After taking the pregnancy with Vic and deciding to throw it out, Carina had really just wanted to go home, but her conversation with the younger firefighter had convinced her to stay, to try to see her wife and maybe talk or even just connect for a brief moment, something that had not been happening recently.
She was aware that part of that was on her and that she had been pushing Maya away at points too, but like she told Vic, all she wanted was to matter and she knew that putting up firm boundaries about what she expected from her wife was how that was going to happen. It was clear, though, that that wasn't working particularly well, and while it hadn't even been two weeks since their fight on the roof, Carina could tell that how she was going about trying to get her wife to get help was not working.
She had been at the desk when she saw the aid car pull in and had gone to try to find her wife in the barn while on her way to check the supply closet in the back corner to make sure the vitals carts all had been charged and had boxes of thermometer covers in them.
She had had to take on a lot more responsibility at the clinic when Jack went MIA six months earlier, and she really was hoping that someone else would step up soon to help because if she really was pregnant, she knew she wasn't going to have the time or energy for all this housekeeping work that could easily be done by one of the firefighters instead of them watching TV or playing foosball for an hour.
She walked into the barn, smiling when she saw her wife get out of the aid car only to receive a look that she couldn't quite place from her wife that was somewhere between anger and sadness.
She walked into the barn further, her own face dropping as she walked past Ben who gave her a look of concern but said nothing. She had no idea why Maya was acting so angry at her, and she knew she wasn't actually angry.
Carina could read her wife like a book and she could see the pain and hurt behind her eyes, but all Maya would respond with was anger and Carina didn't have the energy for more anger from her wife. She knew all of this was hard for her to accept. She had been through this before with her brother and her father still refused to believe he had any type of mental illness so she knew what her wife was doing, but it didn't mean she liked it. She was scared for what would happen when the anger fell away and Maya was left with what was boiling underneath for so long and she hoped that when that time came, Maya would finally realize she needed help and accept it.
Taking inventory of the carts took her way longer than it should, her head filled with thoughts about her marriage and their future and the possibility of a baby growing inside of her right now.
Just as she was finishing up with the carts, she heard the trucks pulling out. She hadn't heard the alarm go off so she was confused, but she didn't think anything of it. She headed up stairs to the conference room, having some paperwork she needed to get done before going home. She considered just skipping it, but she knew if she did, she would just have to do it later in the week so she sat down at the desk to get it done. Almost an hour and a half later, she finally had everything done and cleaned up and was getting ready to go home.
She was mentally drained from the day and needed to be out of the station. She didn't particularly want to be at home either, the place filled with memories of happier times when Maya wasn't in a self-destructive spiral and was willing to communicate with her. Carina popped the last binder on the shelf before grabbing her bag that had been left in the room.
She walked out of the conference room, about to go down the stairs when she heard a noise coming from the other side of the stairs. She thought everyone was gone so it was odd but she thought about just ignoring it.
However, she did need someone to let Ben know to order more alcohol swabs and lancets and while she had left a note on the desk in the conference room, she knew he was bad at checking it so she decided to go see if whoever was still here would pass her message along.
As she turned the corner, however, the sight in front of her just about broke her. Her wife was there, kicking and punching the kickboxing bag harder than Carina had ever seen. The look in her eyes was filled with exhaustion and pain and anguish and it broke Carina. She also noticed that Maya's hands looked red and raw, even in her gloves and that there was tape sitting on the weight bench, a sure sign that Maya had somehow hurt herself. Carina could see the small expression changes whenever the blonde kicked the bag with her left foot which made Carina worry that she had hurt her bad ankle again.
She couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't continue to watch her wife self-destruct. She knew she couldn't force her to get help, but she knew that Maya often craved physical touch when she wasn't feeling her best and Carina had been denying her that for the past two weeks because she was frustrated and because Carina didn't like to be touched when she was upset, but seeing Maya like this, it made her decide that in this moment, her wife needed her more than Carina needed to protect herself.
The blonde stopped her rapid movements, out of breath and sweaty as she stood in the gym with her hands on her knees. Carina quickly walked into the space, the blonde righting herself at the sound of movement only to look away as soon as Carina walked in, moving toward the treadmill.
"I thought you went home," Maya said, her voice full of venom.
"I was on my way out," Carina sighed as Maya started the treadmill.
"Ok," Maya said, staring straight ahead.
"Everyone else left," Carina said, trying to strike up some kind of conversation.
