Sirius grasps the sides of Remus' face as the kiss deepens, gasping as Remus thrusts his hips into his own. Remus lets out an involuntary half-moan into Sirius' mouth as he feels his hands get pinned against the wall behind him. It's not like anyone's around to hear their escapades in the Shrieking Shack in the middle of nowhere, so he doesn't hold back from whatever noises may overcome him while making out with Sirius.
Sirius has found that Remus, who's otherwise so indifferent and passive about everything, is an incredibly urgent kisser. Hands under his shirt, bringing their bodies closer without a second thought, he doesn't know why the hell he waited so long to approach Remus with the prospect of it at the start of this year. Fear of rejection, probably.
"Remus?" Sirius says, halfway to being strewn across the table, black hair in his face.
"Hm?" says Remus, reluctantly drawing his lips away.
"Why are you being such a fucking flirt?" he says with a grin, Remus' hands dipping beneath the back of his jeans.
"So I can't handle my boyfriend's arse now?" Remus says with a snort.
"You're handling a lot of things."
Remus presses a quick kiss on his lips. "I can handle less if you're not in the mood."
Sirius grabs his waist and drags him closer. "Of course I'm in the mood, I'm just saying we should shag somewhere a bit warmer if that's the direction you're heading."
"Eager," Remus mutters, then sobers to answer the question. "I wasn't heading in that direction, actually. Were you?"
"Uh, no, not particularly."
"Back to handling then," Remus says with a tiny smirk.
"God, yes," says Sirius, plunging into another messy kiss.
Severus likes peace and quiet. He doesn't like the rowdy competition in the Slytherin common room, or the whisperings of first years in the library, or the sound of footsteps passing by whichever empty classroom he locks himself in this time. The moment he ventures outside, it begins raining. He doesn't like the rain either, but he's not prepared to stay in Hogwarts a moment longer, so he continues walking until he reaches the Shrieking Shack, a place guaranteed to be quiet considering the only other people who go there are those idiot Marauders. He's positively drenched by the time he arrives, and assuming no one would be out here on a cold, wet February day, he enters without hesitation.
His jaw almost hits the floor when he swings the door open in his usual brisk manner. Wrapped in an explicit embrace in the middle of the room, arms tangled in each other's clothes, mouthes pressed together, is Black and Lupin currently snogging each other's faces off for lack of a better description.
They jump away at the sound of the door opening, and Remus' shock is no match for the way Sirius' eyes widen seeing Severus standing there, the very Severus he's been tormenting for as long as he can remember. It's not his fault he's such an easy target.
"Shit," Sirius spits to himself, brushing his hair out of his face and grabbing his wand to immediately cast a spell on the door to shut it as Severus stands inside, speechless. "What the bloody hell are you doing here?" he yells, waiting for the snide remark about their evident sexuality.
"Forgive me for taking a short walk," Severus says with the glimmer of a smile as the shock subsides.
"Remus, do something," he says desperately, staring at the boy he's been making out with for the good part of an hour.
If Severus wanted to undo the charm on the door, he could, but he just stands there, his eyes lighting up in silent glee. He's never seen Sirius like this, caught unaware and scrambling for words. It feels terrific to wipe that smirk off his smarmy face.
Remus wipes his mouth, concealing his alarm marginally better as he rearranges his robes to cover himself fully.
"Like what?" he says to an exasperated-looking Sirius.
"You two," Severus interrupts to say, crossing his arms with a smug smile. For once, he has the upper hand. "I always thought you seemed a bit too... affectionate."
"Shut it, Snivellus," Sirius snaps. He's surprised Severus doesn't have a more dramatic reaction- he doesn't even seem put off by walking in on two boys kissing. Maybe he's more tolerant about this kind of thing than he assumed. He spins to stare at Remus. "What the fuck do we do, Remus? Come on. Ideas."
"We could let him go," Remus says timidly.
Sirius gives him an incredulous look. "He's gonna run his mouth to the entire fucking school if we do that."
"You could always drown me in the river. I'd have a hard time running my mouth then," says Severus, not caring when Sirius gives him a particularly crude gesture.
"Go and get James. He'll know what to do," Sirius says, running a panicked hand through his hair. Out of all the bloody people that could've walked in, why the fuck did it have to be Snape?
Severus' lip curls at the mention of his name and Remus pauses before rushing out.
"We should make a deal," he suggests.
"A deal," Sirius says with raised eyebrows. "With Snivellus. You'd better be fucking joking."
