Hey. This story sad. Like, real sad.
Have you read Children of Ursus? If you're considering reading this, you should go check Children of Ursus first. If that one is too dark for you, then this story is definitively not for you. If you are going through something rough in life or you're feeling depressed, I don't think you should read this fanfic either. Arknighs portrays a dark world where bad stuff happen on a daily basis and people struggle to live on. This is the story of one of the few survivors of Peterheim Middle School's tragedy. This story follows the MC, who is an OC. If HG ends up releasing an event that progresses their story and invalidates this one, I will be mad.
Ah, also. While I studied the setting for this fic, I compiled a precise chronology of the events in Chernobog that surround the Ursus Student Self-Government Group. I'm proud of that one. And I'm satisfied (and depressed) about the final product. Proceed at your own discretion. Rated M for mature themes and trauma.
Quick name reference: Zima=Sonya, Istina=Anna, Gummy=Lada, Leto=Rosalind, Rosa=Natalya
Between the teeth
I'm sorry. Please, do not forgive me. I am neither ready to be forgiven, or to forgive.
I begrudgingly opened my eyes again to find that light on the ceiling. I could still feel my shoulder palpitating violently, as if that piece of steel had never been removed from me. The pain flowed through my veins with a scratchy advance, making my insides hurt.
"Oripathy sucks."
It wasn't the first time I failed to sleep from the pain. If only I had been taken to Rhodes Island sooner, my infection wouldn't have been so bad. The medics said my condition had been stabilized, but there was a limit to how much treatment I could receive for free.
"But what can a good-for-nothing loser like me even do to live a day longer?"
I certainly didn't feel enthusiastic about being alive anyway, so I may as well just die.
Interrupting my thoughts, someone knocked on the door to my room. It was quite late in the night, so I was surprised someone even wanted to come see me. I was sure as hell it wasn't one of those Ursus Self-Government Group bastards, so I just barked permission to enter.
"Stop fidgeting in the doorstep and get your ass in here already."
"With permission."
"Oh, I've seen you. It's always a pleasure to see another ursus who doesn't make me sick. What's your name?"
"You can call me Absinthe."
"A codename, huh? I'm Mikhail. What can I do for you?" I asked while yawning and rubbing my bandaged shoulder.
The visitor entered the room and closed the door as to not disturb the neighbors. I admit her presence made me a little nervous. She was just my age and I found her messy short gray hair really cute. Her red eyes settled on me after a brief dramatic pause.
"I heard that you might be another victim to Peterheim Middle School's tragedy. Is that true?"
Just the mention of that place was enough to make me lock up. I couldn't even breathe, so I adjusted my throat as if to open the way for air and coughed.
"I am. I've been giving Amiya and the Doctor some troubles due to my… aftereffects, so I've been seriously considering that therapy thing."
Absinthe fell silent, almost too intimidated to make the next question, so I distracted her by purposefully changing the topic.
"Man, how I hate that Zima and her guts. Always going around flaunting her power without giving two shits about what anyone thinks…"
I picked that topic myself, but when I thought of how to continue, I regretted my choice. It was depressing and conflicting.
"Were they your enemies back then?" Absinthe asked warily, gauging my reaction.
"Enemies? Nah. I was too pathetic be called such a strong word. They were survivors, while I… I…" I tried putting into words my feelings, but they hurt so much I blocked up again. "Why did you ask? Are you interested in being their friend and wanted to find out the landmines you should avoid ahead of time?"
"It's not that." She replied a bit startled. "There's something I've been meaning to ask them for a long while now… to ask a survivor from Peterheim… but… I was afraid they might actually know the answer."
"Well, if you're fine with me, shoot away!"
Talking about the past is not an easy thing for those five… but I actually enjoy reminiscing those days, if you can believe it. I guess I shouldn't enjoy it, considering the things I did to you, but it can't be helped anymore. I'm messed up.
Absinthe wiggled for a while after taking a seat. Every inch of her body was tense. I became a bit distracted when I noticed her feminine virtues, so I pinched my face to snap out of it. I don't deserve to bear such wishes anymore. Besides, that girl came to me with an important goal in mind. I didn't want to push her away when all she wanted was my help with something.
"Did you… see a police officer… that came to rescue you?"
