Dastardly & Muttley: Magnificent Beagle

by DastardlyFan00

Dastardly and Muttley are at it again with a few familar faces, will they succeed this time?

Dastardly & Muttley: Magnificent Beagle

Written by Matthew Hawkins

(The scene is the usual blue sky backdrop. Enter Yankee Doodle Pigeon.)

Narrator: "Dawn breaks and our gallant courier Yankee Doodle Pigeon is off and away on yet another dangerous journey delivering those ever vital messages."

(Shot of the Vulture Squadron in silhouette in the distance, although there's something different but we don't know what.)

Narrator: "Meanwhile lurking high in the sky pursuing our hero is the notorious Vulture Squadron…..."

(Camera zooms in on Dick Dastardly.)

Narrator "led by that vile villain, that sinister scoundrel, that really rotten rogue, Dick Dastardly!"

Dick Dastardly: (faces the camera grinning nastily.) "Ah, it's so good to be bad." (laughs.)

(Close-up of Klunk and Zilly whose planes are flying close together as their planes are connected and therefore carrying something.)

Narrator: "Yankee Doodle Pigeon has his work cut out for him this time as the squad unleashes its most deadliest plan yet."

(The camera pans out to reveal a large circular fish tank. A shark's fin can be seen swimming round it.)

Dick Dastardly: (laughing with anticipation turns round to address the squadron, raising his index finger.) "Stand by for "Operation Shark Attack!"

(At that moment the shark comes up the surface growling and showing its teeth.)

Dick Dastardly: (laughs again) "When I chase Yankee Doodle to that mean -tempered shark, he'll be shark bait in no time. (Laughs yet again. He hears a certain bugle. He points delightedly.) "There he is! Now I'll get him." (He flies off and begins chasing Yankee Doodle up and down and all around, cackling wildly.)

(Klunk and Zilly are anxious as the shark is intimidating them.)

Klunk: "Hurry up, (pops and whistles) Chief!"

Zilly: "Yeah, this shark getting really hungry."

Klunk: "The pigeon's (coos) not going to satisfy him at this rate. He'll be (squawks) having us for (squawks again) dessert."

Zilly: (looks alarmed.) "Oh no, don't say that!" (retreats inside coat.)

(Yankee Doodle Pigeon is now nose-diving and headed right for the shark, Dick Dastardly charges full pelt after him.)

Dick Dastardly: "We've got him this time."

(The shark sees the pigeon and licks his lips. He opens his mouth. Yankee Doodle Pigeon flies sideways through his mouth. The shark's jaws snap shut missing Yankee Doodle by inches. He opens his mouth again.)

(Dick Dastardly horror-struck realises what's about to happen.) "Oh no!

(Klunk winces and Zilly is still hiding in his coat.)

(There's the sound of a large bite! Klunk and Zilly look round anxiously for their "Chief.")

Klunk: "Where's the chief?"

Zilly: ( pops his head out of his coat and timidly peers around.) "I don't know. Weren't you watching?"

Klunk" (cheeps.) "No!

(The Shark is sitting upright in the tank looking content, suddenly his jaws are forced open. Guess who's inside?)

Dick Dastardly: (trying valiantly to keep the jaws open.) "MUTTLLLEEEY! DOOOO SOOOMMMETHIIIIIIIINNNNGGGG!

Muttley: (bounces out of his plane to the rescue. He flicks his tail which goes into its "tailcopter mode" and flies toward his helpless master.)

(Dick Dastardly's head can be seen protruding from the shark mouth as it begins chewing on him.) "HEEEEELLLLLP!"

Muttley: (takes his master's arms and pulls hard, groaning and straining.)

(There's a pop sound. Muttley does a double take. The shark's teeth have come loose and are attached to Dick Dastardly's rear.)

Dick Dastardly: (slowly, bitterly and dripping with sarcasm) "Thanks…..a lot….Muttley."

Muttley: (wheezes.)

(There's the sound of a phone ringing in Dick Dastardly's coat. He reaches in and answers his candlestick phone.)

