Quick name reference: Zima=Sonya, Istina=Anna, Gummy=Lada, Leto=Rosalind, Rosa=Natalya

What a loser does best

Still struck by disease, I wondered how Absinthe was doing after that night. Oh, that sounded lewd. My bad. I am a boy who feels attracted to pretty girls… and I'm also a messed up psycho who enjoys watching people cry. Ugh, is that the fever speaking or am I worse than bad?

Someone knocked on the door. I grunted something, but I was so sick I couldn't even process who entered or what they wanted. My mind just spiraled around last night's events. Crying after so long had felt terribly good, but it also destroyed my already dwindling stamina. I was so sick I wouldn't be surprised if I died. I didn't tell Hibiscus anything to avoid worrying Gavial again, but I was really on death's door.

…I was… until I wasn't. Sometime ago, a cold thing rested on my sweating forehead. It was thanks to a girl of long white hair. It was so long it fell back over her shoulders like cascades. It smelled good. That was worrisome.

"Are you feeling better, Mr. Kuznetsov? You were mighty feverous when I visited you."

Her voice felt familiar, but I was too dizzy to connect any dots. "Did you help me? Thank you…"

If not by that cold cloth on my head, my brain would have melted already. I really owed her my life, whoever she was. The polite lady chuckled and said something that didn't make sense to me.

"You are really out of it, are you not? In this state, you could very easily be taken advantage of. You should have been less stubborn and told Hibiscus the truth. You are lucky I had businesses to discuss with you."

I agreed. I was lucky. "Thank you."

The girl shortened the distance a bit more, allowing me to take a better look at her face. "Have you still not noticed who I am, Mr. Kuznetsov?"

Surprise shook me and I was temporarily transported to a very unpleasant past. I had seen her before, no shit! It was Natalya freaking Rostova! Embracing confusion as earnestly as a sick cub could, I flailed around for a bit, but the girl appeased me. Then she picked up a cushion. She smiled when I froze in disbelief, but the cushion was placed beneath my head, not over it.

"Fear not, Mikhail. I have no intention of bringing you any harm. I am not as uncouth as Zima." She giggled, teasing poor sick me. Poor sick me had a few words to reply, though.

"No. You're worse."

The sucker-punch surprised her initially, but she didn't feel as bad as I thought. At least, on the surface. The white-haired princess had aristocrat talents that we commoners lacked.

The fake smiling girl shrugged. "Feel free to hate me as much as you want on a personal level, but while you remain at Rhodes Island, I will ask of you not to be too disruptive during the fulfillment of my duties."

"Says the one who didn't do shit to stop the General."

I didn't really know what to expect. I wasn't aware either that they were at Rhodes when we met. When Zima saw me, she gave me a beating on the spot. It was just like old times! I've been thrashed around by many people in my time, but nobody left me as broken as Sonya. It was nostalgic.

Natalya became pensive after my lastest biting remark, but I felt frustrated. I was sick. And infected. I didn't feel like messing with her at that moment. Dissatisfied with how the situation was unfolding, I tried sitting up right to hold a proper conversation, but Natalya pushed me down again.

"I came for a different thing, but you are right. I'm sorry, Mikhail. I should have done something to stop her, but I didn't. I know how little my word means to you, but I promise to try doing better next time something of the sort occurs. Did you recover well from the injuries?"

My jaw dropped. Did she just apologize? I was too surprised to say anything, so the rest of her words flew over my head. I didn't even notice I had been made a question, so the aristocrat decided to continue talking instead.

"Zima was punished for attacking you and we talked with her about it. She won't beat you the next time you meet… probably. Sonya is not a bad girl. You know how complicated it is."

I closed my tired eyes and sighed. If fever was not enough, the conversation had to suddenly spin around her again. Blyat. As Natalya suggested, I knew better than most, but she probably had no idea how much further that applied to me. The intruder apologized once more and allowed me to rest in peace.

Feverous as I had been, after the door clicked shut, I wondered whether I had been having an impossible dream or not. The words 'I am sorry' kept repeating on my head over and over, but it wasn't with my voice this time. It was Natalya's.

An undeniable truth of a very scary fact: people can change. For the most part of the lockdown, Natalya had been the worst one of all the aristocrats. Worst yet, she probably wasn't even aware of it! But that… changed, didn't it?

I had no way of knowing, yet I needed to know. But I was too terrified to know. I only knew that I was afraid and that I was sick. Both sucked. And I couldn't do anything about the feverish nightmares that followed. At least those had been better than the ones that preceded Natalya's visit. …I also worried that the intruder might have heard something during my sleep. If she did…

I might have to kill her.

The next day, I was feeling a little better. The Ursus aristocrat sold me to the medics and Gavial forced food down my mouth to make sure I regained my strength. Had no one given her the memo that I had post-traumatic dysgeusia? Food tasted like literal shit when it touched my tongue and it made me want to vomit. No wonder I was thin like a stick. Too bad being so thin only encouraged the chief to feed me even more. I cried again, but from the purest form of disgust.