Her voice trembled and paused. She probably considered stopping and going away after every syllable, but she managed to ask it. She had her eyes closed and she held her gun tightly in her hands. I tied the dots. She was that cop's daughter. Her equipment… it was the same. No wonder her clothes were big. They weren't even meant to be hers.
A nauseating feeling took over my throat as memories flooded back into me.
It was nighttime. The second fire had just happened and things had quickly gotten out of hand. By that point, I was too busy looking for something to feed my friends with. I was already going insane by hunger myself and the fresh change for the worse after all the food in the cafeteria went up in flames didn't sit well with anyone.
After leaving Vladimir with Sasha and Sergei, I went to go punch some faces to get food, only to get mine punched in return, I left the building to bathe under some moonlight. Those Reunion ruffians were still outside the fences, making sure none of us got away from the hellish battle royal for survival of the fittest. I felt like going towards them for a fight, but I saw what the last few who tried ended up. As much as I considered myself to be a flashy and cool young bear of red hair, I didn't fancy the idea of ending like a stone statue. The worst part of those statues were the faces of pure pain and terror. A constant reminder of the fate that awaited anyone who dared going out. That psychopath… Only the stupidest… or the bravest… would even consider challenging him.
I fell under the first category, but I couldn't afford to leave those guys alone. They needed me as much as I needed them… and I wasn't going to give up just yet, regardless of how dire the situation was.
Some noble punks came crushing out from the building as well and gave another kid a brutal beating that didn't end after her death. Afterwards, the gopniks searched the corpse for food and started fighting among themselves when they failed to find anything.
"That's what she meant by 'I don't have any food, please spare me', shitheads." I muttered to myself, staying out of their sight.
That's when it happened, Absinthe. The Reunion guards went away in anticipation of the next team tasked with watching over us. I shortly considered taking the chance to go out and leave that place for good, but I couldn't make it. I had friends I couldn't leave behind… A-Anyway, just as I daydreamed about climbing the gate to escape, someone made the exact opposite.
"Was it really my father?" The now frail-looking girl asked.
"He identified himself as Loban."
The name made her eyes open wide in shock, tears quickly taking over them. I gave her some time to calm down. It was so bad, and so late, I proposed to postpone the story, but Absinthe wanted to continue. I was impressed by her resolution to find out the truth. I was not looking forward to continuing the narration… specially after confirming it had been her father who… well…
The cop approached the group of nobles and asked them to remain silent. I hid nearby out of curiosity and hope about him. If someone as brave as him had made it through Reunion's tight control over the school, maybe it was not too late for us. If we explained the situation to him, he could do something! I mean, none of us could do anything about the lockdown, but Loban was not as helpless as us. I mean it, Absinthe. When I saw your dad jumping over the gate, I felt immediate admiration towards him. He was awesome.
I had my worries, but I didn't expect them to come true so soon. The group of aristocrats who had just killed the girl panicked when they saw your father and started yelling louder and louder… and the reunion grunts found them out. I got scared about staying, so I immediately went back into the building… but your dad stayed to protect those imbeciles…
Watching the trembling and shaking girl before me, I started shaking and trembling myself. It had been hard to tell her that tale… but it was about to be even harder to break it down to her. I mean, by that point, she could imagine what happened next, but she had not left my room yet. She wanted me to continue.
"…the next day, I found the corpses of those shitheads. They had been cut, smashed and torn apart." I gulped down, trying to fight back the tears. "Mr. Loban was…"
"Stop. I saw him myself. You don't need to say it…"
She did? Blyat. No wonder Absinthe could no longer stop herself from crying. She really fought hard to stop, though. Watching her cry made me remember how it felt. It was… disturbingly satisfying. What is wrong with me? You know what is wrong with me. You were there. I did those things to you. To all of you. I've not been able to cry since I left that school.
Feeling satisfied from Absinthe's suffering felt so wrong I got up, opened a drawer, found my hidden cutter and sliced my arm. The blood made me dizzy.
"I'm sorry." I apologized. "I was doing something really rude to you just now, so I wanted to punish myself."
"W-What? What did you do?"
"That's a hard one to answer, I'm afraid. I feel like a jerk for asking you to leave in your current state… so I won't. You can stay here for the night if you want. I'll go grab some air."
