Roger's face in the light that fell in from the hall. It was red from crying, his eyes still filled with tears.
"That's what you wanted to say, didn't you?!" He turned back, staring at the wall. "I told you that I don't want to talk about this!"
Mark could hear in his voice that he'd start crying again, but before that Rogers voice rose once more.
"And now get out of my room! Leave me alone! I don't want to see anybody!!"
Without saying another word Mark closed the door and walked back into the living-room. He sat down on the sofa beside Collins, hearing Roger sobbing in his room.
"He isn't any better than he was yesterday."
Collins sighed. "I didn't think so anyways. He loved Mimi."
Mark nodded. "I know.where did Maureen, Joanne and Benny go?"
"Erm.Benny's gone back to the hotel and Maureen and Joanne went for a walk."
Mark nodded again. "I'm so worried about Roger.he lost April and now he's lost Mimi.I hope he won't harm himself."
Collins stared at Mark. "Do you really think he'd...I mean."
"I don't know..I'm not sure..but..is there anything that keeps him alive?"
"Mark! Of course there is! We're there!"
Mark stood up. "Sure,.but he doesn't love us the way he loved Mimi'n'April!"
He walked into the kitchen, took a glass of water and came back into the living-room. He leaned against the wall, the glass still in his hand.
"He talked with them about so much.he had real feelings for them, he loved them! It's hard to live without love..."
Collins sat up straight. "Do you live with 'love'? Do I?"
"Yes! You've got Angels love! It's still there...and I..I..don't need it as much as Roger does."
Mark closed his eyes. He did love somebody! He loved Roger.Roger was the most important person in his life.His best friend.and sometimes he thought it was more.much more...he had been lying awake for so many nights thinking about that, but there was no result. He drank some water. His eyes remained closed. There had been Mimi and April.Mark had been together with Maureen, he needed her, but more as a friend then as a lover. Now they were friends.just friends...and Mimi was gone. Suddenly he opened his eyes. What was he thinking there? Mimi was dead. Roger was spending all his time crying.and he thought about his chances? Usually Mark was a calm and warm-hearted person.since when did he think this way? He was ashamed.
"...Hey, Mark!.I'm talking to you!" Collins repeated the third time.
"What? Oh.erm.sorry.I've been.what did you say?"
"I asked you what we should do now!"
"Oh.I.well.I don't know if we can do anything at the moment." He walked away from the wall and sat down on the sofa again. He wasn't allowed to tell Roger anything about his feelings...he wasn't sure about them anyway.
Collins kept on talking. "Maybe you should talk to him again.try it."
Mark looked towards the door of Rogers room.
"Well.I guess we should give him some time." He went back into the kitchen to bring away the empty glass. In the last days.the days that passed.the days after Mimi's death, he had thought more about his and Rogers relationship. While Roger was with Mimi he had tried not to think about his feelings.but now... Again he wanted to kick himself in the ass for thinking this way. He returned.
"Erm.Mark, what are we gonna do today ? We can't stay here the whole day and wait.life goes on...maybe I should start working again. Remember? I've got a job! Although I don't want to leave Roger alone."
Mark dropped himself into an arm-chair. "If you want, you can go.I'll stay here."
"Okay...Mark...then.I'll go.sure that it's okay?"
Mark was lost in thoughts again. "Sure, go!"
"Okay, thanks!" Collins stood up, reached for his jacket and left.
An hour had passed. Collins was gone and Maureen and Joanne hadn't come back till now. Mark had been thinking the whole time. He was here. Alone with Roger. He wasn't sure whether he should talk to Roger. Would Roger listen? After Mimi's death he hadn't left his room.
'He has to talk about it.' Mark thought.
He stood up from the arm-chair and got a cup of warm tea from the kitchen.
Then he walked to Roger's room and knocked.
"Hey Roger.can I come in...?" Mark was afraid of his answer...he wanted Roger to feel better.not more not less.
"If you want to!" Rogers voice sounded angry but also whining.
Mark walked in and shut the door. Roger was still facing the wall of his room.
"Oh.I thought that you might want to ." No! Roger surely didn't want to talk!
"...want to.have something to drink?"