Dick Dastardly: "Hello?"

(The General does his usual unintelligible bellowing.)

Dick Dastardly: "Oh, (laughs) it's you General."

(The General continues.)

Dick Dastardly: "What? You say you are sending some new recruits to help us out?" (Dejectedly.) "Yes sir, we'll be expecting them."

(Shot of the hanger, the camera zooms in. The Squad is inside in a row with Dick Dastardly front and centre.)

Dick Dastardly: "OK you dumb-heads, I want you to look smart for these new recruits. I know that's particularly hard for you three but just TRY!"

(There's the sound of an air-plane. Dick Dastardly turns his head round.)

Dick Dastardly: "That must be them now!"

(The squad stand to attention.)

(Enter Lucy and Snoopy walking proudly into the hanger. Eyes closed. Lucy is wearing her traditional blue dress but is wearing an aviator's cap. Our Snoopy is wearing his trademark cap scarf and swagger stick.)

Lucy: (salutes.) "Lucy Van Pelt and World Famous Flying Ace Snoopy reporting for duty."

(The Squad all open their eyes.)

Dick Dastardly: (is surprised to hear a little girl's voice. It's clear he was expecting male adults. His eyes go wide and his moustache goes completely straight.) "What!?

(Birds eye shot of Lucy and Snoopy smiling happily.)

Dick Dastardly: "What is the meaning of all this? (Punches the air with his fist repeatedly.) This is a flying squadron, not the girl scouts! (Patronisingly and turning his head to the side and gestures with his hands dismissively.) Now run along and go sell your cookies elsewhere."

Lucy: (indignant, stamps her foot.) "We're not hear to sell stupid cookies, we're here to help you catch that pigeon and win a big shiny medal."

Snoopy: (grins broadly at the camera.)

Lucy: "Besides, this mission could use a woman's touch."

Dick Dastardly: (angered at the suggestion that he himself is incompetent. frowns) "Oh is that so?"

(Shot through Lucy's eyes as she looks up at the irritated Dick Dastardly.)

Lucy: (standing her ground against his steely gaze.) "Yeah, that's so!"

Dick Dastardly: "Listen here, you red-faced rug-rat. I'm the commanding officer and I say you can't join us.

Lucy: "We can and we will and there's nothing you can do to stop us!"

Dick Dastardly: "Oh yeah?" Well, madam, I'm going to ring headquarters, then we'll see how confident you feel. (sneers.)

Lucy: (isn't worried at all.) "Fine! I dare you! (folds her arms.)

Dick Dastardly: (enraged by Lucy's boldness, trying to keep his temper. His face reddens slightly.) "Muttley, the phone!"

(The phone is on Dick Dastardly's desk a few feet away from him, Muttley obeys anyway.)

Dick Dastardly: (on the phone.) "Hello, General?"

General: (bellows.)

Dick Dastardly: "No, no we've not caught the pigeon yet, I want you to tell this crosspatch child who's in charge around here. (hands the phone to Lucy, frowning with utter contempt and folding his arms.)

Lucy: (politely.) "Hello General?"

General: (bellows.)

Lucy: Yeah! We'll catch that pigeon for you."

General: (bellows.)

Lucy "And will you give us a big shiny medal like you promised?"

General: (bellows.)

Lucy: "Great! I can't wait to tell all the kids at school, (grins.) Especially Charlie Brown."

General: (bellows.)

Lucy: "Thank you Daddy!"

Dick Dastardly: (is astounded at this latest reveal. He looks at the camera, stupefied.) "D-D-D-Daddy?"

Muttley: (wheezes.)

Lucy (hangs up the phone and hands it back.) "So now, what do you say?Do we join?"

(Lucy and Snoopy look wide-eyed with hope.)

(Dick Dastardly is forced to admit defeat. The rest of the squad look glum.)

Dick Dastardly: (begrudgingly. Fists on hips) "Oh, all right. (thoughtfully strokes his chin.) But there's just one thing that's bothering me.

Lucy: "What is it?"

