Rachel repressed the urge to chew her nails as she glanced around her bedroom. The two open suitcases lying on her bed served as a bittersweet reminder that she would soon trade the humdrum of daily life in Ohio for the bustling streets of New York City—if only for the summer. She'd been putting this off for three weeks, but her flight was tomorrow. Waiting was no longer an option. Still, no matter how hard she tried, Rachel couldn't bring herself to finish packing.
The NYADA Summer Youth Program. It was like a dream come true. When the announcement crossed Rachel's notice just before winter break, she had hardly believed her luck. Signing up was the only advisable option, even if it meant three months away from Finn.
Finn.
Even just thinking about his name brought fresh tears to Rachel's eyes.
The summer after her sophomore year had been the highlight of her young life because she finally had Finn. It was another dream come true. And, for a brief moment in time, it looked like Rachel could have it all. The career, the city, the stardom, and the boy. For once in her miserable struggle of a life, things were finally going right for Rachel Berry.
And then Finn had to ruin it.
The first breakup happened shortly after Rachel applied for the program, leaving her understandably devastated. No one enjoys getting dumped, but Rachel was certain that no one had ever experienced the heartbreak she'd endured following sectionals. Then there had been months of the whole will-they-won't-they nonsense even as Finn fell back into old habits with Quinn. Just when Rachel couldn't take it anymore, Jesse St. James came back to town like an off-white knight, reigniting Finn's interest in her. (She'd tried not to think about how Finn only seemed to want her when she wasn't available—almost as if he couldn't see how desirable she was until someone else was doing the desiring). Everything after that happened so fast: the prom, the fight, the funeral, Finn dumping Quinn, Nationals, the kiss.
And then the second Jesse was out of the picture, Finn lost interest.
Again.
Honestly, Rachel should have seen it coming, and NYADA couldn't have come at a better time. She needed the escape. Never had that fact been more obvious. A summer away from it all—the drama, the whispers, the Slushies. A summer away from Finn. She knew this. She knew it. But knowing and feeling are two entirely different things.
Hence the unpacked bags.
On one hand, leaving for the summer would give Rachel the space she needed to clear her head and kick the habit called Finn once and for all. She could focus on her dreams and her future and forget about the mess that had been her junior year. On the other, leaving meant admitting to herself that the relationship was really over. For good, this time. Leaving meant admitting that her feelings were nothing more than a silly schoolgirl crush. Leaving Ohio for the next three months meant leaving Finn behind forever. And Rachel wasn't sure if she was ready for that.
The tears were falling freely now as the remnants of Rachel's war-torn heart battled with her infallibly logical brain. She knew deep down that she'd never truly loved Finn, but the strength of her infatuation and the height of the pedestal she'd placed him on, combined with years of reinforcement, just made the situation all kinds of confusing. It was an internal conflict that kept her rooted to the spot where she stood—unable to move, unable to pack, unable to do anything but cry.
Rachel had cried a lot lately. She'd cried for the team's loss at Nationals, for her teammates' reactions to the kiss (most of them failing to recognize Finn as the instigator), and for her umpteenth breakup with Finn. Thinking back, it started at the funeral for Coach Sylvester's sister. That day, Rachel cried for the loss of a wonderful soul but also for an unidentifiable reason she hadn't been able to place until that very moment. Something about invisible string connecting two souls—an idea that plagued Rachel ever since. She cried because when she thought of who might be on the other side of her own string, the face that came to mind wasn't Finn. It was Jesse's, and kissing Finn at Nationals effectively severed that connection.
And, for that reason, Rachel cried the hardest.
Leaving Ohio also meant leaving the only place Jesse knew she would be. What if he came looking for her like he did before prom and she wasn't there? What if she missed an opportunity to run randomly into him somewhere like the Lima Bean? What if…? That was all Rachel ever thought about these days—what ifs? It was exhausting.
She knew she needed to take a chance at this point or she would always wonder "What If…"