Slackers, Episode 20: A Link Between Universes

by MihalisDualwielder

After a drunken Mew accidentally teleports all his friends to different parallel universes, he must team up with Marikoth to track them all down. (CRACKFIC/CROSSOVER FIC) (M FOR LANGUAGE AND ADULT HUMOR)

SLACKERS

EPISODE XX

A LINK BETWEEN UNIVERSES

---

It is a time of much-needed R&R for the owners and regular patrons of Slackers. Within the last year or so, they've been subjected to worlds of misadventure and misunderstanding. One might wonder how such individuals would be able to keep even a loose grasp on their sanity despite the unwarranted and unproductive chaos. As a result, though by no particularly conscious means, our heroes have nonetheless taken it upon themselves to settle on their grandest adventure yet: a six month hiatus, in which the time for documentation has been essentially nonexistent.

Now that all that fluff is out of the way, without further ado, foregoing any further potential interruptions or stalling, let's get on with what everyone's been up to.

The burning down of an industrial skyscraper would probably be enough for anyone to want to take a half-year hiatus. Wario has actually taken to being more careful with his money. He's afraid of being scammed once again, but of course, he would never allow anyone to even think he was anything less than grossly competent with his finances. Knuckles is still visiting regularly, though not as often. Seeing as how his trips from Angel Island all the way to Slackers tend to wind up in some kind of cosmic misadventure, he has become a bit more withdrawn and reclusive. He's even earned the nickname "Hermit," which has more than once been met with a swift punch in the face. Usually to Wario.

Mew, sadly, has still not completely gotten over being rejected by Celebi. Although he was heartened by a visit to literally meet God, watch Wario get screwed over, and bask in his immunity to hangovers, no amount of hookers and hot wings can mask the pain of loneliness and rejection he secretly carries. Thankfully, his relationship with his trainer has fully healed, and they've become inseparable. Mike being there to comfort Mew through the dark side of bachelorhood, and Mew to comfort Mike through the dark side of non-bachelorhood. He and Misty still argue like children day in and day out, but maybe this is a sign they're doing better than ever, in their own weird way.

And now? Mihalis, co-owner of Slackers, is leaning against the proprietor's side of the bar, after having served a Cabernet to his favorite customer of all time. It's times like these, of looming peace and tranquility, where everyone is completely at ease, nothing could possibly go wrong, and no one's life is about to be impacted in any way, shape, form, or fashion...

---

Anchor: In other news, another fire has broken out within the First Bank of Koopas. Firefighters and their teams of Squirtles are working nonstop to put out the flames, but eyewitnesses claim it appears that the fires are only continuing to increase, despite the endless barrage of water...

Along the counter at the semi-famous bar in Downtown New Donk City, a citizen rubs his forehead with his hand, a glass of beer in the other, rested firmly on the table. Among this town's population, he would be considered a bit more normal in appearance, especially compared to the regular patron three seats to his left. Coincidentally, he is also rubbing his forehead in repeated exasperation. This scene-being so tired of all the stupid bullshit life throws at them-has become all too familiar. Which, in turn, is good news for Mihalis, whom profits on those seeking refuge and antidotes for stupid bullshit. In this case...

Knuckles: I think I need another.

Mike: Knux, this is your fourth glass. You sure?

Knuckles: Do I look like I'm joking?

Mike: Huh. I guess Wario and I really are rubbing off on you after all.

Knuckles: Compare me to either one of you lunatics again and I'll expose your entire supplier program to the BBB.

Mike stops to contemplate the ultimatum for what feels like hours. Approximately 2.67 seconds later...

Mike: Coming right up, sir.

Knuckles: That's more like it!

Mike uncorks another bottle of wine he exclusively keeps for Knuckles, pouring a generous serving before handing over the glass to his best customer.

Mike: I guess I shouldn't be making comments like that until you've had sixteen more of these.

Knuckles: You had twenty glasses of wine in one sitting? What the hell is wrong with you?

Mike: Well, no one ever thought I'd ever make it to 20, and at that point, I was so drunk and uninspired, I guess I tried to force myself to prove that I could do 20.

Knuckles: So, by the time you got to 20, you were completely exhausted, and doing it just so you said you could? For no other reason whatsoever?

Mike: Yeah, pretty much. I mean, 20 is a pretty big milestone.

The two of them briefly glance at what would be the camera, before turning back to each other.

Then the front door to the bar flies open, and in walks a gruff, pudgy Italian wearing a hospital gown. Reactions are mixed among the patrons. Most recognize him and aren't really surprised knowing what kind of antics he's been up to, but to Mike and Knuckles, this files right into the "stupid bullshit" category.

Wario: Hey hey hey! The man they couldn't hold down is back!

Knuckles: Oh yay. Wario. You're back from the hospital.

Wario: Don't give me that whole unenthused act, I see right through it. Deep down, you know you love me and are psyched to have me back!

Knuckles: What the hell, why not?

Knuckles rolls his eyes and takes a large swig. Mike, with an eyebrow raised, stares at his fellow co-owner.

Mike: Am I supposed to ask about the hospital gown?

Wario: Haven't had time to change yet. Those greedy bastards wouldn't get my clothes for me.

Mike: You were creepily hitting on all the nurses and scared them all away.

Wario: ... maybe.

Mike: You're an idiot.

Wario: And you're a depressed alcoholic with a nicotine problem and a loveless relationship, but you don't hear me calling you out!

Mike growls.

Knuckles: You literally just called him out by saying that.

Wario: And you! You're just as bad as the rest of the world!

Knuckles: What the hell are you talking about?

Wario: The way you say "literally" all the goddamn time! What other context would you use? Did I metaphorically call him out? Everyone always says "literally" to enhance their statements! It's annoying, and it's dumb!

Mike: Are we seriously arguing over literally theory-goddammit, LITERARY theory-again when there's a story to be told?

Knuckles: We haven't been part of a good story in months, and you know that.

Mike: I just want to know why Wario feels it necessary to show off his ass in public. No protection from his potential toxic fumes. It's like living in Chernobyl.

Wario: Like I said, the nurses wouldn't bring me my clothes.

Mike: So instead of going home to change, you decided to come straight to the bar in an assless gown?

Wario opens his mouth to speak, but stops short of uttering a sound. He thinks for a second, and realizes he doesn't have anything in the form of a reasonable reply.

Wario: ... maybe.

Knuckles: Why were you even in the hospital in the first place? Another heart attack induced by strippers, beer, and bacon garlic cheeseburgers?

Wario: It wasn't a heart attack! It was a heat stroke!

Mike: It was not a heat stroke, Wario. It was a regular stroke. Because of your aforementioned diet.

Wario: Nuances.

Mike: Stupid bullshit.

Knuckles: So your diet has given you heart attacks and strokes. How the hell have you not started eating better? Do you have a death wish or something?

Wario: Hey! I don't tell you how to live your life and you don't-

Knuckles: Nah. I'm telling you how to live your life. Literally.

Wario glares at Knuckles.

Wario: Say that again.

Knuckles: Lit. Ter. Al. Lee.

Wario readies a punch, but Knuckles pulls a move from the very first pilot and flips Wario. Unfortunately, he accidentally landed him face down, becoming fully exposed to his rather large rear end.

Mike: Knux! What the hell!

Knuckles: Ugh... yeah, you're right. Bad call.

Wario starts yelling, but seeing as he's face down to the ground, everything is muffled.

Mike: Wario, we've been over this. You have to roll over BEFORE yelling so we can understand you.

Knuckles: I'm not sure he CAN roll over.

Mike groans, walks around the bar, squats, and attempts to roll Wario over.

Mike: Keep standing there while I throw out my back, Knuckles. It's real helpful.

Knuckles sighs and walks over to help Mike roll Wario over. Several strained grunts later, they are able to accomplish their behemoth task.

Wario: Where the hell is Mew, anyway? Why can't he just come heal me?

Knuckles: Because he's not stupid enough to be your enabler.

Knuckles looks around the room and glances at the employee lounge, where the door is ajar and the lights are off.

Knuckles: Come to think of it, I haven't seen Mew around in weeks. Where is he?

Wario: Mike probably drove him to run away again.

Mike kicks Wario in the shin.

Wario: Ow...

Mike: He's on a sabbatical. Like I should be.

Wario: You? You've officially been living the world's easiest life!

Mike: That's not true.

Wario: Name one hard thing you have to deal with.

Mike: Working with you.

Knuckles: Can't set him up like that, War.

Wario shrugs.

Wario: That's fair.

Knuckles: Fair? It's the most accurate thing he's ever said.

Mike: You're not the one who has to work with him.

Knuckles: I'm also not the one who owns a Mew and is therefore the wealthiest man in history.

Mike shrugs.

Mike: That's fair.

Knuckles: *groaning* Dumbass...

---

That evening...

---

It's a peaceful scene on the balcony of Mike's penthouse. He's laying down in a long chair next to a lit firepit, wearing two jackets to accommodate the cold, windy weather, and taking a sip of some of his favorite whiskey. He examines the bottle, remembering how it was his estranged father whom introduced him to it. In his other hand, he's scrolling through photos on his phone, and stops at one of him and Mew. He's never been known to be a fan of selfies, but Mew is one of the rare people he'll willingly take one with. He looks, notes how happy his Pokémon appears, and sighs.

Misty: Hey, what are you up to?

Taken by surprise, Mike stuffs his phone in one of his many jacket pockets and looks over his shoulder at an oncoming Misty.

Mike: Nothing, why?

Misty: Kind of weird for you to be sulking out here all by yourself.

Mike: I'm not sulking! Just came out here to think is all.

Misty: You're the sulkiest man I've ever met.

Mike: Why is it that everyone automatically assumes I'm "sulking" when maybe I just wanted to think to myself in some peace and quiet?

Misty: Because you usually are.

Mike: What do you want?

Misty: Just came to see what was on your mind.

She takes an empty seat across the firepit. She looks at him, offering a small smile.

Mike: I guess I'm thinking about how... I don't know... normal everything has gotten lately.

Misty: What's normal about YOUR life? Mr. I'm-the-savior-of-the-world.