Before Absinthe could forward another question, I left her and quickly made my way to the nursery. The medic gave me a chop on the head for cutting myself again, so I saved her the trouble to go find the weapon and surrendered it. Since I was infected, it was irresponsible of my part to go around bleeding, so I needed to get it treated.
The archosauria kept nagging at me passionately, even if it was late.
"Seriously, Mikhail! You can't go on like this!"
"Tell me something I don't know. I cut myself, Gavial. I don't like myself too much."
"Stop being so stupid and go to therapy! The Doctor asked me the other day if you had changed your mind about it, so I want you to go tell the Doctor you have!"
"I hate making you worry so much. Specially Amiya. I'm such a jerk…"
"Aaagh! Enough with the self-loathing! What is it you did that was so bad?!"
Gavial had dragged me to a side room so she could yell at me in peace, but I'm sure she was disrupting the patients' sleep. I sighed. I don't know who Absinthe heard it from. About me being a former student from Peterheim. The mutual hatred between the USSG girls and me ran deep, so I doubted it had been them, but there were not many other candidates, really…
"What did I do, you ask?" I muttered, glancing at her arm moving the bandage around my own.
A hazy feeling took over me for a brief moment and I grew paler. Had I seriously considered doing that to Gavial?
"See? This is exactly why I am not worthy of love. I'm a monster."
"…what are you even talking about, kiddo?"
There's no way Gavial could understand, but chatting with Absinthe had made me talkative, so I did something I normally wouldn't consider.
"Say. What would you do if you had to commit a grave sin for a friend? Would you do it?"
"Yeah."
"Hahaha! You're so cool, chief."
"To be more precise, I would find some way to save my friend without the need of doing something bad."
That's exactly why I liked Gavial so much… and also the reason why I despised her with every fiber of my being. A sour mood quickly took over me and I stood up to leave.
"Hey, what did you do? You look like you have a lot of things to say. I may not be known for my quietness, but I'll keep your secret!"
"I believe you." I said while opening the door to leave. Gavial sighed and glanced at the cutter once more before frustration took over her.
As I walked through the corridors of Rhodes Island, my tummy grumbled. If putting Gavial through that hadn't left a bad taste in my mouth already, I was hungry. Sighing and surrendering myself to fate, I went to the kitchen. Spot was manning the register box while reading a comic. Few people came to eat something so late at night, but considering oripathy could disrupt some people's sleeping or eating habits, some workers were required to stay up to look after them every once in a while. When there was no one, the kitchen was usually open so that someone could treat themselves to some late dinner. Measures against Kay were taken, though.
"Hey." I greeted Spot.
"Hey, Mikhail. Did you finish the comic I lent you?"
"I haven't… and I don't think I will be able to. Sorry. I'll return it to you next time."
"Really? I thought you would like sheinen. I can lend you something else."
It was comforting that he tried to be nice to me, so I smiled. "That would be cool, if you don't mind. Sorry."
"You don't have to apologize, dude. You like what you like. Nothing wrong about that." The rebbah claimed, stealing a glance at my clothes.
"Hahaha, well, back in Ursus, people had a different outlook on things, but I think you're right about that. Thanks, dude."
The operator left the bookmark of his comic in and attended me properly. Since neither him or Midnight were cooking experts, they couldn't offer me much, but I didn't mind. I wouldn't notice the different even if I ate a pie of horse shit, anyway. Not that they were that terrible in the kitchen. It was my fault.
I swiped my meal card on the registry box, feeling irritated that the money was so poorly spent on something that would do nothing but tormenting me. Midnight noticed my grimace and asked me if I was suffering lovesickness or something. He made me laugh. On second thought, he was so hot I could had switched teams, but love affairs were the last thing I would worry about in my state.
Still, I felt really lucky of being at Rhodes Island. Everything was… so harmonious. You wouldn't believe infected people were regulars in there. I mean, yeah, oripathy has nothing to do with personality like I was told, but… ugh. After I was kicked out of Chernobog, I never expected for things to improve.