"You can keep to your word, can't you, Snape?" Remus says hopefully, staring at Severus who looks far too pleased with himself.
"Depends what I get out of it," Severus says airily.
Sirius glares at Remus. "Yeah, what's he gonna get out of it?"
"We'll leave you alone," Remus says firmly. "Completely. Forever. No more pranks, no more jokes. Consider yourself ignored."
Severus considers this while Sirius gives Remus what the fuck? eyes.
"Fine," says Severus. His life might stop being a living nightmare and he's got the satisfaction that they know he knows their secret. "But Potter stops too."
"James, too," Remus nods.
"Ok. Deal."
Remus relaxes but Sirius keeps his eyes narrowed as he releases the door charm that Severus could've very easily undone himself.
"And how do we know you're going to keep your end of the deal?" he says with a sneer.
"You don't," says Severus. "But if you keep yours, I'll keep mine."
Sirius grunts in agreement then makes a show of pulling Remus closer and kissing him messily on the lips. "Staying to watch, Snivellus?"
Snape watches Remus start kissing with tongue and decides he's seen more than enough and hurriedly stumbles out.
Remus hears the door shut as he gets absorbed in kissing him, shrugging his outer robes off again.
"You little diplomat," Sirius murmurs into his ear. "I don't know why on earth you think he won't blab regardless of your deal. He's a Slytherin snake."
Remus smiles a little, tracing his finger down Sirius' chest. "He's gay as fuck himself," he says. "I doubt he'd out us to the school out of spite now I've created a lovely deal for him."
Sirius stops in his tracks. "Fuck off, no way is he gay. He's been drooling over Lily for God knows how long."
Remus raises his eyebrows. "Has he?"
Sirius blinks. "What?"
"You just assume that Lily is the one he's been drooling over," Remus drawls. "As the biggest homosexual I've had the pleasure of meeting, that's poor from you."
"Yeah, well who else would he have eyes for?" Sirius says, confused at what he's getting at. Then it clicks and his eyes almost pop of out his head. "James?" he shouts in incredulous exclamation.
Remus giggles at the look of pure horror on his face.
"Please fucking tell me you're joking," Sirius says. "Remus John Lupin, you fucking shit. You've been sitting on his piece of knowledge for how long exactly?"
Remus smiles modestly. "It's not like I'm holding a guarded secret; it's glaringly obvious as soon as you realise he's not straight. Which you should've, because look at him."
Sirius makes an explosive noise. "Well, what the fuck? Fuck the deal off, let's threaten him back. Say if he tells anyone about us, we'll tell everyone he's gay and he likes James."
Remus shakes his head, running his hands through Sirius' hair. "Leave it, or he might actually out us to the school out of spite."
He kisses Sirius again, and Sirius reluctantly leaves it.
One evening a few days later, Severus stares at the Gryffindor table from his own table over dinner. He catches the way Sirius and Remus stare at each other, laughing too loudly at the other's jokes, making any excuse for physical contact, and he thinks he must've been stupid not to have noticed it before.
For the first time in far too long, he is being left alone. For some reason, he half expected them not to keep their side of the deal Remus orchestrated, but they're being insufferable Gryffindors as usual and honouring their word. Even James is laying off, thank goodness, and the most he's getting are weird looks from Sirius and James. Not spiteful or jeering looks like before, just weird looks that he can't place. He ignores them and continues enjoying his new freedom.
"Oi. Snivellus."
After another peaceful day of not being bullied or teased in any capacity and being left alone just how he likes it, Severus spins around to the sound of his name being called as he makes his way up to the dorm. To his surprise and mild worry, he sees James standing there. He closes up on himself, blanking his expression to protect himself from whatever cutting remarks James is about to make. But James appears to be alone. There's no Sirius egging him on, or Remus trailing behind with that infuriating look of silent pity in his eyes.
"This wasn't the deal," Severus says flatly. "You agreed to leave me alone."
"Fuck off about the agreement," says James, eyeing Severus in a way that he's never seen before. "Just follow me."
It's frustrating because the only way Severus has kept his crush going with James is to separate his bully self from his non-bully self. He's fallen for the James he sees across the classroom, the James surrounded by his friends, not the James that likes to humiliate him at whatever chance he can get. Without James' usual edge or snide comments, he doesn't know how to act.
Severus doesn't move from the safety of the public corridor as James slips off into a side room. Whatever he's up to, he's not dragging himself into it. He's already annoyingly smitten by him, an utterly inconvenient and illogical notion considering how he treats him. But when he's ignoring him, all Severus notices is his choppy black hair, gorgeously dark skin, defined shoulders, body that's grown less lanky in the last few months, and his smile. Severus adores his smile.
