A/N This story is set after episode 5x04 on a path that diverges from the preview for 5x05 even though subsequent chapters will come out after that episode tonight. I'd really appreciate constructive criticism. I'd like to improve my writing.

Tim Bradford watched Lucy leave morning roll call and suppressed a sigh. Ever since she had returned from UC school a few weeks ago, each morning she made sure she was occupied with someone or something so she didn't have to make eye contact with him before she slipped out the back door of the room. She was still angry with him for saying she should take the class while she had the opportunity. It didn't matter that it was the advice he'd have given her at any time.

That still didn't stop him from worrying about her. Rosalind Dyer had come at her a second time, this time by nearly killing Chris. Not only was he worried about what that did to her mental wellbeing, but he was worried about what would happen when Rosalind resurfaced again. He prayed that the LAPD detectives and the FBI could stop her before she struck again and that Lucy would be safe.

Work had settled into a new routine, but he felt uncomfortable now standing at the front of roll call not knowing where to look when he addressed the room, not wanting to make eye contact with Lucy but not wanting to make that obvious. Right now it was about not making Lucy feel awkward.

He missed Lucy. And not for the first time, he wished that Tamara had never bought that used car at the police auction and that they'd never heard of Jake. Never gone under cover impersonating him and his girlfriend… Maybe in time they'd have discovered their feelings for each other naturally, and if not at least they'd still have been the close friends that they had been.

"Is everything ok, sir?"

Tim broke out of his reverie to realize that Officer Aaron Thorson was standing patiently, waiting for him in what was an otherwise empty room.

"Yeah. Yeah, I was just distracted. Let's get going." Time to wall it all off so that he wouldn't be distracted on the job and get someone hurt.

"I saw James yesterday when he dropped by to see Officer Harper. He says our blackmailer is still doing his community service." Aaron tried to distract him from whatever he'd been thinking about. Tim certainly wasn't normally the most talkative person, but he'd been downright broody the last two or three weeks. Being his aide was different than riding as a trainee.

"Good. Though I'm not sure there's enough community service in the world for what he did. At least your photo didn't get out. I may never live down Officer Cop-Cake." He scowled a bit at the thought as he said that. He knew that poster was going to be making the rounds of the station for months to come. Somehow it would have been worth it if it had gotten Lucy to tease him about it the way she would have before it all happened. Earlier this year, she'd have made it the darn lock screen on her phone just to annoy him.

"No sir." Aaron tried not to chuckle as he said it. Failed, but managed to look contrite. Still, he caught a stern sideways glance out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head to look the other direction to hide his smile.

Lucy was nowhere to be seen as he and Aaron loaded their gear into the shop, as usual. Tim set his jaw and reminded himself to wall it off.

Aaron glanced surreptitiously at the clock. It had been a slow morning. They'd been patrolling in near silence for several hours now. They'd had one short call out, but other than that he'd sat and watched Tim brood. He wasn't sure what it was about, but the way Tim tensed and listened intently every time Officer Chen's voice was heard on the radio, he was pretty sure it had something to do with his former aide.

"Sir, I know that you say your shop is a personal-life-free zone…"

"It is. Let's keep it that way." Even as he said it, Tim knew his tone had been unnecessarily harsh. As a TO he had preferred to keep chat in the shop to police work to avoid distractions for trainees, and to avoid developing a friendship that could get in the way of training and daily reports.

Keeping personal lives out of the shop had gone by the wayside with Lucy early on. On Lucy's first day as his trainee they'd run into Isabel the first time he'd seen her in two years, and from that moment, despite his reluctance to talk about it, she'd been nothing but supportive. But more than that, she just loved to talk as they rode. He almost smiled thinking how much that used to frustrate him.

Aaron went on, undeterred. "I'm not wanting to talk about my personal life. And I'm just going to say this once, and then I promise I'll shut up." He hesitated briefly to gauge Tim's reaction.

Tim gave a brief shake of his head in resignation. "Fine, go on." Aaron thought he might have seen him roll his eyes, as well.

"I know something is bothering you. Has been bothering you for a while. I just wanted to say if you ever need someone to talk to… outside the shop over a beer or something, I'm a good listener. I'm just putting that out there." He looked straight ahead and said no more. He knew when to quit.

"Let's just stick to police work."