Dick Dastardly: (pointing.) "Just how did you two get here anyway?"

Lucy: (excitedly.) "Oh that's easy. Come we'll show you. Lead the way Snoopy."

(The Squad moves outside. Sitting quietly is Snoopy's red kennel. Lucy and Snoopy stand proudly before it.)

Lucy: (hand out stretched.) "There she is."

Dick Dastardly: (pointing.) "That's how you how you got here?"

Lucy: "Yep! It's Snoopy's Sopwith Camel."

(Snoopy is proud and walks over to give it a pat.)

Dick Dastardly: (isn't impressed.) "Looks more like a dog kennel to me. (patronisingly.) Does it fly, perchance?"

Lucy: (indignantly frowns at Dick Dastardly..) "Yes it does! Show 'em Snoop".

Snoopy: (salutes Lucy before marching proudly up onto his kennel. He "starts the engine and pulls levers." The Squad are very surprised at the sudden sound of an engine as Snoopy rises up into the air and circles round the airfield to Lucy's delight.)

Dick Dastardly: (is taken aback) "Well what do you know? It really flies."

(The rest of the squad are rather put out by the whole thing, Muttley is jealous.)

Lucy: "Come on down Snoopy!"

Snoopy: (salutes and bring his kennel safety down.)

Dick Dastardly: "Now we've established it flies, how do we stop that pigeon?

Klunk: "I got it, chief, you…." (proceeds to make a string of noises and faces. Lucy and Snoopy look at each other, very puzzled. Lucy gestures with her hands and Snoopy shakes his head. Dick Dastardly, of course is none the wiser.)

Dick Dastardly: (looking stupefied again.) "What did he say?"

Zilly: (tremoring.) "He says…..that if you get into the kennel and Snoopy flies after the pigeon you can grab him, D.D."

Dick Dastardly: (frowns.) "Don't be ridiculous!"

Zilly: (retreats inside raincoat.)

Dick Dastardly: (strolls over to the kennel, bends down and peers inside.) "And pray tell me, how am I, supposed to fit in there?"

(Muttley seeing this as an opportunity to win back his master runs forward and pushes him inside. The sound of bumping and thumping is heard as though Dick Dastardly is falling down stairs. Apparently Snoopy's kennel is bigger on the inside than the outside. A crunch is heard as Dick Dastardly hits a "wall" at the end.)

Muttley: (peers inside, concerned.)

Dick Dastardly: (Pops his head out of the kennel, looking angry. A large splinter in his nose.)

Muttley: (grins sheepishly before gingerly pulling out the splinter.)

Dick Dastardly: "YEEE-OUCH!"

(Muttley and Snoopy laugh together, sharing the same wicked sense of humour.)

Dick Dastardly (crawls out of the kennel and draws himself to his full height.) "Stop that snickering, both of you!"

(Both dogs stop laughing.)

Dick Dastardly: (addresses Snoopy contemptuously, pushing his face into his.) "And as for you, World Famous Flying Ace!

(Snoopy is taken aback looking worried.)

Dick Dastardly: "Do you think you have what it takes to stop that pigeon?"

Lucy: (confidently.) "He can lick his weight in pigeons."

Dick Dastardly: "Well then, (pushes his face into Snoopy's) prove it!"

Snoopy: (gulps.)

(Shot of Snoopy's kennel in flight with Snoopy atop and Dick Dastardly inside peering round looking for the pigeon with Muttley in his plane in tow behind.)

Narrator: "And so complete with a flying kennel….."

(Snoopy looks at the camera, displeased)

Narrator: "...um….er… I mean a Sopwith Camel…." (clears throat.)

Snoopy: (grins.)

Narrator: "…..The Vulture Squadron is back to the attack."

Dick Dastardly: "Keep a sharp look-out for that pigeon men, he's around here somewhere."

Snoopy: (diligently searches looking round with his paw up above his brow.)

(Yankee Doodle Pigeon swoops in from behind Snoopy and blows his bugle in Snoopy's face before dashing off to the left. Snoopy is enraged and pours on the speed.)