Mike: Come on, I didn't let it get to my head THAT much... did I?

Misty: Maybe a little. But it's okay. You seem to have pulled your head out of your ass since then.

Mike: I just meant, so much was happening months ago... really exciting stuff... and I feel bad because I haven't felt like doing anything in all that time.

Misty: Well, maybe it's a good thing. Maybe you needed a break.

Mike: I just want to get back to everything being dangerous and exciting. Stuff I could write about and share with others.

Misty: You've been so busy at the bar, you haven't really had time. It's okay. You'll find time for more adventures if you really put your mind to it.

Mike: I guess. I don't know, I guess I... feel like it would be forced. I want it to just... happen. On its own.

Misty: Then you've either got to go out of your way to chase that feeling, or be patient. No simple task for the world's least patient man.

Mike: *laughs* You got me there.

They smile at each other, but their glance is short lived as they see a twinkle in the sky. It catches their attention, but not as much attention as the aftermath. From the source of the sudden little flash, a familiar figure flies into view.

Misty: Look, it's Mew!

Mew sees how Mike and Misty are the only ones on the balcony, and flies toward them. Maybe a little slower than usual, and looking a little sullen. It's all they need to know to find out the kind of news he has.

Mike: Hey, buddy. Any luck?

Mew simply shakes his head as he arrives, hovering near the fire.

Misty: You okay?

Mew: I looked everywhere. Started in Johto, then looked in the other regions. I even went to a sewage facility that made Wario smell like fresh daisies.

Mike: I'll never stop being jealous of your ability to turn off your sense of smell.

Misty: So you haven't seen her at all since... that night?

Mew: No. I don't know why she's hiding or why she won't talk to me. I just don't get it.

Mew sighs and floats toward the door inside.

Mike: Where are you going?

Mew: The lounge. If I can't find love, I'll just go jerk off to Real Housewives of Celadon City.

Mike: ...TMI, dude.

Mew, unfazed, floats for the elevator and disappears behind the doors.

Mike: Poor guy.

Misty: Yeah. We should do something for him.

Mike: Do something? Like what?

Misty: Maybe a party? Or taking him somewhere he loves?

Mike: The only places Mew loves are Hoothoots and Conker's, neither of which you would particularly enjoy.

Misty: No, you pig. Not somewhere he can just look at eye candy all day. I mean something meaningful. Even if it was just at the bar. I want him to remember he's loved and appreciated.

Mike looks into the sky, aware of the warmth on his left cheek from the nearby fire. He knows there's no cake constellation, but the random formation of a few stars oddly resembling a cake gives him an idea.

---

The next night...

---

Sparing yet another detailed description, we see Wario serving Knuckles at the bar.

Wario: Hey, remember that time I owed you twenty bucks, and I paid you back in nickels?

Knuckles: Idiot.

Wario looks at the clock.

Wario: Closing time. You know what that means.

He walks around the bar, takes the stage, and proudly grips the microphone.

Wario: Alright, everyone! Slackers is now closed for the evening! Good night, and thank you for your continued patronage. Now...

He puffs up his chest.

Wario: Get the fuck out!

In most bars, customers might find this offensive and rude (well, even here, most of them still think it's pretty damn rude, but hey, it's Wario), but they've grown accustomed to it over the years. Slowly but surely, everyone walks out single file until only Wario, Knuckles, and Marikoth (whom had been sitting a few seats down from Knuckles) remain.

Mare: That was surprisingly uneventful.

Wario: Story of my life for the last six months.

Knuckles takes a deep breath and smiles.

Knuckles: It's so nice, isn't it?

Wario: You are a really boring guy, you know that?

Knuckles: I'm sorry, but am I the only one here who doesn't get a boner for everything always going wrong somehow?

Mare: Do you think you could have used another word besides "boner?" Like, a buzz, or a high?

Wario: His vocabulary is weird, just let it be.

Knuckles: Say what you will, you're not ruining my zen.

Mare: Your zen? Who talks like that?

Knuckles: A guy who spent almost his entire life guarding the Master Emerald. You get a lot of time for meditation.

Mare: When it's not busy being shattered by water monsters and big-boobed bats.

Wario: Hey now, Rouge had nothing to do with that. He shattered it himself that time!

Knuckles groans.

Knuckles: I swear to god, Wario. For the last time, I did that to stop Eggman from stealing it!

Wario: Wouldn't it have made more sense to have just let him steal it, then steal it right back so you wouldn't have to track down broken pieces across the whole planet?

Knuckles: And let that fat turd use it to conquer the world? I think not.

Wario: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Knucklehead.

In the nick of time, the elevator doors open, and Mike walks out.

Mike: Whatever you guys were talking about, leave me out of it.

Mare: Gladly.

Knuckles: Heard from Mew?

Mike: He'll be here soon. Is the cake ready?

Wario: Ready and waiting!

Mike: Awesome.

Mare: You got a cake? I wanted yeast rolls!

Mike: No. You're violent when you get near those things.

Knuckles: Violent?

Mike: Oh yeah, it's terrible! First he starts frothing at the mouth, and pity any poor fool who gets between him and his yeast rolls. One time, Misty made a batch for everyone in the bar, and he ate the guy in the front of the line's arm off.

Knuckles: He did?

Mare: I did?

Mike: I'm not surprised you don't remember, Mare. You were blind with rage.

Mare: Sue me, I like yeast rolls.

Mike: I actually could sue you for amputating a guy in my bar without a license.

Mare: I'll have you know I'm a licensed doctor!

Wario: You are?

Mare: Yeah! How the hell did you not know that? I went to med school for ten years!

Knuckles: No offense, but the med schools in Morrowind are likely vastly different from the ones here.

Mare: Name one way.

Knuckles: We don't use magic and heal spells here.

Mare: But you DO use an all-powerful Psychic Pokémon to heal you when you get even the smallest paper cut.

Knuckles: Tough talk for someone who has used that Pokémon to heal himself.

Mare: You SHOT me.

Knuckles: ... oh yeah.

A bright, white light briefly appears in the lounge, and a second after it fades, a familiar Pokémon flies into view. Mew looks confused, as he isn't used to this kind of commotion going on in the bar after hours.

Mew: What's going on here? I miss something?

Wario: Yep, we're planning your intervention.

Mew: For your sake, you'd better be lying.

Knuckles: He's Wario. Of course he's lying.

Mew: Well, I know THAT'S not lying...

Mike: Although we really were actually waiting for you.

Mew: For what?

Mike walks over to a hidden object obscured by a giant piece of opaque plastic, conspicuously placed in a corner.

Mew: When did that get there?

Mike: Mew, I know you've been through a lot, and I don't think we ever properly made it up to you when we took you for granted...

Mew: Mike, please tell me you didn't blab about Cel—er... about that!

Wario: Oh? Blab about what? Another relapse of the herp-a-derp?

Knuckles clocks Wario upside the head.

Wario: Ow...

Mare: Mike never told us anything, but we all know, bud. She's a damn fool.

Mew: Great...

Mike: Nope, there's nothing to blab. We just wanted to do something nice for you!

Mew: I bet there's a Darkrai or something equally sinister under that sheet.

Knuckles accompanies Mike, and together they pull back the plastic sheet, revealing a massive, ten-foot-tall cake.

Mew: Whoa...

Wario: Happy birthday!

Knuckles clocks Wario upside the head.

Wario: What the hell did I do that time?

Knuckles: It's not his birthday, dumbass.

Wario: Why didn't you just tell me?

Knuckles: *shrugs* You never asked.

Wario: I hate you.

Mew: That's, um... unexpected, guys. Thanks, though!

Mike: Anytime, pal!

Everyone stands awkwardly, waiting for something to happen, or for someone to say something.

Mew: Well?

Mike: Well what?

Mew: Where's the stripper?

Wario: Stripper?

Mike checks his watch, then looks at Wario, feigning stupidity.

Wario: What?

Mike: Where is she, Wario?

Wario: Uh... well, I... um...

Mike: You forgot the stripper again, didn't you.

Wario: I can explain!

Mike: The whole point was to make this a day full of things Mew loves, and he loves strippers! I can't believe you forgot the damn stripper! Why else would we order a massive cake? So YOU could pop out of it?

Mew: God forbid.

Knuckles: There's not enough flour in the world.

Wario: What was I supposed to do? Giant cakes ain't cheap, and neither are strippers!

Mare: So you had a choice between cake and a stripper, and you chose the cake. Wow.

Wario: We needed food and we can't eat strippers!

Mare: Well, the rest of us can't...

Wario: If you're all done with the fat jokes, can we just have some damn cake and beer?

Knuckles: What a surprise, Wario ignoring an argument so he can eat his cake.

Wario: Grr...

Mike: Anyway...

Mike walks around to the other side of the bar and takes a case of beer out of his cooler. He brings the case of liquid gold over to their usual poker table.

Mike: Mew, my friend, we are gonna party with you and help you remember you're better off without Celebi.

Mew: It's gonna take more than a solitary case of beer to help with that.

Mew's eyes glow blue, indicating he's about to use some kind of power. A bright light consumes the room for about a second, and everyone covers their eyes. When they're opened, they're stunned by what lies before them.

Knuckles: Um...

Mare: Yeah...

The group is now surrounded by hundreds of cases of beer, piling on top of tables and lining stacked against the walls.

Wario: Woohoo! Now we're talking!

Mike: That's a LOT of beer, Mew. Even by my standards.

Each of them opens a beer and sits down together at the table. Mike leans back and puts his feet on the table.

Mike: See? Everything's gonna be just fine. We got you.

Mew: I really wish you wouldn't be so public with my personal life, M.

Wario: Are you kidding? We've all been way too public with our personal lives around each other. We all know far too much anyway at this point.

Knuckles: As much as I hate to agree with Wario...

They continue chatting, buzzes begin to fill their heads, and when they've averaged about six beers in apiece, the topic of Celebi comes up once more.

Wario: See, Mew? This is great! She don't deserve you anyway, brother!

Mew: Yeah! Screw her! I'm doing just fine on my own!