Realising Severus isn't trailing behind him, James sticks his head into the corridor.
"Snape, are you coming or not?" James whispers furiously.
Severus can't remember James calling him Snape before. It's almost affectionate. The very thought makes his stomach twist. This can't be happening. He's built his emotional security around distance, and if James isn't giving him distance, he's no longer safe. Keeping that in mind, curiosity overrules him and he follows James into the abandoned classroom. With a flick of James' wand, the door slams behind him, and they're left alone in the room.
James crosses his arms and kicks his feet up onto a desk, tilting his chin at Severus in a confrontational way, but with a humour to his eyes that Severus has never seen directed at him.
"Are you into being degraded or something?" is the first thing James says.
Severus doesn't move from beside the door, standing awkwardly, unsure what to do with his hands.
"What?" he squeaks.
James smiles, actually smiles at him, although it's mocking rather than genuine.
"Do I turn you on?" he says, deciding he's going to milk this situation for everything it has. For effect, he lifts his jaw higher and lets out a bordering on pornographic exhale with his eyes closed.
Severus is convinced his ghostly complexion is now a deep shade of pink, that exhale stirring something in him, and he wills himself to stop. In no circumstances can he get a hard on with James eyeing him so intently.
"No," he says defensively. "What- why the hell are you asking me that?"
James pretends to admire his fingernails. "Remus is a very observant guy, believe it or not. He's observed a few things about... you."
Severus' mouth forms a pursed line. Lupin. Of course he noticed, then blabbed to Sirius and James about it. Never says anything bad to his face, but clearly does what he likes behind his back.
"I walked in on Black and Lupin in the Shrieking Shack," he says, hoping to dissuade James from wherever he's going with his train of questions.
James spreads out his hands. This doesn't seem like news to him. "Is that an issue for you, dear Severus?"
"What?"
"Two boys. Kissing. Snogging even," he says in a lower tone. "Or were they up to something else in that shed of theirs?"
Severus tries not to stutter over his words. He can't exactly say no, he's in no way bothered by it because he's a raging homosexual himself.
"Since when did my opinion matter to you?" he says, trying to subtly admire James' body without him noticing. He regrets swamping himself in a shapeless black robe to cover his uniform, black hair falling limply to his shoulders while James is positively glowing.
"So, am I going to get an answer or are you just going to gawk at me?" says James.
"Answer to what?"
"Do I turn you on?"
Severus stares at the floor. Fuck. Shit. No. This is not good. That piece of shit Lupin must've told everyone. Well, he'll tell everyone about him and Sirius. He's sure James is going to hex him, or laugh in his face, or that he's doing this to inflate his already considerably large ego. He gets a fright when James steps over to him and grabs his jaw, forcing his face up to look at him.
Severus thinks he might die on the spot. James, so close, staring into his eyes, his hand actually on his jaw. His legs were already unstable being in the same room alone with James speaking to him like he's a person, and now this.
"Tell me what you like about me and I'll consider kissing you," James says, voice barely above a whisper.
Severus doesn't think he's heard him right, just stands there blinking like an idiot, then he finds his voice. James just offered to kiss him.
"Your skin," Severus says faltering, having no choice but to look into James' deep brown eyes. "It's... clear. And you, uh, you look strong."
"Strong?" James says, his mouth twitching into a smile as he doesn't let go.
Severus hesitates, thinking he's being laughed at, that any moment now Black is about to appear and cackle at him, but James sees his concern written over his face and drops his smile.
"Go on. I have clear skin. I'm strong. There's got to be more with how you're practically creaming yourself over me."
Severus finds he doesn't have any snappy comebacks to this.
"How you laugh when Sirius says something funny," he says nervously. "You throw back your head and laugh manically and slap your knee then bend over until you calm down, then Sirius says something that sets you off again and you grab his arm and tell him to stop because your stomach hurts."
James raises his eyebrows. "Wow. You have been watching me." He moves his finger ever so slightly up Severus' jaw, a motion that makes Severus' stomach turns over. He can't take much more of this.
"James." It comes out as more of a plea than a command. James has never bothered being nice to him before, so why should he start now?
"You're so fucking desperate for me, Jesus Christ," James grins, not letting go of his jaw. Without warning, he grabs Severus' tie and pulls him in closer, their lips almost touching. James feels Severus' hitched breath on his lips, delighted he has him wrapped around his little finger.