Dick Dastardly: (thinking of course he's first to spot the pigeon, points.) "There he is! Stop that pigeon! Faster Snoopy!"

(The chase is on…...again!)

(Yankee Doodle flies upwards. Snoopy pulls his kennel upwards toward the sky in pursuit. Dick Dastardly slides back downwards. More bumping and thumping. He pops his now sore head out holding it.)

Dick Dastardly: (groans, rubbing his head.) "How did I ever get into to this outfit? (double takes and smiles delightedly as the pigeon is in reaching distance. He cackles.) "The pigeon is mine!" (He swipes at the pigeon missing him by inches.) "It's no use Yankee Doodle, you can't escape us now." (laughs.)

(Yankee Doodle now nosedives, so does the kennel. Dick Dastardly slides out before the pigeon and the kennel fly straight forward again.)

(Snoopy and Muttley realise what's just happened and laugh together.)

(Klunk, Zilly and Lucy have been watching from the ground this whole time.)

Zilly: (tremoring) "Oh dear, oh my, I can't look." (retreats inside coat.)

Dick Dastardly: "LUUUUCCCCYYY! DOOOO SOOOOOMETHIIIING!"

(Muttley for once is surprised that his name has NOT been called out.)

Lucy: (dashes into the hanger. She dashes back out again, carrying two poles and a hammock. She very quickly puts it together just as Dick Dastardly lands in it. To everyone's surprise, it spins round cocooning him very tightly. He struggles to get free.)

Dick Dastardly: (slowly) "Lucy, get me out of here!

Lucy: (produces a pair of scissors.) "No problem."

(Meanwhile, our two dogs are still chasing the pigeon.)

Snoopy is annoyed at the thought of being bested by a pigeon. Then he has an idea, he turns and whistles. A female pigeon walks into shot beside him, complete with long eyelashes and lippy. Snoopy points commanding the female. The female simply walks in front Snoopy and whistles to Yankee Doodle. Yankee Doodle Pigeon turns around noticing the girl bird and flies to her. He smiles dashingly at her. She titters and bats her eyelids at him.)

(Klunk and Zilly are flabbergasted.)

Zilly: (tremoring.) "A g-g-girl pigeon?"

Klunk: "Why didn't we…. (coos)...think of….(squawks) that?"

(Yankee Doodle Pigeon puckers up for a kiss, eyes closed, the sound of a zip is heard. Suddenly the female pigeon sags to the ground. It is Woodstock in disguise. Yankee Doodle Pigeon opens his eyes and is alarmed to find he has been tricked. But before he can do anything else Snoopy grabs him triumphantly. He shakes Woodstock's wing. Muttley then flies alongside him and extends his paw. Delighted, Snoopy is shaking paws with Woodstock and Muttley, a job well done.

(Meanwhile back on the ground, Lucy has managed to quite badly patch Dick Dastardly up having ruined his coat whilst cutting him out. He looks ridiculous and is very displeased.)

Lucy: (is pleased with her work not realising how bad it actually is.) "Not a bad job if I do say myself.)

Dick Dastardly: "Then, don't say anything."

Lucy: (looks sad. Does a double take as she see Snoopy and Muttley coming in for a landing.) "Look sir, here they come."

(Dick Dastardly turns to look but is immediately thrown into a spin and Lucy dashes past him.)

(Snoopy and Muttley land together. Lucy is the first to greet them.)

Lucy: "Yay! Snoopy. I knew you could do it.

(Snoopy gets down and strolls proudly over to Dick Dastardly. Woodstock lands on his shoulder.)

Dick Dastardly: (grins wickedly.) "So you caught him, did you? (chuckles, Well done, you have finally proven yourself.

(Shot of Snoopy nodding happily. Dick Dastardly's red gloved hand comes into shot.)

Dick Dastardly: "Now hand him over!"

(Snoopy's smile turns to a frown. He shakes his head defiantly and taps his chest implying he did all the hard work.)

Dick Dastardly: (threateningly.) "That's an order!"

