"Oh, that's healing nicely," the doctor nodded approvingly once he had removed the final stitch from Saoirse's face. " No weeping, no signs of infection. Yes, that ' s looking lovely indeed. "
"Yeah, lovely," Saoirse gritted her teeth and muttered sarcastically.
"Forgive my poor choice in words," the doctor looked up apologetically. " I just meant that- "
"-I know what you meant," Saoirse interrupted abruptly. " Are you done now? "
"Uh yes," the doctor quickly recovered from her rude behaviour. " l'll be back to check on you in a day or two. In the meantime, it would do you and that wound some good to get out in a little fresh air if you can."
"What's the point?" Saoirse ' s eyes flicked up angrily at him. " The coming back, I mean. What do you need to come back for? No amount of prodding and poking at this ," she pointed to her face, "Is going to make it disappear, is it? Save yourself the time and effort, and don't bother coming back because there's really no need."
The doctor's eyes flickered nervously towards Polly who tried to convey her apologies with her own facial expression.
"What are you looking at her for?" Saoirse demanded. "I'm the patient not her, and if I don ' t want you to come back then that's my choice, no? "
"Of course," the doctor nodded with an attempt at a smile upon his weathered face. "If you change your mind, you know you can always call for me, don't you?"
Saoirse did nothing but stare at the wall behind his head.
"l'll see myself out," he mumbled.
"You can go too, Polly," Saoirse muttered once the doctor had closed the door behind him.
Polly let out something akin to a laugh, but it wasn't laced with even the slightest tinge of humour.
"You might think it's alright to boss the doctor around, but you won't boss me around," she said. " And not in my own bloody house. "
"Well, I want to be alone," Saoirse folded her arms stubbornly. " And besides, this is Tommy's house, not yours. "
"And I want all the tea in China, but we can't all get everything we want, can we?" Polly snapped, before pinching her nose and letting out a sigh. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost my temper, but I'm worried about you, love. You've had yourself holed up in this bedroom for over two weeks now. You won't have the curtains open, you won't come out, you won't let anyone in. We're all worried, Saoirse," Polly sat down on the edge of the bed, her head tilted empathetically towards the young woman. " Tommy's been going stir crazy wanting to see you. Don't you think it's about time you let him in?"
"No," Saoirse shook her head, her eyes filling with tears that she refused to spill in front of Polly. " I don't want to see him; I've told you that. I tell him that every morning and every night when he knocks on this fucking door. I just want to be left alone, Polly."
"But you're not going to get better if you keep shutting everyone out," Polly reached over to touch Saoirse's hand, squeezing it lightly. " You need to let us help you. "
"Don't tell me what I need," Saoirse spat, yanking her hand out of Polly's grasp. "Just leave me alone, alright? I just want to be alone."
Lying down, Saoirse turned her back to Polly and pulled the thick blanket up over her face. Her face crumpled and silent tears slid down her cheeks, falling onto the pillow that still smelled of Tommy. She heard Polly leave, pausing at the door before shutting it quietly. It was only once her footsteps began to sound upon the stairs that Saoirse allowed herself to let go. Her entire body shook with the force of her despair and through it all, she wanted the one person she was pushing away the most. But it was for the best. She knew that, and so would he eventually.
Dinner was an awkward affair. Tommy pushed his food around the plate, uninterested in eating. Arthur and Polly were no better. They ate at least, but they were silent. Polly smoked one cigarette after another, seemingly unconcerned by the ash that fell into her stew. To try and ease the tension, Ada was yapping on about something that had happened; an argument between two of her friends, but nobody was paying her much attention. Abruptly, Tommy stood up and pushed his chair back.
"You've not finished your dinner," Polly commented, even as her own lay mostly untouched.