Roger didn't seem to feel any better. He only shook his head.
"C'mon Rog! You have to drink."
Mark kneeled down behind Roger on the bed and held the cup of tea in front of Roger.
"C'mon, just a little sip."
Roger turned around, knocked the cup of tea out of Marks hand and onto the bed.
"Stop behaving that way! I'm old enough to care for myself! Get it?.MOM!"
Mark stood up and walked out of the room without saying a word. It was impossible to talk with Roger! He went back into the kitchen and wiped some tea of his shirt. His hand was a little burned. Not much, but it did hurt. He held his hand under cold water. It felt good. Mark didn't know what to do now..Roger was so unhappy and he wanted to help him. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want Roger to be sad. And he was scared. Scared that Roger might be so unhappy with his life that he'd..he'd ..NO!
Roger wouldn't kill himself! He tried to oppress that thought. Mark knew that he wasn't able to live with out Roger being near him. No matter how near. He wouldn't mind if Roger never spoke a word to him. Just knowing Roger was there, knowing Roger was happy, would make Mark feel content. Mark went back into the living-room. He sat down on the ground and looked over to a shelf with a few old books. He grabbed one of them and started reading. Diving into this world of some lovers, fighting for their love, made him forget reality for a minute. But then, after reading about twenty pages, he realised that he had read this book about nine times. So he threw it onto the floor and watched it slide under a chair. He lost hisself in thoughts about Roger. He tried to imagine how it would be if he told him about his feelings. Were there feelings?
YES! Now he was sure. Within a second he was sure! He had loved Roger all the time! He needed Roger! He loved him! He thought about Roger's lips, his body, his smile, which he didn't get to see often. He saw Rogers green eyes, looking at him so angrily. What would Roger do? What would he do? What would he say? What would Roger...? What would his beloved Roger say? What? What? WHAT? By now Mark felt too many thoughts at once spin around in his head. He stopped thinking.
Empty.
His head was empty. No thoughts. Silence. No.he could hear Roger sobbing in his room again. An hour had past since Mark had been in his room. He didn't think. There was silence. Only Roger sobbing. Mark got up. He walked to Roger's room and stopped in front of Roger's door.
Silence.
Roger had stopped crying. Had he heard Mark walk towards his room? No, probably not. Mark started breathing heavily. What did he want to do know? Tell Roger about his feelings? No! Talk to him? No! But what? Mark turned around again, heading towards the living-room.
"Mark?" Roger's voice sounded subdued and whining. "Is it you Mark.? "
"Erm.yes. It's me Rog." Mark opened the door.
"Mark.it's so unfair..."
"I know Roger..."
Silence.
Mark hated it! He wanted to say something.but what?
"I.loved her so much.I needed her."
Mark remained silent, although hating it. Mark felt jealous. He had always felt jealous. He had always wanted Roger. But there had always been Mimi.
Silence.
Mark had sat down on Roger's bed, facing his Roger. Yes, his Roger. His, not Mimi's! He stared at Roger, while Roger continued talking.
"I..want her to come back..."
His Roger!
"I..can't live without her."
His Roger!
"I will always love her.."
Not Mimi's Roger!
"I don't know...what to do now.."
For ever his! Mimi will never come back. His!
"OH GOD I LOVE HER!" Roger shouted out while punching into his pillow.
"I LOVE HER AND I ALWAYS WILL!!! AND I THINK I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!"
Not his.
Mark felt as if Roger was punching into his stomach. He stood up again.
"I think it's better...to...l...leave you alone now.."
He left Roger's room.
Why? Why was he going so crazy? Why didn't he calm down like he always did? Why had he left, now that Roger was ready to talk with somebody? Why was he so jealous? Why didn't Roger love him?!
Mark felt that he would go crazy if he didn't do something. He went into the bath and splashed some cold water into his face. Then he decided to go for a walk. He had to get his head clear.
"Erm..Roger...I'm gonna go for a walk, but.I'll be back soon.so.erm.yah.see ya!"
This didn't interest Roger anyway, but he thought that he should know it.
Mark walked down the road thinking about Roger and nothing but Roger. What did he want anyway? If he'd tell Roger about his feelings, Roger'd push him away.
