Blame Taylor Swift for me not writing the next chapter of A Story of Seconds but these one shots instead! Recommend listening to the song while you read!

My town was a wasteland. Full of cages, full of fences. Pageant queens and big pretenders. But for some, it was paradise. My boy was a montage. A slow-motion, love potion. Jumping off things in the ocean. I broke his heart 'cause he was nice.

Meredith stared up at the rest home with dread. She finally knew what her mother had been experiencing for so many years. That feeling of resentment, except now it was reversed. The last place Meredith wanted to do her internship was Seattle. Filled with her mother's legacy and flashing memories of her childhood. It felt like she was on a pedestal, in a cage like some kind of zoo animal. But her mother's directive had been clear. Meredith had no idea why she would want to come back to the hellhole. Maybe it was to torture her one last time. If Meredith had her way she would have ditched the states and done her residency overseas. Probably in Europe, but there was no point even thinking about it now. This was her life for the foreseeable future.

She had driven here on instinct but now she was here she didn't think she could bring herself to go in. She visited most days and it was a mix of her mother thinking she was a fellow resident or thinking Meredith was still a child. It had been a long day and she really didn't have the energy to deal with it today. Her mind made up, she reversed out of the car park and made her way home.

She held back a sigh when she pulled into the driveway and saw Derek's car on the street. Immediately she felt guilty, he was the perfect boyfriend and did everything he could to make her happy. The very definition of a golden retriever boyfriend. But for some reason, it just wasn't enough. He was nice and maybe that was the problem, maybe she wanted more than nice.

Whatever she wanted she knew she had to stop stringing him along, he was dreaming of picket fences and that wasn't what Meredith could give. Her mind made up, she exited the car and walked up the stairs. She walked into the kitchen and her heart clenched when she saw him sitting at the kitchen table chatting with Izzie. He made an effort with everyone in her life despite being their boss. His face broke into a wide smile when he saw her and he stood up to wrap her in a hug.

"I thought you were going to see your Mom?" He asked.

"Yeah I was but I just didn't have the energy to deal with her today."

A look of disapproval flashed across his face but it was hidden by his words. "Completely understand. Do you want to head up to bed?"

Usually, Meredith would obsess over that look, he had no idea what it was like to have a mother like Ellis Grey. His mother was warm and homely and his four sisters meant his upbringing was the complete opposite of hers. Instead, she just smiled and nodded. There wasn't any point in starting an argument.

Once he had closed the door she took a deep breath. "We need to talk."

Derek looked at her, looking uncharacteristically uncertain. "Of course, what's up?"

"I think we should break up."

He was sunshine, I was midnight rain. He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain. He wanted a bride, I was making my own name, chasing that fame. He stayed the same, all of me changed like midnight.

His jaw dropped open. "Break up? Why?"

"We want different things, Derek. You want things I can't give you."

"What are you talking about?"

"I know you, Derek, you want a bride, someone to be the mother of your children." Meredith explained. "I can't be that person."

"Why not?"

"It's just not me. It's not what I want from life. I have a lot of plans for my career and you'll get in the way of that."

Derek's eyebrows rose. "I'll get in the way of your career? What are you trying to say about me, Meredith?"

"No, that's not what I meant." Meredith said frustrated. "Kids and marriage will get in the way of my career and my career is not something I'm willing to compromise on."

"Oh get off it Meredith, of all the people you know that a career and kids are possible. Your Mom is one of the best surgeons ever and she had you. Don't use that as an excuse."

"That's a low blow, Derek, you know what my childhood was like. Are you saying you want that for your children?"

"No. We would be home more, we would make it work."

"That's the point, I don't want to be home more. I want to be at the hospital, not at home with an apron on."

"You're meant to compromise for the people you love Meredith! Do you not love me?"

"I do love you."

"Just not enough right?" Derek said bitterly.

"Derek…"

"Save it, Meredith." He said as he grabbed his coat off the bed and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

Meredith watched him go and hated herself a little because of the relief that washed over her.

It came like a postcard. Picture perfect, shiny family. Holiday, peppermint candy. But for him, it's every day. So I peered through a window. A deep portal, time travel. All the love we unravel. And the life I gave away.

