Chapter 1
Cassian was a great commander, and for a very long time he believed that was the highest accomplishment he'd achieve. That meant he gave his whole life to ensuring his ranks were strong and reliable. Rhysand, who had given so much for his people already, deserved that. His family and friends deserved the same. The constant need to keep them all safe had always been his driving force and he didn't think he could feel it any stronger than he already did. And then he found Nesta.
To be more specific, he found his mate. That bond had made him go to incredible lengths to keep her safe despite their complicated relationship outside of it. She had not taken it easy on him, she still didn't but it made him strive to be better. Amren had told him to keep reaching out his hand, so he did. Nesta, after months of highs and lows, had found her place in this world she had once hated. Cassian supposed he had made her better too.
Dinners with the inner circle had become mostly tension free, dare he say it they were a highlight of his week. At the most recent dinner they had celebrated Nyx's first birthday. That day had come with so many feelings, the memory of his birth would forever bring forward a plethora of emotions. This day would be one of mourning had it not been for that harp, had it not been for Nesta.
Cassian would be lying if he said he didn't feel nervous about having children of their own, even with Nesta's body being able to birth a baby with wings. Complications were still a possibility. That terrified him and she was seemingly unphased. When she told him she was ready to stop taking the contraceptive tea he didn't disagree because he did truly want to make a family with her.
"I thought you'd be more excited." Nesta had said, confusion on her features.
"I absolutely am," He countered, "I just didn't think you'd be ready so soon."
"It may never happen for us, anyways. I just feel that it's time to let go of the fear." It was Cassian's turn to be taken aback.
"I fear being a mother and I cannot say for certain where your fear lies but I can see it's there, Cassian. We need to let whatever force controls these matters do what they do best."
Cassian laughed, "Attempt to destroy our lives?" Nesta shrugged.
"I'll only stop if you're ready too." She finally said after spending a moment too long in the uncertain quiet.
"Nesta," Cassian took both her hands in his, "I want nothing more than to take this journey with you." It was decided.
BREAK
The Illyrian army was a full-time job that Cassian would never truly be rid of. It was an honor to command them, and they were strong. Today he was able to show Rhys just how wonderfully they were doing.
"No surprise at all brother, well done." Rhys settled in Cassian's tent after an afternoon of being formal. He looked as though he could easily fall asleep in the very uncomfortable chair he sat in.
"I didn't realize a routine inspection could take it out of you so easily." Cassian laughed; Rhys did the same. Albeit with a lot less energy.
"Nyx has decided sleep is beneath him."
"The joys of parenthood I suppose." Maybe one day he'd understand, leaving Nesta was getting more difficult as time went on. He never knew when he'd return home to a clear shift in the bond.
"One day you'll know too, Cassian." He had not told Rhys that Nesta had gone off the tea. It had been nearly seven months since she had but there was no pregnancy to speak of yet. For now, that was acceptable.
Nesta was still training with the Valkyries part time and the Illyrian army was keeping Cassian plenty busy. In the past weeks Nesta had even been joining him at the Illyrian camp to train… amongst other physical activities. He was positive Rhys was aware of this as he never made himself comfortable near the bed in the tent. He could be embarrassed by this, but it would be waste of precious energy.
"When do you plan on going back to the house?" Rhys asked, clearly willing himself to stay alert.
"Hopefully when you travel home as well. I haven't been back for a week." He missed Nesta. Even when there were plenty of distractions present, he missed her. Although there was always a very warm welcome waiting for him when he got home that made it worth the time apart.
"I can't help but wonder how differently our lives would be if the absolute chaos that was the last two years occurred." Rhys marveled, "How empty it would've been."
"Exhaustion makes you sentimental."
"That it does." Rhys stretched his arms and stood, indicating he was ready to make the journey home. "I am ready to return to my reality of no sleep and singing nursery rhymes." Truthfully, that sounded wonderful. They both made the winnow home.
BREAK
Training was what Nesta looked forward to most when Cassian was away, it was the best way to release the energy she could never quite get rid of. So, when she woke feeling ill and then proceeded to train regardless, she was surprised to find it did completely drain her. She slept perfectly fine, even without Cassian beside her yet she couldn't make it past her chair by the fireplace upon her return home that evening.
She awoke to Cassian lifting her off the chair and feigned sleep a little longer. Even fiercely independent, strong, half-fae warriors just wanted to be carried to bed on occasion. She could also admit that she appreciated being taken care of by the one person she knew would never hold it against her. Surely the façade of her sleep could not last much longer as there was no way she would sully her sheets with the amount of dirt and sweat on her body, but these last few moments were to be enjoyed nonetheless.
"Welcome home." She muttered sleepily, looking up at Cassian who looked as happy and nearly as exhausted as she felt.
"Happy to be back, sweetheart." He chuckled softly, "As excited as I am to catch up, I feel a bath is in order. For the both of us." Those words were music to her ears.
A short while later Nesta was fully submerged in warm, sudsy water. A year ago, she wouldn't believe she'd be capable of enjoying this feeling but now it was one of her favorite things after coming home after a long day. Another one of her favorite things was currently making his way into the bath with her.