Wouldn't he? Maybe not? Shit! Of course he would. Mark walked around the block for about twentyfive times, then he thought that he had something figured out. It would probably be better to never tell Roger about his feelings. Never! He trotted back and quietly opened the door to his loft. He heard somebody cough and thought that it was probably Collins.
"Collins? Are ya there?"
"No Mark, It's me.Roger. The other's are still gone."
"Oh.You.you've left your room.?" Mark stared at Roger who was sitting on the sofa.
"Yes.I.erm.why did you leave?"
Roger drank some tea out of a cup that had been standing on the table.
"Oh.Rog...so you did drink something.at last."
A pathetic smile slid over Mark's lips. Everything he had figured out for himself suddenly seemed to break together. Roger looked at Mark a little angrily.
"You didn't answer my question!" He said, his voice rising.
Mark felt as if Roger knew everything. But he didn't...he couldn't!
"Well.I just wanted to go for a walk...I've spent the whole day here...you know."
"Oh.I see.." Roger sighed.
"You don't have to worry about me anyway, okay!"
"Erm...but Rog."
Mark watched every move that Roger made.
"Mark! Why can't you understand?."
Roger's muscular chest, moving slowly up and down.
".I don't want to talk."
His deep green eyes.
".I don't want you to act like my mother."
His muscular arms.
".you aren't my mother!."
The way he moved.
".and stop bothering me!."
His hands.
".why can't you leave me alone with my problems?."
Mark watched Roger's soft but masculine lips move while he was talking. Leave Roger alone? He would never leave him alone! He couldn't!
"Why, Roger? Because I don't want you to be unhappy!"
Roger's lips were shaking. Mark noticed that.
"I.I.loved Mimi! You don't know how I feel. Do you know how this is? To need somebody, want somebody, love somebody! And...how it is to know that it is impossible to see that person ever again! Do you know how it is to know that the person you love will never tell you that she loves you too?"
Mark repeated one and the same sentence again and again in his head. Yes I do! Roger I do! Tears filled his eyes.
"Mark.I hate my life! Since Mimi's gone I have nobody! Nobody!"
"Yes, you do Roger!!!" Mark shouted out.
He had enough of all this 'I love Mimi'! He was jealous! He loved Roger but he couldn't listen to Roger anymore. Roger had stopped talking and within a second there was silence again.
".Well.Who?" Roger was confused.
"Roger! How hard is this?! You've got me! And Collins!" Mark could feel the silence again. He could feel a silent scream creeping up his throat.
"Yes.I do..I do..." Roger whispered quietly.
Then he stood up and walked back into his room. He sobbed and Mark could hear him kick against something and then there was total silence.
Everything keeps on repeating, Mark thought. Maybe it would stop if I..but then.everything might stop.? His thoughts were disturbed by a knock on the door.
"Yeah?!" Mark went towards the door.
"It's me, Collins!"
"Oh....and me! Maureen.and.Joanne's here too!"
Mark opened the door.
"Hey." He didn't think he had to say more.
"Is Roger..." Maureen didn't have to finish the sentence.
Mark shook his head. "No.he.."
Mark wasn't in a mood of talking. He followed the others into the living- room.
"He what?" Maureen asked looking towards Rogers room.
"Erm.he's like always."
Hours past, then night broke in. The others went to bed, Mark remained sitting in the living-room, staring into a candle. A million thoughts circled in his head. He heard sobs out of the other's rooms, at night, when there was no possibility to ignore or even forget Mimi's death, everybody cried. Only Mark sat there, staring into the candle, not crying, not laughing, just thoughtful. He sat there for about ten minuets, listening to the sobs... After another ten minutes, he ignored the other sobs and concentrated on Rogers voice, repeating Mimi's name
again.and again.again.again.again.
Mark couldn't stand that.
He couldn't sit there and listen to Rogers heart, as it broke into two, couldn't listen to his soul scream within the silent sobs.
Mark stood up. Again, for the millionth time this day, he opened the door to Roger's room.