Mew's fake confidence immediately turns to despair as he hangs his head low.

Mew: Oh, who am I kidding? She's the only girl I've ever felt that way about. I'll never find someone else like that.

Knuckles: Come on, there's tons of amazing girls who'd love to have you.

Mew: You're just saying that to calm me down.

Mike: Mew, if there's one thing I can say with confidence, it's that if you want her, you'll find her. I know you will.

Mew: Yeah, right.

Mike: I'm serious. Have I ever steered you wrong?

Everyone: ...

Mike: ... you're right. Moving on.

Knuckles takes a look around the room. Mike notices, and can't help but make out his gesture. He looks terrified.

Knuckles: I'm not sure leaving this group in here with this much beer is such a good idea...

Mike: Knux, you're panicking. Relax. We're here, we're safe. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Knuckles: That's not reassuring at all.

Wario: What do you think is gonna happen? We all wake up in weird, mysterious places or something?

Knuckles: Oh my god...

He groans, the guys continue what will appear to be a rather large group drinking binge, and everything becomes a blur.

---

The next morning...

---

As any reader of this series can most likely predict, the scene is a complete pigsty. Boxers are hanging from the ceiling fan, pizza boxes are scattered across the floor, and some country music is playing quietly on some cheap speakers. The only movement we end up seeing is the rustling inside a huge mountain of empty beer bottles. An elvish hand meanders its way to the top, and bottles begin rolling off the summit of Mt. Beer.

Marikoth eventually makes his way out of the pile, looking like he would swiftly embrace sweet, beautiful death were he presented with the opportunity. He lets out an unearthly groan and rubs his eyes.

Mare: Ugh... Knux... we seriously need to stop doing that...

He can't help but feel extremely disappointed with himself. How many times have we cut to this scene now? Mare looks around before groaning and rolling his eyes. He's feeling a combination of the usual pain that comes with a hangover, and an overwhelming sense of redundancy.

He also feels a little annoyed that no one is responding to him.

Mare: Knux?

He looks around, no echidna in sight.

Mare: Mike? Wario?

He slowly drags his feet, his head hanging low and his eyes shut, trying to meander his way over to the bathroom. On his way, his head bumps into something, and a brief jolt of pain radiates throughout his brain. He groans, and looks up to the culprit object.

Mare: What the hell?

What he finds is a snoring Mew, hanging from a ceiling light by his tail like an opossum. It's typical to find someone in a wacky state like this, but at this point, he's just happy to have found someone else he can whine to about his self-inflicted migraine. He gently taps Mew's head, hoping to wake him up. This fails, as it has only accomplished making Mew swing in place like a pendulum. Finally he begins yelling at him.

Mare: MEW! WAKE UP!

No help. Mare groans again and picks up the closest empty beer bottle. His judgment is still a little cloudy, so he takes a step back and chucks the beer bottle at the overhead light. It misses by, well, a lot. He picks up another one and throws it, this time impacting Mew's tail. This causes it to uncoil, and Mew's head to hit the floor. Mare immediately realizes what he's done and takes a step back, hoping Mew won't tie his limbs into a pretzel knot or something. Mew simply rolls over and groans.

Mare: Oh good, you're up.

Mew: Stupid elf...

Mare: I'm not used to seeing you like this.

Mew: Right, thanks for the reminder.

Mew closes his eyes, glows briefly, and immediately perks up.

Mew: All better!

Mare: You used Recover to cure your hangover?

Mew smiles.

Mare: Jerk.

Mew: I pity you guys for having to deal with that. It's hell.

Mare: You don't have to tell me, you lucky punk.

Mew looks around the room.

Mew: Where is everyone?

Mare: No idea. I was hoping you knew.

Mew: MIKE! KNUX! WARIO!

Marikoth angrily covers his ears.

Mare: Jesus, can you yell any louder? I don't have a splitting headache or anything.

Mew, seeing an opportunity to take advantage of Marikoth's sarcasm, uses Screech. Marikoth's defense sharply falls, as well as his patience.

Mare: You little pink asshole!

Mew grins smugly. Marikoth takes two pills out of his pocket, in anticipation of such an event.

Mare: Seriously, where is everyone? Did they disappear or go home or something?

Mew: You know what's weird... my memory is a little hazy. Usually it's photographic, but the last thing I remember was changing my voice to make Mike and Wario think they'd insulted each others' girlfriends.

Mare: Hah! That was great! They ended up beating the hell out of each other!

---

Last night...

---

Mike and Wario are having a conversation. Mew notices, and subtly floats over to their location at the bar. He hides behind it, concocting a little scheme.

Mike: I've always wondered, how come Kansas is pronounced the way it's spelled, but Arkansas is "Ar-can-saw" when it has the word "Kansas" in it?

Wario: I think people in Kansas call it "Ar-Kansas," but I wouldn't say it in Arkansas.

Mike: Why not?

Wario: It probably pisses them off. Which is dumb. I mean, how boring is your life to where THAT is what you choose to hone your anger on?

Mew snickers and uses his psychic powers to change his voice to Mike's and throw it in his location.

Mew: *as Mike* Well, I guess when everyone there is like Mona and only horny for their own family, they have to be angry about something!

Wario: What's that supposed to mean?

Mike looks around, confused.

Mike: Huh?

Mew: *as Wario* At least she isn't like Misty, dumber than a boatload of inbred Magikarps!

Mike: You trying to start something with me?!

Now it's Wario's turn to look around in confusion.

Wario: What are you talking about? You're the one starting shit, asshole!

Mike: Starting what? Me kicking your ass until you shut the hell up?

Wario: You're a dead man!

They begin to beat the hell out of each other. Everyone looks on. Normally they'd dismiss this as Mike-Wario drama as usual, but since everyone's been drinking...

Knuckles: Wooooo! Bar fight!

Mare: Kick his ass!

Knuckles: Who are you talking to?

Mare: I don't care! Someone's beating someone up, though!

Mew covers his mouth behind the bar, attempting to hide the hysterical laughter.

---

Present...

---

Mew sighs.

Mew: Ah, good times...

Mare: Seriously, we gotta find these guys. No one's answering their phones. You don't remember anything after that?

Mew: Nope, I... wait...

Mare: What?

Mew: Was I dreaming, or did this weird guy in a hoodie show up with some really strong shit?

Mare: Weird guy in a... wait... no... did he? I thought I dreamed that too. Unless it was another psychic prank.

Mew: No, I feel like that might have actually happened.

Mare: It would explain why we can't remember anything after that. Damn, I don't even remember what kind of drugs he had.

Mew: It must have been strong if it made ME lose my memory.

Mare: I wonder if he had something to do with everyone vanishing. Let's see... if I remember right, he had a hoodie, a grey face, orange hair, and he was huge. Like, ripped.

Mew: Yeah, that sounds about right. He was talking to me way more than everyone else.

Mare: Do you remember what he said to you?

Mew: I think I... wait...

Mew suddenly has a flash of memory, and what he finds is, to put it simply, horrifying.

Mew: Oh no.

Mare: What?

Mew can't bring himself to say anything for a moment. Mare looks on him, a mixture of menacing and panicking.

Mare: *raising his voice* What, Mew?

Mew: I know what happened to everyone.

Mare: Are you going to drag this on to prolong the episode in a cheap fashion or are you just going to tell me?

Mew: The guy's name was Geraldo. And he told me it would be hilarious if I teleported everyone to parallel universes.

Marikoth's eyes widen immensely. No amount of meditation, training, patience, or preparation could prepare him for that.

Mare: What the fuck?!

Mew: *winces* I know, I screwed up...

Mare: Do you remember where you sent them?!

Mew squeezes his eyes shut, trying to jog his memory. Unfortunately, all he remembers is sending everyone to random places, and not thinking about exactly where they're going, nor caring about having to find them later.

Mew: Nope.

Mare: Dammit, Mew! How the hell are we supposed to find them?!

Mew: Deus ex machina?

Mare: The hell does that even mean?!

Mew: I don't know, Mike says it when he wants to sound smart.

Mare: So you're saying you warped all our friends out of this universe into others, and there's absolutely no way of finding out where they are, much less getting them back?

Mew laughs nervously, knowing full well he's completely screwed.

---

That night...

---

Slackers has been closed for an hour. With the disappearance of the bar's owners, Mew has had to run the place today. He was able to get away with lying about the incident, informing everyone that Mike, Wario and Knuckles had decided to take a trip to Angel Island. He knows this ruse won't work forever, which is one of the major reasons he's now at the bar drinking alone. The other reasons including the mistakes he's made, notably: sending the others to parallel universes, having no idea where they are or how to get them back, and Celebi still lingering in the back of his mind.

He feels completely alone, the most he's felt in his entire life.

He spent the first part of his existence alone, but it was all he knew. He hadn't known company. Now that he's been with his trainer for 19 years, he's always around loved ones. For them to suddenly disappear because of him, it's too much for him to handle. This is why he's now on a barstool, telekinetically moving whiskey bottles from their shelves to the bar, and picking them up with his tail to drink. He rests his head on the bar after taking a large swig, sighing, and closing his eyes.

Mew is one of the more complex individuals in this group. He's usually happy, perky, and bubbly on the outside. He's the neighborhood prankster, the practical joker, the resident comedian. He is also the most mentally anguished. Having all the power in the world doesn't make him happy, because he knows that since he has ultimate power, there is nowhere to go but down, and he feels there's nothing to work up to. It doesn't help when the one girl he's ever loved wants nothing to do with him, and he's used that same power to put himself in this position.

These are things a Mew thinks about when he's drunk alone at his trainer's bar. And I'm sure this is the first instance where you've ever seen those words combined in a sentence. That is, until a knock is heard at the door.

Mew ignores it. The knock repeats.

Mew: Go away, we're closed!

The shadowy figure at the door will not, in fact, go away. Mew sighs and floats to the door. He uses his powers to unlock and open the door, revealing a short, slender figure, whose facial features are completely obscured by a hooded cloak.

Mew: Can't you read the damn sign? We're closed!

Figure: I know who you are, Mew.