As long as she lived Nesta would always be in awe of Cassians body. Even when he had first entered her home in the human lands, even when his over-confidence had irritated the living daylights out of her, she had found him to be gorgeous. His arms were strong and defined, she had seen them be used in the most violent of ways but also in moments of complete gentleness. As for the rest of him that was left unseen outside of their room, she'd never quite found the words to do him justice.
Cassian settled in the tub and pulled Nesta into him, her back against his chest and slowly stroked her arm with his thumbs. She could feel him stiffen against her lower back and the temptation to act on her own arousal was strong, unfortunately tonight it was not to outdone by her need for rest.
"Did you accomplish a lot in your week away?" Nesta tried to keep the passive bitterness out of her tone, she was working on being kinder with her words. Some days she was successful.
"I did but it doesn't make me happy to be away for that long." He sighed, a quiet one but easily heard from where she was laying. "I feel as though everything is going too well. I don't know what we're preparing for anymore, I don't think I want there to be anything to prepare for."
"Maybe there won't be." She mused, "Although with our luck I wouldn't put my faith in that."
Nesta had told herself when he got home that she'd share her thoughts with him; each day he'd been away she lost a little more of her resolve. So, she willed herself to just say it.
"I think there's something wrong with me." She caught herself, "I think there's something wrong with my ability to… reproduce." She felt Cassian shift behind her, his mouth going for the crook of her neck and placing a gentle kiss there. Did the hesitation to speak mean that he had also thought about this?
"I really don't believe that is the case, Nes." He didn't change his position, instead choosing to rest there.
"Fae pregnancies are not as common as human ones; we've barely started trying." He kissed her again, she let herself release the tension in her chest. "I also don't like how you're finding a way to blame this on yourself, that's something you said you'd work on."
"I'm aware of that but it doesn't stop the thought from happening." That was the honest truth. Nesta had been working on not believing every passing thought that entered her consciousness but it was easier said than done. Breathwork helped, as did talking to Gwyn and Emerie, but even they did not know about this. She did ask herself why she was unable to share her feelings regarding motherhood or why she asked Cassian to keep it between themselves. Of course she was afraid she'd be like her own mother, even with all the work she had done on herself over the years. Cassian would be an amazing father, there was no doubt in her mind about that and it brought a profound sense of relief… along with self doubt.
Cassian had believed in what she could be, even when she was self-medicating with sex and alcohol. He had known that if he kept trying with her that she could be better. Nesta had tested his resolve with dizzying effort and in the end he stood, occasionally shaken, but never absent. That dedication is what he deserved from her. The idea that she may not be able to give him a child created an emptiness in her that was unnerving, which was exactly why she had to tell him about it.
"I love you. We do not need a child to make us a family, we are one already." His words brought her focus back. "What I do need is for you to stay with me and not go back into that void you've worked so hard to stay out of." She felt herself nodding because she would keep trying. They both would.
BREAK
The next morning Cassian woke to find himself staring directly into a ray of sunlight peaking through the curtains. A blinding reminder that he still had a long list of tasks to attend to. He also noticed Nesta was not sleeping beside him, this was slightly unusual. He did hear soft voices coming from the dining room on the main floor; a thoughtful act on Nesta's behalf even if she did forget to shut the bedroom door behind her.
"I don't quite understand the bond myself, Elain. It's still very new to me." So it was Elain visiting for early breakfast, perhaps Mor had brought her. "I do think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to take yours in a romantic direction."
Cassian slowly made his way out of bed, grasping at whatever clean clothes were folded on the tufted bench near the end of the bed. He didn't mean to eavesdrop… that was a lie. There was sympathy to be had for Elain and Lucien's situation, he certainly felt it. It wasn't that long ago he was certain his own mating bond was going to be constant pain his behind for his whole existence. The comparison gave him some hope that maybe this too was temporary, despite his mixed feelings for Lucien. He wasn't a bad male by any means, just in a complicated position.
"I want to feel more for him, I think I can give it a fair shot." Elain was saying.
"You have been Elain, especially over the last six months. It really is okay if you feel more platonic affection for him." Nesta knew that Elain was a romantic, that the idea of living in a state of platonic affection would be very unfulfilling.
"I am sorry, I don't have anything helpful in all of this. Maybe Feyre knows more of other mated pairs who have been in a similar position." Admitting not knowing something was difficult for her, Cassian made a mental note of the ease she had just done so. The sisters stopped chatting for a moment too long.
"Good morning Cassian." Elain said, smiling pleasantly. Cassian nodded with a slight smile and officially entered the room, Nesta already looking slightly unimpressed with his sneaking about.
"You know how to make your presence known, love." Nesta smirked, "No need to do stealth exercises in our own home." Cassian shrugged and sighed, no words for defense.
"My apologies ladies," He sat across the table Elain, where Nesta had not yet seated herself. "Any plans for this lovely day?"