Lucy: (runs over to Snoopy.) "But what about our medals?

Muttley (still sitting is his plane, eager as ever.) "Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah, me too!

Dick Dastardly: (feigning sweetness.) "You'll be awarded accordingly. (the harder tone resumes.) Now, I repeat hand...it….over!"

Snoopy: (blows loud, vulgar raspberry.)

Dick Dastardly: (finally snaps.) "Why you…."

(A dust cloud forms as the pair fight. Woodstock and Lucy dodge the cloud as it forms and Woodstock chirps in protest. Yankee Doodle Pigeon of course flies out of the cloud and blows his bugle, stopping the fight. Dick Dastardly and Snoopy look up as Yankee Doodle toots a final time before dashing upwards into the sky. Snoopy, angry at his hard work being undone, growls and continues the fight.)

Lucy: (is alarmed.) Stop, stop!

(The fight stops. Dick Dastardly is dazed and stunned but Snoopy is unharmed and stands firmly dusting off his hands. Woodstock returns to Snoopy's shoulder.)

Lucy: "You blockheads! You let the pigeon escape! We'll have to try again now."

Dick Dastardly: (gets back up and draws himself to his full height, taking command) "Oh no you won't!"

Lucy: (hurt voice.) "We won't?"

Dick Dastardly: "No! I forbid it. (Points angrily at Lucy.) "You….get out of here…. (points to Snoopy) and take your banana-nosed beagle with you! (Bends down and bellows at the top of his voice blowing them away.) And that is an order!"

(Lucy and Snoopy have rolled onto their backs. Lucy sits up and shakes her fist angrily at Dick Dastardly.)

Lucy: "You won't get away with this! I'll take this to the highest court. Come on Snoopy."

(Lucy marches away with her head in the air. Snoopy gets to his feet and blows another raspberry before following Lucy away. They get up on to the kennel and take off and away.)

(Dick Dastardly is watching them as they leave.) "And good riddance to both of you! You'll never fly in this squadron again!" (folds arms annoyed by the whole business.)

(Klunk and Zilly walk into shot beside him.)

Klunk: "What... (pops, whistles) have you done, chief?"

Dick Dastardly: (turns to face them.) "Huh? What do you mean what have I done?"

Zilly: "You've just sent the General's daughter packing, D.D. He's not gonna like that.

Dick Dastardly: (realizes his mistake and is horror-struck at what the General might do to him.) "You're right, Zilly. I forgot about that. ( He pauses. No one moves or speaks. The three men look at each other.) "Well don't just stand there, Klunk, build another one of your stupid contraptions, on the double!

Klunk: (pops, whistles.) "Right, chief." (Dashes away.)

Dick Dastardly: "Ooooh, drat that pigeon. I'll get even with that little squab if it's the last thing I do!"

(Shot of Snoopy, Woodstock and Lucy in the far distance silhouetted, flying dejectedly past the camera.)

(Three shot, Lucy is angry.)

Lucy: "Just wait, I'll show him, I'll show he can't make a monkey out of Lucy Van Pelt, I'll sue him and his flyboys for every penny he's got. I'll…..I'll….."

(Lucy continues muttering to herself, Snoopy suddenly hears or thinks he hears a droning sound. He looks round frowning, Woodstock chirps quizzically. Snoopy suddenly spots something coming towards him. It's a familiar looking red bi-plane. It drones overhead passing by. Snoopy seeing his old enemy The Red Baron shakes his fist and turns his kennel around. Lucy does a double take and sees what's going on around her.)

Lucy: "(panics and holds onto the roof of the kennel for dear life.) "Hey, what's going on?

(Another chase begins as Snoopy hotly pursues The Baron's plane. Woodstock frightened goes into the kennel for safety. Snoopy make believes shooting at the Baron, real holes appear along the body of the kennel, Snoopy shakes his fist in a rage. Lucy frightening by the whole experience overbalances and fall backwards off the kennel. She lands on the ground with a thump on her back. She sits up and shakes her fist.)