Mew: I'm sure you do. I'm known to hang around here with some frequency.

Figure: And I know you warped four individuals to alternate universes last night.

Mew seizes up and breaks a sweat.

Mew: How could you possibly know that?

Figure: I'll explain later. Right now, you need to take this, and hurry.

She takes out a small note, and holds it out in front of Mew.

Mew: What is this?

He takes the note and looks at it. Immediately, his eyes widen and his heart races. It looks like a list of where everyone was sent to. Mew rubs his eyes and shakes his head.

Mew: Wha... how did...

He looks up. The hooded figure is gone. Mew shakes his head again and looks around.

He flies off at full speed down the street to look for her. About three seconds later, he flies back to the bar, having forgotten to lock the door. He then flies back down the street and dozens of others, looking for the person whom handed him this note. He knows it couldn't have been that Geraldo guy who convinced him to warp everyone in the first place. He was a burly man, the individual he just encountered sounded like a woman. After several minutes of searching, Mew stops in his tracks. He realizes he's not going to find this person if she was able to disappear so quickly like that.

His first instinct is to inform the only friend who woke up with him at the bar this morning. He closes his eyes and initiates a teleport, disappearing from sight.

---

Morrowind

---

We immediately cut to a snoring Elf sprawled out on his bed. His mouth is hanging halfway open, and his right arm is dangling from the bedside. Marikoth has clearly elected to try to sleep off his illness after being warped home by Mew, and he hasn't been in the mood to wake up anytime soon.

Puddles: Greninja!

In comes Puddles, Marikoth's loyal and trusty Greninja, and perhaps the only Pokemon living on the surface of Nirn. He notices his companion's sleepy stupor, impeding his task of summoning him to the front door.

Puddles: NINJAAAA!

Screaming obviously didn't work, so he resorts to a tactic that comes second nature to his type. He takes a few steps back and throws a Water Shuriken at the hapless elf. Marikoth flails his arms before falling off the side of the bed.

Mare: Owww...

Puddles, a rather serious individual, gives Mare a stern look.

Mare: This had better be good...

Puddles: Ja! Nin-JA!

Mare: Huh? There's someone at the front door?

Puddles nods and points at the door.

Mare: And I need to see him right away unless...

Puddles: Greninja!

Mare: Unless I feel like being caught in an endless Wrap attack with no chance at escape?

Puddles shrugs. Mare immediately catches on and begrudgingly drags his feet towards the door. He opens it to find his small, pink, levitating friend, looking uncharacteristically serious.

Mare: Mew? What are you doing here?

Mew: You're not gonna believe what I'm about to tell you.

---

One explanation later, in Marikoth's living room...

---

Mare: So let me get this straight. You were at the bar alone, and another mysterious figure shows up.

Mew: Right.

Mare: And you took their advice, even though you took the advice of another stranger last night.

Mew: Right.

Mare: And what part of me is supposed to think this is a good idea?

Mew: The part that realizes that this is the only option we have, and the part that remembers you're talking to a demigod.

Mare: Demigod? And I'm a high-fantasy magical elf with superior archery skills.

Mew: Isn't that EXACTLY what you are?

Mare: ... wait, I got that backwards... I was... hang on...

Mew: Focus, we're getting off topic! It's way too early for that!

Mare: You sure? This has dragged on long enough already.

Mew: Mare!

Mare: Sorry. Anyway, I'm not so sure about this plan.

Mew: What part do you need help with?

Mare: The part about us warping randomly between parallel universes, hoping we'll find our friends somewhere in each one, which in and of itself is already like finding hay in a needlestack-

Mew: You're getting it backwards again.

Mare: Sheesh, can you blame me? I mean, look at the people I hang out with. Mike once put my ass on my face due to a "transporter accident."

Mew covers his mouth, trying to hide his first giggle in hours. Marikoth groans.

Mare: You get my point. Besides, you can't teleport to places you've never been.

Mew: Well, about that...

Mare: If you tell me you've been lying about that all this time...

Mew: I wasn't "lying," per se, but it's actually kind of complicated.

Mare: You're an omnipotent Psychic Pokemon. You could turn the Kremlin into a bowl of banana pudding. How complicated can this be?

Mew: The thing is, my teleports are only totally accurate when I can picture exactly where I'm going. If I've never been there, I could potentially warp into a men's bath house or the bottom of the ocean surrounded by killer sharks.

Mare: Sharks don't swim at the bottom of the ocean.

Mew: Mare, for the last time, FOCUS!

Mare: Sorry. Had to. Carry on.

Mew: My point is, I can technically teleport to parallel universes I've never visited, but it's risky.

Mare: Couldn't you just rewarp and recover in the worst case scenario?

Mew: Alone, sure, but who's to say I wouldn't accidentally warp you into the middle of a giant trash compactor or something?

Mare: You're not exactly selling me on this trip, Mew.

Mew: Even though the second stranger gave me a list of not only which universes everyone got sent to, but the exact locations on each planet?

Mare: In that case, why can't you just bring them back?

Mew: Who knows what kind of hostilities they might encounter? Imagine if we tried warping Knuckles and I accidentally warped a Dark-type legendary Pokemon instead.

Mare: The odds of that are pretty slim.

Mew: Even if they were a billion to one, I'd still rather go myself and make sure it's our buddy who's coming home.

Mare sighs and sits silently for a moment, sipping his coffee. Finally he leans forward to set his hot beverage down on the coffee table in front of him.

Mare: Alright. But you'd better be right about this, Mew.

Mew smiles, and a bright light begins to engulf both of them.

Mew: Come on, when have I ever been wrong?

Mare: Well, I'm fucked.

The light flashes with great intensity, and it vanishes, along with the former occupants of the living room.

---

Elsewhere...

---

We warp to a completely different scene, in what looks to be a mediocre city park. The ground is covered in snow, and encircling a decent-sized pond. People from the nearby town are here, minding their own business, having blanket-adorned picnics, playing catch with their children. The atmosphere is indeed serene.

That is, until a bright light flashes along the edge of the pond, and two creatures from another universe magically appear.

Citizen: Holy shit! What the fuck is that?!

Other citizen: It's the visitors! They've learned the powers of shape-shifting!

Canadian: Eh! We need to git outta hare, nuuw, eh!

The people in the park begin running in circles, screaming, and one of them spontaneously combusts.

Mew: Well, we're off to a good start.

Mare: Why does everyone here look like they're made out of construction paper? And why does the one with the funny accent have a flapping head like a garbage lid?

Mew: We aren't really ones to talk, considering the weird creatures that inhabit our own universe.

Mare shrugs in mild agreement. He then looks over to a nearby sign, reading in all-black, capital letters: "STARK'S POND."

Mare: You sure this is where you sent Wario?

Mew: No, but that list is all I have to go on, so we might as well look around here first.

Mare: I'd hate to see what these people would do to him if they got a hold of him...

Everyone in the park scatters and leaves in a panic, with the exception of four wide-eyed, curious boys, all looking to be about age nine.

Stan: Dude! What the hell are you guys?

Kyle: Yeah, and where did you come from?

Kenny: Mmmph-mmmph mmmph-mmmph mmmph mmm-mmm-mmmph mmm-mmmph mmmph!

Cartman: Goddammit, shut the fuck up Kenny, that was just a dream!

Kyle: Some dream, you had flames coming out of your ass.

Cartman: You would pay attention to my ass!

Mare: Whoa! Kids seriously talk like that here? Where are your parents?

Stan: Back home. Although we can pretty much do whatever we want, now that they know we can call the cops and tell them they "molestered" us if they piss us off.

Cartman: Sweet.

Mare: I'm glad you're not MY kids.

Stan: Me too, then we'd be as ugly as you!

Mare: Grr...

Mew giggles.

Kyle: Seriously, though, what the hell is going on?

Mew: Mare, is this gonna be one of those things where we have to uphold the Prime Directive so as to not interfere with the natural order of alien worlds?

Mare thinks long and hard about his answer to this eternally complicated, delicate, morally polarizing question.

Mare: Nah.

Mew: You all seem pretty open-minded.

Kyle: We like to think so.

Cartman: Kyle, you just like asserting your "higher moral character" by being so holier-than-thou you think you're Jesus!

Kyle: I do NOT think I'm Jesus!

Cartman: Yeah, you're right, you can't think you're Jesus because your people killed him, Jew.

Kyle: FUCK YOU, CARTMAN!

Mare: Jeez! Such vulgar language from such young kids!

Mew scratches the back of his head.

Mew: Aaaanyway... a while ago, I accidentally warped our friend from our universe to yours, he arrived the same way we just did, and we're looking for him. Have you seen a pudgy guy with a big, zigzag mustache, a big nose, pointed ears, and extremely low moral fiber?

Cartman: Yeah! I couldn't believe it! He's over at Skeeter's bar in town!

Mew: Great! Can you guys take us there?

Cartman: Well, I don't know. What's in it for us?

Mew and Mare look at each other, then back at the boys.

Mew: Well, what do you want?

The boys all look at each other the same way, look back at the duo, and name their price in unison.

Boys: Cheezy poofs.

Mew: Cheezy poofs? What's that?

Stan: Wow, you really ARE from another universe. Cartman?

Cartman reaches into his pants and pulls out a bag of cheezy poofs for reference.

Kenny: Mmmph MMMPH mmmph mmmph mmmph mm-mmmph mmm-mph!

Stan and Kyle laugh hysterically. Cartman chooses to ignore Kenny's obscenely vile remark. Mew simply shrugs, closes his eyes for a second, and uses his psychic powers to create a massive mountain of cheezy poofs.

Cartman: Sweeeeeet!

---

Skeeter's, a few moments later...

---

Skeeter: I keep telling you, sir. You ain't dreaming. This is as real as it gets.

Wario: Then I must be on some kind of acid trip from hell. More beer should bring me out of it!

Skeeter: Hey, as long as it gets me some business, it don't make no difference to me.

The doors to the bar open, and, needless to say, everyone's attention is there. Wario recognizes the two mysterious figures behind the boys.