Severus feels lightheaded at their proximity, but he's gotten too good at shutting himself out to lean forward and kiss James first. He's still not entirely sure this isn't a prank, but he's starting to think that he doesn't care.
It's James who kisses him first, it has to be, he leans forward and presses a deep kiss on Severus' lips. Severus doesn't believe it for a second, but when it sinks in, he moves his head forward, opening his mouth slightly to start making out with James. It's nothing like the kiss he walked in on Sirius and Remus doing; it's stiff and graceless and shallow, but it's a kiss nonetheless.
James holds his waist firmly with those strong hands of his, steadying him from getting too close. It doesn't really matter how he feels about Severus, all that matters is that he's a horny seventeen-year-old with a boy in front of him practically pleading to be used by him.
"Sit down," James says through breaths, pulling away from Severus for a second to see his cheeks have gone bright scarlet.
Severus doesn't have to be told twice. He sits on the floor and lets James sit on top of him, straddling his waist. Positioning himself to be in a more comfortable position for his legs, James accidentally rubs against a very sensitive spot, and Severus can tell it was accidental by the gasp that escapes James. He also realises, at this proximity it would be hard not to, that they're both very physically turned on by this situation.
"Fucks sake," James mutters as if it's an inconvenience that he's now in such a compromising position with Severus.
"What?" Severus manages to say, not sure if he's ever going to recover from that fact that James is straddling him.
James runs a pent-up hand through his hair.
"I was only supposed to be taking the piss, but you're so fucking eager, Jesus Christ. I didn't even believe Sirius when he told me Remus had this theory about you." James talks, to himself it seems, the rambling voice of a man whose opinion has always mattered. "And I come in here thinking I'm being set up, but I see you begging me to fuck you with your eyes and now I'm sitting on you and we're both bricked up." He laughs in amazement into the silent room. "Fucking mental."
Snape doesn't loosen his grip on James' waist, trying not to think about all the things he could do to him. He doesn't have the heart to tell him to stop messing around and get on with it or initiate anything himself. He's terrified of rejection, and at this point, he thinks if James is reminded of who he's actually sitting on, he'd be instantly rejected. So he stays quiet.
"What do you want me to do?" James says, leaning over Severus with a wild grin. Severus knows he's not asking because he cares about his opinion, but to hear how badly he wants him. James and his bloody ego. He doesn't know why his arrogance is so attractive, maybe because he has no self-esteem himself.
"Anything," Severus finds himself saying. It's true- he could not care less what James does to him as long as he's doing something.
"You have a hell of a lot of issues," James says with raised eyebrows. "I've been acting like I have been for years, and you still want me to fuck you. Are you messed up in the head? Did your dad never love you or something?"
Before Severus can go to his safe place and zone out of James' increasingly jarring words, James grinds down on him again. He'd not rather think about his relationship with his father, especially while in the act of something he'd undoubtedly be beaten for doing.
James doesn't look at Severus while he grinds down on him over and over. He's so highly strung, and he needs a release, so he doesn't need to be put off by being reminded of who he's doing it with. Panting heavily, reaching the edge by barely trying, just more and more pressure applied, James grabs Severus' robes tighter as he arches his back and finishes, the very action pushing Severus over the edge too.
James rolls off, thoroughly exhausted. He could do with a hot shower and lie down. Imagining the face of Sirius as he tells him how it went is what pulls him up.
Severus can't process what even happened yet, sitting there dazed. It's like a dream come true. And fuck, did it feel good. James' sweaty face leaning over him, panting with exertion, those arms clenched around his robes, the noise he made at the end.
"I'm off," says James, starting to walk out.
Severus gazes after him, endless questions filling his mind. "Wait."
James crosses his arms with the door held open. "What?"
Severus feels his confidence dissipate with his attention on him. "What's- are you-" he falters, not knowing how to ask the questions he so desperately needs the answers to.
James nods insincerely. "I love you, Snivellus, obviously." With that, he strides out.
Severus stares at the open door, lost for words. The bitter tone in his voice, the disingenuous nod. It was like he reverted to his normal self. Perhaps James doesn't like him after all.
Picking himself up, Severus feels a coldness consume him at James' final words. He wants whatever just happened to happen again so badly, but something about the whole thing felt... off. Like James was just doing it as an ego boost. James never even looked him in the eyes. Maybe he was pretending someone else was in his place. Maybe Severus is just as insignificant as he always has been.
Severus' suspicions are as good as confirmed over the next few days. James doesn't spare him a second glance, and although he's still hoping for something more to happen between them, there's no way he's going to make the first move, especially not when James is blanking him.