Lucy: "You stupid beagle! I hope you run out of gas!"

(Meanwhile the Vulture Squadron are trying again. This time they have giant fly swatters attached to the front of their planes. Dick Dastardly and Muttley are sharing the same plane, Klunk and Zilly are sharing another.)

Dick Dastardly: "OK men, it's time for "Operation Swat That Pigeon!"

(Shot of Yankee Doodle Pigeon on his bugle.)

Muttley: (points and barks excitedly in Dick Dastardly's ear much to his annoyance.)

Dick Dastardly: "Stop barking you loud-mouthed flea-farm, I see him.

(Our crooked pair fly closer to the pigeon.)

Dick Dastardly: "Steady Muttley, steady, take that!

(Dick Dastardly swats at the pigeon, unfortunately the holes in the swatter are much too big and the pigeon squeezes through them with ease. He bugles at them and dashes away.)

Dick Dastardly: (angered at failing so easily.) "Drat and double drat! We must keep trying. Our future is at stake!"

(Again they fly close to the pigeon, but suddenly machine gun shots are seen and heard, the pigeon flies away in terror. Snoopy comes into view from the left and flying upward just missing Dick Dastardly and Muttley by inches. Dick Dastardly is oblivious to Snoopy's dogfight with the Baron and believes he is trying to stop the pigeon and steal the glory for himself.)

Dick Dastardly: (shakes his fist.) "SNOOPY! Don't you dare stop us from stopping that pigeon, you hapless hound! You are finished with this squadron! I'll have you court-martialed!"

(Klunk and Zilly are flying above Dick Dastardly and Muttley and are trying to swat the pigeon. More gun-shots are heard.)

Zilly: (tremouring.) "Oh dear, oh my. (retreats inside coat as the gunfire continues.)

(Klunk and Zilly prepare to strike and as the swatter extends more shots are seen and heard. The pigeon dashes off-screen as we see the bullets eat away at Klunk and Zilly's fly swatter pole that connects it to their plane. It breaks off and lands squarely on Dick Dastardly and Muttley. The plane stops and hovers in mid-air for a few moments before crashing to the ground.)

(Shot of Dick Dastardly and Muttley sitting in their wreaked plane.)

Dick Dastardly: "Drat and double drat and even a triple drat!"

Muttley: (wheezes.)

(Yankee Doodle Pigeon having witnessed this shrugs before blowing on his bugle again before disappearing into the distance.)

(Snoopy is still chasing the Baron. He draws near to the plane before shooting with his "machine guns." He hits his target and the plane falls down to the ground. Snoopy punches the air triumphantly before coming in for a landing. He lands right beside the plane with its smoking tail. To us it looks very familiar. Snoopy climbs down and walks towards the plane but before he can interrogate the Baron, Lucy is heard calling his name. He turns as Lucy arrives at his side.)

Lucy: (breathless.) "Snoopy, I can't believe you finally you did it! What a brave dog! You stopped the Red Baron."

"No he hasn't!" says a stern, German voice. A figure climbs out of the plane and walks up to them. He looks familiar but very cross.)

"I am not ze Red Baron, I am ze great Red Max!"

(Snoopy is crestfallen. After all that fighting Snoopy has instead shot down the Crimson Haybailer.)

Lucy: "You mean you're not the Red Baron?"

Red Max: "Nein. I am The Red Max! The Red Baron is my cousin.

(Suddenly droning is heard and we hear a plane flying overhead. It is the Baron's plane. The three watch as it flies into the distance.)

(One shot of Snoopy angrily shaking his fist. The action stops, the colours fade to black and white and we see Snoopy as a square comic panel, a speech bubble forms and the classic quote is written.)

"CURSE YOU RED BARON!"

Dastardly and Muttley are all related characters are copyright of Hanna-Barbera Productions and Warner Brothers Entertainment Inc. Snoopy, Lucy Van Pelt and The Red Baron are copyright of Peanuts Worldwide LLC. This is a work of fan-fiction. No copyright infringement has been intended.