Wario: Mew! Mare! You're here! Come here and get trashed with me!

The patrons, surprisingly, aren't running for the hills. Maybe it's the booze, or maybe it's the constant stream of all the crazy transdimensional hoopla that has taken place here for the past 1 to 24 years (they still haven't figured out time yet), but as long as it isn't trying to actively kill them, most of them don't really give a shit.

Patron: And just WUT the hell are yeeh supposed ta be?

Mew: We're aliens, and we're here to harvest your souls and eat your brains.

The boys giggle.

Skeeter: HEY! We don't take kindly to soul-harvesin', brain-eatin' space freaks!

Bartender: Now take it easy, Skeeter, they ain't hurtin' nobody...

Skeeter: They literally just said they're here to-

Wario: Skeeter, if you use that word ONE MORE TIME, I will burn this place to the ground.

Cartman: Dad!

Cartman gets bright-eyed and runs up to Wario, hugging him tightly.

Wario: Get the hell offa me! I already told you I ain't your dad, you little punk!

Mare: We kiiiiiiinda played along with it.

Everyone but Wario and Cartman laugh.

Wario: Wait, hold on... Mew! You're the reason I wound up here!

Mew: Hang on, War, I can explain-!

Wario, fueled by his buzz and quick to rage, grabs Cartman and chucks him full-force at Mew. Mew is able to barrier against the flying fat kid in plenty of time.

Cartman: OW! That hurt, goddammit!

Mew: What do you think you're doing?!

Wario: You still think you're so funny for warping us all to parallel universes?! I'll kill you!

Wario chucks a barstool at Mew, but his aim is a bit off and he hits Mare instead.

Mare: Why you-!

Mare grabs a nearby chair, charges Wario, and breaks it over his head. At this point, the other customers are the type to enjoy a good old-fashioned bar fight, so they join in. Eventually, everyone in the bar is throwing punches, chairs, stools, tables, you name it.

Stan: Wuh-oh, we'd better get out of here.

Kyle: Good call.

Cartman: No! I have to help my pa!

Kyle: He's not your dad, fat ass!

Cartman: Hey! I'm not fat dammit, I just haven't got my Peloton in the mail yet!

The boys duck out just before a jukebox is thrown in their direction, narrowly missing. A few minutes later, the doors swing open with vigor, and a single fat cop with sunglasses is standing in the doorway.

Officer Barbrady: Alright, what seems to be the commotion here?

Mare: Uh-oh!

Mew: Oh, this is ridiculous!

Mew closes his eyes and quickly acts by warping himself, Mare, and Wario out of the room. They appear back where they originally warped in at Stark's Pond, where the park has been completely cleared out due to fear and hysteria.

Well, except Wario, who's been warped about ten feet above the freezing pond, and promptly falls in.

Mare: What did you do that for?

Mew: He needed to cool off.

Mare: Booooooo.

Wario slowly crawls out of the pond, looking devilishly pissed, but too cold to do anything about it.

Wario: Y-y-you l-little p-p-p-pink c-c-c-cu-

Mew: I'm gonna stop you right there, cowboy.

Mare: Cowboy?

Mew: Apparently that's where we're going next. A universe inhabited by cowboys.

Wario: Good, I've been wanting to give Jerry Jones a piece of my mind for years!

Mew: No, Wario, not THOSE cowboys. Besides, you're going home.

Wario: The hell I am! For all I know you'll warp me into a universe inhabited by herbivores!

Mew: I'm considering it.

Wario: Screw that, I'm going with you!

Mew: Why?

Wario: Because the other guys need to know what happened, and I'm not risking you warping me anywhere else than where you're going!

Mew: You're not really in a position to bargain. I'm a Mew. I can send you wherever I want.

Wario: Keep telling yourself that if you want me to tell Mike you secretly bought a My Pillow.

Mew: ... you wouldn't.

Wario: Oh yeah.

---

About 0.0000000027 seconds later...

---

Mew, Mare, and Wario have just warped into a vast desert, with only cactus, boulders, and a single unpaved road in sight.

Mare: Where are we now?

Mew: According to my source...

He takes out the note left to him by the second mysterious stranger.

Mew: We're in someplace called New Austin.

Mare: Another different universe?

Mew: Not just that, but it seems we've gone back in time to 1899. This place is like the Mirror Universe, but with a "fictional twist."

Wario: What the hell does that mean? That you're making all this up?

Mare: God, could you stop whining for TWO SECONDS?

Wario: I was visciously and transdimensionally warped against my will, I'll whine all I want!

Mare: Mew, can you just send him back? I mean, how bad is it really if Mike thinks you got a My Pillow?

Mew: Trust me, if he thought that, it wouldn't be good. I'd rather renounce my powers.

Mare: Sheesh!

Wario: And don't you forget it! You're stuck with me until you get us out of this mess!

Something in the distance catches Mare's attention, and he frantically looks toward it, then back at the others.

Mare: Quick, hide!

He leaps behind a giant boulder, out of sight. The others follow.

Mew: What are we hiding from?

Mare: No idea, but I don't think we can keep bringing undue attention upon ourselves after the whole South Park thing.

Wario: Didn't you say there were cowboys here?

Mew: Supposedly, yeah. Let's see what this is.

They wait silently for about three minutes, and a wagon slowly approaches, following the path. They hear what sounds like shouting in the distance.

Lawman: Hey Harlot, you gonna bribe your way outta this one?

Misty: Stop calling me that! If I wasn't in this stupid cage I'd climb up there and smash your face into a cactus!

Lawman: Easy there, honey. Wouldn't want you all worked up before settling in your cozy little henhouse, or should I say jailhouse!

Misty: I'll kill you!

Lawman: Good luck!

What they see is a law enforcement wagon, a lawman holding the reigns, and Misty locked up in a cage. The three rock hiders look at each other, a little perplexed, but accepting of their bizarre circumstances nonetheless.

Mare: We've gotta get her out of there!

Wario: But why? She's so annoying.

Mare: Remember what happened the last time you pissed off the other guy who co-owns your bar?

Wario: What are you talking about?

Mare: When you asked God that stupid toothpaste question, and Mike beat you nearly to death?

Wario: Wait, he did WHAT?!

Mew: Um, Mare? Remember how I used Amnesia on Wario so he'd forget about that?

Mare: Uhhh... whoops?

FLASH

Mare: What were we talking about?

Mew: Wario had just volunteered to go rescue Misty from that law wagon.

Wario: I did no such thing! ...did I?

Mew: Yep. Now git.

Mew shoves Wario from behind the rock. He grumbles, then approaches the road. He waits there until the wagon rolls up and stops in front of him.

Lawman: Step aside, citizen. Government business here.

Deputy: And get to town and get yourself some clothes that don't look like they came from a damn circus!

Wario is secretly annoyed, but puts on a smile to save face for the time being.

Wario: Pardon me sirs, just passing through! I couldn't help but notice the foul wench you were transporting in your lovely wagon.

Misty looks like she wants to murder Wario, but she suspects he's trying to help and keeps quiet. Honestly, she's relieved to see a familiar face after suddenly waking up in a completely foreign world. Even if it's the fat bastard she doesn't particularly care for.

Lawman: Yep, this here's the infamous Red-Headed Harlot. Wanted across five states, and we found her! The marshal's sure to give us a hefty reward!

Wario: Reward, you say? *twirls his mustache*

Deputy: Yep! Twenty whole dollars!

Wario: *twirling abruptly stops* Seriously? That's barely enough to buy, like, two drinks! Why are you working your asses off for a measly twenty bucks?

Deputy: Are you from another planet or something? Twenty bucks is quite a lot to come by!

Wario: It's... you know what, whatever. What's she wanted for?

Deputy: You don't know? This here's the lady who robbed a dozen banks, framed her husband, and prostituted herself simply for a cover story!

Wario tries oh so desperately not to burst into tears of laughter. Obviously, Misty is having some rather demonic thoughts about the three men in her presence.

Wario: Well, I'm sorry she's troubled you so! You see, her husband turned to the bottle at a young age and she's been looking for someone with competent manhood ever since. Seems she hasn't had any new luck as of late.

Misty: *under her breath* Wario, as soon as I get out of here, you're FUCKING DEAD.

Wario smirks, enjoying the opportunity it feels like Blake has given him. Behind the rock, Mew and Mare are getting almost as annoyed as Misty.

Mew: Dammit, he's getting carried away! I'm going in.

Mare: Are you crazy?! Do you have any idea how these guys will react when they see you?

Mew: Can't be any worse than the construction paper people spontaneously combusting.

Mare: Mew, wait!

Mew ignores Mare and flies out to the scene. Upon seeing Mew, Misty looks immensely relieved, Wario looks a little annoyed at the idea of his fun being over, and the lawmen...

Lawman: HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

Deputy: IT'S ALIENS! CREATURES FROM ANOTHER PLANET! THEY'VE COME FOR US!

Mew: If you'd just take a second to calm down, I can explain-

As the old saying goes in the Wild West, shoot first, ask questions later. Something these guys apparently live by.

Mew: Ugh, I don't have time for this!

Deputy: Kill it! KILL IT!

Lawman: I'm trying dammit! My bullets won't hurt it!

Mew lets out an exasperated sigh as he puts up a Barrier, deflecting all their bullets.

Mew: Mare, do you mind?

Mare: Might as well at this point...

Mare runs from behind the rock, and the lawmen, of course, panic further. They try shooting him as well, but not before Mew has extended his barrier around his elvish friend. Mare goes to the back of the cage in an attempt to unlock it.

Misty: Thank god you're here, if I had to listen to these assholes call me that one more time, this wagon would have burned to the ground.

Mare: We can think about your revenge after we get you out of here, Mis.

He tries picking the lock with his Tamriel lockpicks, but they keep breaking.

Mare: Sheesh, what are these, master locks?

Misty: Yeah, actually! Master is apparently a brand of lock here!

Mare: Well that sucks. I can't get this thing open!

He looks a bit stressed as he turns towards Mew.

Mare: Mew! The cage won't open! You need to teleport Misty out of here!

Mew: That's gonna be kind of hard with-

Mare: JUST DO IT!

