Disclaimer: No, I don't own Bleach.
I've never had to ask for anything before.
Because I was a captain, a Shihouin, the Shunshin, but most of all, because I'm Yoruichi. I didn't ask, I took. There was no one would deny me, and no one who could. But now I find myself staring at the woman across the table, my ears straining for a response, a confirmation, my eyes scanning her face for the faintest smile or blush, and for the first time in my life, I feel weak, and I have no one to blame but myself.
I laughed when Ichigo and Renji bent their knees waiting for the single word that would break them. Only a fool would tie themselves down, make their happiness dependent on another. I would never propose, but I guess a confession isn't that much different; only, I never expected her to be so quiet. I never expected her to reject me.
Soi Fon lowers her tea, setting it down on the table and rising in one motion. I admire the way she stands, tall, not so much in height or even pride, but still I'm reminded just how much she's grown. She turns on her heel, walks out towards the veranda, and stares out at the garden. The moon is out tonight. It's almost glaring, cutting her out in a harsh profile of white light.
"Do you remember when we pledged ourselves to each other?"
It's not a question. She doesn't really care if I do, and it doesn't matter that I've had over a hundred years to reflect on all the promises I couldn't keep to protect the one I could.
"I promised that I would always protect you, that I would always be by your side, your shadow."
She breathes, shoulders drooping even more.
"Yes, I failed that promise, but in too many other ways, I've kept it, Yoruichi. You were right. Your shoes were too big for me to fill."
Is she waiting for me to say something?
"As a captain, the leader of the Stealth Corp, even my techniques, I'm just a pale reflection of who you used to be."
I open my mouth-
"I've… I've spent a century trying to catch up, and yet I'm still always in your shadow. When people look at the division two captain they see Yoruichi Shihouin's lieutenant, when I practice my Shunko it's just the thunder to your lightning. The woman named Soi Fon only exists because the sun that is Yoruichi Shihouin is bright enough to cast a shadow shaped like that miserable soul reaper."
"Soi Fon!" I grab her wrist, not even realizing I've stood.
She turns to face me, and she's crying. It's not like the time under Soukyoku Hill. Her face isn't contorted. She isn't screaming, crying out that terrible word, why?
No, it's worse. She is perfectly calm, as if tears weren't leaking out of her, as if everything she's just said wasn't the speech she's been honing for a century but instead some reconnaissance information or a set of dishes being laid out for guests. To her, these are facts.
"Soi Fon, I…" I don't want to see you like this. This is not a new feeling, but it's not a leash I've had to chafe at much either. Guilt isn't something I've found a use for because it's a weight you chose to wear, and why bother with it when you could be free instead? "I'm sorry."
Her eyes are still lucid, scanning my face while hers is stone cold. Maybe she's grown in ways I could never imagine too. What happened to my little bee who wore her heart on her sleeve? And even though I know what the words of her reply will be, the fact that I can't tell what she's thinking anymore makes the knowledge even more disorienting.
"You're about a century too late, Yoruichi." She lifts her wrist with my hand still clamped around it, and gently removes my fingers. It's not an unkind movement. "You knew exactly how what I would have done for you when you left, and you knew exactly how I would feel after you did."
She hands me back my arm. I snatch at hers again.
"I know! I know I hurt you, Soi Fon! So please-"
This is Yoruichi Shihouin begging. This is a princess on her knees pleading. "Let me stay by you this time!"
She kneels down to my level and stares at me, deciding. I wonder what my face looks like? Surely, nothing pretty. Golden eyes murky with panic, cheeks drawn taut, hair disheveled. But even wild as I must look, she doesn't look down at me. She's never done anything but treat me with respect, even under Soukyoku Hill, even when I ambushed her and threw her off the cliff. She let me show off against the Stealth Corp, she even tried to finish things with her incomplete Shunko, her pride, a proper send-off.
That's why I know how she feels about us. There's no one I'd rather trust my life too, not after what Urahara has put me through. There's no one who loves me, no, who cares for me as much as her. And maybe it's taken me this long to realize it, but I know she wants this, more than I want this. So why?-
"It's always about you, isn't it Yoruichi?" She folds her legs under herself, sitting formally. "You've never let me had the chance to be… anyone," she ends lamely.
