Saoirse wasn't listening to Mary properly. She could see the woman's mouth moving ten to the dozen as per usual but she couldn't hear a word of what she was saying. She had finished work and as Joe was doing some overtime, she decided to take up Mary's offer of dinner. It had been a couple of weeks since they had seen each other and although Saoirse wanted nothing more than to wallow in her miserable thoughts at home, she forced herself to visit her friend instead.
" Saoirse, are you listening to me?"
" Of course," Saoirse murmured.
" Is that right?" Mary looked at her pointedly. "Cos I just told you that the baby turned into a bat last night and flew around the streets until the early hours of this morning and you never even batted an eyelid– excuse the pun– so I know you're not listening to a word I'm saying."
" I'm sorry," Saoirse sighed. "I've just got a lot on my mind; you know what with looking for a new job and all."
" I still don't understand why you're quitting the job you've got now," Mary commented, wiping up her eldest son's nose with a tea towel before sending him off to play with his brother in the living room. "I thought you were enjoying it?"
" I am," Saoirse answered. "Well, I was."
" So, what happened then?"
Saoirse chewed the inside of her cheek. She had been stewing over her feelings all by herself for weeks and the desire to tell someone was overwhelming, but a small part of her didn't know if she could or should trust Mary. What if she accidentally told her mother and then before she knew the whole of Birmingham knew? What if Joe found out?
" Listen, whatever is on your mind I promise it won't go any further than these four walls. I know I look like me mum but I'm not a proper gobby cow like she is," Mary smirked as if reading Saoirse's mind. "I know we've only been friends a few months but I care about you, Saoirse and friends don't tell each other's secrets."
Just like that the dam inside Saoirse broke and she couldn't keep it all to herself any longer. She told Mary everything that had transpired over the past few weeks; Joe, his anger problems, Tommy, their kiss. She left no stone unturned and when she found herself crying like a baby, Mary used the same tea towel she had wiped her son's face with to wipe Saoirse's face too. Saoirse thought she would have felt like a weight had been lifted from her, and she supposed in some ways it did, but the truth was that she still had no clue how to deal with everything.
" Oh Saoirse, I had no idea," Mary took her hand comfortingly. "Look, I know it's not my place to give my opinion nor to tell you what to do but when a man lays a hand on you once, it's rare that he doesn't do it again. Pete's Dad was a right bastard and used to hit his mum, and he remembers his Grandad sent him packing when Pete was only a few years old. Then his Mum met Pete's step-dad, the man he thought of as his real dad, and for the forty odd years they were married until he died, Pete's mum was never happier. I can't believe I would ever say this, but it sounds to me like Tommy Shelby has got feelings for you, and in the whole time I've known him he's never even had one serious girlfriend. The fact that he's trying to defend you from Joe while not just going for him all guns blazing tells me that his feelings for you are genuine."
That's what Saoirse was afraid of. She wished that Tommy's feelings for her were superficial but whenever she thought back to the panicked look upon his face when he had been convinced Joe had hurt Saoirse again, it was so intense and primal that it couldn't be forced or a pretence. But she loved her fiancé, not the man who in a few weeks would be nothing but a memory; someone she might pass in the street at most. So why did she not believe what she was saying.
" I can see this is really eating you up," Mary sympathised. "I wish I had the magic answer for you but I don't. All I can say is just to think about what or who you really want. Don't just settle for second best because you think it's what you want or what you deserve. Life is too short for regrets and what ifs."
Mary was right, life really was too short and Saoirse knew that better than most. That still didn't help her with her decision though. No one and nothing could help her.
" Mummy, how did you know that you loved Daddy?" Saoirse asked, lying in bed beside her mother.
They always slept together on the nights Saoirse's father worked and Saoirse always liked the feeling of her mother playing with her auburn hair while they talked each other to sleep. Her father would come home in the early hours of the morning and despite his initial grumbling about his bed being too full, he would climb inside and wrap his arms around them both and fall asleep himself.
" I just knew," her mother replied, a wistful look upon her face.
Saoirse truly thought her mother to be the most beautiful woman in the world. Her skin was pale and soft and she had the same freckles on her nose that Saoirse did. She would tell Saoirse that when she was growing in her tummy, she would pray to God to give her baby freckles on its tiny little nose so she could kiss them, and then she would kiss Saoirse's nose and tickle her until she squealed.
" But how?" Saoirse didn't understand. "Because I love Ben Moffat in my class but I don't think I want to marry him."
" You're too young to be worrying about getting married, my little poppet," her mother chuckled, pressing a kiss to Saoirse's head tenderly. "But if you're insistent upon knowing then I suppose that the only way I can explain it to you is that it's all consuming. I knew your Daddy was the man I wanted to be with forever and the man I was in love with because my heart used to beat excitedly and my tummy would get butterflies."
" Like when I get excited for Christmas and I can't sleep?" Saoirse squinted up at her.
" Exactly that feeling, sweetheart, yes. But it's more than that. You want to be with them all of the time and when you're not with them you feel as though a piece of you is missing, and you only feel calm and complete when they're with you."
" But when Daddy is home on the weekends, you tell him off for leaving his dirty clothes on the floor or for making too much mess," Saoirse frowned. "That doesn't sound like you want to be with him all of the time."
" That's true," her mother agreed. "However, that's because we've been married lots of years, poppet. Married couples bicker and argue sometimes. But that doesn't mean that the second he leaves for work I don't miss him or that when he comes back home again my tummy gets butterflies because I'm excited to see him. One day you'll understand my love."
Saoirse squeezed her eyes shut as tears dribbled out of them. She was so confused and now more than ever she wished her mother was here, because she would know what to say and what to do. The problem was that deep down Saoirse knew as well. She knew that she had fallen in love with another man and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop thinking about him and the future they could have together. But on the other hand, there was Joe, who despite the few incidents they had had, he was a good man. He was loyal and supportive and looked after her. So why did the thought of his imminent arrival from work do nothing for her? Not a single feeling other than a niggle of doubt at the back of her head that despite his perfect behaviour over the past weeks, tonight might be different. Tonight might be the night his anger got the better of him again. Guilt ate at her for doubting the man who had shown her the happiest six months of her life before moving to Birmingham.
The door opened and Saoirse felt herself stiffen subconsciously, waiting for Joe to appear, praying with all of her might that he would be in a good mood. She let out a soundless sigh and her shoulders relaxed when he smiled. Saoirse stood and made a move to embrace him, convincing herself that she loved him and he was the man she wanted for the rest of her life.
" Don't come too close, love, I stink," he held her at arm's length. "Let me just go and wash all this crap off of me and then we'll have a proper cuddle, aye?"
Trudging down the hallway, Joe tore off his clothes hurriedly lest Saoirse smell the perfume upon him. The last thing he needed was her running off to that fucking Shelby bastard, crying into his arms and letting the man interfere in their business. The sooner she left that job, the sooner he could carry on doing whatever he wanted. He loved Saoirse, he loved her with his whole heart, but he needed more than she could give him sometimes. She was too sweet and even though she was easily persuaded to do whatever he wanted, there were some things that he knew Saoirse would balk at; things he needed and wanted to do to release the tension that a normal fight and fuck just didn't do. Saoirse wouldn't understand which was why it was best she didn't know, and if she was to find out it would be much better when he could guarantee she had no one else to run off to.