"What are you doing here, Mikhail?" I asked myself while begrudgingly taking nibbles at the sandwich as I sat over the vessel's highest edge. "You don't deserve this place. You don't deserve any of the things you've been given. You saw how those girls reacted when they saw you. And that's when they even don't know what I did after they left! What am I doing here, indeed…"
The night was cold and I had nothing on me but the ragged remains of my old school uniform as a coat, a black skin-tight shirt and some normal-ass pants under a plaid skirt. A man wearing a skirt is wrong? Yeah. I do many wrong things. I thought you already knew. I mean, screw customs. With the world going to shit, let people do the hell they wanna do. There's nothing wrong with men wearing skirts. I mean, whatever. Fuck that. Fuck it all. Nothing makes sense. A freaking skirt is just that. A freaking skirt. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. You're dead. And I should also be dead, too.
It is not allowed for people to go to the vessel's roof level and stand or sit on the edges. Specially not to someone with suicidal tendencies like me. Watching the darkness beyond my nose welcoming so earnestly, I felt tempted to jump. That way, I could end it all. The pain in my shoulder, the ache of my stomach… and the stuff stuck between my teeth.
I thought of Absinthe and her beautiful tears.
"That's the look of someone who is healing."
I really hope I did the right thing by telling her how her dad died.
"What about my own parents?"
Who cares. If they knew what I had turned into, they would vomit.
"And I'm not only talking about Oripathy… Blyat."
Are you going to throw yourself?
"…it's not so easy."
Isn't it?
"It is, but it isn't. I could just push myself forward and I would probably die… but suicide feels like an easy way out. I don't deserve that, you know?"
I get it. We owe them too much.
"Besides, I don't want to make Amiya or Doctor feel guilty about me. It's not their fault I'm like this, but those two are so arrogant they are compelled to help every single loser around…"
You weren't so different from them, back in the day.
"…I wasn't. That takes me back."
A slump of guilt took hold of my neck, strangling me. I still fought hard to keep talking.
"Hey, Sasha, Sergei, Vladimir. Do you still hate me? I'm freaking disgusting, right? I betrayed all of you. I miss you so much. I wish you could be here and beat me to death or something. You know. Like some of you did once… before you became my best friends."
It's been so long… It's been so long since I felt like crying. I got away from the vessel's edge and curled up to become a ball of tears. Next time I see Absinthe, I must thank her and apologize again. I'm so messed up… I hope… I could become her friend… but I'm messed up… and I don't want to bully her. Hah. Not that I could. Not that she needs it. She's strong. How brave has she been to face the tale of her father's death? Could I pull that kind of feat?
…I did something that normal people would be too terrified to even consider… so I might be braver than I give myself credit for…
"Huh? Is this the crap that therapy thing was meant to do? To encourage you… to find good things about yourself? …leaving aside if I deserve it or not, it does feel nice."
Hugging my legs once again, I continued weeping.
"I want to heal…!" I cried, my voice a pathetic shade of its former self.
After the fifth sneeze, I realized how bad of an idea it was to stay out there during the night, so I went back to my dorm, found my empty room and dropped dead on the bed.
Next day, I had fever. Fuck me.
Chronology:
Lockdown 9 (december 1096); Valeria death 9-22?; Anna, Vika, Lada and their group join lonely Sonya 14; inner fight 15; Leto joins 15-19; Anna and Sonya talk and birth of USSG 17; second fire and Natalya joins 19; Vika death 20?; Rosalind meets Mephisto during the night 22; Lada snaps Andrey's neck 23; Mephisto goes away and catastrophe hits 23; Zoya finds her dead dad on Peterheim 23-24; the students spend around two weeks on the ruins; rescue 6/7 (january 1097).
During January 1097, Zima, Istina, Leto and Gummy become combat operators and Natalya (Rosa) joins Logistics (Gummy's first Operator Record also happens in this month). Two months later, in March 1097, Natalya becomes an operator too. The order of events according to present time is: Talking in Riddles, Meeting in a Dream (which got Zima to seek Natalya to talk about her nightmares), Hypocrisy, The Chosen and Business as Usual, Before Spring's Coming.
One year later, on January 1098, they celebrate the anniversary of their arrival, but not with Rosa (Habits).
At some unkown moment, there is food festival (Istina's Operator Record). At some other point, Gummy's second Operator Record occurs, where the girls go on a mission together and Gummy ends up preparing to go find her parents.