Here I am, a rabbit hearted girl
Frozen in the headlights
- Florence + the Machine
Sydney
June 2014
I watched Jessica draw a spiral for a few moments until I said, "Stop."
She, Angela, and I sat in the back of our Spanish class playing MASH. It was getting to the end of the school year and Mrs. Goff let us have the period to do what we wanted (as long as it was quiet) while she worked on grading finals. Jess drew a line through the spiral and counted the intersections. She used the number of intersections to go through the options of husband, pets, children, and housing to cross them off until only one in each category was left. That was supposed to be your future. I was only mildly interested in the results – my options for a husband were filled with fictional characters. Jess and Angela had filled theirs with boys from our freshman class and a few older boys as well. Jess had been happy when her round ended with her marrying Mike Newton – she still hadn't given up her crush on him, despite Mike not seeing her that way. He was too busy currently dating Katie Marshall. Nobody in this school appealed to me in that way and I was starting to worry that I would never understand dating.
Okay, I thought I didn't care about the outcome until Jessica circled 'Sauron' with a smirk. "Noooo," I groaned. Why couldn't have been Zuko? Or Legolas?
"Hey, you could rule Middle Earth together. It would be hot," Jess said.
"But I don't want to rule Middle Earth with him. He'd just turn everything into Mordor and there'd be orcs everywhere," I complained. And I didn't see how Sauron could be hot.
"I agree. Sydney deserves someone better than Sauron," Angela said.
Jessica shrugged helplessly. "That's how this round went. I can't change it now or it will mess everything up."
"Just finish it," I grumbled and reminded myself it was a stupid game. In the end, the only good option I got was Toothless the dragon as a pet.
"Another round?" Jessica asked Angela.
Angela shook her head. "I've had enough."
There were only so many rounds we could play to kill time and we still had twenty minutes left in the period. Honestly, I hated having to be in school when there was nothing to do. It had been like this all day and I didn't understand why they made us come to school when finals were over. I rather sit around and do nothing at home. Glancing up at Mrs. Goff's desk and seeing that she was still occupied, I pulled out my phone and opened Instagram. The first post on my feed was a new video from my cousin Katelyn.
When I first made an account, I couldn't help but look her up. I missed her the most out of the family I left behind. Even though my account was fairly anonymous – the only thing in my profile was my first name and the only pictures I had uploaded were those of my art and various scenery pictures from vacations with my family – there was a part of me that hoped that Katelyn knew it was me when I followed her.
The video was filmed in our old gym and I was filled with nostalgia. We spent so many hours there together. Katelyn ran down the vault runway and did an Amanar – a Yurchenko with two and a half twists, one of the more difficult vaults in women's gymnastics. She landed it with ease on the mat set over the foam pit blocks. It was a softer landing setup than the one used in competition but there was no doubt it would be competition ready when the time came. She'd posted a few weeks earlier that she'd qualified for elite and was training for the National Championships later in the summer. She was age eligible for the Rio Olympics in two years.
So was I.
I couldn't stop the thought even though I long since left gymnastics behind. After Mom died, I couldn't bring myself to start again. But sometimes I still regret it. Katelyn and I once dreamed about going to the Olympics together.
Feeling frustrated with myself for the regret, I closed the app and shoved my phone back in my bag.
"Are you okay?" Angela asked.
"Yeah, fine. I just want to get out of here." Why did time seem to go slower when waiting for school to end? How had only five minutes passed?
"I don't. I can't believe you guys are making me run," Jessica complained. "There's a reason why I play volleyball. Minimal running."
Last year in eighth grade, Angela and I joined the running club at the middle school and when we started high school, we joined the cross-country team. The season was over but she and I still made it a point to run together. At first, I wasn't sure about running. It didn't seem to come as naturally to me as it did to Angela. But I kept getting better at it and fell in love with it.
Angela rolled her eyes. "Okay, first of all, we're not making you do anything. You wanted to tag along."
"Second of all, your coach makes your team run for conditioning," I added.
"That's different than the hardcore long-distance stuff you weirdoes like to do. Why are you running in the off season anyway?"
"It's called keeping in shape," I said dryly.
"You're welcome to stay at my house while Syd and I run," Angela said with a smug smile. She knew this would make Jess follow through with the original plan.
Sure enough, Jessica made a face. "No, I'll run with you guys. Better than submitting to the fifty questions from your mom about what my summer plans are and what college I want to go to. We're only just finishing our freshman year. I can't think about college yet."