After the daily torture -lunch- was over, I was given yet another visit. I had gotten really popular recently, huh? The idea was not entirely displeasing. When I'm talking to others, I'm not talking to you, so I don't have to remember about the things I did. I'm sorry. I'm a guilty weak ass loser who still longs from some respite every once in a while.

"I have returned, Mikhail. Do you mind if I call you by your name?"

I frowned and shrugged. I had a name and a surname. Mikhail Kuznetsov. I couldn't care less which one she used. Both felt wrong when Natalya pronounced them. In fact, I may have been more comfortable with her calling me 'commoner' or something in those lines. The princess-like person took seat next to my study and remained neutral. Her confident look was quickly replaced with one of uncertainty, as if he had taken off a mask.

"How are you doing?"

I chuckled. "That's a tricky thing to ask to any of the survivors of Peterheim, wouldn't you agree? Say, who told Absinthe? Was it you?"

"Told what? I haven't faintest idea what you are talking about." Her eyes didn't look like those of a liar, even though nobles were usually fountains of lies. "Absinthe? Do you mean the ursus girl with the police gear? What is up with her?"

"…forget it." If she wasn't involved after all, then it was none of her business. I raised my arms and gestured. "What can I do for you today, your highness?"

"For starters, I would like it if you called me by my codename: Rosa. Is that too much to ask?"

Again with that polite attitude… I mean, yeah, she has always been a polite bear, but not towards people like me. What is wrong with her? Why does she care what I think? Hmm… Rosa? As in… morning dew? …nobles do like some poetry, so I wouldn't put it past her.

A ball of hatred resurged from the depths of my ever-burning stomach, so I vomited it to her face. "Do you think you've changed just because you got a new name? Well, bad news. You haven't. You're still the same shitty person that did the shittiest things at the shittiest place of all."

Despite my rude words, she didn't seem to budge. I mean, I could see the pain I caused in her now afflicted gray eyes, but she didn't avert them or close them. It upset me greatly, so I averted mine. I got worked up and considered saying another bunch of terrible things, but I managed to refrain from unleashing my tongue again.

Besides, I wasn't even right about those things. She wasn't the shittiest person. And she didn't do the shittiest things. That would be the psychopath that trapped us in Peterheim. Gathering the courage to speak, I grumbled. "I'm sorry. I'm a natural jerk. Always have been."

"…Zima said something similar."

"Of course she would. We've been enemies far before we went to middle school. General Zima, crusher of evil, bane of bullies. I happen to be one of those bullies… and it was wrong of me trying to mess with you just now. Sorry."

"Why? Don't you think I deserve it?"

I didn't fail to notice the implication of her latest question. That helped me confirm my fears. "Looking at you, I get the feeling you already got your punishment… Rosa."

"…that's an interesting point of view…" The girl murmured, busy trying to sort out her feelings. I shrugged and stood up to make some coffee for us. "The reason I came today was to guide you in the process of finding a suitable job in Rhodes Island. I became an operator very recently, but I have some knowledge on how Logistics work. I was told you are infected."

I glanced at her, smirked and considered threatening to eat her whole, like cubs were told about infected subhumans. It was a funny joke, but I simply dropped it and prepared the cups while satisfying her curiosity.

"The Catastrophe got me. A big chunk of metal pierced my shoulder and the originium in the air entered my blood torrent. I was offered to join Reunion then and there, but after I… expressed my discrepancies… they kicked me out of the landship. They probably thought the fall would kill me, but I got lucky."

"Not so much about getting infected. I'm sorry about it."

"That's creepy." I muttered with an unstable voice, creating a tense pause.

"What is?"

"You. Apologizing. It scares me. You are different from what I remember. It scares me more than I should be admitting, really."

"My, my. You are quite talkative for a survivor. This is only our second meeting and we weren't even part of the same group. Are you sure you should be telling me those things? Are you… okay with telling them to me?"

"Screw you, Rosa. I'm not a kind person. I'm not going to be considerate of your feelings and walk on my toes. You're a strong girl, anyway, so it's whatever. You can take it."

"That's a rude comment. And a wrong one, at that."

I finished preparing the refreshments and I sat on the floor after offering hers. The way she sat… it was refined, even if she was agitated. It was obvious to me. I couldn't say the same about my own thoughts on the matter. Since I'm not particularly smart, I gave up thinking and said whatever crap came to my mind.

"I'm not wrong. I am a loser, so I know one when I see one. You might have been a disgusting person in the past, but you've never been a loser. But anyway. I'm sure you didn't come here to receive my judgment on something that doesn't even matter anymore."

The girl glanced at me with curious eyes, probably trying to discern whether I was simply putting a tough front or being honest. Not that I cared.

"So. How does this go? What could I possibly do for Rhodes Island?" I insisted.

