Chapter 6: Scattered across Dimensions
Tucker lying face down in the ground, with Donut standing over him
Tucker: (lifeless moans)
Donut: Come on mister blue guy, you gotta wake up. Wake up.
Tucker: It hurts. Just let me die.
Donut: You can't die, I'm bored! All these girls wanna talk about is chick stuff, and not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.
Cut to Tex and Sheila
Tex: I don't have treads, but I often find them staring at things they really shouldn't be.
Cut back to Donut and Tucker
Donut: You see? Boring stuff like oppression, and a hostile work environment.
Tucker: Get Doc, I need Doc.
Donut: I can't. He got possessed by that evil guy and they escaped. He's the one that shot you. Don't you remember?
Tucker: I know. I want him to shoot me again.
Donut: Now now now, sounds like someone's got a case of the "poor me"s. If you were gonna die you would have done it by now! Maybe you just need to realize, you're gonna have to live with intense pain.
Tucker: Get that Sarge guy, have him make me a new body.
Donut: Huhg, we can't. We're out of parts because we overused that joke. And Sarge left with the others to chase Doc. But don't you worry, they left a long time ago, so I'm sure they'll be back any minute. Simmons had a fool-proof plan to catch him.
Simmons along with Jigen n Goemon in one of many similar corridors of grey between red walls
Simmons: Hellooooo... Hello? Is anybody here? Just great. I guess we all got separated in the teleporter.
Jigen: when the world is this place..
Goemon: where is everyone else..
Simmons: I don't know, but let me try using the radio..
radio sounds
Simmons: Sarge. This is Simmons 2.0, do you read me. Apparently your plan to chase Lopez and Doc has failed miserably. I appear to be stuck in some kind of nexus of teleporters, which could take me anywhere in the Universe... Or it's a janitor's closet, the hell I don't fucking know, Sarge, are you there, Sarge!
Sarge and Caboose standing in a stream
Sarge: Hello, anyone! Do you read me? Do I read you? Anyone? Anybody? Nobody? Okay. (sound of his radio turning off. To Caboose) Well, I don't think the others are coming. They must have gotten separated somehow.
Caboose: My toes, are getting pruny.
Sarge: O...kay. Why don't we try to find O'Malley? *runs off*
Caboose: I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while, maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates. *runs off to follow Sarge*
Sarge: Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back. If you know what I mean.
Sarge and Caboose come upon a fallen blue soldier outside a base
Caboose: Sargeant. Look! A sleeping person!
Sarge: What? Holy macaroon.
Sarge runs over and kneels by the fallen blue
Sarge: He's not sleeping son, he's dead.
Caboose: Oh good. At first, I thought that was me. Because, I am blue. And, I like to sleep. But, if he is dead that cannot be me. That would be silly.
Sarge: No doubt he was killed by our very enemy, once again I find myself torn. On the one hand, there's one less blue in the Universe. But now Doc's got a bigger body count than me! And that just won't do. No sir. Rest in peace... scumbag.
Caboose runs behind the base and sees many fallen blues and reds
Caboose: Look - more sleeping people! It must be nap time. But who has nap time now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times.
Sarge: What the Samuel Helsinki happened here? There must have been an enormous battle. Hello! Is anyone okay!? Are there any survivors? Preferably any red survivors? Don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you're blue, I won't step on your neck or anything like that.
Caboose: Am I allowed to answer?
Sarge: Shh quiet. You hear that?
In the background, trumpet music starts getting louder
Caboose: Yes. That noise is called water. It is very wet, and very sloshy-
Sarge: I was talking about the trumpet, bluetard.
Caboose: I have to go to the bathroom now for some reason. Which is odd, because I already went when we were standing in the creek together.
Sarge: Wait a minute I know that song, that's Reveille. But why would someone be playing Reveille in the middle of a-
All of a sudden, every fallen soldier at once jumps up yelling and cheering
Sarge: Sweet jibbly jiblets!
Caboose: Running time!
The soldiers all run off, going around Sarge and Caboose to get back to their bases
Soldiers: Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut etc.
A blue soldier: (jumping in to the blue base) and jump.
A red soldier: (running to the red base) Huay ho huay ho ho hey ho ha ya ho ya yo yuh!
The soldiers all run in to their bases, leaving Sarge and Caboose alone outside
Sarge: What just happened here.
Caboose: I think all the sleepy people were trying to ke-
Sarge: That was rhetorical.
A blue soldier: (from inside) Yeah, go blue team!
Blue soldiers: (from inside, continuing to yell... see the bottom of the transcript for what they say)
Sarge: Get over here, give me a boost!