"Yeah, they went to go rescue Jack from the hole in his sex buddy's house and his other bad choices," Maya said, speeding up a little bit, "Because, you know, that's what families do."
"You didn't go?" Carina questioned.
"Nope," Maya said, eyes still trained forward, "He's got his people. He made it clear to me that he is not interested in having me as part of that group so I see no reason to be there. It's not like the rest of the team needs me anyway."
Carina then did something she normally never would dream of doing. She reached over and quickly turned off the treadmill, causing Maya to stumble a little before giving her a dirty look.
"What the hell Carina," Maya said, trying to turn the machine back on only to have her wife walk over to the wall and unplug the entire machine.
"Carina," Maya said, anger bubbling when suddenly, her was blindsided by arms wrapping around her.
Immediately, the blonde started fighting, pushing her arms against her wife's chest in order to get her to move her away, but Carina held on tight, and Maya's arms were exhausted from her workouts.
"Carina," she said, trying one more time to push her off.
"It's ok Bambina," Carina said, pulling her tighter, "I'm here."
That was all it took. Carina hadn't called her Bambina in probably three months and hearing that nickname, something about it cracked Maya's resolve and before she knew what was going on, she started fully sobbing, going from pushing her away to clinging to Carina desperately, her knees buckling under her.
"It's ok," Carina said, carefully sinking them down to the dirty gym floor, never once breaking her hold on her wife as the blonde continued to sob, "It's ok. I'm right here. I am not going anywhere. I've got you."
Carina just sat there, Maya's tears not stopping or slowing down in the slightest. About half an hour after it started, Maya was still sobbing just as hard as she had been earlier when Carina heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Captain Beckett turned the corner, seeing the scene in the gym.
"What's the matter Bishop?" he snarled, "Too weak to keep running? I have paperwork that needs to be filed instead of you sitting her hugging your wife."
"Go to hell," Carina spat back, Maya not moving at all as she continued to cry, Carina guessing she had tuned out reality, "My wife is not your probie and she is not here to do your job because you are too incompetent to do so. She is an excellent firefighter and deserves the same respect as everyone else in the station."
"Wow Italy," Beckett said, "You are a piece of work. You could…"
"Get out of here now," Carina said, making sure not to yell, having no desire to trigger her wife more if she happened to actually be hearing what was happening, "Just go. Just let us be."
Beckett was going to say something else, but he heard the trucks coming back, walking away.
"Bambina," Carina said, rubbing her wife's back as the sobs continued, getting zero response.
She was getting worried because her wife was so out of it, but she also knew this was months or maybe years of pent-up emotions that were spilling out all over.
Carina heard the other firefighters coming up the steps, everyone talking and joking until the first of them, Andy, rounded the corner and saw the sight in the gym, a mix of fear and confusion on her face.
"What is…?" Travis said, coming up right after Andy.
"Nope," Vic said, remembering her conversation with Carina earlier and wondering if this had to do with that, "Everyone just keep walking."
"Thank you," Carina said, still holding her sobbing wife in her arms as Vic walked in.
"Is everything ok?" Vic asked quietly, "I mean, I know it's not but do you need anything?"
"Space," Carina said, looking down at Maya whose tears were maybe starting to taper off some but not much, "And can you turn off the lights?"
Vic nodded, leaving the room, turning off the lights and closing the door, the room now much darker than before.
"Bambina," Carina said, stroking Maya's sweaty hair, "It's ok. I am here. You are going to be ok. We are going to get through this."
Over the next hour, Maya's sobs eventually tapered into whimpers and then stopped all together though Carina couldn't tell if she was asleep or not by that point. She was sure, however, that everything from her ass down was asleep, being crushed by the pressure of her wife's body practically laying on top of them.
"Bambina," Carina said quietly after the tears has stopped, feeling her wife move under her hand in a way that told her she was awake, "Maya, I am right here, ok? I love you so much and I am right here."
"I think…" Maya said, not moving, voice raspy from the sobbing, "I think you were right…I think…I think I need help. I…I'm so tired Carina."
"I know, My Love," Carina said, her own tears that had been falling on and off springing back into her eyes, "I know. We will get you help, ok? It doesn't always have to feel like this."
"I'm just so tired of fighting," Maya said, remaining in her spot with her cheek resting on Carina's chest, "I'm so tired but I'm scared of what will happen if I stop fighting, but I don't think I can keep going alone. I can't do it anymore."
Carina felt her heart shatter when she heard this, but she tried to remain calm, determined to be there for her wife in this moment, knowing that it was so important to get Maya the help she needed.
