When I Fall
Disclaimer: If you recognize it then I don't own it.
A/N: For Whumptober 2022 #24 Fight, flight, or freeze- I don't want to do this anymore
Steve looked across the newly formed battlefield. It had been a city block until a fight had broken out between superheroes and highly armed villains. The Avengers had won but it had come at a cost. Rubble, destruction and lost lives were a poor prize for the victors. They had stopped the bad guys before they could cause more harm than what had already been done, but it still felt like a hollow victory. He was the leader, he had failed. He had done too little to late. He wrapped his arms around his middle trying to hold himself together. The pain was pulsing throughout him, inside and out.
During the war, he had seen towns leveled in a matter of hours as civilians fled their homes. It didn't matter to the victims what they had been fighting for because any fight had hurt them. They were not soldiers, they had not chosen war and they had not picked their homes to be the battlegrounds of armies. Sometimes people had seen them as liberators but sometimes they saw them as just another conqueror who didn't care about the little guy. His head swam as images of death and horrors of war overlapped in a sicking puzzle of then and now. His pained breath caught in his throat. He couldn't escape the eternal fight.
He felt like he had been fighting his whole life. Fighting bullies, Nazis, Hydra, aliens, villains it didn't really matter anymore. He didn't know how to stop fighting even if he thought he could. He had wanted so badly to do his part, to join the war. When he had said yes to the serum and when he first picked up the shield he hadn't realized what that really meant. Not that he regretted it, not when he had done so much good and could still help so many people. He never pictured himself here. In the future, everyone he's known grown or gone, still fighting. He had been frozen when the war was won, yet when he thawed he still had to fight. He had no rest, no victory, no comforts of home. He was alone, yet he fought with a new team.
"Hey, Cap, we're gonna go back to the tower and order food," Tony landed next to him. He struggled to bring the red and gold image into focus.
He looked up tiredly at the armor-clad form. "Shwarma?"
"Nah, I was thinking we needed to broaden your horizons some more." Nausea stirred restlessly in his aching stomach.
"Not tonight, Tony," Captain America knew he should go spend time with his team but Steve Rogers was tired and just wanted to go back to his dark, empty SHIELD apartment. He knew it was going to be a bad night for sleep, too many war memories had been stirred up yet still he wanted to go to his bed. His fingers itched to draw and his shot nerves craved the thought of silence. He felt bruised and sore from the battle. He felt wrung out inside from everything else.
Tony's intelligent dark eyes studied him before he shrugged nonchalantly, "Senor citizens need to get to bed early," He turned away with a half-hearted wave over his shoulder. Tony's face was merging with his father's in a dizzying kaleidoscope of colors he struggled to blink away.
Steve's body deflated in defeat. He felt like he had just failed a test. Tony had held out an olive branch and Steve hadn't accepted it. The team worked on the battlefield, when the world was in danger, but was still iffy when the masks were supposed to be off. Too many loners and strong personalities trying to force themselves into the Avengers. Captain America and Iron Man worked together much better than Steve and Tony. Too much had been said or perhaps left unsaid between the pair, with the shadow of a dead man they had both known hanging over them. Steve didn't know what kind of father his friend Howard had become but based on what Tony had said and he had seen it hadn't been a good one. Steve didn't know how to address the problem let alone begin to fix it.
Captain America followed slowly behind his team for their debriefing. He reported the mission in as emotionless and concise words as quickly as he felt he could get away with. Without Thor, who was still in Asgard, they were down a heavy hitter and their performance had taken a hit. The rest of the team was dismissed while their leader had been asked to stay behind for further debriefing. He watched the team limp out to go to medical and then Stark Tower. He accepted the responsibility as team leader, already mentally strategizing ways to do better next time. It was his job to put his people where they could do the most good without sacrificing them. He had to do better next time if he wanted all of them to walk away from the fight in one piece.
Clint ambushed him outside the meeting room, keeping pace with him as he headed for the exit, "Hey Cap, Stark said to meet at his place for free food."
"I can't tonight Clint, I have some things to go over," Steve tried to brush him off gently. He didn't have the energy to argue. His head was pounding behind his eyes. He just wanted to be alone.
"It can wait until tomorrow, Cap," Natasha spirited into being on his other side. She tried to glare him into submission with a disapproving look. Steve had a lot of respect for women, but he had gotten used to being under the commanding look of many strong women. He wanted Peggy. He wanted his mother.
"Nat," He began, but not sure what else to say to convince her knowing eyes to stop studying him to discover all his secrets and just leave him be. He didn't feel good. He just wanted to stop, to give in, but he didn't even know how to. He had reached the front doors and was ready to shake loose of the two spies without an explanation. He just wanted to go home. His real home. Not this bright, loud, fast counterfeit.
"Cap, wait up," Bruce was running towards the trio before the blond could escape. He had been so close. Banner was rumpled like he had hurriedly dressed and ran straight to them after dehulking. He skidded to a stop in front of them and nervously straightened his askew glasses.
"What is it, Bruce?" Steve tried very hard to keep his tired sigh from entering his voice. His body was beginning to rebel against his wishes. He needed to get back to his apartment soon.
"It's just I don't remember a lot when I...transform," Bruce hesitated, "I do remember you taking a bad hit and Tony said you're going home. And nobody saw you go to medical."
"I'm fine," Steve did sigh this time, a sound scrapped deep from inside his battered soul. It was a damn conspiracy. He just wanted one night to himself. He wanted to go home, or the only thing that passed for it in this century. Steve wanted to shed the Captain for a few hours. He wanted to wallow in self-pity for all he had fought for. For all, he'd lost. He wanted to let go and feel everything all at once and then let himself go numb as the world keep marching on with or without him. He wanted to let the pain of his injury ground him in the hated present as he sat alone in the dark as his split flesh healed faster than his broken heart. He wanted to purge all the injustices of the world unto paper with lead and ink. He didn't want to be the leader. He didn't want to make the life or death decisions. He didn't want to be Captain America. Just for one night.
He didn't want help. He wanted to do it all alone. Suffering alone so that his pain couldn't drag anyone else down. He had felt so alone for so long, he had forgotten what it was like to really be part of a team. Not that he had tried very hard as Steve Rogers to be a part of the Avengers. He was tired of losing people he cared about. He didn't know how much more left he had to give to the unforgiving world that only seemed to take and take. He feared soon he would have nothing more to give. He was becoming a hollow shell wrapped in red, white, and blue, an empty symbol. He was an outdated relic of a time gone by. He didn't want to do this anymore. He didn't really know what it was he was doing in this new crazy world, but he didn't want to do it anymore. But he didn't know what else to do, who he was supposed to be.
He just wanted to let go and fall. Like Bucky.
He felt his body sway as dark spots began to dance before his eyes. He didn't have anything left.
"We've got you, Steve," Tony reassured as multiple hands grabbed him as he finally let it all go and fell into the waiting arms of his team.