Then, one day while walking around the lake, he notices them at their favourite tree- Remus, Sirius, Lily, and most importantly, James. They're chatting, laughing, looking so normal and happy together. Safe in the knowledge he's not about to be cast upside down due to their ongoing agreement, he continues on his walk, close enough to get a good look at James. The sun is shining through his black hair, the slight shadow of facial hair growing darker by the day, and he's shirtless- why wouldn't he be with a body like that? His entire chest is on show, and Severus tries not to make it obvious what he's looking at, but his mouth goes dry imagining James, naked, straddling him like last time.
Severus is so focused on staring at James that he doesn't notice what's surrounding him, and before he knows it, he's watching James cup Lily's face and kiss her.
All the air gets knocked out of him in that moment alone, seeing James touch her with a tenderness he never did with him, stroking a gentle hand through her silky auburn hair. They pull away and laugh, looking so dreadfully happy and only deepening the hole in his heart. All his hopes, crushed.
Sirius sees him standing staring, and mutters something to the other three who all look over at him. James makes direct eye contact with Severus, and with a smirk, rubs his finger over his nipple and pretends to moan in an obscene way, mouthing 'jealous?' with a smirk.
Sirius throws back his head and cackles, Lily doesn't dignify him by staring, then there's Remus. Remus is staring at Severus looking as deflated as he feels. Severus doesn't need his pity. He turns on his heel and walks in the other direction. He doesn't need James either. He's fine all alone.
He stays in the Shrieking Shack with the door barred and his work for the weekend layed out on the table with no plan of moving for the rest of the day. He doesn't want to even look at James after that humiliation of a show. Their deal is technically still going, and it would probably be cruel to expose Sirius and Remus for James' actions, but what James has done is worse than any simple act of bullying. He played around with him, led him on with all those questions to feed into his own ego, let Severus believe there was a spark, then embarrassed him in front of all his friends. Or maybe he's just stupid and there was never a spark to begin with. He wanted to believe it, he wanted to believe it so badly.
A knock on the door brings Severus out of an increasingly depressing pool of thoughts about his self-worth and James.
"Snape?" he hears Remus' voice call. The last person he wants to speak to considering Remus was the one to tell James about his feelings in the first place.
"Fuck off, Lupin," Severus shouts back.
"Can I come in?"
"No."
Remus tries to peep through the crack in the door. "I just want to talk."
"I don't want to talk," comes Severus' stubborn response. "And certainly not with you."
Remus sighs and rests his forehead against the barred door that he could easily open with a flick of his wand, but that's not the point.
"Okay," he says, temporarily admitting defeat. "I, uh, I hope you're okay."
"In what world would I be okay?" he catches Severus say in a much smaller voice, before yelling again. "Just piss off, I don't need any of your shit right now. Find another place to shag your boyfriend."
Remus holds his tongue from saying that wasn't why he was here, and silently leaves. He'll try another day.
It feels like a taunt, a punch to his gut every time Severus sees James and Lily walking around holding hands and kissing like it's nothing. Maybe it's incredibly self-centred, but Severus feels like every time is directed to him. A 'this is what you could've had'. He didn't know what he did wrong apart from simply being Severus Snape. He was never going to have a chance with the handsome hunk of the most popular boy in the year, not in a million years. And he despises James for making him think that he did.
He doesn't even know if James is gay or not, because it felt like he was mocking Severus for that when he dragged his finger over his nipple. Look, the gay boy has a crush on me, the fucking perv. It doesn't make sense considering his apparently indifferent approach to Remus and Sirius' relationship, but he felt there was an element of that. And why would James want to hide away and kiss him when he could parade around with a girl and kiss her whenever he wanted?
To avoid it all, because it doesn't hurt less as the days pass, he shuts himself in the Shrieking Shack, removed from everyone and alone just how he likes it. He likes listening to the sound of the rain on the roof, the feeling of being holed away, safe from the outside world. That is until Remus comes knocking at the door again.
"What do you want?" Severus says sharply at the sound of Remus' voice outside the door.
"To talk," Remus replies.
Severus doesn't have the furious resistance in him last time, and although he's pretending he likes being alone, he does miss interacting with people. Remus isn't like the others, either, he's intelligent enough to have his own stance on things.
"Door's open," he says grudgingly.
Remus goes in to find Severus slumped in a chair at a table with heaps of unfinished work over the table.
"Hi," he says, taking the seat opposite him.