Mew: Okay, don't say I didn't warn you...

In order to not overexert himself, he temporarily lowers the Barrier so he can focus on teleporting Misty out of the cage. In the process, Mare loses his shield as well, one of the lawmen turns, and...

He gets shot in the knee again.

Mare: OW! SAME GODDAMN KNEE! OWWWW!

After teleporting Misty out of the cage and behind their old boulder hiding spot, Mew teleports Wario and Mare to the same location. The second he's done, he uses Amnesia on the lawmen. They stop shooting, and look around, quite confused.

Lawman: Huh? What's going on?

They look to the ground and see Mew in his humanshape form.

Deputy: Who are you?

Mew: You were both on patrol and got lost. You're on your way to the nearest city with over 100,000 people.

Deputy: But... but that city's two hundred miles away!

Mew: Yep. That's the place.

Mew quickly runs off before they have a chance to question him. Believing his ruse, they whip the horses with their reins and go about their journey. Mew walks around to catch up with his friends, and sees Misty mercilessly beating Wario with what looks like a police baton.

Mew: What the hell?

Wario: SOMEBODY STOP HER!

Misty: RAAAARGH!

Mew: *sigh* Why do I always have to be the one to stop people from killing each other?

Mew uses Psychic to get Misty and Wario to hold still.

Misty: Let me go, Mew!

Mew: No. This whole thing, you and Wario getting pissy with each other and you beating him with something? It's old.

Mare: I have to agree. You've been on this for a LONG time. You even patched things up once. I've only been hanging with you guys for a few months and I'm already noticing a vicious cycle.

Wario: Not to mention the constant beating I keep getting!

Mare: Oh yeah, and speaking of beating... MY LEG!

Mew proceeds to put about thirty feet of space between everyone, then uses Heal Pulse on the lot of them. He disarms Misty by telekinetically throwing her police baton clear over the distant horizon, and slowly lets them all go of his control.

Mew: Now, will everyone PLEASE calm down so we can go get Mike and Knuckles?

Misty: Go get... I still don't even know what's going on, Mew!

Mare: We all got drunk, some weirdo showed up at the bar, convinced Mew it'd be funny to warp everyone to parallel universes, and we've been bouncing around picking everyone up.

Misty shakes her head and sighs.

Misty: I... I don't even know where to begin with that.

Wario: At least he actually explained it instead of relying on filler...

Mew: I met someone the next night who had a list of where I'd sent everyone. We have no idea who she was or how she knew where everyone was, but it led us to you and Wario, so there's at least some credibility.

Misty: This is why we don't like you talking to strangers.

Mare snickers. Mew looks at him evilly.

Wario: Anyway, where are we going next?

Mew: Someplace called Melee Island.

Wario: Sweet! Smash Bros!

Mew: ... I don't think it's THAT Melee, War.

Wario: ... why not?

Mew: You'll see.

---

One transdimensional teleportation later...

---

Mew and Mare, now accompanied by the recently-rescued Wario and Misty, arrive in what appears to be a mid 18th-century New World port town. The clock reads 10 PM, with no indication of changing, and the sun has perpetually set.

Mare: Whoa...

Having learned his lesson from the last two universes, Mew immediately takes his human form. The guys all take a look around in an attempt to make sense of their surroundings. Wario is the first to make the connection.

Wario: Pirates!

Misty: Shit, that's not a good sign.

Mew: Why not?

Misty: Mike loves pirates, and Wario loves piracy.

Wario: Money...

Everyone briefly winces, expecting a grumpy red echidna to arrive and wail on Wario. His absence, however, comes as a surprise.

Wario: Huh. You get so used to being clobbered for a single word it becomes weird to be able to say it.

Mew: Look, we can have Knuckles punch you after we find him. Mike is here somewhere, and we need to start looking.

Wario: Leave it to me!

Wario approaches a nearby pirate with a confident swagger.

Wario: 'Scuse me, but have you seen a tall, edgy, fuzzy-faced guy 'round here?

Pirate: What's that supposed to mean, ya yellow-blubbered landlubber?

The other three snicker at the absurdity of the insult. Wario growls, but keeps his cool otherwise.

Wario: Look, I'm looking for a man who clearly doesn't fit in. Loves drinking, gambling, chain smoking, and fighting.

Pirate: Yer describin' literally EVERYONE who sails these waters!

Wario immediately slugs the pirate in the face.

Mew: Ow...

Wario: First off, NEVER use that word around me again. And second, if you value your booty-and I don't just mean your treasure-you'd better start talking!

Pirate: Keep yer hands to yerself lest ye taste the steel of my blade, tubby! If you're lookin' fer someone in particular, ye'd best be off to the SCUMM Bar!

Wario: Did you just call me fat AND scum in the same sentence?!

Pirate: No! Just fat! And it was TWO sentences, ya barnacle head! If ya don't like gettin' insulted, then this is definitely not the town for the likes of ye!

Mew: Wario, let him go.

Wario: No! No one insults me and lives!

Mew: He's talking about an actual bar, dumbass. It's right there.

Mew points over to a nearby building, a sign next to it reading "SCUMM Bar."

Wario: ... oh.

He looks down at the pissed-off pirate. Wario laughs nervously before cautiously helping him up.

Wario: Um, thanks.

Pirate: LeChuck will hear about this, ya bilge rat!

The pirate runs off in a hurry, and Wario rejoins the others. They all look at him with disapproval.

Wario: What?

Misty: It's just, it'd be nice if we could do this without drawing everyone's attention to us.

Wario: Oh, please! Mew has caused more public disturbances than me by a long shot!

Mare: I hate to admit it, but he's got a point...

Mew: Let's just check out this bar. We found you at one, War, so there's a good chance someone's seen Mike at this one.

Wario: It'll be easy. We just follow the trail of smoke.

Misty: I'll have you know he's cut back quite a bit! It's a huge improvement!

Wario: Yeah, so is his planet-sized ego. Sure.

The four walk over to the pirate bar in question. We cut to a new shot of the saloon doors from inside, as the four outsiders slowly enter. They look a little out of place, seeing as they aren't fully decked out in animated, stereotypical pirate garb.

Wario: Anyone see Mike in here?

Misty: *squints eyes* Not that I'm seeing...

Mare: I guess we'd better start asking around.

Wario: Alright. I'll take the bar. You guys take the rest.

Misty: Why am I not surprised that you're immediately going for the bar?

Wario: Because I'm stuck aimlessly wandering the multiverse with you.

Misty rolls her eyes as Wario makes his way to the bar.

Wario: Hopefully I don't get ambushed by another fat little punk with abandonment issues...

Wario takes a seat at the bar, briefly looking over his shoulder to make sure the others are asking around. They are, but it doesn't look like they're having much luck.

Bartender: What'll it be, mate?

Wario: No idea. You guys have beer here?

Bartender: You mean that fancy German stuff we get overtaxed on? Naw, I'll do you one better.

Wario looks a little confused, but only until the bartender pours a beer-looking drink into a liter-sized mug and sets it down in front of his new customer.

Wario: What's this?

Bartender: That there be grog, lad! 'Ave a swig and lemme know what ye think!

Wario takes one curious look at the drink, shrugs, and proceeds to chug the whole thing. This catches the attention of the surrounding pirates, all of whom look rather impressed. Wario seems unfazed for a moment, then his eyes brighten up like an overpowered Christmas tree.

Wario: Sweet Holy Santa Maria, that's some potent stuff!

Pirate: Yar! Tis a man's drink! The kind that'll put hair on yer chest!

Wario: Gimme another one!

Bartender: Coming right up!

It doesn't take long for Wario to down five grogs, and it takes even less time for Misty to notice what's going on. She gently elbows Mew to get his attention.

Misty: I think we got a problem here...

Mew: Huh? *looks at Wario* Oh, no...

They see Wario heartily laughing along with the nearby pirates, all taking turns buying him grog.

Pirate: You're a man's man, Wario! Ye take the drink like LeChuck himself!

Wario: LeChuck wishes! I'd outdrink that little pussy under the table and still be good to drive Toad's Turnpike in reverse!

This comment alerts the others a bit.

Pirate: Ye best be careful what words creep from your mouth, Wario. LeChuck isn't a man to be trifled with.

Wario: Shit, between me and Mike, he wouldn't stand a chance! Together we've taken down giant brain monsters, alien dragon scammers, every single cat in existence, Team Rocket, and the entire NFL!

Pirate: Who's this "Mike" you speak of?

Wario stops to think for a minute. He finally remembers what he was supposed to do, but he's too drunk to be embarrassed about forgetting.

Wario: Ah, Mihalis! My business partner and best friend! I've actually lost him, and I've come here looking for him. I was hoping one of you fine gents could help me out!

The pirates look concerned again.

Pirate: Uh... what does he look like?

Wario: Tall, a bit husky, bushy brown beard, wears glasses, gets easily pissed off, often seen smoking.

Mysterious pirate: Watch yer tongue, scum!

Wario: Eh?

Wario turns around to find a pissed-off looking pirate, pointing a sword at him.

Wario: Hey! The hell did I ever do to you, you son of a-

And the pirate looks EXACTLY like Mike.

Wario: ... Mike?

Pirate: Arrrgh! You've got me confused with someone else, you scum-sucking scallywag!

The difference is, while this guy looks like him, he clearly looks off his rocker. He's wearing a large-brimmed hat, a black trench coat with red and gold detail, and black leather boots. Not to mention the sweet-looking sword he's currently pointing at Wario.

He isn't fooled.

Wario: I know it's you, Mike! A pirate costume and a dumb fake accent can't fool me!

Mike: You're treading on dangerous waters, mate!

Wario: You can't scare me, you overzealous ass!

The pirate growls and readies himself in some kind of combat stance.

Mike: I challenge you to insult swordfighting!

Wario: ... I'm sorry?

Other pirate: *the one next to him* It's where you swordfight, but your wit has to be sharper than your blade!

Wario: What's that supposed to mean?

Mew: We're screwed.