"I'm not hungry," Tommy cleared his throat. "I'm going to bed. "
Climbing the stairs, all Tommy could think about was the fact that Joe was still out there somewhere. They had been looking for him for over two weeks now and it was like the man had vanished into thin air. Tommy had contacts across various parts of the country, including Scotland, looking for him, but every possible lead eventually fizzled out into nothing. Reaching his bedroom door, he paused outside, holding his breath for a few moments before knocking. As expected, there was no answer.
"Saoirse," he tried again, turning the door handle. The door wouldn't budge. It was locked from the inside. "Saoirse, are you awake?"
"Go away, Tommy," he heard her muffled voice. She sounded so dejected and so bitter.
"Please let me in," he begged, his voice cracking.
Silence. That silence was worse than hearing her refuse. That silence said more than words ever could. He had only just got her and then lost her again in the same night. As time passed, Tommy didn't think he was ever going to get her back. Polly had said Saoirse just needed time, but as one day became another and then another, it became clear that wasn't the case. Tommy didn't understand. Did she blame him somehow? That thought ate at him day and night. Did she hate him because he had not yet found Joe? There were a million questions spinning around his mind and the only person who could answer them was the person who refused to so much as even look at him. He let his hand linger on the door for a few moments before finally walking away to the spare bedroom, where he felt like a spare part in his own home.
Another week passed and Saoirse still refused to leave the confines of the bedroom. She allowed Polly in only at mealtimes, and to bring water in for her to wash with numerous times each day. Ada had tried to visit, claiming that nobody else enjoyed her penchant for dramatic gossip telling as much as Saoirse did, but she too was either met with silence or denial. Even Mary had attempted to visit after Polly had gone round to explain what had happened. To say that Mary had been devastated was an understatement. The guilt she felt ate at her immediately because she knew that Joe had hurt Saoirse on that one occasion before and she felt that she should have done more to dissuade her friend from staying with him.
"No," Polly had snapped. " Wipe those tears up immediately because they're the last thing Saoirse needs. She doesn't need your pity and I doubt she'll want it. The truth is I don't know what she wants or needs right now, but we need to get her out of that bloody bedroom. So, if you're gonna hold yourself together then you can come back with me to try and see her, but if you're gonna weep and cry like a sap then you may as well stay here because you're no use to me."
So, Mary had pulled herself together and with trepidation had stepped into the house. Perhaps if she had not been there for such a serious purpose she might have tried her best to take in everything she saw in order to regale it back to everyone she knew; to prove that she had been inside Tommy Shelby's house but as it went all she could focus on was seeing Saoirse.
"Saoirse?" she knocked on the door hesitantly, glancing down the stairs with a grimace at Polly who was waiting at the bottom with bated breath. " Saoirse, it's me, Mary."
Silence radiated thick in the air and Mary let out a sigh.
"Keep going," Polly hissed quietly. " Just talk to her. "
"I, uh, I made some of that lemon cake you really like the other day. I hid it in the larder so the kids and that greedy husband of mine wouldn't find it cos I was saving it for when you come for a brew. I know you probably don't feel like coming out at the moment, but I'd love to see you and so would the kids. They were asking about you the other day. Our Maisie drew a picture of you at school and she's been waiting to give it to you. She told her teacher that your hair was like the princess in a book they read at story time. Anyway, I brought it with me to show you because I know it would mean a lot to Maisie." Mary bit her lip as it started to tremble. " Please don't keep yourself holed up in this room, Saoirse. I don't know what you're going through right now but there are so many of us who care about you, and we want to help you if you'll let us. Please let us help you."
Mary's shoulders slumped defeat in and before she turned to leave, she took out the drawing her daughter had done and slid it under the doorway.
"I'm going to go now because Pete's mum's getting even worse. I caught her eating a bar of soap the other day. And there was us thinking the toothpaste shoe polish was bad, eh?" Mary let out a shaky laugh. " I'll come back and see you in a few days and I'll even make a fresh cake and maybe we can eat it here? Even if you don't want me to see you just yet, we could talk through the door maybe? Just an idea though. Take care of yourself, Saoirse."
Coming out down the stairs, Mary looked at Polly defeatedly.