Severus doesn't think about entertaining him with cordiality for a second. While Remus has never participated in Sirius and James' cruelty, he's never tried to stop it either, which is almost just as bad.
"You're here to talk, so talk," he says curtly.
Remus isn't fazed by his tone, or if he is, he doesn't show it, running a hand through his curly hair.
"It was a dick move from James," he says simply. "On both accounts."
Severus glares at him, eyes full of burning accusation. "You were the one who pointed it out to him."
"I pointed it out to Sirius, actually," Remus says. "He was panicking that you'd tell everyone about us once you left here, so I told him you wouldn't out someone when you were gay yourself. It wasn't intentional, he kind of worked it out for himself, then he told James, naturally."
"How the hell did you know?" Severus mumbles.
Remus keeps the steadiness to his voice. "It was obvious, to me at least. You stare. A lot. Sirius and James would've noticed that if they ever paid you a shred of attention. And you never struck me as straight. James is conventionally attractive, it makes sense you liked him. Well." He pauses. "Apart from the whole bullying thing, but that doesn't exactly take away from his attractiveness. Not my type, but he's a good looking man, and he can turn on the charm when he wants."
Severus doesn't realise he's going to cry until the tears are already falling down his cheeks. He tries to roughly wipe them away, ducking his head to hide it from Remus, but everything gets on top of him at once and the tears don't stop. James, so conventionally attractive, oozing with charm, and then him. Of course he'd kiss him as a joke. That's all he was- a joke.
Remus is alarmed by the sudden show of emotion, and he's not sure what he said so wrong.
"You tell anyone about this and the whole school's gonna know about you and Sirius," Severus sniffs, wiping the last of the tears from his eyes and trying not to think about how he's crying in front of a Marauder.
Remus looks unimpressed when he looks up to meet his eye. "You don't have to threaten me, you know. I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm not like Sirius and James, I don't enjoy chipping away at someone's self-esteem." He sniffs. "It's childish at best."
"Well that's all right for you to say now you're alone with me," says Severus, the resentment in his voice apparent. "Your moral high ground has never actually been put into practice, has it? You just stand there and watch, looking at me like you're sorry but if you were really sorry, you would've told them to lay it off. You're full of bullshit."
Remus takes his comment at face value and doesn't blow back up in his face like he expected.
"I have tried," he says. "But they're uncontrollable the two of them put together. I've told them to tone it down, but they just call me a pussy or say I want to shag you or whatever and carry on like usual. I know it's not fair, but it's out of my hands."
Severus is surprised to hear that Remus has actually approached the issue with them before. It doesn't stop him from feeling bitter about the whole thing.
"Shouldn't Sirius be sucking off James instead of you if they get on so well together?" he grumbles with crossed arms. He doesn't dare to admit it, but he's missed talking to someone like this, being treated more than dirt on the bottom of someone's shoe.
Remus shrugs. "They're best friends. They talk themselves into all sorts of dumb shit. Luckily for me, I'm more than just a dumb friend to Sirius."
"But why Sirius?" Snape asks. "Out of all the hot boys-" He bites his tongue. Shit. "Uh, I mean. Out of everyone."
For the first time, Remus laughs, and it's nothing like James' laugh- it's light and genuine and makes Severus feel almost at ease.
"No, go on, do tell me about all the hot boys I could be with," he grins. "I'm sure you have an extensive range for me to pick from."
Severus understands that he's not teasing him maliciously and shakes his head.
"I didn't mean that. I just meant that you and Sirius are so different, surely there are other people you'd be better suited to."
"Opposites attract," Remus says as if that explains everything. "He's a bloody good kisser too. Great in bed.
Snape feels his face heat up. "I do not need to hear about that, thank you."
Remus smiles wildly. "I'll spare you the finer details."
Suddenly, the door to the shack bursts open and Sirius walks in and instantly sees Remus sitting at the table.
"There you are, I've been looking for you everywhere." His lip curls seeing Severus sitting opposite him. "What the fuck are you doing here with Snivellus?"
Seeing Severus close up on himself, and frustrated his reaching relaxed attitude has been destroyed, Remus clicks his tongue.
"I'm busy. Can it wait?"
Sirius stares at Severus sceptically who does a good job of looking at the floor to avoid his gaze.
"What's going on?" he says.
Remus glares at him. "I'm not shagging him, am I? We're talking." When Sirius doesn't move, his calmness Severus was enjoying fades. "I'm being serious, can you fuck off? I'll be up in the common room when I'm done."
"Oi, Snivellus," Sirius says in an attempt to get Severus' attention. "You know that's my boyfriend you're talking to? You'd better fucking watch yourself."
