DESPICABLE
Lisbon had left him. He was in pain. He thought it was probably pain well-deserved, after all the ways he had used & hurt her (regardless of whether he'd thought those actions had actually been for her own good). Visiting all the places where he had said painful goodbyes to her -where he felt most guilty - had been therapeutic, he thought. Surely he had no right to cry at her change of direction. He had never deserved her. Had no right to hope for a happy ending with the woman who occupied most of his thoughts & dreams…
and nightmares…
He still woke up in a cold sweat once in awhile, having dreamt of finding her body painted in blood. Or of getting a phone call from Abbott - or worse, Pike - informing him of her death in the line of duty (although he was pretty sure he had staved off that last possibility by leaving his phone on Abbott's desk before he'd taken off).
But here & now, the wind brushed his face with wild blonde curls, and the sound of the crashing waves was a temporary balm to his broken heart & soul. The ocean had always had a healing effect on him - even as a child. The carnival sometimes travelled to coastal towns (albeit to a different ocean than this one), and he'd always been drawn to the water. It centered his thoughts almost as well as a cup of tea, and had been his go-to in times of grief dating back to the loss of his mother.
But sunset would be here soon, and with it the reminder of possibly his most heinous move, where Lisbon was concerned. He stood, lost in the memory of baring his soul to her - because he had honestly meant every word when he told her how much she'd meant to him (how much she still meant to him). But what came next was the part that made him choke back shameful tears, and swallow down bile from the sinking spot in his stomach.
He could still see her green eyes sparkling back at him, questioning if the words he'd said, and the embrace they'd shared had been true. When he'd asked her to "wait here, I have a surprise for you!" she had looked so expectant. He'd known full-well how much it could have even looked like a proposal or something. She'd looked like she may have been pleased by that prospect - might have even agreed! But he'd used this most tender, most honest moment between them to con her into leaving him alone to find Red John.
He was so despicable. He was glad to be here on this night, to experience the coming sunset alone. She hadn't deserved it, but he surely did. Dark and alone. That's the life he had ahead of him now. He was glad of it, because after all he was a charlatan and a cheat, who deserved a life of pain.
Lisbon had always argued that he was a good man. But, he thought, without her eyes looking upon him, that good man didn't exist. She didn't realize that that good man was only the reflection of her light, shining through his many cracked & crumbled pieces. A good man would have been honest with her. If only he'd gone through with any of the dozens of plans he'd concocted to tell her his true feelings at any time during the past dozen years, then she may not have even had the chance to notice Marcus Pike.