Angela didn't bother to defend her mom because Jessica was right – Mrs. Weber tended to ask a lot of questions. No doubt she'll ask several times exactly where we'll be running and if we'll have our phones. I knew it was out of concern for our safety but it was a bit annoying. We ran loops around the neighborhood and we always had our phones. At least Carlisle and Esme trusted me to run with friends and be safe.
Three years ago, Carlisle and Esme adopted me after my mom died. She and I had moved to Forks to escape my abusive father. Esme helped us a lot during that difficult time. Finding out they were vampires was a surprise but they didn't drink from people so I felt safe with them.
When I thought about my adopted parents, I stifled a laugh trying to imagine what overly concerned Mrs. Weber would say about Angela running with the daughter of the town's local vampires. I imagined she would freak out quite a bit despite Carlisle and Esme not being garden-variety people eating vampires.
"Now Jessica," Angela said in a pompous voice. "You know it's never too early to start thinking about college."
Jessica crumpled our MASH paper and threw it at her. "Oh shut up."
The bell rang and we trooped to the gym locker room to get our workout clothes and then walked to Angela's house. After we changed, we almost made it out the door to warm up without Mrs. Weber hovering.
"Angela, you have your phone, right?" Mrs. Weber called at the last second.
"Yes, Mom," Angela said patiently over her shoulder while Jessica and I surreptitiously made faces at each other. Called it.
We warmed up and stretched diligently, even though I itched to start running. But all the practices have ingrained the importance of warming up into me despite it feeling tedious. We looped around the neighborhood, staying together, but after a while, Angela inevitably pulled ahead. She was so much taller than Jessica and me and she was the fastest girl on our team. But she made sure not to get out of sight. As we approached the street where I lived with Mom, I kept my eyes on Angela's form, on the swing of her ponytail.
Back in the fall, there was one cross-country practice route that went down that street. I made it halfway down before I saw the house and I had a panic attack. Angela had been ahead of me then too and she turned around to find me hyperventilating on the sidewalk. Somehow she calmed me down enough so we could walk back to school together. It was embarrassing to explain to our coach. I didn't tell Carlisle and Esme what happened when I got home either.
The street sign got closer and closer in my peripheral vision. I pushed myself to run harder, pulling ahead of Jessica, in an effort to make the street go by faster.
"Hey, don't leave me behind!" Jessica complained. Angela paused to look back at us and I could tell she knew why I was pushing my pace. Just like she knew to avoid going down that street ever since that one practice. I was glad for her understanding and that I didn't need to explain. I never wanted to talk about Mom or the night she died if I could help it.
The street safely behind me, I slowed my pace to match Jessica's again. "Sorry," I said.
"You two are a pair of speed demons," Jessica panted.
"I think Angela has me beat for that title." Despite her pause, Angela was now several cross streets ahead of us.
Now that we were past that point of our route, I relaxed and lost myself in the feel of my feet hitting the ground, the sound of my breath, the feel of my heart. My thoughts quieted down to nothing. I felt free. Running made me feel strong and capable. Maybe I couldn't lift a car over my head like Emmett but I could do this. I stayed in that zone until we made it back to Angela's house. Tired and sweaty, we burst into Angela's kitchen in search of water and snacks and then camped out on the living room floor. I sat in a butterfly stretch while I ripped off the foil lid of my cherry yogurt.
Jessica gulped down half her water in one go. "Okay, that wasn't so bad."
Angela elbowed her. "Maybe I'll make you a cross country convert after all."
"Don't get too excited. I think it's just the endorphins talking."
"You could take my spot in the fall." I don't know why I said that. I didn't like thinking about my impending move more than I had to, but reminders of it were everywhere.
Since my family were vampires, they couldn't stay in one place for too long. They didn't want to give people too much time to notice that they weren't aging like they should. When they came to Washington, they had planned on staying long enough for Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper to finish a round of college – one of several they've done in their long lives – in Seattle. It was a plan set in motion before I became a part of the family. But that didn't mean I had to like it. It was only now sinking in that I would never have a permanent home again. I loved Esme and Carlisle and they were my only home now, but that didn't make the prospect of moving any easier. I didn't want to leave Jessica and Angela. They were my first friends in Forks. They made me feel normal, more than just The New Girl or The Girl Whose Mom Died. Now I would have to start all over again at another new school in a completely new state. I frowned into my yogurt, feeling the sting of sudden tears.
Angela put an arm around me. "Nobody could take your place, Syd."
"I wouldn't take your spot on the team. It's against the Best Friend Code," Jessica added.
"I'm really going to miss you guys." My voice broke.
"We'll miss you too," Angela said. She pulled me closer and I leaned my head against her shoulder.
