Chapter Three
Finally I made it to Bay Ridge and saw the welcome sign even through the heavy snow. I could instantly smell the salty air as I rolled down the window. It had been a long time. I had to smell it, but the snow was getting in and all over me so I rolled it back up.
Turning onto the main road, I saw the hospital leering in front of me.
Dread. I felt it as I got closer. The town was asleep as it usually was this early in the morning. The sun was just coming up over the roofs of the buildings and houses.
It was a small town. There were only three traffic lights, but it was growing. I could see that as I drove through. There was a coffee shop that hadn't been there before and a new sandwich shop. As I turned the corner to the hospital, I saw new construction going in. They had levelled out quite a bit of forest to build God-only-knows-what. The sign read: LM Builders, bringing you brighter tomorrows.
"Ugh," I moaned. The last thing the town needed was a strip mall. Sure, the little kids here would enjoy a new movie theatre and bowling alley, but would they really like a new mall?
Just by thinking that made me a traitor. I had packed up and moved away as soon as I graduated, and my new life was surrounded by buildings and malls. I had left this small town behind, and now I wasn't in the position to say what was right or wrong. I was an outsider now.
I pulled into the hospital parking lot and parked the van. Stretching my legs felt so good as I walked into the main entrance. I felt fine until I saw Rose coming to meet me. As soon as I saw her face, I lost it, falling into her arms and crying. She cried too as she held me tightly. I didn't know how much I missed my friend until that moment. We talked frequently, but I didn't realize she would look so damn grown up.
"I'm so sorry if I sounded insincere earlier. I just …" she sobbed softly. "I just didn't want you to think the impossible." She pulled away from me and looked me in the eyes. "She's dying, Jennie. We've removed a lot of the tubes, to make her comfortable."
I nodded and didn't say a word because what could I say? There were no words that would save Gram, and I had come here hoping beyond hope that Gram would pull through.
I followed her to ICU and wiped my tears with the back of my hand. The hospital was quiet, save for a few beeps and nurses talking.
Rose opened the door to the ICU and in we went. My hands were betraying me as they shook nervously. There lay Gram on the first bed to my right.
I wasn't prepared to see Gram's frail body spread out on the tiny hospital bed. Her once black and gray hair was now as white as snow. Her strong face was slack and pale. Her once firm hands were covered with tubes and looked gray. Her color was all wrong. She was bright and lively the last time I saw her; now she was faded.
She looked dead already, and a chill went through me at seeing her like this. When my parents died in the car accident, I never had to see them like this. My last thoughts of them were vibrant and alive. Now my last moments with Gram would not be. Would I always think of this moment when I thought of her?
I rushed to her side and held her hand gently, afraid she would break. I rubbed her hand tenderly, and for the first time ever I was wracked with the guilt of leaving her here alone. When I left a year ago, I didn't look back. I was so selfish. How could I leave her here? She had no one to take care of her, and when she needed me most, I was shopping for underwear.
I hated myself in that moment, and it showed on my face because Rose grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "Now you knock that shit off right now, Jennie. She wasn't alone. She has the whole town here supporting her."
"But, I left her. She was there when I was alone and parentless, and I left her. When she needed me, I was out in California being a pretentious little shit."
Rose shook her head and laughed.
"You went away to school. I did too; I left. I was gone way longer than you were."
It wasn't the same, and she knew it. She went to school one state away and was home on weekends with her family. Rose was older than I was and of course had her career before me. When she went to college, I knew I wanted to go too. I always wanted to teach abroad and had a plan by my sophomore year. So when I graduated, I packed up my car and left this small town behind, and Gram too.
A nurse came In and interrupted our talk, but I didn't mind. She whispered a few things to Rose, and her eyes grew wide.
"When did this happen?" Rose asked suddenly.
"When you were downstairs on break," the nurse said hesitant.
Rose came to Gram's bedside and checked her vitals and quickly flashed a light in her eyes. My heart was pounding as she did so. I was terrified at what this was all about.
"What is it?" I asked frantically.
"She said while I was downstairs, Mavis woke up and called out for you. She must be coming out of the coma." Now my heart was really pounding. Could Gram possibly be getting better? Or was it a fluke. I had read once that when the body is dying the brain did strange things.
"Talk to her, Jennie. She will hear you. She's not brain dead; she's just not strong enough to fight anymore," Rose instructed me.
I leaned in and sat next to her body. It felt cold, so I pulled the blanket up higher. I ran my hands over her hair and said, "I'm here, Gram. I came all the way home. I won't leave you again." I cried and the tears slipped onto her. "I'm so sorry for leaving. I never intended to leave you alone. I only wanted to go to school." I paused, waiting for her to wake up and reply to me. I shot a glance at Rose, and she ushered me to go on.
"I was driving here, and I was thinking about all the times we spent together in the library and how special you have made my life here. I can't lose you, Gram. I'm not ready." The sobs took over, and I bent down to cry. If I never got to hear her voice again, I would never forgive myself.
I felt her hand reach up and run through my hair. Looking up, I saw her dark brown eyes stare at mine. I smiled lightly.
She returned the smile and said, "Don't you ever say foolish things, child. You've been my delight for all of these years. I'm so proud of you." She stopped and coughed a horrible liquid sounding cough. Her eyes didn't hold their usual light. She looked exhausted.