"I tried," she shrugged, coming down the stairs slowly.
"I know," Polly sighed, touching her on the shoulder. "I know."
Saoirse slid from the bed quietly and reached for the crumpled piece of paper under the door. Saoirse wanted to smile as she imagined little Maisie drawing this picture in school, colouring in her curly hair with a bright orange crayon, but she couldn't. All she could think about was how the little girl who once called her a princess would now look at her and see the ugly witch from her story book. Lifting a hand to her face, she traced the length of the mark there and felt bile rise in her throat. She was hideous, she was a monster. All she wanted to do was close her eyes and never wake up again.
It wasn't fair. She finally had everything she wanted in Tommy and it had been taken from her in an instant. He stood at the door day after day, night after night, declaring his undying love for her but it wouldn't last. How would he bear to go anywhere near her when she looked the way she did? Once his guilt and pity disappeared so would his feelings for her, and she couldn't exactly blame him. Never one to feel sorry for herself, Saoirse wanted to wallow in self-pity and hurt for the rest of her life and she didn't care if she was being selfish. As far as she was concerned, her life was ruined.
"Saoirse?" there was a knock at the door again, and she sighed when she heard Polly's voice. Couldn't she just get the hint that Saoirse wanted to be left alone? "Saoirse, I know you can hear me so don't bother ignoring me like you just ignored Mary. I need your help. The baby has just vomited all over me and it's in my hair and everything, so can you please watch him for me just while I get a bath and wash my hair? Esme and John have gone off for the day to visit kin and they left the baby with me because he's grizzly at the moment. You'd be doing me a big favour."
Saoirse's first thought was to refuse but then she heard the little gurgle outside the door and she realised how much she craved human company. What better company could there be than a baby who wouldn't look at her with pity or disgust? She opened the door and held out her arms. Polly quickly recovered from her surprise and smiled gratefully as she handed over the baby, who immediately smiled when he saw Saoirse.
"I think he's missed you," she murmured, watching a hint of a spark appear in Saoirse's eyes. "I'll be back as quick as I can, alright?"
"There's no rush," Saoirse looked at Polly, her face softer than it had been in days before she shut the door gently in front of Polly's face.
Saoirse had no idea why but holding the baby made her feel a warmth she had not felt since that night. He babbled in that nonsense way babies did; his eyes seeking and searching for a kind smile which Saoirse gave him without even thinking about it.
"You really are most definitely smiling now, little man, hmm?" she cooed, letting out the slightest chuckle when he grabbed her mouth and pinched her bottom lip with his little fingers.
She held him against her chest, breathing in that baby scent which he still possessed and rocked him back and forth. He squirmed at first, eager to play and pull at her bobbed hair but eventually the soothing motion sent him to sleep. Saoirse lay him down on the bed, closest to the wall so he couldn't roll and fall, not that she was entirely certain he was even able to do so yet but just in case. Her gaze ran over his chubby cheeks as he slept and his lips which were pouted like his uncle's and a tear dribbled pathetically down her cheek. She would never have this, a baby, a small version of herself and the man she loved to nurture and to watch grow into a person. It pained her to realise that she wanted that and more with Tommy, but it would never be. She couldn't allow him to saddle himself with her out of pity. Maybe it would be the best for everyone if she just left. Lying down beside the baby, Saoirse's heart ached even more than she ever thought possible.
When Polly returned a short time later, she found them fast asleep; her great nephew cuddled up to Saoirse with complete trust and adoration. She crept into the room as quietly as possible, careful not to disturb Saoirse who had been waking every night with nightmares and her sleep was fitful at best.
"Don't take him," Saoirse whispered groggily. " Just let him stay here for a little while longer. I promise he'll be safe with me. He looks at me and doesn't see my face; he just sees me."
Leaving the room, Polly waited until she was downstairs before she let herself cry. She wasn't entirely certain that Saoirse was going to be alright ever again and it was painful to watch. It was heartbreaking.