"Sirius," Remus says sharply. If he continues like this, all his progress with building some semblance of trust with Severus is going to be destroyed.
Sirius sees the look in his eyes and swings the door open with a stamp of his foot.
"Fine. Pity talk to your new best friend, see what I care." He slams the door on his way out.
Remus turns back to Severus, nervous about the damage that's been done, but instead of blank or sad, he looks vaguely guilty.
"Sorry," he mutters, feeling completely responsible for their argument.
"He'll be fine," Remus says to reassure him.
"He sounded mad."
Remus rolls his eyes. "That's Sirius for you, always the drama queen. If I'm lucky I'll get some charged making out later, so I wouldn't feel too sorry for me."
Severus pulls a face. "Again, a statement you could've easily not said."
Remus smiles, relieved Severus hasn't reverted to his reserved self.
"It'll be a lot easier to be nice to you if your boyfriend wasn't such a colossal arse," Severus says, bringing up his gaze to meet Remus'.
"That's half the fun of it," says Remus. He looks out the window to see the small figure of Sirius stomping back to school.
"Remus?"
Remus glances back to see Severus eyeing him intently. "Yeah?"
"Is James even gay?" he dares to ask, just one of the many questions that have been endlessly playing on his mind.
"I don't know, he's never said anything definitively," says Remus. "I think he just goes with the flow, likes who he likes."
"As long as that person isn't me," Severus says, playing with his hands, James' sarcastic voice running through his head. I love you, Snivellus, obviously.
"So, uh, what actually happened?" Remus asks tentatively. "James gave us a summary, but he was tipsy at the time and knowing him exaggerated everything." He sees Severus shifting his eyes around the room uncomfortably. "It's fine if you don't want to talk about it."
Severus takes a long breath in. "No, it's fine." He thinks he can trust Remus by now. He's always known he was different from the others, softer, less involved, and apparently kind too.
"I thought it was a prank," he says, recalling the evening with a hollow voice. "I thought it was one of his and Sirius' stupid jokes or something, but he kept going and I was an idiot for thinking he actually liked me. He, uh. He told me to say what I liked about him if I wanted him to kiss me."
Remus scoffs. "Conceited twat."
Severus is encouraged by this. "I went along with it, obviously, the guy I'd been staring at for ages actually flirting with me. He ended up kissing me. It was really good. I liked kissing him," he says in a smaller voice. "Then it escalated. He was on top of me." He touches his fingers together instead of saying it aloud.
Remus' eyebrows shoot up. "He fucked you?"
"No, no," Severus hurriedly says. "Well." He pauses to think about this, and how to possibly word it without embarrassing himself in front of Remus.
"You sucked him off?" Remus offers, holding none of the same inhibitions.
Severus shakes his head. "He just, like. He was on top of me. Clothes on. And he like." He pushes his hand into his other hand, hoping Remus will get the message.
"Oh," Remus says, a knowing glint to his eye.
"And we both, uh, yeah," Severus mutters, feeling heat creep up the back of his neck. "Reached a point."
Remus seems delighted by this, or maybe it's just Severus' shy way of explaining it.
"That piece of shit," he says in awe. "You bloody flirt, Severus. Look at you, getting it on with mister popular."
Severus awkwardly nods at his encouragement. "Well. He was only doing it as a joke, wasn't he, so it's not like it counted."
"No, he was fucking around with you, but there's no way he made you both cum 'as a joke'."
Severus is speechless at his wording, but Remus doesn't see a fault with it.
"Oh."
"Good for you," he says.
Severus gives a weak smile. "Doesn't feel very good for me. Feels like he shagged the ugly gay kid to get a laugh out of his friends."
Remus' bright expression fades into apologetic. "Look, I'm sorry about James," he says seriously. "He was a dick, and it was my fault because I told Sirius, then James wanted to see if you were down for it. And you were. James is a horny shit so he went with it. So I'm sorry about that. It wasn't nice."
Severus bites his lip at the apology. "You don't need to apologise for the actions they don't regret."
"And about being gay," Remus adds. "He doesn't have a problem with that. Well. He told Peter to fuck off when he was being weird about me and Sirius, so I assume he's fine with it."
"Easy for him," Severus sniffs. "'Going with the flow' and ending up in a perfectly acceptable straight relationship and shagging the gay boy who's head over heels for him on the side."
Remus regards him sadly, then stands up, gesturing for Severus to do the same which he hesitantly does.
"Hug?" says Remus, opening his arms.