Roger laid there on his bed, his face pressed into the pillow. His body was shaking. With every sob he shivered more. Mark opened his mouth, willing to say something. He shut it again, after noticing how Roger had reacted to his words the whole day long. He decided, that it was time.to.NO!
Not now! The way Roger was lying there, helpless..lonely. He hadn't noticed Mark enter his room. Mark thought about leaving again, but after seeing how another sob made Roger shiver again, he sat down on Roger's bed and watched Roger's back move up and down while trying to breath smoothly. Mark leaned over Roger, he slowly lowered his body towards Roger's. He shivered too, when his chest touched Roger's back. For a second Roger twitched and Mark rose up quickly, thinking that everything was lost. He felt the room melt away, for a second he felt nothing, darkness, emptiness.
But Roger lay down and calmed down a little bit. He didn't shiver, he didn't sob. He lay there, didn't move, just like a kitten that was waiting for it's mother to lift it up. Mark didn't feel that shocked anymore, he lay back down on Roger's back.
Silence.
But this time, Mark didn't hate the silence. It felt good. Roger calmed down more and more. He stopped shaking, there were only a few sobs now and then. Mark let his hands slide between Roger's chest and the bed. He didn't feel Roger move, so he thought that it was okay for him. He pressed hisself against Roger, hoping that he would stop crying. He did. Mark sighed quietly, content with the situation.
"Mimi...?" Roger turned around, his body was still close to Mark's, who was now staring into Roger's green eyes. He could feel his own heart beat in his head. Could Roger feel it too? Mark's hands, one on the left and one on the right side of Roger's body, supported the whole weight of Mark's body, that lay close above Roger.
"Mimi..Mimi's dead, Mark..." Again tears flodded Roger's eyes, dark shaddows lay over them.
"I know Roger...I know..." Mark stared into the eyes and realised, that he was the shadow.
"She's dead,..yes.." Mark saw Roger's hands grip the blanket tightly.
He lay one of his hands on Roger's chest and lowered his face towards his. Why didn't Roger say something, show him whether that what he was doing was okay? Mark stared into the green eyes, Roger didn't move. Move Roger, say something...do something.. He didn't, so Mark lowered his face even closer to Roger's. His body lay on Roger's now. His lips were only inches always from Roger's. They touched. Mark could feel Roger's soft lips on his.
Kiss.
Silence.
Darkness.
Roger moved, he pushed Mark away. He rose up staring at Mark, his eyes opened wide. He wiped over his lips with his sleeve. Mark sat there, at the edge of the bed, staring at Roger, then looking away, scared and embarrassed.
"Are you nuts?!" Roger didn't cry anymore, he was far too shocked. "What's going on with you? Are you queer now, or what?"
Mark felt so bad. This had been to early..it shouldn't have happened now...it should have never happened.
"Sorry Rog,.it's just.I tried..I mean.."
Mark was sure that Roger hated him now.
"I'll go. Everything's okay now...I'll go.." Mark got up and ran out of the door.
Entering the living-room he saw Maureen and Joanne sit on the couch.
"What's going on there?" Maureen asked. "Everything okay? I heard Roger shout some weird stuff..."
"What?!...No.everything's okay...I.I've got to go!"
5:00 pm. Mark had been walking through New York since hours. He had been thinking again..and again nothing made sense..
Why did he do that?
Well, why..because Roger's eyes, his lips, his chin, his hair, his nose his chest, his back, everything was magical.. He needed Roger.. Mark spent the whole morning in town. In the afternoon it started to rain. He sat down in a café and listened to the rain-drops fall onto the roof, while drinking a cup of coffee.
"Hey Mark!"
Mark looked up.
"Benny..? What are you doing here?"
Benny sat down beside Mark.
"Alison wanted to go shopping, so I've got some time for myself." He said, sighing.
"She's starting to get boring.." Benny added, grinning evily.
Mark tried to smile. It didn't work.
"What's going on at home? Is Roger feeling better?"
Roger! This name made Mark startle. No, Roger isn't okay..he's sad.and angry...
"No,..he still spends his time alone in his room..." Mark thought he would start crying, but he didn't. Not yet..he hadn't cried when he was in Roger's room, because he had to be strong for Roger, at night in New York, he hadn't cried either, but now he had to talk about Roger...