Rosa finished her coffee and left it on the desk to grab a notepad. "For starters, tell me about what you consider to be your virtues."

I started laughing. It took me a good minute to calm down, after which I apologized. She looked liked the perfect student council president!

"Haha… My bad. It's just, hah, that's a very good question! Hmm… Well, I'm a natural bully! When I see someone miserable, I kinda enjoy it. But not entirely. It doesn't feel good unless I mess with them hard enough. Ah, wait. That's not really a virtue, is it? Hahaha!"

Rosa remained cautious about me, but her manners didn't shy away. "That checks out with what operator Zima had to say about you. This… taunting side of yours might be a good feature while disrupting enemy formations. Even though you are… like this, you don't seem to find it as hard following orders as a certain someone. Have you considered going to the front lines?"

"Me? A fighter? Nah! I'm a bully, Rosa. I target weak people."

"May I ask… why? Being around Sonya has helped me learn more about the many types of bullies there are. She despises them all. Including you… and me. What kind of bully are you? Why do you do it?"

I didn't expect her to remain composed after my shameless attitude. Everybody hated bullies, so her question caught me off-guard. I wasn't ready to answer that.

What kind of bully I am? A weak loser. I know how it is to be on the receiving end, so I hate it when I see other people getting bullied. It makes me seethe with rage, so I use that anger to chase away the bullies.

When the people I rescued showed their gratitude… I corrected them with a fat smile on my mouth. I wasn't saving them. I was going to become their new tormentor and do a much better job at it than those amateurs. As a fellow loser, I knew what weak people hated the most, so I did it all. I kept pressing their buttons again and again, carefully measuring how far I could push them. I didn't want them taking their rage out on others or on themselves. If anyone had to take all the shit I gave them… that was me.

When things went as planned, by the end of it I would be squirming on the ground after getting completely destroyed by my former victim. Afterwards, I sometimes became the victim myself. Those were my just desert, so I sucked it up.

My first victim… well, I'd rather not talk about her. The next ones turned the tables on me and took their sweet revenge. Sometime afterwards, General Zima came to kick my ass every time I tried messing with someone again. Then… she moved away… and I…

"Oh, my. You stayed silent for a long while, but I didn't think you would start… … Here."

"…thanks."

I took her handkerchief and cleaned my tears. I smiled. It's been easier to cry as of late, which is amazing on its own right. I really owe Absinthe a big one and… as much as I resented Rosa, I also owed her. I tried regaining my composure and rubbed my messy red hair.

"What was the question? What kind of bully am I? Well, I am not a good person, but I don't like it when other people are pathetic. That's how even a jerk like me managed to make friends. I bullied some weak ass kids, I became the reason they learnt how to defend themselves and… well, I…" My throat was making it impossible to keep going, so I rubbed it. "It shouldn't have been possible… but the bully became his victim's friend. And they…"

You are dead.

I broke down. I kept running my mouth. I don't know what I told to Rosa. I probably wasn't even saying those things to her anymore. I was talking to you. Asking for your forgiveness over and over. Then the ursus girl approached me and caressed my back while maintaining a solemn expression.

It was just some back-rubbing… but that gesture helped me soften the knot tying and asphyxiating my innards. I lost track of time, but judging by the amount of moisture on the handkerchief, I had been going off on her for a while. I took in a deep breath.

"Crap. I'm sorry. I made you waste so much of your time and you didn't even manage to accomplish your goal." I groaned. "It's fine. Just find me any kind of grunt work you can. You're already saving my ass by helping me find some occupation."

"Are you really okay with… er… grunt work? I don't think there's anything like-"

"Grunt work, Rosa. It's not like I should do anything that requires too much responsibility in my current state. If you still don't get it, ask Gavial."

The lady glanced around the room for some reason and her expression became more somber. Was she looking for sharp objects? I was looking at one, haha. She was smart. Maybe too much for her own good. "I understand… Mikhail, are you going to psychological therapy?"

"I'm kinda putting it off."

"I recommend you give it a chance. Of course, there's a limit to what they can do for you… Tell me this. Do you want to feel better?"

I couldn't answer, but she saw right through me anyway.

"The first step to heal is to give yourself a chance. Everyone has things they blame themselves for, but if you don't consider redemption, you will never realize how to make it up to yourself."

Ah… So that's what was so creepy about Rosa. She was the personification of that very first step I had been so afraid to take. Natalya had discovered how bad she had been for sending her minions off to loot food from the commoners… but she had learned to focus on how to make up for her wrongdoings.

"I hate you." I muttered. "Get out."

Shocked by my blunt rejection, the noble lady took her leave without saying anything else. Never had silence oppressed my head so much. Or was it my own hands, covering my bear ears? The fever was resurging, so I went to sleep again. As expected, I found little to no comfort in my dreams. The was a storm outside my room… and another storm inside my head.

"Blyat… I shouldn't have said that…"

Another regret to the pile. Ugh, I hate being sick. My shoulder hurts so much…