Caboose: Okay. (steps closer to Sarge) You are a good person, and people say nice things about you.
Sarge: Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.
Caboose: That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.
Sarge: I know, I need you to help me look through it.
Caboose: I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round, that window is square.
Sarge: Come here, you.
Sarge boosts Caboose up to look in the base
Blue soldier 1: I'm gonna kill me a red, and when I get him I'm gonna chop his gutsout I'm going to eat 'em right there. (they continue yammering, see the bottom of the transcript)
Caboose: Whoa.
Sarge: What do you see?
Caboose: I see... a room.
Sarge: And? What's in the room?
Sarge: And? What's in the room?
Caboose: There are some walls, and some ceilings. Wait- just one ceiling.
Sarge: What's making that racket?
The Blue Soldiers: Kill the reds, kill the reds, kill the reds, kill the reds, kill the reds!
Caboose: You are not going to like it.
Sarge lets Caboose down
Sarge: Caboose, I have a very bad feeling abou-
Trumpet music CHARGE plays
Sarge: What's that?
The blues emerge from their base firing on all cylinders, yelling CHARGE! and similar optimistic battle-cries. The reds do the same. A blatant firefight ensues
Sarge: Come on Caboose, we gotta get to higher ground!
They run off
A blue soldier: Yeah I love reloading, I love to reload!
A red soldier: (smashing him in the back of the head) Oh, back of the head!
The newly fallen blue soldier: D'oh, tell my girlfriend that I love her.
The red soldier: She's my girlfriend now bitch!
Sarge: Come on Caboose! (they run up a convenient ladder)
The Soldiers: (random shouts and jeers)
Caboose: Sarge... I am scared of our new friends.
Sarge: Hot Sonny Bono, what's going on here?
A red soldier emerges from the blue base with their flag
The red soldier: Stop fighting, stop fighting everyone, stop fighting! (everyone stops shooting and looks at him) Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the blue flag!
A red soldier: It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!
The red flag bearer: I have seen the top of the mountain! And you will worship me as though I were a God!
The poor red dude is mobbed by four blues at once, WWE-style, and taken down
The red flag bearer: I regret nothing! I lived as few men dare to dream!
The remaining soldiers look at each other, then back at him, then back at each other, and continue firing. A red guy gets a blue guy from behind with the butt of his gun
Red guy: Hell yeah! (gets shot in the back of the head) Oh no!
The blue sniper: Head shot! (gets shot in the feet by a rocket) Oh, you rocket-whore!
A Blue guy: Hey I got some, you want some? I got some for you! Come on you!
A Red guy: The only good blue is a dead blue!
A different Red guy: Christ this water's cold!
Cut to a red and a blue on either side of a rock alternating standing up firing and crouching so the other guy can fire. The blue guy is killed by a grenade from behind
Red guy: Weak! You took my kill!
Other Red guy: I didn't see your name on it! (gets shot by a camper from behind a rock) Oh you fucking camping bitch!
Blue camper: It's a legitimate strategy! (gets shot at rounding a rock) Whoa!
Red guy: Damn! Hey blue, we're the only two left! Let's work together!
Blue guy: What do you mean?
Red guy: I'm coming out!
Blue guy: Okay, I'm coming out too!
They meet in the stream
Blue guy: What did you mean we could work as a team?
The red guy smashes the blue guy in the face with his gun
Red guy: I bash you in the head with my rifle and you die. Good teamwork you fucking noob. Good game, good game everybody! GG man, GG. (takes a hit from nowhere in the back of the head and falls over)
Sarge: I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the Hell O'Malley is! My only choice is to blame Grif, for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif.
Caboose: I am so confused. Where is Church? I need Church to tell me what to think. Church could handle this. He can handle anything!
Church and Grif along with Lupin in jail
Church: Hey asshole, for the last time, LET ME OUTTA THIS GOD DAMN JAIL CELL!
Grif: Yeah, let him out. He's driving me nuts!
Church: Oh shut up, red, nobody asked you.
Lupin: yeah because certainly seems that you try to be quiet..
Grif: I should have never listened
to Donut's stupid fucking plan.
Lupin: at least this wouldn't get any worse than before..
?: That voice is that you... Lupin!?
Lupin turn around and will surprise to see none other than Zenigata.
Lupin: hey pops how's it going..
Zenigata: you mind telling me what in the world did you got myself into!?
Church: hold on a second do you know each other..
Lupin: yeah let's just say more like companions..
Zenigata: oh yeah well looks like you're also in jail, haha!