"My Love, you are not alone," Carina said, pulling her closer, "I am right here."
"What if it's too late?" Maya said, "What if I can't be helped? Or what if it doesn't work? What if I am just someone who is meant to be broken and in chaos forever?"
"You aren't," Carina said, rubbing Maya's back as she pressed a kiss to the top of Maya's head, "You are not meant to live in chaos forever, I promise. I know it seems so impossible right now, but it can get better. It doesn't have to feel like this forever. We will get you the help you need, ok? I've got you. You can do this. I know you are exhausted, but you can do this. I know you can."
Maya nodded, clinging to Carina a little tighter.
"I just keep thinking about the clouds," Maya whispered, Carina feeling confused but staying quiet, "When I was younger, I always dreamed about just falling into the clouds and being able to rest and not have to work anymore and not have to…be anything anymore. To just disappear forever into their softness. The clouds went away for a while, but now, I think I just want to crawl into them."
Carina felt her heart pound and her stomach churn as she listened to her wife talk. She knew she needed to ask more questions for her safety, but it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room as Carina tried hard to take a deep breath without alarming Maya. She managed to do it, looking down at her wife for a moment before continuing.
"Bambina, do you do anything to try to get to the clouds?" Carina asked, doing everything in her power to keep her voice steady.
"I…" Maya started but stopped when the door to the gym opened and in walked Robert.
"Sullivan, go away," Carina said, both her and Maya wincing as the lights kicked on.
"This gym is open for everyone," he said, setting down his water bottle as he went over to grab some weights, "One person isn't allowed to claim it as their own space to have a little breakdown in or whatever the hell is going on here. You're welcome to stay, but I am going to work out."
Carina wanted to punch him square in the face. She needed her wife to be honest with her about her possible suicidal thoughts and instead, a man she despised decided to come in and be his usual horrible self.
"Come on Bambina," Carina said, trying hard not to fall as she stood up, dragging her wife with her, both of their legs pretty shaky after hours on the ground.
Maya just stayed buried in Carina's chest, the Italian rubbing her back for a minute before guiding her out of the gym. Had she not been supporting what felt like her wife's full weight, Carina would have slapped the smirk off Sullivan's face that she saw as they left the gym.
She wasn't totally sure where to go, knowing they probably needed to go home or maybe even to Grey Sloan depending on what Maya's answer to her question was, but for now, she decided Maya's bunk would have to do, noticing the limp her wife had as they made their way there. Luckily, the locker room was empty and they made their way into Maya's bunk quickly, Carina sitting them both on the bed, pulling Maya back into her lap as she leaned back against the headboard.
"Can you answer my question Bambina?" Carina asked, "Do you ever do anything to get to the clouds?"
"Not really," Maya said quietly, "But I don't do anything to prevent them either."
"What does that mean?" Carina asked, still not wanting to know these answers but knowing she needed them. "I'm not always careful like I should be," Maya shrugged, "And I have gone into scenes and not really thought about how I would get out of them. It's not a big deal."
"Maya, yes it is," Carina said, a bit more forcefully than she wanted, causing her wife to jump a little in her arms, "Sorry. I'm sorry, My Love. That is a big deal though. You being reckless with your life is a big deal. At least to me. Bambina, I need you safe and more importantly, I need you to need you safe. You matter Maya. I need you to see that and know that and believe that, ok?"
"I…I don't know if I can," Maya said, being painfully honest with her wife, "I…I don't know if it's true."
"It is true," Carina said, hugging her closer, "I promise you, it is true. You matter to me Bambina. And until you can matter to yourself again, please, just hold onto that. Please just hold on ok?"
Maya, for the first time in a long time, looked at Carina in the eyes, tears running down both their cheeks as she found her favorite pair of eyes again, nodding her head just a little bit. They both knew this road was going to be long and probably filled with ups and downs and fights and make ups, but in that moment, as their eyes met, the silently promised to do it together.
So what did you think? I am not 100% sure how I feel about this still, and I know this is not how things are going to play out in the show, but I think if Carina just hugged Maya and didn't let go, something like this would be the result. This season is so complex and I am 10000% here for Maya's mental health journey. I hope they just keep doing it justice. Everything that has happened so far has felt like it could actually happen (a refreshing change from last season...). I could probably write a book on Maya's mental health, but I will spare you my ramblings. I don't know if I will write more this season. It kinda depends on how things pan out and how I am feeling. Anyway, thank you for reading.