Other pirate: With each clash of your blade, you've got to cut down your opponent with the right insult! And if he insults you first, you have to parry with the appropriate comeback!

Wario: That's easy, I can do that!

Other pirate: Wait!

Wario takes the other pirate's sword, and everyone clears back to allow the duel to have enough space.

Wario: Get ready to lose, you dick!

Mike: Really? I challenge you to insults and you immediately resort to calling me a dick?

Wario blushes a bit.

Wario: What, is there more to it, or something?

Other pirate: You have to be creative! Don't just call him names, say something that'll catch him off guard!

The duelling pirate swings his sword, catching Wario off guard.

Mike: You're no match for my brains, your poor fool!

Wario: Oh yeah? Well... um... at least I HAVE brains!

Wario staggers a bit as Mike takes a large swing. The other pirate whispers in Wario's ear.

Other pirate: Follow my lead.

Wario: Aye aye, sir!

Mike: There are no words for how disgusting you are!

Wario: Er... line?

The other pirate whispers again in Wario's ear. Wario grins evilly.

Wario: Yes there are! You just never learned them!

Wario jabs in Mike's direction, forcing him to back up a bit.

Other pirate: Find a way to insult his intelligence! Creatively!

Wario thinks for a split second, as long as the swordfighting allows.

Wario: I've spoken with apes more polite than you!

Mike: I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

The others gasp. Mew and Mare look impressed.

(Editor: I feel I should make an interjection here. The above insults and comebacks are not my own, they are shamelessly taken from the game this scenario is based on, The Secret of Monkey Island, to maintain historical integrity. Maybe I'll throw in a few of my own, but I wanted to plug this to avoid any accusations of joke... er, piracy. I'm not Carlos Mencia. Carry on.)

Mike: I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!

Wario: Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

Other pirate: Now you're getting the hang of it!

The mad swordfight continues for several minutes. They fight along the bar top, among the rafters, barrelling across a few hapless citizens, atop the pool table, and ending up near the spot they originally started. Mike appears to be ready to make the killing blow. However...

Mike: You fight like a dairy farmer!

Mike takes a huge swing, but Wario is miraculously able to dodge in time. He sweeps Mike off his feet by kicking his knees, sending the pirate wannabe to the ground, looking up in defeat. A smug Wario grins, pointing his sword at his business partner's face.

Wario: How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

The crowd cheers at Wario's victory. Mike looks incredibly angry, ready to launch off the ground to finish Wario. Mew, being the wise forseer that he is, decides the only way to end this without further bloodshed is to telekinetically fling Mike's sword from his hands, sending it colliding with a support beam. The impact causes the beam to shake, and a bowling ball that was resting on a shelf casually rolls off, making direct contact with the top of Mike's head.

Pirate: Blimey! The mysterious stranger used witchcraft to fling his blade!

Other pirate: It's dark magic! The work of LeChuck!

A dizzy-looking Mike rapidly shakes his head and comes to. And now, he looks completely clueless.

Mike: Wario? What the fuck is going on?!

Wario: I bested you at insult swordfighting, you gutter crawling cur!

Mike: Insult swordfighting? Wha-

Looking around him, all he sees are a bunch of paranoid pirates raving about the dark sorcery they've witnessed. Mew, Misty, and Mare run up to them.

Mike: Mis? Guys? Can someone PLEASE-

Mew: No time! We gotta get out of here!

They frantically help Mike up off the floor and make their way outside. And outside, they are greeted by what appears to be a large pirate with dark green skin and flames for a beard.

Mike: I'm dreaming. This isn't real. I'm dreaming. This isn't real.

LeChuck: So, YOU'RE the ones posing as my undead crew and making me look bad!

Wario: We don't really have to do much to make you look any worse than you already-

LeChuck: SILENCE!

His roar is accompanied by fiery breath akin to Bowser's.

Mew: Great, another giant fire-breathing giant who hates us...

Mike: Is he giant?

Mew: ...

Mare: Who the hell ARE you?!

LeChuck: Argh! I'm LeChuck, the demon zombie ghost pirate and ultimate scourge of the seven seas! Yer lot has pissed me off, and ye shall feel my wrath!

Mare: What does your wrath feel like?

Mew: For some reason, that question was oddly disgusting...

LeChuck: You'll wish you'd been left to the mercies of the Kraken by the time I'm through with the lot of ye!

Mew: Er... no thanks. We'll be going now.

Mew closes his eyes and quickly warps the group away from the perilous scene, leaving LeChuck to breathe fire on absolutely nothing. He stands there, fuming.

LeChuck: Grrr... I'd hate to be the guy who has to deal with those scallywags...

---

In yet another time and place...

---

For Mike, the situation has gone from chaos to pandemonium. It seems his Pokémon has warped them into the middle of a busy intersection in a crowded city.

Mare: Look out!

Mare quickly shoves Mike away, saving him from being struck by a jet-powered 18-wheeler. The group frantically gets out of the street, trying to ignore the alarming sounds of gunshots, car crashes, and sirens. Now with their newest addition, the multiuniversal tourists consisting of Mare, Mew (still in human form), Wario, Misty, and Mike duck and cover in an alley, away from the absolute madness.

Misty: Is this it? Are we back home?

Wario: I don't remember New Donk being this insane, unless we've gone back in time again.

Mike: I don't care where we are, I'm just glad we're safe! By the way, thanks, killer.

Mare: Don't mention it. It's especially funny because of the way we met.

Mike: Yeah. You tried to kill me! Good times.

They high five, and the others look slightly puzzled, but no more than usual. Hey, in this group, it's hard to be surprised by much these days.

Mare: Okay Mew, where are we now?

Mew: We're in the same universe we rescued Misty from, but this time in the year 2013. Apparently we're in a city called Los Santos, and crime is really commonplace.

Wario: And it's been 114 years since the capture of the Red Headed Harlot!

Misty, growling, gives Wario a dirty look as he grins smugly.

Mike: Did I miss something?

Mew: I'll explain later.

Mike catches Mew giving him an odd look.

Mike: What?

He looks down, and realizes he's still dressed like a pirate.

Mike: Mew? Mind helping me get my normal clothes back?

Mew: There's no time, we have to find Knuckles! He could be in serious danger here!

Mike: No time?! All you have to do is go "poof" and boom, clothes!

Wario: I kinda like you as a pirate. Reminds me of that time I defeated you in combat!

Mike: Defeated me in... what the hell is he talking about?! I'm so lost!

Mew: Well, you see-

Mike: You have time to explain everything but not enough time to get me out of this ridiculous pirate suit?! Change me back now goddammit!

Mew: *shrugs* Okay, if you say so...

Mew closes his eyes and snaps his fingers, revealing Mike's new wardrobe. Drag. Wario and Mare laugh hysterically, and Misty tries to conceal her giggles. Mew stands there looking quite pleased with himself.

Mike: Dammit Mew, that's not funny! We already did this in Las Vegas!

Wario: Eh, I like you better this way.

Misty: You know, that says more about you than it does him.

Wario: *thinks, then blushes* Yikes. Well played, Carrots...

Misty: :)

Mike: Change me back already!

Mew: Oh, fine...

Mew snaps his fingers again, and Mike is back in his pirate suit.

Mike: MEW!

Mew: What? You told me to change you back!

Mike: I meant-but-I... oh, forget it!

He gives up, accepting that his pirate suit is still infinitely better than a dress and no underwear. Wario and Misty struggle to contain their laughter after receiving some filthy looks.

Mare: Um, guys?

The rest of them turn their attention to the elf, standing at the edge of the alley, looking into the nearby city street.

Misty: What is it?

Mare: You might want to see this...

Mare points out a cop car sitting at a red light. The car itself looks ordinary, but they can vaguely see the detained passenger in the back seat.

Misty: Is that...

Mike: Knuckles?

They can't make out his expression, but odds are he's not feeling too happy at the moment. The car drives away, disappearing in a sea of similar-looking vehicles.

Misty: Where do you think they're going?

Mike: If this is like New Donk, they're probably headed for the police station.

Mare: Sounds like we're gonna need to head that way if we want any chance of rescuing Knuckles.

Voice: POLICE STATION?!

The others all jump at the sound of the voice approaching them from within the alley. His appearance isn't extremely alarming, but you'd probably feel a sense of caution too if you were approached by a tall, skinny guy with a charismatic demeanor and short, black hair that looks like it's never heard of shampoo, wearing an old white tee and blue jeans that have also managed to avoid the washing machine since the eighties.

Trevor: If you go to the station, they're gonna bust your asses for sure!

Mike: Bust us for what?

Trevor: The DRUGS, man! You guys are obviously loaded, and as an entrepreneur in the illicit substance business, I want in on that shit!

Wario: The hell-who the hell are you, anyway?

Trevor: Name's Trevor Philips, owner, founder, and CEO of Trevor Philips Industries, San Andreas' largest and most dependable source of illegal drugs and firearms!

Mike: Well, first off, we aren't loaded. On drugs or otherwise.

Trevor: You ain't foolin' me, sunshine. Why else would you be wearing a ridiculous fucking outfit like that?

Mike: Eh?

Mike has briefly forgotten, once again, that he's dressed like a pirate.

Mike: Well, there goes my credibility. Guys, back me up here!

Wario: Yep. You got us. We're in the biz, Trev.

Misty: Wario!

Wario: *under his breath* Play along, I got an idea.

Misty: Oh god...

Trevor: Hah! I knew it! A fellow enterprise like your own doesn't stay off the radar long!

Wario: We've actually been able to expand all the way out to New Austin, so we're doing pretty well for ourselves. Now, a little friendly competition is one thing, but why settle for that when we can work together?

Trevor: I mean, I was planning on just killing the lot of you and absorbing your market, but hey, I'm not an unreasonable guy! What's your offer, big guy?

Wario: We've got a buddy trapped inside. You help us spring him out, and we give you our clientele for... uh...

Mew: *whispering* San Andreas.

Wario: San Andreas!

Trevor stops to think for a moment. He closes his eyes, squats, then leaps in the air with a great roar. The guys can't tell if he's enraged or ecstatic.