Lupin: you realize that you were also in jail well with me because it certainly seems you're also got yourself caught..
Zenigata did not say a word but also knew that Lupin what's right.
To Be Continued...
Chapter 7: Finding Allie's
Simmons along with Jigen n Goemon is standing in front of one of the teleporters in his janitor closet
Simmons: Okay, let's see, if I wire this thing in to that... maybe I could signal boost on that thing there... I might just be able to get that to work.
View through the teleporter to Sarge and Caboose shooting
Sarge: Caboose, Caboose, keep them away from me! Get that one. And that one. No no, the one with the limp! Get 'im!
Simmons: Sarge, is that you?
Jigen: so we can see where there are but they can't hear us..
Simmons: well it must be something it's been wrong I can't be able to access other portals..
Goemon: well do you have any other solutions..
Simmons: Hold on give me a second I'm going to try to do something..
Caboose: I don't want to kill... but... I don't want to die even more.
Simmons: Caboose, can you hear me!?
Caboose: Yes, I heard you Sergeant.
Sarge: I didn't say anything, numbnuts.
View is solidly in Battle Creek
Sarge: Caboose, we have to break this neverending cycle of attack and retaliation, either by A) convincing the two sides to live in peace, or B) by getting ourselves completely involved, and kicking some serious ass! I vote B.
Caboose: I have a plan Sergeant, but we will have to move quick. Listen: (Whispering) whisper whisper whisper. Do you think that will work?
Sarge: That's your plan? All you said was "whisper whisper whisper."
Caboose: I know. I just wanted to be the one with the plan for once.
Sarge: Hgggh, come on. I have an idea.
Black screen: "meanwhile, somewhere else in the galaxy" Fades in to a hallway
Phil: This sucks man. I have to do everything around here. Go guard the wall, Phil. Go paint the jeep Phil. Go do everything Phil. This sucks.
Wyoming drops behind Phil, and he turns around
Phil: What was that? Nothin', just that stupid, sucky wind. Breaking a twig, coming up behind me and... breathing, real heavy. (turns around) What the?
Wyoming: Hello, mate. (thick English accent)
Wyoming punches Phil in the face, knocking him out. Fade in a random amount of time later, Phil on his knees at gunpoint
Phil: Oh man, this sucks, what's going on?
Wyoming: Right, here's the way this works. I ask you a question, you tell me an answer. One question, one answer. I don't get the answer I like, we've got a problem. And if we've got a problem, you've got a problem. That clear?
Phil: Okay, just don't hurt me! I'm a single parent.
Wyoming: Splendid, that's the attitude old chap. Now, first question. Where are you hiding the plans?
Wyoming's cell phone starts ringing
Wyoming: Mhm, ahem. Right. Where, are you hiding, th-... right. Need to get that, one second. (turns around and answers the phone) Hello? Yes, this is he speaking. ...Oh hello! Yes, right. Oh bugger. Spell that with a T or an F, do you? Thought you said something else. No, I'll get right on it.
Phil: Getting bored...
Wyoming: Right. Usual fee... He won't be a problem. No, I'll nip that one for you straight away. Right. Say hello to mum for me. Cheerio. (turns back around to Phil) Now, where were we. Ah yes. Looks like it's your lucky day, mate.
Phil: Oh, thank God!
Wyoming: Don't have time to torture you, so I'm just going to have to kill you.
Black screen, gunshot, fades back in to the Battle Creek Reds in their base
A Red Soldier: Yeah, I'm gonna kill everybody!
Another Red Soldier: Get the flag, get the flag, get the flag. Get the fucking flag!
Some Other Red Soldier: We must protect this house!
Many Red Soldiers: We must protect this house!
Yet Another Red Soldier: We must protect this house! This is our house!
A Poignant Red Soldier: Um, guys, look, where's our flag?
Some Red Soldier: (sharp inhale)
Another Red Soldier: No.
Some Other Red Soldier: The flag is gone?
A Red Soldier: What will we do?
The Red Soldier Who Briefly Held The Blue Flag In Episode 39 (The Red Zealot): If the flag is gone, who will lead us? Who will inspire us with their shiny pole? Who will flag directions to us in battle? We are lost, and the world as we knew it is gone forever from our eyes, only to live in our memories as the days of salad and glory! Truly these are the end of times! Repent! Repent!
The Other Red Soldiers: ...
A Red Soldier: This sucks, I'm leaving.
Some Red Soldier: Yeah...
The reds and blues run slowly from their bases, very uninspired
Some Blue Soldier: Yay. Great.
They meet in the middle, below Sarge and Caboose
Sarge: (holding the blue flag) Oh blue team... Look what I have.
