Overwhelmed
Dear diary, I'm back. So a few months have passed and things haven't gotten any easier. We've been trying to build a portal back to the demon realm, but nothings working. I'm starting to feel like giving up, but I can't. I need to get back to make sure Eda and King are okay and I will.
It's been hard, but I'm doing my best. I guess the bright side to all of this is my friends are still here with me, so I'm not alone. But then I think about how I'm the reason they're stuck here and can't help but feel guilty. I really am a horrible person, aren't I?
Luz closes her laptop and gets out her notebook and starts drawing pictures of Eda and King. She misses them and uses art to cope. She's even drawing light glyphs, wishing she could feel some sense of closeness to magic again, but that's gone too.
Suddenly, Luz hears her Mom call her and lets her know the bus is here to take her to school. Camila said she didn't have to go back if she wasn't ready, but Luz decided it would be best. She needs a distraction from her thoughts and needs to keep her promise to her Mom by keeping out of trouble and acting as normal as possible.
Luz gets on the bus and watches as the road passes her by. She feels like she's just going through the motions day by day. Like living in a dream, but instead of getting lost in a magical fantasy world, it's as if her mind is trying to escape being trapped in a painful reality.
Everything happens so fast and before Luz can comprehend what happened, she's walking out of her classroom embarrassed after having a breakdown. She's ashamed letting her emotions get the better of her and puts more blame on herself for letting herself get out of control.
Luz walks into the library and sits down at a table alone, putting her backpack on the table so no one will sit next to her. Then she pulls out her laptop and starts writing in her journal.
Dear diary, today was rough. I had a total meltdown in class. I still can't believe what I said. Sure I've been thinking about it for a while, but saying it out loud is making it feel real. Maybe it would be better if the hero never existed. I was out of control and I think it's a cry for help, but no one seemed to care. Maybe it would be best if I disappeared.
Wow, these thoughts are dark. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I know why I'm feeling this way, but I can't bring myself to ask for help. I'm afraid I'll hurt people if I tell them. Besides, I don't deserve to feel okay again, not after everything I've done.
Suddenly, Luz gets a text from her Mom letting her know she's here to pick her up. She closes her laptop and walks out of the library and down the hallway. People are staring and whispering but no one is asking questions. Part of her wants someone to reach out, to take this burden away and let her know it's going to be okay, but she stays silent.
Luz keeps walking, ignoring everyone around her and putting her headphones on, shutting the world out. Thinking of Eda and King again and how much she misses them but trying so hard to bury those feelings.
Luz takes off her headphones when she sees her Mom and gets in the car. She stares out the window again with a distant look on her face and a deep pain in her tired eyes. She has a conversation with her Mom but barely remembers it as she zones out.
Suddenly, the car comes to a quick stop as they pass a frightening car accident. Thankfully the Mother and daughter are okay, but Luz watches as they drive past them with fear. Part of her needed that, a wake up call back to reality but now she's feeling on edge.
Camila can tell something's wrong, Luz hasn't been acting like herself and she's concerned, so she tries to talk to her.
"Luz, I know you've been through a lot and I want to give you all the time you need to process everything. I know it's hard, but I think you'll feel so much better if you talk about it." Camila said.
Luz continues staring out the window with that numb tired look in her eyes. The last thing she wants to do is tell her Mom about her self deprecating thoughts, so she holds back the tears she can feel coming.
"I'm fine. I've actually been writing a Good Witch Azura fanfic to cope and it's been helpful." Luz replied.
"That's good. Art is a great way to express yourself, but you're spending so much time alone lately. I'm just worried." Camila replied.
Camila stops the car as they arrive home and Luz opens the door, not looking back. She's been zoning out more often, so much so that reality's starting to become blurry. She didn't even hear the last thing her Mom said, so Camila catches up with her as she walks back inside the house with that blank stare.
"Luz, I don't want to push you, but I'm starting to get concerned. What's going on?" Camila asked.
Luz snaps out of it and looks around, a bit confused, but slowly starting to become aware of her surroundings. Then she puts a smile on, trying to convince her Mom she's alright.
"It's nothing. Like I said, I'm fine. Just tired is all. Actually, I'm going to go get some rest if that's okay." Luz replied.
Camila gives Luz a hug which surprises her, but she hugs her back. She needs comfort from her loved ones now more than ever.
Once they're done hugging, Luz heads up to her room, looking back at her Mom one last time with a tired smile.
"Don't worry, I'll be okay. I promise." Luz said.
With that, Luz goes into her bedroom and sits at her desk to write in her journal.
Dear diary, I'm exhausted. I'm starting to feel physically sick and it worries me. I'm not sleeping and reality is starting to become blurry. I feel like my mind's all foggy but I'm on edge at the same time. What's going on? I've never felt this way before and the worst part is I can't just snap out of it.
Everyone's starting to notice. I should try to hide it better so they don't worry, but it's getting harder to control. I miss when I could just escape into my fantasy worlds, reading The Good Witch Azura books, writing fanfiction, playing video games, anything to get my mind out of this darkness. I'm trying so hard, but I just don't enjoy anything anymore.
I feel like the only way to escape this is to let go of reality. Permanently.
Suddenly, Luz hears someone knock on the door and snaps out of it.
"Luz, it's Amity. Can I come in?" Amity asked.
Hearing Amity's calm and kind voice, Luz starts to cry. She closes her laptop and lies her head down on her desk, trying to stop herself from expressing her painful emotions.
"Please don't come in. I just need to be alone right now." Luz replied.
Amity's heart skips a beat as fear for her girlfriend comes over her. But she doesn't let that stop her from making sure Luz is okay.
Amity opens the door and is shocked to see Luz look at her with deep sadness in her eyes. Seeing her like this, Amity starts to tear up and rushes over to Luz.
"Luz, what happened? Are you okay?" Amity asked.
Luz hugs Amity, needing closeness and comfort from someone who loves her, someone who can reassure her that her life matters.
Luz looks into Amity's eyes and can see her deep concern for her so she starts to open up a little.
"I just had a bad day at school. I guess I'm stressed out about everything. I'm sorry." Luz replied.
"You don't need to apologize. I'm just scared. You've been so distant lately and it hurts to see you like this. I want to help, but I can't do that if you don't tell me what's wrong." Amity said.
Luz looks at the ground, a distant expression on her face as she tries to tune out the world around her and escape this.
Amity takes Luz's hand, letting her know she's here to support her.
"I know you've been through a lot, but shutting everyone out like this isn't going to help. Why don't we start with talking about what happened at school today?" Amity asked.
Luz looks Amity in the eyes, takes a deep breath, and gains the courage to tell her the truth.
"Okay. I had a meltdown in class. I was projecting onto a character we were reading about and I said…his friends and family should hate him and that it would be better if he never existed. I…I was talking about myself and the scary part is, I believe it." Luz replied.
Amity just stares at Luz, tears in her eyes with a terrified expression. She knew Luz was struggling, but she didn't know she was suffering to this extreme degree.
Luz looks away, feeling ashamed.
Amity takes Luz's hand, she's not going to leave her alone in this state.
"Come on, this is serious. We need to talk to your Mom about this." Amity said.
Luz freezes for a moment, fear rising inside of her as she tries to pull her hand away. But, when she sees the look of pain and fear in her girlfriend's eyes, she takes a deep breath and stands up, finally letting someone help her.
"You're right, Amity. I…I need help. Let's go." Luz replied.