Trevor: You got yourself a fucking deal, my friend!

Trevor and Wario shake hands.

Trevor: Come on, the police station's this way.

Trevor takes point, and the others cautiously follow him.

Mike: I don't think this is a good idea, War...

Wario: Trust me, this will get Knuckles out of there for sure. When have I ever been wrong?

Mike opens his mouth to speak.

Wario: Don't answer that.

Mike, realizing speaking would just be a waste of breath, closes his mouth.

---

Later...

---

The troupe follows Trevor on foot the whole way there. Along the way, they witness a paparazzo on a motorcycle trying to get pictures inside a limo, two guys parachuting off the top of a skyscraper, a humongous military plane crashing into the ocean, a woman committing grand theft auto (*cough cough*) and a guy running for his life after accidentally bumping shoulders with another guy.

Mike: This place is absolute insanity.

Wario: You're one to talk, Captain Dumbbeard.

Mike: Did you compare me to a cow in that last universe?

Wario: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Mike: When we get home, someone's going to have to explain to me everything that's going on.

Wario: You're in for one hell of a story, M.

Mike: I figured.

The group arrives at the police station, where Trevor leads them inside. And by "leads," I mean throws the doors open at full force, marching up to the desk, looking about as subtle as a Red Sox fan on a Manhattan subway.

Trevor: Okay, you pricks! You're holding my buddy's best friend behind bars, and I demand you release him!

Cop: You're joking, right?

Trevor: DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING JOKE TO YOU?! SEE ME FACE, DOES IT LOOK LIKE IT'S JOKING?! HUH?! YOU TELL ME, ASSHOLE! TELL ME!

Cop: Officers, arrest this man.

Two cops emerge from the nearby doors. The others all back away slowly as Trevor looks like he's about to burn the place down.

Trevor: YOU CAN'T KEEP LAW ABIDING CITIZENS IMPRISONED LIKE THAT! IT'S AGAINST THE FUCKING MORAL FIBER OF THE FUCKING COUNTRY!

Wario: *to Mike* Jesus. I thought you had issues.

Mike: I know, seriously!

The cops all tase Trevor, whom is fighting back as hard as he can. It's a pretty violent scene, especially considering the guy has a lot of fight in him, for a tasered man. The others see this as a distraction, and they sneak back into the jail cells, completely unseen.

Mare: For a complete raging psychopath, I'm glad we ran into him.

Mew: Definitely. Hopefully this makes finding Knuckles a lot easier.

Wario: I know something that'll make it even easier.

Mew: What's that?

Wario grins.

Wario: *rapping loudly* Here I come, rougher than the rest of 'em, the best of 'em, tougher than leather, you can call me Knuckles-

Knuckles: SHUT UP, WARIO!

Wario: Let's go! Found 'im.

The group runs over to the source of the loud grievance, and find Knuckles behind bars, looking quite annoyed.

Knuckles: What the hell did you do, wide load?!

Wario: Oh no no no no. It wasn't me! Not this time! You have our psychic friend to thank for that!

Knuckles: Mew?!

Mew: I'll explain when we get out of here.

Mare: Is that everyone?

Mew: I think so! It's everyone on the list.

Misty: Are you sure? I feel like there were more of us at the party.

Mew: Even if there were, that's everyone on the list that lady gave me.

Misty: You took a list from a weird lady to find us? After taking the advice of another stranger and warping us all to different dimensions as a prank?

Mike and Knuckles, having just caught on to the reason behind their "vacations," glare at Mew.

Knuckles: Tell me she's lying.

Mike: She'd damn well better be.

Mew: *nervous laughter* Well, uh...

Mike: Just take us home, Mew.

Mew closes his eyes, and a bright white glow surrounds them. They disappear from the last of the strange parallel dimensions, bound for Slackers, the task finally completed.

---

Slackers

---

With their quest at an end, Mike, Misty, Wario, Knuckles, and Mare all stare evilly at the guilty Mew in the center of their empty bar. The Pokémon resumes his true form, surrounded by his angry friends. He tries to smile for a moment to play the whole thing off as a joke.

Mew: Look, guys, I know you're all probably kind of upset with me...

Knuckles: We certainly aren't giddy.

Misty: What were you thinking?!

Mew: I'm sorry, really! I am!

Mike: You warped us all to other universes with no intention of tracking us down and bringing us home. We could have been stuck forever if it hadn't been for that convenient little note of yours!

Mew: Come on, we were all drunk, we were all having fun, and we all do stupid shit when we combine those two. If any of you guys had been in my position, can you honestly tell me you wouldn't have done something similar?

The others all look like they want to vehemently deny anything of the sort, but they're all a little awkward. Knuckles is scratching the back of his head, Mike coughs into his fist, Misty looks up at the ceiling.

Wario: You guys are terrible! I wouldn't have done anything like that to my friends!

Everyone: Shut up, Wario.

Wario: You're all a bunch of prudes! I bet if Emily were here, she'd agree with me!

Wario gets an obligatory punch from Mike.

Mike: Come to think of it, where is Emily?

Mew: ... what?

Mike: She was at the party with us. You don't remember?

Mew begins jogging his memory again. Indeed, he has a faint image of a wasted Emily hunched over the toilet, with Knuckles holding her hair back.

Mew: But... but she wasn't on the list...

Mike: Oh, fuck.

Mike frantically looks for his cellphone.

Mike: Where's my phone? WHERE'S MY PHONE?!

Wario: Have you checked your pockets?

Mike: Yes, I'm checking my fucking pockets!

Wario: ... did you try charging it?

Mew, understanding the monumentally stupid thing Wario has just done, sends the party back in time about five seconds.

Wario: Have you checked your pockets?

Mike: Yes, I'm checking my fucking pockets!

Wario: ... did you try-

In anticipation, Mew uses Disable on Wario, rendering him mute.

Wario: MMMMMMMMM!

Mew: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT say what you were about to say.

Wario: *angrily* Mmmmmm...

---

Epilogue

---

Mike: Oh, come on! I HAD you!

Knuckles: Heh.

It's been hours since the return from the inter-dimensional misadventure, and Mike and Knuckles are alone in the employee lounge on the first floor of the building, adjacent to the bar's main seating area.

Mike: Why the hell hasn't she called me back yet?

Knuckles: Give it time. It's late. She's probably asleep.

Mike: I hope so...

Emily hasn't returned Mike's calls yet, which is making him extremely worried. His anxiety won't let him sleep, and Knuckles has offered to keep him company, so they've taken to playing Smash Bros. And Knuckles has just beaten the distracted Mike for the 12th time.

Mike: I need a drink.

Knuckles: Another one? That's like your ninth, Mike. How are you not drunk?

Mike: No idea. Either my tolerance is going up or I'm too nervous to feel a buzz.

Knuckles: You need help.

Mike: Not now, Knuckles.

Mike follows through by getting up and walking to his bar. He pours himself a draft beer as well as a glass of Cabernet before walking back to the lounge.

Mike: Here. Don't want you feeling left out.

Knuckles: I wasn't, but thanks anyway.

Mike sits back down in his recliner, takes a sip, and sighs.

Mike: One more game?

Knuckles: Sure.

As he is prepping yet another Smash brawl (or melee, depending on your preference), Mike leaps in his seat to the sound of his cell phone ringing. He begins frantically pulling it out of his pocket, praying to Blake that it's from Emily.

It isn't. Knuckles can tell by his facial expression.

Knuckles: Who is it?

Mike: It's... Link?

Knuckles: Link? We haven't heard from him in a long time. You gonna answer?

Mike: Might as well...

He does.

Mike: Hello?

Link: Hey, sorry to bother you so late at night...

Mike: It's alright. What's up?

Link: You need to get to Hyrule. Now.

Mike: Why? You having trouble with those damn chickens again?

Link: No! Well... yeah, maybe, we'll talk about that later-no! It's Emily!

Mike leaps out of his seat.

Mike: WHAT?!

Link: She's here, and she's being held prisoner by Ganondorf!

The shaggy-haired drunken bar owner can utter no response.

Link: Get your Mew and warp straight to Kakariko Village near Hyrule Field. I'll explain everything.

Mike: O... okay... thanks, Link...

Mike hangs up the phone, but Knuckles is immediately alerted to the shakiness in his friend's voice.

Knuckles: What's going on?

Mike: Link said Emily is Ganondorf's prisoner, and he needs us to warp his way... right now.

Knuckles: Okay. When are we leaving?

Mike: *still uneasy* You don't have to go, Knux... Mew and I got this...

Knuckles: Bullshit. I'm not leaving you hanging over something like this.

Mike barely manages to crack a smile, looking at Knuckles.

Mike: Thanks, buddy.

Mike takes a deep breath, briefly pausing to appreciate Knuckles. He keeps his friends list short, and although most of them are the type to rag on each other, flake, and disappoint at times, Knuckles is probably the most dependable and trustworthy of the lot. And definitely the most gullible. And punchy. But definitely trustworthy.

It doesn't take long before the former Pokémon trainer Mihalis Dualwielder summons his grossly overpowered Mew, nor does it take long for the apologetic Mew to appear as quickly as possible. Gone is the blame for recent mishaps. There is no room for accusations or bitterness. Right now there is only a shared goal among the three friends, and their equally shared feelings of urgency. This isn't the first time they've worked together to assist Emily, a fact that rather surprises her older brother. She was never one to let herself get caught, but within the span of two years, it seems to have happened twice. It could only mean there is some kind of extremely powerful force behind this abduction, and if the capture of Emily was the intent, it likely connects to the events of the last two days-the appearance of two strangers and their association with the spontaneous inter-dimensional warping.

As the familiar white glow encapsulates the trio, Mihalis closes his eyes. He knows, deep down, that Emily will be alright, considering what she's braved and survived in the past, but something about this feels... different.

The same kind of different feeling he had when he was being hunted by Giovanni, only to be told they were father and son.

And while he is still fiercely protective of her, and fears for her life every day, this fear seems to be completely eclipsed by the lingering uncertainty of events to come. Events that might change his life, and hers, forever.

---

To be continued…

---

2020-2021