"She may have fluid in her lungs," Rose said as she rushed to Gram's side to do God-knows-what.
"No!" Gram said, hoarsely. "Enough. I'm ready to die." She coughed again and seeing her like this was tearing me apart. "I don't want to be in anymore pain. Just let me go."
I looked at Rose and had no idea what to do. She was obviously hurting with each cough.
"I can give you something for the pain, but Mavis, if you don't let me clear that fluid, you'll …"
"I'll drown and die like my husband. So leave me be. I've signed my papers." Gram had signed her DNR papers, but that didn't mean Rose had to stand by and not treat her symptoms.
"Gram, Rose has a duty to treat your symptoms while you're here. She can't let you drown in your own fluid. What if you can make it out of this and go home?" I was always hopeful.
Gram's eyes fluttered and Rose went to work. I stepped back and fell into the nurse's arms as she ushered me out of the room so they could work. I couldn't help but wonder if I would get a proper chance to say goodbye.
I woke up an hour or so later and blinked my eyes to find I was still in the waiting room, alone. Rose hadn't come out to talk to me yet. I pulled myself upright and dug for my phone. There were no missed calls, so I shut it back down and threw it in my bag.
The sun was all the way up In the sky, and I stretched. I needed to see what was going on with Gram, but there was no one to talk to. I found a coffee machine and made myself a cup with extra sugar and no cream, because there wasn't any. I braved the coffee and was surprised that it was good.
"There you are, Sleeping Beauty," Rose said as she walked into the room. "I figured since we got your Gram settled and rested, I'd let you sleep."
I put the coffee down and ran my hands over my messy head. "Can I see her?"
Rose nodded and took me down the hall. I wondered then if she ever slept.
"When do you go home?" I asked her.
She laughed. "That's a funny joke. Home, what's that?"
I stopped her in the hall. "Wait, are you telling me you don't go home? Come on."
"I do. I just haven't been there in two days. Not since Mavis came in. I'm one of three doctors in this hospital and the only one who specializes with the care she needs. I'm the only one you'd want to take care of her, right?" I nodded. "So that's why I stay: for you."
I wrapped her in my arms and thanked her for staying. "Is Gram stable?"
She nodded. "For now. We've moved her from ICU to her own room. She is comfortable. She asked that I give her something for the pain, but she is awake. The pulmonary edema has subsided for now, but with her weak heart it will either come back or her heart will give out."
I bit my lip and wondered out loud, "How long does that give her?"
"It's hard to say, maybe two days or maybe a week. I know that she won't make it home, Jennie. But that's what she's been asking for, to die in her bed. I just can't release her to go home. Without the proper comforts, she would be in a lot of pain. Even a woman as tough as her, she wouldn't be able to die at home."
I understood what she meant, Gram would be in so much pain and we'd end up back here anyway. I followed her to a nice quiet room where Gram lay. She actually had a bit more color in her cheeks, but nothing like the Gram I knew. I sat with her as she slept until it got dark. Finally when I couldn't sit there any longer or read anymore magazines, I left the hospital to go home and shower. I had been in the hospital for almost twenty-four hours.
Rose had gone home to sleep, and the hospital staff knew I was only down the road and to call me if Gram woke up. They gave me a bag of Gram's belongings as I left the hospital.
I drove the small trek to the library. I didn't expect to feel what I did when I pulled into the lot. All of the feelings of home came back to me. The times I would run around the library like it was my playground, the summers spent on the beach across the street, and Gram's face while I made snowmen in the parking lot.
The old building was a faded robin's egg blue that needed to be re-painted from the many storms that hit our coast. But it was built sturdy and strong just like Gram.
I put my key in the lock and pushed the door in. Snow had built up on the steps, and I shoveled it away and poured salt on it so I didn't slip coming out in a rush to go back to the hospital. A pile of mail sat at the hardwood floor when I walked into the entrance. I pulled them from the floor and set them aside for another time. I looked around the library for a moment. It sat to the left when you entered the door and had its own entrance. To the right was a separate door that led up a few stairs to Gram's house. The library was quiet as I opened the other door. I shut it and walked up the creaky steps. It was a miracle she never fell down and broke a hip on the damned stairs.
The house was clean as usual and still smelled of lemon. The white walls were filled with pictures of me from my childhood. I passed them by without a second glance.
The kitchen needed a few groceries and a good mopping. Something had spilled on the floor, maybe milk, and was now sticky. I didn't want to think how the spill happened, but I was sure it happened when she called Rose.
I went to my old bedroom, and it felt so very strange to be home. I set my bag down and Gram's next to it. Digging out my pajamas, I went to my bathroom to clean up. Once inside I took a good long look at myself.
I looked like shit. My hair was frizzy and pulled up in the worst ponytail possible. I had always loved the color of my hair. Oh, how easy ponytails and showers would be. Not to mention the money I would save on product. My make-up was smeared under my eyes like I had stayed out partying all night.
I started the shower and let the heated mist surround me as I cleaned away the sadness and the stress.
When I emerged, I checked my phone; no missed calls. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. I needed to nap and to get my butt back to see Gram. But as I put on my sweatpants and T-shirt, it was the library that called to me. I listened to the call and walked down the stairs and into my Gram's library. I turned on the lights and a heavy feeling came over me. What would happen to this place when Gram died? I wasn't sure, but one thing I did know was that I was not the person for the job.