Jessica scooted over and put her hand on my knee. "We'll keep in touch. You have to tell us all about LA and how much cooler it is there than in Forks."
I smiled weakly. "Yeah." I didn't know how I was going to do that since LA was a lie. We were actually moving to Michigan. Carlisle took a job as a cardiothoracic surgeon at the university hospital in Ann Arbor. We were going to live in a small town outside Ann Arbor called Chelsea. It would be hard to fake being in LA if I was going to keep in close contact with them.
"Who knows, maybe you'll be able to come visit us," Jessica added.
I nodded vaguely, knowing that it wouldn't be a possibility. "Let's talk about something else." I didn't want to keep lying to their faces.
Soon enough, Jessica and I had to head home, so Mrs. Weber gave us both rides and Angela tagged along. We chatted about lighter things the whole way, avoiding bringing up the topic of my move again. Jessica was dropped off first and then we were on the highway to my house.
"Here's the turn," I said to Mrs. Weber. Our driveway was easy to miss.
"Your folks sure live out of the way," Mrs. Weber commented.
"Yeah." It was kind of the point. It gave them privacy necessary to exist in the human world.
"Doesn't it get lonely?"
"Not really." My first impression of the house was that it was safe. My dad couldn't follow us there.
"Mom, Sydney can't help where she lives," Angela said.
"I'm just saying. I don't think I could live this far from town."
Good thing you don't have to, I thought and flung open my door as soon as she pulled to a stop in front of the house. "Thanks, Mrs. Weber. Bye, Ang!"
Inside, I found Emmett and Jasper playing Mario Maker. They, like Rosalie, had graduated the month before and moved out of their house in Seattle. Now they could spend their days playing video games for hours. I thought it was a little unfair that college ended earlier than high school did and they got longer holiday breaks too.
"Hey, kiddo," Emmett called, glancing at me. In that split second, Mario died. "Oh, shit."
"Never lose focus," Jasper said in a mock serious voice.
"Dude, this isn't one of your newborn battles," Emmett grumbled and started the level over.
I leaned against the back of the couch to watch for a moment. The level seemed to be a maze made out of spikes that you had to rush through to claim the stars that gave you immunity. "What's this one called?"
"Labyrinth One," Jasper said.
"Has he made it yet?"
"No, this is his tenth attempt."
"If the peanut gallery could keep it down, that would be nice," Emmett said. Jasper rolled his eyes.
"I'll leave you to it. I need to go shower." My workout clothes were getting uncomfortable. As I headed for my room, I heard Emmett crow in victory. He must have finally beaten the level, but I knew Jasper had more in store for him. Jasper got a little obsessed with making as many difficult levels as possible.
I dumped my backpack on my bed and went in search of fresh clothes. Before I moved in, this room was a guest room, even though my family didn't often have guests outside our cousins in Denali. Esme helped make it more of my own. The walls had been painted a pale purple. My desk was strewn with art supplies and bookshelves filled to the brim. Fairy lights were hung across the wall over my bed. Wide windows let in a lot of light, even on the cloudiest days. I had my own bathroom. Too soon, I would have to pack it all up and it would be empty.
In the bathroom, I put my phone in the speaker dock and turned on a playlist Edward made me. Emmett complained that he turned me into too much of a music nerd like him instead of introducing me to "cool" music. Which was dumb, because I liked pop music. I just happened to really like classical too.
Shower done, my stomach started complaining loudly. The yogurt I had after my run didn't cut it, so I wandered down to the kitchen to see what I could find for dinner. I stared into the packed contents of the fridge, trying to decide what I wanted.
"Think you'll survive the week?" Esme asked from behind me. She and Carlisle were leaving soon to go to Michigan to look at houses.
I grabbed the container of leftover lasagna soup. "I think I'll manage. There's enough food in there to feed an army."
Esme took the container from me and put some in a saucepan to heat up for me. "Well, I didn't want you to starve because nobody else knows how to cook."
"Hey, I know how to follow directions on a box. And how to order pizza," I said. I opened the freezer to get out a slice of frozen garlic toast. I reached over to turn on the oven to the right temperature. "See?"
"Quit growing up too fast," Esme teased and kissed my cheek.
While my food heated, Esme ran upstairs to get my brush and she braided my hair for me. It was like our own little ritual. From my vantage point at the dining table, I could see Carlisle set a couple of suitcases by the door and then he joined me and Esme.
"Hi, Sydney." He kissed my forehead. "How was school?"
"Boring. I mostly sat around all day. We played MASH in Spanish because we had nothing better to do."
Carlisle looked confused. "Isn't that a TV show?"
"No, it's a sort of fortune telling game," I said, also confused.