Snape stares at him. "What?"
"Hug," he repeats. "You sound like you could do with a hug."
Instead of embracing the emotions rising in his chest, Severus pushes them down. "I don't do hugs."
"You mean no one gives you them," Remus points out. He slowly steps forward and puts his arms around his shoulders, expecting him to pull away, but Severus just stands there.
"It doesn't seem like anyone's ever told you this, but it's fine to be gay," says Remus, clutching him tightly. "If you don't think anyone supports you for that, then you're wrong, because I do. It's not weird and you're still the same person regardless of who you like."
Severus tries extremely hard not to start crying again. No one has ever told him that, mainly because he's never told anyone he's gay. He's never had anyone to tell.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" he mutters with Remus' warm arms wrapped around him. He dares to rest his head on Remus' shoulder. He can't remember the last time he was hugged.
"Why shouldn't I be?" Remus replies and Severus thinks it's crazy that his kindness has no explanation. It's kindness for the sake of it.
"This is gay," Severus says when Remus doesn't pull away a moment later. He doesn't admit it, but he likes the hug. He likes feeling like someone cares about him.
"Actually, we cancel each other out," Remus says, reappearing from the hug.
Severus raises eyebrows in question.
"We're both gay so it's not gay," he explains. "We cancel the gay out."
"Oh." He dredges up the semblance of a smile. "That's all right then."
Remus gives him a cheerful smile at being received so well. "I'd better be off before Sirius comes back and hexes us both. See you around, Severus."
Severus raises his hand in a small wave as his breath catches in his throat. It shouldn't be a big deal, but no one calls him Severus these days. No one except Remus. Maybe he's finally got himself a friend.
"Bye," he says, watching him leave the shack and head back to school.
Severus stares out of the window of the Shrieking Shack. For once, the endless drizzle and grey clouds have given way to some blue sky and a few rays of sun every now and then. It's been three weeks since his involvement with James, and he's been trying to put it behind him. The only thing that's making it exceedingly difficult is seeing him and Lily being so openly affectionate, but he supposes he'll get used to it. His damaged ego will have to find a way to build itself up again.
There's a knock on the door, and Remus enters with a mug of tea in one hand and a book in the other.
"Hello," he says, sitting down at the table.
"What are you doing here?" Severus asks, though he suspends his bitter tone for Remus, remembering their hug and his kind words last time they were here.
"I thought you could do with the company," he replies. He takes a sip of his tea. "Don't worry, I won't distract you."
Severus continues reading through his notes, trying to cobble together a revised version of an outdated spell, while Remus reads his book. Comfortable silence stretches in the shack, and Severus thinks that yes, he could do with the company.
Pleased with himself for coming up with something likely to work although he'll have to test it later, Severus glances up at Remus who's been happily reading his book with no interruptions. He thinks that Remus is like him in the sense that he likes to lock himself somewhere quiet and get on with something rather than incessantly socialise.
"Did you get your anger make out with Sirius?" he says, wincing at the very idea.
Remus glances up, amused. "I did actually. It was more than making out though. He always wants to fuck his anger into me when he's like that." He smiles contentedly. "It was great."
Severus doesn't look as enthusiastic. "I regret asking."
Remus laughs, that gloriously genuine sound, and continues reading his book. He has this habit of scratching at the scars on his face when he thinks no one's looking and shaking his head to get his hair out of his face instead of moving it with his hand. Severus doesn't know what it is about sitting with someone in silence, but it's much nicer than sitting alone.
"Remus?" he says eventually.
"Hm?"
"Are we friends?" He bites his tongue when Remus looks up in surprise, the question coming out much more childish than he anticipated, but Remus doesn't seem bothered.
"Do you want to be?" he says.
Severus stops himself from immediately jumping the gun with yes and thinks about the consequences for once.
"Won't it make things kind of complicated with Sirius and James?" he says.
Thankfully, Remus doesn't look worried at this prospect and keeps his mild expression.
"I don't see why it should," he says. "The agreement is ongoing so they should be leaving you alone. And it's not like I'm going to be throwing my arms around you in the middle of the Great Hall. We're both discreet people when we want to be."
Severus nods in agreement.
"So?" Remus prompts.
"So what?"
"Are we friends?"
Severus doesn't second guess himself any longer. "Yes, we are."
"Great," Remus says brightly.
The pair continue doing whatever they're doing in relaxed silence for the rest of the afternoon, chatting every so often but mainly just enjoying the other's company. The sun continues shining, and for the first time in countless awful months, Severus feels slightly less alone.