Hello everyone! Hope you enjoy this one-shot. I'm still working on my Marvel Carrie White stories, I will probably start posting them sometime next month. Please enjoy this and remember that this is also posted on Archive of Our Own under the same name!

Sincerely,

PagesInTheLibrary

P.S - Yes I changed the title. I came across a poem called "White Stars" by Lenore Hetrick that suits this story better as a name inspiration, since its taking place during a blizzard and Lucy is associated with stars and the like. I wish I found it sooner! The first part of Mrs. Hetrick's poem is in italics before the beginning of the actual story.

White Stars

The small white stars that fall to earth

When December snows come down

Are envied by the small gold stars

That shine above the town.

One of the worst things about this clusterfuck was how E.N.D had to hold back. He always needed to be on his guard, or risk dipping into his demonic magic instinctively and then he would be fucked. Not at that exact moment, but it would probably snowball from there and be a matter of "when" not "if" Fairy Tail made its move against him.

He would go as far as to say half-assing his fights hurt his soul, but he wasn't even sure he had one if they existed at all. For all he knew, he shared the same one as the twerp, and since that pissed him off, he avoided thinking about it. The Etherious avoided thinking about a lot of things. His other half's slow but steadily growing foothold in their shared mindscape was an excellent example. The boy might think he was being sneaky, but he wasn't. It was their mind. Yes, there were nuances E.N.D probably wasn't aware of in his other half's stronghold, but he could feel the general echo of it.

Time was running out and he couldn't even cut loose to let out some steam. The spars and occasional Fairy Tail brawl were not enough. He couldn't even go full throttle on a job because at the very least, Happy would be with him and just taking the Exceed would raise eyebrows now. The boy hadn't gone on a job with only the blue cat for company in years.

It was a moot point anyway. He scowled into his mug of hot chocolate. Most jobs nowadays were to help with reconstruction from the war or dealing with the trash of humanity that were trying to take advantage of the chaos. Sometimes the trash turned out to be wizards, but they rarely provided the challenge he wanted. The ones that might be worth the effort were in S ranked jobs and the brat hadn't achieved that status. E.N.D wasn't about to sacrifice valuable time to get it for himself either.

He had two ways of coping with this frustration. One was slipping away and doing solo training that would leave the land unrecognizable. The second was. . .

"Natsu, what's wrong?" Lucy looked up at him from her desk, brow furrowed. Outside was an unforgiving blizzard, Happy had jumped at the chance for a winter sleepover when they saw it approaching the town and so, here they were.

While they got a Lucy Kick for dumping sleeping bags, food, and a shitload of mismatched pillows on her floor, she didn't throw them out and seemed grateful for the company. Happy was looking through a cookbook for fish recipes, swinging his legs back and forth from his comfy place in the pile of cushions near the fireplace.

"Nothin'." E.N.D lied. Her face scrunched up, displeasure in her eye.

"You need to lie better." The Celestial Spirit mage huffed, she got up from her desk and looked outside. The snow was piling up and up, it was a good thing reconstruction was finished for the most part. It didn't look like they were leaving anytime soon though, this was the second day with no sign of stopping. The sky was darkening fast, and as it did pinpricks of light blinked into view.

"What's eating at you, Natsu?" She asked, still looking out the window. E.N.D shifted a bit from where he sat on Lucy's bed. In the aftermath of the. . . Incident some months ago, Happy had insisted on being around Lucy more often. It was an excuse to avoid the rest of the guild and be in the company of creatures he could tolerate so the Etherious went along.

He didn't expect how much more he would start letting his guard down around her. The three of them fell asleep on Lucy's bed, talking about anything really. Past jobs, what was happening in the guild, how training was going. . .

Sometimes, Happy would fall asleep before them and it would just be E.N.D and the Celestial Spirit mage talking. The end result was that one night, he ended up trying to sleep in the brat's cabin only to realize with chagrin that it wasn't the same without Lucy. He just didn't sleep as well without her next to him.

That realization went on the ever-growing list of things E.N.D swore to take to his grave. No other soul would hear even a whisper of it. Especially Happy, and very especially the Demon Strauss sister. E.N.D shuddered at the thought of the relentless matchmaker.

The point of all this was that the Etherious couldn't dance around the truth anymore. Lucy Heartfilia had her claws sunk into him since the beginning and E.N.D wouldn't pretend otherwise. He couldn't, not when these feelings had roots in the time he spent with her. It wasn't just the echoes of his other half who kept rejecting him, this. . . relationship was something E.N.D had created. It was based on. . . well, not exactly a lie because he was Natsu Dragneel, but the Etherious knew he was making sure Lucy understood the truths he told her in a specific way. One that conveniently benefitted him. It was deception from a lack of honesty that would probably blow up in his face one day. None of those bitter facts changed his desire to selfishly keep her for as long as possible.

"Natsu?" Lucy was looking at him now, lips pressed together. Happy was too caught up in his book to pay attention to their standoff.