It was Meredith's last year of residency and she was spending more time than ever at the hospital. This meant she, unfortunately, had a front-row seat to the personal life of her ex-boyfriend. Not that she regretted breaking up with him four years ago, it was what was best for both of them. She buried her head in a medical journal when she saw his wife and daughter enter the cafeteria. She watched over the journal as Derek stood up at their approach and lifted the little girl into his arms and gave his wife a side hug.

They were the picture-perfect family and she knew it was exactly what he had wanted in his life. She wouldn't be surprised if they were welcoming their next child within the next year. She knew his wife relatively well. She had been a nurse until she had given birth and had decided to quit to focus on their family full time. There had been an awkward conversation when they had initially started dating. She had wanted to make sure she wasn't stepping on anyone's toes and to make sure she and Derek were really over. Meredith had smiled and told her that Derek was a great guy and she should go for it.

Her relationship with Derek was also fine, although she had been pleased when she had declared general and the time she needed to spend in Neuro had been greatly decreased. He was always professional and he wasn't the type of guy to compromise her education because of how things had ended but she still knew it can't have been easy for him. None of it would matter in a few months though. With her mother passing away the year before, there was nothing keeping her in Seattle. She had accepted a fellowship across the country and was leaving right after her boards.

'Cause he was sunshine, I was midnight rain. He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain. He wanted a bride, I was making my own name. Chasing that fame, he stayed the same. All of me changed like midnight rain.

It was the morning after the Harper Avery announcements and Meredith was walking through the lobby of the hospital accepting people's excited congratulations. She was still reveling in the nomination. It was everything she had dreamed of when she was an inexperienced intern. It still felt surreal that she had gotten the nomination in the second year of her fellowship. Someone had told her that she was the second youngest to ever be nominated. After her mother of course.

She couldn't help but think about how much she had changed since her intern year. She had been so confused that year. The familial obligation she had felt towards her mother had caused her head to become a mess. It had taken a lot of mistakes to realize what she wanted from life. To realize she wanted to follow in her mother's steps and devote her life to her career. All of her had changed so much that she doubted her younger self would even recognize her.

I guess sometimes we all get, just what we wanted, just what we wanted. And he never thinks of me, except when I'm on TV.

"And the Harper Avery goes to… Dr. Meredith Grey!"

Meredith's jaw dropped and she felt herself freeze. Christina grabbed her arm and pulled her into a hug before shoving her towards the stage. Meredith regained her composure and she strode confidently towards the stage. She accepted the award and moved toward the microphone to give her speech. She thanked the hospital, her resident, and her mother for paving the way for female surgeons and always inspiring her.

As she moved to leave the stage she looked out over the audience and felt herself falter when she made eye contact with the man she had given up so she could chase this dream. He raised his glass to her and smiled and she gave him a slight nod. There had never been any bad blood between them but she was sure that like her he was thinking the same as she was. Sometimes we all get just what we wanted.

She had tried to look for him later, he had just welcomed his third daughter so she wasn't the only one who had congratulations in order, but he was gone. It was fine though, he was someone who was best left in her past.

I guess sometimes we all get, some kind of haunted, some kind of haunted. And I never think of him, except on midnights like this.

It had been a few months since Meredith's Harper Avery win and things had finally calmed down. The requests for interviews had slowed right down as had requests for her research. In its wake left an expectation, one bigger than what her mother's legacy had left her. For the first time in a long time, she was unsure, of herself and also of what she was going to do next.

It made her nervous and a little scared. This is why she found herself, alone, on the floor of her living room with a bottle of tequila. She wasn't this person anymore, she didn't doubt herself like she did when she was younger but sometimes she couldn't help the thoughts that plagued her. She couldn't help but think about what could have been. She looked up at the award on display and thought of everything she had given away to get it.

Derek's face flashed through her brain, the way he raised his glass to her. He had looked at her like he had always known this day would come. She reached for her phone and maybe it was the tequila or maybe it was the memory of the sparkle in his eye that caused her to pull up his social media. She smiled at the photo of him with his daughters, he was the same man she had loved. A montage of sunshine, someone reliable who would always stay the same.

Looking at his life through pictures was a reminder that it wasn't what she had ever wanted. She didn't want comfortable, she wanted to tear down fences. It was only on midnights like this that she felt haunted by the nostalgia. She got up and put the tequila away before heading to bed. Nostalgia is the biggest liar of all and she would remember that in the morning.

Let me know what you think!