Esme stifled a laugh. "You know, it tells you who you're going to marry and how many kids you're going to have and if you have pets. That sort of thing." The oven beeped and she went to take the garlic bread out and turned off the stove.
"Wait, how do you know about this?"
"I thought it was common knowledge," Esme said. "How did the game go?" She set the steaming bowl of soup in front of me.
"I ended up marrying Sauron," I said.
Carlisle frowned. "That's…unfortunate. I'm not sure I would've given my blessing for that."
"You'd yell 'I object' during the ceremony?"
"Definitely. Actually, I'd probably bail you out of terrible dates in Mordor beforehand." He tilted his head, considering. "And that applies to real life dates too. I'd get you out of any of them if you wanted, no questions asked."
I snorted. "I don't think I'll be dating any time soon." Certainly not when we were leaving soon.
"Well, if you ever start dating, I want you to know that."
"Thanks, Carlisle." I tore a piece of the garlic bread and dipped it in the soup. It was just as good as it was last night. "You guys are leaving soon?" I asked, trying to keep my voice casual. They watched me with bright golden eyes; they had hunted yesterday in preparation for their flight. Flying was uncomfortable even as a human and I knew it was uncomfortable for them. When I went to Isle Esme with them for the first time, I overheard Emmett complain about how stuffy the plane was with all the human scents.
"Yes. You know you can text or call us any time," Esme said.
I kept my eyes on the soup. "I know. I'll be fine."
"How are you feeling about the move?" Carlisle asked.
"It's fine. It's…whatever," I said with a shrug.
"That's not really an answer," Esme said lightly.
"Look we have to move anyway and how I feel about it doesn't change that so it really doesn't matter," I muttered.
Esme sighed. "Okay. But you can always talk to us, sweetheart."
"I know."
They left it at that, probably knowing they wouldn't get much more out of me. I didn't want them to leave on a sour note so I said, "We got our science finals back already. I got a 95."
They smiled. "Great job, Sydney," Carlisle said.
"I really liked the bonus question. It was 'what's your favorite space movie?'" Mr. Molina liked putting fun questions like that on his tests. Naturally, I said Star Wars.
"Is this the teacher that asked if you liked vampires or werewolves?" Esme asked.
I giggled. "Yeah, because that test was around Halloween."
"Remind me…You said you like werewolves, right?" Carlisle teased.
"Yes, Carlisle, I totally put werewolves," I deadpanned.
When I finished my food, it was time for them to leave. I gave them both long hugs and tried to ignore the anxiety building inside. It was embarrassing, like I was a toddler that couldn't stand being away from her parents. They both kissed my head and repeated that I could contact them any time and I watched until Carlisle's car disappeared down the driveway.
.
Later that night, I had a familiar dream.
The door won't open. No matter how hard I try, it stays firmly shut, even though the doorknob spins like it's unlocked, even though I throw my entire body weight against it.
Then my phone is in my hands and I'm trying to dial Esme's number but it comes out entirely wrong and scrambled. I try again and again and the numbers never come out in the right order. Frustration claws up my throat and I let out a sob.
What's behind the door?
I give up putting in the number and try my contacts list. But I scroll and scroll endlessly, unable to find Esme's name. Why isn't it in there?
What's behind the door?!
I woke up with my face wet with tears. I sat up and turned on my bedside lamp. It was past two in the morning. I sniffed and unlocked my phone to find my group chat with Carlisle and Esme. The good night texts were reassuringly still there, though this late at night, they filled me with homesickness. I clicked on Esme's name and her number was still there, right where it should be. It was only a stupid dream. I'd had it more than once, so I didn't understand why it still managed to unsettle me. My finger hovered over the call button. I really wanted to hear her voice but I told her I would be fine. I didn't want to seem too needy. I tossed my phone on the bedside table and got out of bed to see what the others were doing. That was one good thing about living with vampires – someone was always awake when I couldn't sleep.
Jasper waited outside my door. "You okay, bug?"
I stepped into his open arms. "Just a dream."
"Do you want to call Esme?"
"No. Do you mind?" I asked, voice muffled against his shoulder. Jasper lightly pressed a hand between my shoulder blades and tension bled out of my body. The anxious buzzing in my head lowered its volume until it was background noise.
"This only treats the symptoms, not the disease," Jasper said.
I frowned up at him. "I don't have a disease."
"Okay, wrong word choice," he conceded. "But the point still stands."
"It's too late in the night for you to be so damn cryptic." It came out more defensive than I meant, but really, it was nothing. Only a stupid dream. I'd get over it.
Jasper considered me with a concerned eye but decided not to elaborate on what he was getting at. "Are you going to stay up?"