Caboose: (holding the red flag) Oh blue team... Look what, wait, I messed up my line. Let's start over.
A Red Soldier: They have our flag!
A Blue Soldier: No they don't, they have our flag!
Sarge: Listen you morons, you're gonna have to work for us now.
The Red Soldier: What's in it for us?
Sarge: Help us get out of here, and we'll give you back your flags. Then you can go back to senselessly killing yourselves.
A Red Soldier: Deal. Ha, sucker!
A Blue Soldier: Wait- why don't we just kill you guys and take the flags back?
A Red Soldier: Hmm. Yeah!
Sarge shoots the blue soldier
Some Red Soldier: Oh, you got owned. I saw it, fucking owned!
The Blue Soldiers: Teams! Teams! Teams!
Some Red Soldier: Shut up! Teams are fine!
The Red Soldiers: Teams are fine! Teams are fine!
Reds and blues start firing at each other ...again
Sarge: Caboose... I give up.
Caboose: Wait. I can make them listen. I can beat them.
Sarge: Son, what are you talkin' about?
Caboose: O'Malley taught me how to be mean. (concentrating) I, just, have, to, concentrate, on, bad, things. Like, milk. No wait, red, Red, Bull.
Sarge: Son, I think you've really lost it. O'Malley's not in your head any more, he infected the Doc!
Caboose: No, I can feel him. I just need to get angry, and say, mean, things! Like... uh... Your brain is a mountain of hatred!
Sarge: I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif... but here it is.
Caboose: Now. I, am, thinking, about... kittens! Guh, kit-tens, covered, in, spikes. That makes, me, angry!
Caboose jumps down from the cliff in to the battle while doing a guttural yell on the way down
Caboose: (in a voice reminiscent of O'Malley) My name, is Michael J. Caboose! And I, hate, babies.
The Red Zealot: It's the beast! The anti-flag, come to live among us and rule us for seven years! The end is nigh!
Caboose punches him in the face, knocking him down
The Red Zealot: Yeooigh!
A Blue Soldier Caboose Punches And Knocks Down: Yikes!
A Red Soldier Caboose Punches And Knocks Down: Yowsah!
Caboose shoots down a red, then a blue, then a red
First Red Soldier: OW!
The Blue Soldier: Wee!
Second Red Soldier: Wow!
Sarge: Great Gustavo, what's goin' on down there?
Simmons fades in in apparition form behind him
Holographic Simmons: Sarge, Caboose can you hear me?
Sarge: Simmons 2.0?
Holographic Simmons: I reconfigured the teleporter, to allow me to communicate with you. I need to get you guys outta there.
Sarge: Damn right we need to get outta here.
Holographic Simmons: Get to your teleporter, and I'll see what I can do from here.
Sarge: Okay!
Holographic Simmons: And, Sarge?
Sarge: Yeah?
Holographic Simmons: It's really great to see you again.
Sarge: Oh kiss my ass some other time.
Holographic Simmons: Whatever you say, Sir.
Sarge climbs down the ladder and runs for the base
Sarge: Come on, Caboose, before they wake up again!
Caboose: I will eat your unhappiness.
Sarge: (reaching the teleporter) Hurry up, Simmons.
Revelee starts playing in the background
Simmons: Just give me a few more seconds over here, Sarge.
Sarge: We don't have a few more seconds!
Simmons: Stop pressuring me! I rely on you for love and support!
Caboose: Your toast has been burned, and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts.
Sarge: Oh shut up, Caboose.
Simmons: Okay there, come through now!
Sarge: Come on, Caboose!
They run through the teleporter, and the camera conveniently follows
Simmons: Whoo. That was pretty close, huh?
Sarge: Simmons, you get an F in efficiency. But I have to give you an A+ in dramatic timing.
Simmons: Thank you Sir. I've always felt that presentation is what matters most.
Caboose: What happened? The last thing I remember was a very mean kitten. And then we were in this janitor's closet. And my throat hurts, a lot.
Simmons: What was that weird place, Sarge?
Jigen: yeah cuz certainly seems that we have seen a lot of things..
Sarge: is that so because you have no idea..
Goemon: yeah because it kind of feels like that I've seen a lot of group of idiots that are way more idiotic compared to you..
Sarge: yeah but they are nothing compared to us..
to Battle Creek
The Red Zealot: Well I guess it's back to basics, now! Get ready for destruction, blues! We're gonna kick your ass! We have become death! Destroyer of whe- oh wait, hold on. I gotta take out the trash. I'll be right back.
To Be Continued...