"Off to spend it with my mate. Just needing some sisterly advice." Elain confided, she was generally an open book as of late. A emerging trait that Cassian appreciated, although he'd be lying if he said he didn't enjoy playing light mind games with his own mate.
"Which I have very little of this morning unfortunately." Nesta added, Elain laughed lightly as to attempt to take pressure of her sister. She was a good reader of rooms.
"I will be off though, Mor said she'd be here shortly." Elain stood and looked at Cassian, "She said she'll see you both this evening so to hold all the wild stories of your week away until then."
"Of course, we'll see you then as well." Cassian went to open the door for her and Nesta gave her a quick hug good bye and whispered something in her ear. Elain nodded slowly and was off, kissing Cassian on the quick briefly before exiting the house.
"Care to share?" Cassian asked.
"If I had do you think I would've whispered it?" Nesta quipped with a smirk, "We have training to do, Cassian, let's get dressed." So it would be a no nonsense day, it seemed.
BREAK
Valkyrie training was quite different than the camp Cassian oversaw, although female warriors were welcome at both very few chose to make the latter their home. He understood why, there was still some tension and until one was ready to handle their own defense the journey did not feel worth it.
"This will be bumpy road but one we must pave regardless." Rhys had said, Nesta agreed. Their relationship was one that had also been rather bumpy but throughout the years had formed into one of mutual respect. If he looked close enough he could even see them enjoying each others presence. Not that anyone in their inner circle would articulate that in fear of ruining the development.
The training grounds were small but used effectively and there had been no need for bunk tents so the only permanent structures were medic tent as well as a small cooking space near the fire. This morning Nesta had wanted to focus on sword handling with the newer recruits, some of which had wings, and Cassian had volunteered to help. Working with his mate was quite enjoyable, he could see why Rhys and Feyre found so much joy in it. The one difficulty he found was that he had to focus that much harder when Nesta was in her element, he couldn't help but be appropriately aroused. Today he felt focusing was more of challenge. Perhaps a lack of energy or being away for longer than usual?
"Finding and maintain your center is especially important; striking from a place of insecurity not only weakens it but also opens you up for an unexpected attack." She was explaining to the smaller grouping of women, she paused and briefly analyzed the group.
"Jocasta, will you join me?" She waved a smaller girl with a strong stance to the front of the group. "I want you to aim for my right leg, loosen your stance." Cassian had seen this multiple times, witnessed Nesta ask them to attack her in purpose. She had never once been hurt by it, he felt very bothered in this moment by her request.
Jocasta swung back and his gut lurched, her strike was met by Nesta's blade and Jocasta was knocked back a few steps. She was fine. He knew that.
"Find your center, you should not to be cemented to the ground but near to. Strike again when you're ready." She instructed, realigning herself. Jocasta took a moment, taking instructions well, and struck. Sure enough Jocasta struck strong and true, and when Nesta swung on the offensive she was blocked with such force she slid back a few feet before stopping herself by putting her knee and hand to the ground.
Cassian felt a rush of adrenaline and felt a growl begin, he managed to hold it down painfully, but he could not stop himself from rushing to Nesta. She was already wiping the dirt off her hand when he had gotten to her and began commending the young warrior for the demonstration as he put his hand on her elbow with a sense of urgency. Nesta looked back at him, concerned and shocked.
"What?" She whispered, as to not worry the ladies. Cassian just maintained his gaze and she instructed everyone to partner up and practice. Without taking his hand off her, he led her to the medic tent ignoring her questions on the short walk.
"I'm okay, Cassian, although a little embarrassed. If they think I can't handle taking a hit…"
"I'm sorry just please stay with me for a moment." He appealed once entering the privacy of the tent, leading her to the small cot and pulling her onto his lap. He held onto her tightly, putting her head under chin and just breathing. She smelt different, not like the ash and dust that surrounded them in the grounds but almost floral. Nesta relaxed in his arms, albeit forcefully as she was still feeling confused. The quiet continued for an uncertain amount of time before she finally asked, "What's going on?".
"I don't know, Nes. I know you're not hurt I just felt aggressive seeing you get hit at all. I've never felt that here before." He didn't have the mental space to string all the thoughts together, but Nesta did, she pulled away from him slightly and put her hand on his cheek.
"I am safe, Cass. Look at me, in the eyes please." He listened and he could feel his focus returning. She appeared to be happy, a little concern for his state, but otherwise happy. "I think this could mean something good."
"Like what? I'm an overprotective asshole?" Nesta laughed.
"Maybe," She admitted, "I think we should go to the river house a little earlier today." Cassian still hadn't quite caught her meaning.
"I'm saying your protective instinct just presented itself very strongly," She got up from his lap slowly and gently urged him to follow, "Maybe I'm giving off a different scent?"
The realization struck him followed by anxiety and then excitement.
"Could you be pregnant?" He asked.
"We should probably find out." She stated, "Just before we get too ahead of ourselves." Cassian couldn't help it. The overwhelming need to protect was settling in like a cold on a winter morning. They flew to the river house immediately.