"And what about the others? Are they okay?"
"Yeah..."
Benny got up.
"Sorry Mark, but I've got to do something for Cyber Arts...Mr. Grey asked me to check the building site."
"O.okay.." Mark stared into his cup.
"Is everything okay with you?" Benny asked, while getting up for leaving.
"Yeah, sure..." Mark said and forced himself to smile.
"Okay then,..tell the others I said 'Hi!" Benny smiled and left.
Mark's smile faded and tears ran out of his eyes. He couldn't hold them back any much longer. He wiped them away with his sleeve. With a sudden the picture of Roger wiping over his lips appeared in front of his eyes. This wasn't very helpful. He got up and left the café.
He wondered through the streets, until the silence around him was broken by a loud thunder. Within a few minuets it started raining. For half an hour Mark didn't care and kept on walking, not bothered by the rain soaking his clothes. But after the thunder and the lightning became louder and brighter, he decided to go home. It was dark, as if the next night had already broken in although it was only afternoon. Mark walked up the stairs. Now Mark realised how scared he was. Scared of Roger's reaction and scared about what the others would say. Had they heard Roger call him 'queer'?
Collins was gay, sure...but that was normal ...Mark was supposed to be straight. He's always been straight..but there shouldn't be a problem with the others, should there..?
He opened the door.
Everything was dark, nobody was there. Maybe Roger was, but he was to scared of having a look inside Rog's room. He sat down and looked out of the window. He watched the silver lightning tare the black sky apart. The wind changed its direction. The raindrops hit against the window. He watched the people on the road run, looking for shelter. He must have been sitting there for hours.
"Mark.."
He felt as if one of the silver lightnings had hit his heart. He turned around. He couldn't look at Roger. But then he did. Roger stood there, his face wasn't red from crying anymore, his green eyes lit up whenever the light of a lightning flashed through the room. His lips were as soft as they were the night before and imagining that he had kissed them, made Mark shiver again and his heart started beating wildly. He continued looking at Roger. Roger had taken off the shirt. Mark looked at Roger's tanned skin, but looked away after noticing that Roger stared back.
"Were are the others?" Mark stopped. He couldn't talk..he would start crying immediately and then Roger would think that he was really queer...but he was, wasn't he? So what was his problem?
"They've gone for a walk.." He looked at Mark and saw the frightened look on his face.
"I didn't tell them anything.."
"Oh.okay.I.because of yesterday.I." Mark felt his heart beat even more than before.
"It's okay Mark,..I was just very hesitated. You know, Mimi's dead." He wiped the tears out of his eyes before they could run out of them. "I thought about you all day Mark.I don't know what you want?"
"I.I...don't know either.I."
Yes you do, Mark.damn.you do.
"Mimi's dead and I don't know whether this would be okay..it wouldn't.."
Mark looked up.
"Would you want it?"
"Want what?!" Roger looked up too, right into Mark's eyes.
"Erm.I.." Mark took a deep breath. He moved close to Roger. "I.love you"
A flash of lightning lit up the room. Mark's heart was on fire. Maybe this was the answer to his questions.? He repeated it, self-assures and embarrassed at the same time.
"I love you Roger!"
Although he was scared, Mark took Roger's hand.
Roger's face showed no expression. Mark placed the other hand on Roger's back, he loved Roger's back..and he loved Roger. He pulled Roger closer to hisself and Roger didn't do anything to stop him.
Mark was quite sure that Roger knew what he wanted to do. Mark felt Roger's body again, so close to his..he looked at Roger and then kissed him.
This time Roger didn't push him away. Mark laid both hands onto Roger's back and pressed him even closer towards hisself. Mark's lips separated from Roger's he looked at his beloved.
Roger smiled.
He placed his own hands on Mark's chest.
"I.love you too.." He whispered into Mark's ear.
The two of them sat down on the couch and kissed each other gently, while Collins, Maureen and Joanne closed the door to the apartment again. They had decided to lengthen their walk.
THE END
Authors Note: First of all a big thank you to MimiDavis, who helped me with the spelling! And I'd be glad if some of you mail me and tell me whether you liked the Story! ;)