For a moment, my temper flares. What does she mean I've never given her the chance? She had 110 years without me! And even then, it's not my responsibility to make sure she puts herself out there.
Then she opens her mouth.
"It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault but my own, I guess. Before you left, I trained day and night to be stronger for you, and after you left, I trained day and night to be stronger than you. It's always been about you." She closes her eyes, finally quelling the tears. "But what else could I do? The Fon family is bound to the Shihouin's. It's our purpose to serve, and after- after, all anyone could spare for me was pity and comparisons. You never told anyone to do it, but when someone shines as brightly as you, how could they not? I've had more than a lifetime's worth of you, Yoruichi, even without you in it, and I think, I think I want a life for myself now."
She really has grown up. She's not the adoring girl from a century ago, she's someone I can look at equally, no, someone who will look at me that way, not just as a captain, but as a woman who wants to be free.
Free of me.
The thought drops into my stomach, an oily, suffocating weight.
"It's not your fault, Yoruichi, but you're the sun, and a shadow that gets too close is going to burn up. If you came back to me, I'd disappear. I've had 110 years to build 'Soi Fon' on nothing, nothing but the fact that you weren't here anymore. How could I still be me if you came back into my life like that?"
Then throw it away, I want to scream. Throw it away! I'll throw everything away too. It's all nonsense. Who cares about Soul Society? Who cares about the human world or Hueco Mundo or Hell? How can I ask her do that? How can I ask her to do that again?
The silence between us stretches, but it never thins. I'm suffocating in it, waiting for something to snap, but nothing changes.
"Maybe Shaolin Fong could have said yes. Maybe if you had stayed or seen me become a captain or any number of a hundred thousand things, I could have said yes. Maybe then I wouldn't be so stuck up on you. Maybe then I could have learned to see you as someone who cared about me instead of an untouchable star. But Shaolin Fong died for Soi Fon and you left and that's… all there is to it."
For the first time, I hear pain in her voice.
"And I'm not nearly as strong as you, not nearly strong enough to go back to the way things were."
You're wrong. You're stronger than me, Soi Fon. Maybe that's not true. Her flash step isn't as quick and her Shunko not as powerful, but… She's kept going forward for all these years. Gone forward without me, and this time, I'm looking at her from far away instead of the other way around.
"We could try?" I hate the way my voice sounds. It's thin, but I can't not say it.
"Would you be able to promise me, Yoruichi?" She opens her eyes, searching my face again.
Even I'm not that cruel, Soi Fon. You know I can't say that. I can't trust myself to say it.
"Then I can't." She sighs and stands up. "Don't worry, by the time the sun rises, this conversation will have never happened. Shadows always flee at dawn."
But I don't want dawn to come. I want to stay here with you.
A/N: Aaaa, so yeah, Bleach is getting its final arc animated right now and I have perpetual YoruSoi brainrot. They're very cute and you guys know I'm a sucker for angsty, problematic relationships, only this time, I guess I didn't write any kind of happy ending. It's weird… I definitely want to write a fluffier one-shot for these guys, but not a chapter two or sequel. For once, I just wanted to write a scene where things didn't work out. I guess, I wanted a little justice for Soi Fon.
Writing this out has just been really wonky to be honest. It's awkward getting back into the author's seat again, and more than that, I never thought I'd be writing from Yoruichi's perspective. She just… never seemed like the one who'd be broken up over the relationship and… I've actually gone through something similar to Soi Fon's situation, so I thought I'd slot into her PoV better. It just happened this time I wanted to see things from a different perspective because for all Yoruichi's aloofness, it's Soi Fon who's changed (both from her backstory and just across Bleach in general). I wanted to explore Yoruichi coming back and discovering everything she's missed and subjected Soi Fon to, and while that necessarily comes through second-hand, I strangely feel for a Yoruichi who realizes that she's missed her chance, who's taken too long to realize how much Soi Fon actually means to her.
It's not a happy story, or scene, but it felt good to write down. There's something in the way that people just change, and despite what Soi Fon says or how Yoruichi feels, it's not really anyone's fault. It's just… an unfortunate circumstance. I'm not sure how much of what I feel and what I wanted to say came across (Hey, show don't tell but it's been a while since I've done either and I don't have another reader anymore so…) but I hope some of you out there enjoyed it!
Next time, I promise cuter, less heart-breaking stuff!