E.N.D huffed. "I was thinkin'. . ." He trailed off and the Celestial Spirit mage waited patiently for him to find the words. "I was thinkin' about my past."

She hadn't been expecting that response and her eyebrows shot up, but she said nothing, just moved to sit down next to him. The Etherious suppressed a smile as their shoulders bummed together. A silent encouragement.

"I wanna understand myself better, but I don't know anythin' about my life before Dad except for what Zeref told me. I don't think he was lying but he only told me the bare bones. It doesn't feel like enough."

Lucy's expression had softened. "I get that. Anna's been telling me about our family. I didn't even know that Heartfilia was my mother's last name or just how long A-Aquarius's key was passed down from mother to daughter. There's so much I don't know."

There was something very much like hurt in the words, and it wasn't just about Aquarius's key. E.N.D could feel the sense of betrayal, of being kept in the dark and left to fumble for the path by clumsy touch. He quietly wondered why Layla hadn't told Lucy anything about their family tree. She had been ten when her mother passed and old enough to be told some of her family history. Perhaps it was a coming-of-age thing? If that was the case Layla might have trusted her husband to give Lucy the information later on, and Jude. . . didn't. That would definitely reopen old wounds.

The worst thing about all of this is that there would be no closure. Lucy was never going to be able to ask her parents why they kept so much from her. Anna, at least, would be able to give back some of what was taken from her. It turned out the time traveler had stayed on the Heartfilia estate, though not the mansion itself, after her arrival to prepare for her mission to find the Dragon Slayer children. Anna also took that opportunity to look at the family history and writings to see what had become of her daughter and what their clan might have gotten tangled up in.

To say Anna had plenty to tell and show Lucy would be an understatement. The books, some aged but well preserved, to battered and frayed, that appeared in the apartment after the elder Heartfilia's visits didn't escape E.N.D's notice. While access to that knowledge gave Lucy guidance and nurtured her growth as a celestial wizard, it only added to the feelings of hurt. Why did she only have access to this now?

"Maybe you guys can figure it out together?"

Happy's voice made them both jump and E.N.D realized how close they had gotten, Lucy resting her head against his shoulder and the fingers of his free hand tangled with hers. He tried to ignore how hot his ears felt, knowing they were probably pink. Beside him, Lucy was trying to regain her composure and he looked down at the Exceed whose expression was a mix of a being a touch too innocent and genuine thoughtfulness.

"W-what do you mean?" Lucy muttered, tugging at a pigtail.

"Maybe you can help Natsu figure out his past, you can ask Anna for help when she comes by. She knew Natsu when he was little and might know some spells that can help." The Exceed explain.

"That's. . . not a bad idea." Lucy looked thoughtful as the Etherious tried to stay calm. He downed the remainder of the hot chocolate, remembering Leo. The perverted lion was being tight lipped about his suspicions over the marks. Even Lucy didn't know what the Lion's theory was. He hoped to hell and back that Anna's help didn't come with celestial spirits attached.

It was probably a vain, stupid hope.

"Do you mind, Natsu?" The former heiress turned to him, biting on her lower lip thoughtfully. "My family's dabbled in memory spells; it was a way to make sure the instructions about the Eclipse Gate weren't lost if something bad happened."

Memory spells.

There was a time - only remembered in hazy indistinct memories of memories that Zeref unknowingly confirmed with offhand comments - in E.N.D's existence when he wasn't a part of Natsu. It could hold the key to getting a body of his own, if only he could remember.

"Nope!" He grinned. "Go ahead and tell her to drop by."

Lucy smiled brightly. "Okay! After the blizzards over I'll get in touch with her!"

She hoped this would help. While he was opening up to her and Happy more about his fears, he still wasn't himself. There weren't any sparks in his eyes, and most of his smiles and grins were too tight to be real. Even his friendly teasing and pranks felt more like he was going through the motions, there wasn't any heart in them. It felt like something in Natsu was dimming and her the dragon's passionate, carefree fire was being smothered by something.

What scared her the most was the carefulness about him now that was absolutely not Natsu Dragneel. Her partner could be careful and think when the situation demanded it – some of their adventures, Tartarus, and the war proved that plenty of times. It wasn't him though – Natsu was loud, impulsive, and sometimes insensitive with more energy than anyone had a right to possess. He was passionate and loyal to the people in his life and there was no challenge or danger he wouldn't throw himself into for their sake even if the odds were against him.

Her partner was a relentless inferno for better or worse incarnated into a physical body that funneled all of that fire into will and power that defied common sense. Natsu wasn't. . . he wasn't careful or reserved, or emotionally distant by default. He wasn't.

Anna would be able to help, she had to know something. If she didn't Lucy would figure out something herself, she'd ask Levy for help if she had to. Natsu was hurting and she wouldn't do nothing about it. If digging up his past was what he needed to heal she would do everything she could to help him.

He would do nothing less for her, after all.