Out of the corner of his eye, Tim noticed that Thorson didn't even react to that, as though he was expecting exactly that response. Of course he was expecting it. Tim knew he'd been more difficult than usual to work with lately, and he was trying to work on that.

He'd brought back his idea of a personal-life-free zone simply because he was afraid if Thorson was sharing, he'd end up asking him questions as well. And right now there was no aspect of his personal life that wasn't a mess. Family? He just found out that his dad had helped stage a murder scene and protected the woman he was having an affair with. Love life? He'd nearly cheated on his girlfriend and then broke up with her because it wasn't fair to her. Work? He'd somehow fallen for a co-worker who was also one of his best friends and she was the one he nearly cheated with. And the same serial killer who had tried to kill her almost killed her boyfriend, so now they weren't speaking. It was all overwhelming and absurd sounding. And he certainly wasn't going to discuss any of it with Thorson.

But he reminded himself that Thorson was a good cop, and also not his trainee. He didn't deserve to have him take his frustrations out on him. And that was something Lucy would have pointed out to him when they were first riding together.

Damn. Every thought he had lately seemed to turn back to Lucy. He'd walled his feelings and personal life off once before and Lucy had been a part of bringing him back from that pit. It was almost ironic that her support back then was the reason he couldn't shut off his feelings about her now.

He'd known that riding with her wouldn't last forever, and truthfully that it shouldn't last much longer or her career would stagnate. But he'd also known that they'd still be friends and still talk to each other. But instead now they barely made eye contact and it left him with a hollow feeling.

But Lucy was still in his head disapproving his attitude with Aaron, and he obeyed that voice. "Thorson?" He waited till the younger officer turned his head and tried to convey his sincerity with his tone and a slight nod of his head. "Thanks. Really."

"Sure thing."

Sometimes lately Tim thought it might be better for Lucy if he moved to another precinct and started over. But every time, he tried to shove that thought away. He told himself it was because a new precinct would mean being the new guy and not having a regular schedule and he needed a regular schedule to be able to help his sister now that she was a single mom.

But reality was that his whole life was tied to this precinct. His career, his friends, including his best friend Angela, and Lucy. And deep inside, some part of him wasn't ready to give up on Lucy.

(earlier)

Once Lucy was sure that Tim and Aaron had headed to the garage to leave, she stopped at the kit room to pick up her equipment for the day. She took an extra moment, making small talk with the officer there so that she would be sure to miss them pulling out.

She told herself that it was just best for both of them if they didn't run into each other and have to talk in the station. Better for him because he had wanted them to have distance and pushed her to take the UC class, and better for her because she needed to keep her anger, hurt, and guilt over the whole situation tucked away while she was at the precinct. She needed to prove to herself that she was strong.

She took her first callout, a convenience store that had been robbed. It was an easy callout, and it didn't take as long as she would have liked. But it made her happy. She loved this part of her job – being able to help people and reassure them. These were the times she lived for right now. Nothing else in her life was making sense.

When she was finished, she headed back to the streets, hoping for something else to come her way over the radio soon. Riding alone still felt foreign to her, though she'd been doing it for the few weeks she'd been back from UC school. She felt lost without Tim there with her, though she didn't want to admit that to herself. She just couldn't get used to the quiet. Without anyone to talk to, she had far too much time to spend in her own thoughts. Outside work, she was still struggling to remain strong and upbeat for Chris. But alone in her shop, there was no one to keep up the façade for, and worry about Rosalind reappearing and what she might do swirled around her.

Lucy reached over and turned the radio on, looking for background noise to help. The song that poured out of the speakers was an old favorite, but it brought tears to her eyes remembering listening to it with Jackson their first day riding together when they were newly promoted P2s.

The sharp pain of Jackson's death had faded some, but she missed him so much. He and Tim had both been so much support after Rosalind's first acolyte Caleb had kidnapped her and buried her in that barrel. And even more, Jackson had always been a good friend who was easy to talk to and who really understood what it was to be a cop.

It made her catch her breath when she finally realized that the thing she wanted right now was to be able to talk to Jackson about just how much she missed Tim.

In a moment of desolation, she made sure the police radio's microphone was turned off and then she poured out her feelings to Jackson, anyway.

Missing our chance

Missing a part of ourselves

Missing a part of myself