Landon... I'm pregnant.. I'm pregnant.. pregnant..
I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I had heard her loud and clear, but for some reason I felt the need to question..
"You're pregnant..?"
Jamie let out her second response with a sob.
"I'm pregnant Landon."
I couldn't stand seeing her cry like this, so I sat on the edge of the bed, and gathered her into my arms, and I held her tightly against me as she cried. I gently rocked her back and forth in my arms, and whispered against her hair
"Sssshhh.. baby, it's okay, ssh"
I just held her against me until she had calmed down a bit. She pulled slightly from my arms, and left her hands clutching my shoulders, as she looked up at me with a tear streaked face. She looked at me as if she wanted to say something, but she was holding back.. I think she would have started crying again had she tried to speak. I cradled her face in my hands, and lightly wiped the tears from her cheeks, and placed a gentle kiss against her forhead.
"Baby, everything is going to be okay, alright?"
I kissed her softly and placed my forhead to hers
"I promise you Jamie.. everything is going to be alright."
Then, at that moment, Jamie exploded, and said what I think she was holding back..
"Everything is NOT going to be okay Landon! I'm dying."
I hated to hear those words come from Jamie.. I tried my hardest to hold onto her, to believe that if I loved her enough.. God couldn't take her from me. It hurt so much to hear Jamie just say those words so bluntly... I slowly took my eyes off of her and looked down, trying to hold back the tears.
Jamie lifted my chin up gently with her fingers, and made me look her in the eyes..
"Landon, I'm going to die.. and now...now.."
She began to sob again, and sadly, she didn't have to finish her sentence. I knew what she was going to say. This baby didn't have a good chance of living either. Nobody knew exactly how long Jamie would live, but it would be quite a miracle if she lived longer than eight months. And the affects being pregnant would have on her already fragile health... I had this sickening feeling growing in the pit of my stomach, and I then realised that that night, I was so worried about hurting her.. about putting her in poorer health, and now, I was the reason that Jamie's life would probably be cut shorter.
I couldn't take it. I collapsed into Jamie's arms, and we both sat there holding eachother, and just sobbing together.
After a few minutes of just sitting there, holding Jamie, I realised what I needed to do.. Through all of Jamie's sickness, she was a rock for me. This was my turn to be there for her.
"Jamie?..Jamie?" I asked, as I pulled back slightly from her grasp.
Jamie just looked at me, still not able to speak.
I kissed her cheeks gently, lightly sucking the tears off of her face with my lips. I tried talking myself out of thinking this was so horrible. I tried to be calm, and I just thought to myself, "Jamie's having my baby..". I tried to forget as much as I could about her sickness. Maybe this was the miracle that I was asking for? I looked into Jamie's eyes, and I think she was surprised when she saw my mouth form a smile.
"Jamie, you're pregnant."
I leaned in and ever so gently pressed my lips to her forhead, and I whispered something I knew would reassure her..
"This is the Lord's plan for us. How can that make you sad?"
Then, Jamie finally spoke.
"I'm so scared Landon. I was never exactly okay with the thought of dying.. but, it was something I accepted, and something I could handle. Oh Landon.."
tears started dripping down Jamie's face once again.
"Landon... I can't handle the thought of taking our baby away from you."
"Oh baby.. We don't know what's going to happen. You promised me you'd always be with me Jamie, maybe this is God's way of making sure I know that you are."
I took Jamie into my arms once again, and I rocked her back and forth slowly, as I repeatedly kissed her head.
"Everything is going to be okay Jamie.. I promise you."
Jamie said nothing, but I heard her sigh, and it sounded like she was relieved. She really did trust in me. And I think she trusted that I would never lie to her, and that I would do everything in my power to keep our little family safe.
I then smiled to myself.
Our little family...
I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I had heard her loud and clear, but for some reason I felt the need to question..
"You're pregnant..?"
Jamie let out her second response with a sob.
"I'm pregnant Landon."
I couldn't stand seeing her cry like this, so I sat on the edge of the bed, and gathered her into my arms, and I held her tightly against me as she cried. I gently rocked her back and forth in my arms, and whispered against her hair
"Sssshhh.. baby, it's okay, ssh"
I just held her against me until she had calmed down a bit. She pulled slightly from my arms, and left her hands clutching my shoulders, as she looked up at me with a tear streaked face. She looked at me as if she wanted to say something, but she was holding back.. I think she would have started crying again had she tried to speak. I cradled her face in my hands, and lightly wiped the tears from her cheeks, and placed a gentle kiss against her forhead.
"Baby, everything is going to be okay, alright?"
I kissed her softly and placed my forhead to hers
"I promise you Jamie.. everything is going to be alright."
Then, at that moment, Jamie exploded, and said what I think she was holding back..
"Everything is NOT going to be okay Landon! I'm dying."
I hated to hear those words come from Jamie.. I tried my hardest to hold onto her, to believe that if I loved her enough.. God couldn't take her from me. It hurt so much to hear Jamie just say those words so bluntly... I slowly took my eyes off of her and looked down, trying to hold back the tears.
Jamie lifted my chin up gently with her fingers, and made me look her in the eyes..
"Landon, I'm going to die.. and now...now.."
She began to sob again, and sadly, she didn't have to finish her sentence. I knew what she was going to say. This baby didn't have a good chance of living either. Nobody knew exactly how long Jamie would live, but it would be quite a miracle if she lived longer than eight months. And the affects being pregnant would have on her already fragile health... I had this sickening feeling growing in the pit of my stomach, and I then realised that that night, I was so worried about hurting her.. about putting her in poorer health, and now, I was the reason that Jamie's life would probably be cut shorter.
I couldn't take it. I collapsed into Jamie's arms, and we both sat there holding eachother, and just sobbing together.
After a few minutes of just sitting there, holding Jamie, I realised what I needed to do.. Through all of Jamie's sickness, she was a rock for me. This was my turn to be there for her.
"Jamie?..Jamie?" I asked, as I pulled back slightly from her grasp.
Jamie just looked at me, still not able to speak.
I kissed her cheeks gently, lightly sucking the tears off of her face with my lips. I tried talking myself out of thinking this was so horrible. I tried to be calm, and I just thought to myself, "Jamie's having my baby..". I tried to forget as much as I could about her sickness. Maybe this was the miracle that I was asking for? I looked into Jamie's eyes, and I think she was surprised when she saw my mouth form a smile.
"Jamie, you're pregnant."
I leaned in and ever so gently pressed my lips to her forhead, and I whispered something I knew would reassure her..
"This is the Lord's plan for us. How can that make you sad?"
Then, Jamie finally spoke.
"I'm so scared Landon. I was never exactly okay with the thought of dying.. but, it was something I accepted, and something I could handle. Oh Landon.."
tears started dripping down Jamie's face once again.
"Landon... I can't handle the thought of taking our baby away from you."
"Oh baby.. We don't know what's going to happen. You promised me you'd always be with me Jamie, maybe this is God's way of making sure I know that you are."
I took Jamie into my arms once again, and I rocked her back and forth slowly, as I repeatedly kissed her head.
"Everything is going to be okay Jamie.. I promise you."
Jamie said nothing, but I heard her sigh, and it sounded like she was relieved. She really did trust in me. And I think she trusted that I would never lie to her, and that I would do everything in my power to keep our little family safe.
I then smiled to myself.
Our little family...