I nodded. Despite how tired I was, I wasn't ready to go back to bed, sure that I would only lay there tossing and turning
"Well, try not to stay up longer than an hour. You do need sleep and you have school tomorrow."
I rolled my eyes. Sometimes he was such a mother hen. "Okay, Mom."
Jasper ruffled my hair and I batted his hand away. "Emmett's still playing Mario Maker if you want to watch."
We headed down to the living room. Emmett stared at the TV in concentration while on the screen Mario scaled between walls that had spikes on them. "Which hell level of yours is he on now anyway?"
"Labyrinth Three."
"Still?" He had been working on that one when I went to bed. "Can't you give him a hint?"
"He's used up his hints."
"You are so mean to him."
"I could be even meaner."
"You could, but why would you?"
"Because he likes to see me suffer!" Emmett said. On the screen, Mario died by a gauntlet of Thwomps that looked impossible to race from underneath. I already lost count of how many times he died there. "I'm about this close to losing it!"
I tugged on Jasper's arm. "Give him some help."
"But he's out of hints," Jasper protested.
"But I'm getting bored of this level. I want to see a different one," I complained and gave him my best attempt at puppy dog eyes.
Jasper's lips twitched holding back a smile and he sighed in a defeated way. "Give me the controller, Emmett."
Emmett gladly surrendered it. "Why do you only agree to help me when Syd asks?"
"I like her better."
"Bro." Emmett put a hand on his chest. "That cuts me deep."
"You'll live," Jasper said dismissively. He restarted the level and directed Mario to a secret side door at the beginning of the level. It deposited him right at the end and he jumped on the pole to victory. "There you go." Jasper tossed the controller back.
"Oh my God," I laughed. "That's just evil!"
Emmett's mouth hung open in shock. "You're telling me that the whole fucking level was unnecessary?"
"Yes."
"And all your hints were bullshit and you had me running around in circles for nothing?"
"Well, not for nothing. It was very entertaining to see you struggle. I'm really surprised you didn't catch on sooner," Jasper said, smirking.
"That's it!" Emmett leapt to his feet. "Let's take this outside!"
Jasper glanced at me. "My cue to go." He zipped outside with Emmett hot on his heels. I heard them yell and crash across the yard, before everything became quiet. My anxiety came back full force now that Jasper wasn't close by. I still didn't want to be alone or go back to bed, so I decided to find Rosalie.
She was out in the garage like usual. I really didn't care about cars, but I did like watching Rosalie work. She seemed happiest up to her elbows in a car engine and her hands covered in grease. Her latest project was restoring some old Jaguar that Edward had gotten her last Christmas.
"What's up, babe?" she called when I made a beeline for the couch she kept for me.
"Emmett realized that Jasper was trolling him the entire time with Labyrinth Three," I said and wrapped myself in the throw blanket.
"I heard." Rosalie rolled her eyes, but in a fond way. "Emmett should have realized sooner." She eyed me shrewdly. "And why are you up? Did you have another bad dream?"
I sighed. "Yeah," I admitted, since there was no point lying to her. "But I don't want to talk about it, okay?"
"Okay," she said. "But you are allowed to call Esme if you need her. You don't have to tough it out alone."
"Since when are you a mind reader?"
"I'm not, but I know you and I heard Jasper ask you about calling her." She dug around in her toolbox for a socket wrench. It was the only tool I remembered the exact name for because I liked the sound it made. "You are also allowed to not like the fact that we're moving soon."
"It doesn't matter," I said automatically.
"Sydney." Rosalie said my name in her I'm-not-taking-bullshit voice. "How you feel always matters."
I looked away from her intense stare. "Okay," I mumbled, not knowing what to say to that.
"I'll let you in on a little secret. I don't like moving either," Rosalie said.
"You don't?" I was surprised. Everyone seemed to take moving so matter-of-factly. I was the only one that hated it was happening.
"I hate never being able to settle in one place and have to start the human charade over and over again."
"Are you going to tell me that there's a silver lining?" I asked.
"God, no. Sometimes things just suck and that's fine. You don't have to look on the bright side for everything."
"Thanks, Rosalie."
"Any time, babe."
I listened to her work on the car until I fell asleep. I woke briefly to find that Rosalie was carrying me back to my bed and when she tucked me in, I slept through the rest of the night.
AN: It's probably inadvisable to post a sequel when you're not done with the first part, but what the heck. I'm doing this for two people (you know who you are!) I will be finishing HOY, don't worry. Let me know what you think!
Also...do kids in high school still play MASH or am I unfortunately dating myself here?