Authors Notes: This fell out of my head today. Not beta'd and all the mistakes are mine. Everything else belongs to the Queen of All Things JKR. Dedicated to Dennis – who inspired not only this blurb but also me. And continues to everyday that I have known him.
July 30, 2016
He should be dead, many times over. I know this; I just can't seem to accept it. The fact that the pain worsens every year – scares me. Nothing takes it away – not completely. Nothing in the magical or Muggle world is of any use. The potions and spells only ease it. And that effectiveness is decreased every year. I don't know what is the source of strength that keeps him going. Those green eyes still have so much life… but are getting dimmer as time passes. He has some dark times. They are becoming more frequent. Many times – I think the only reason he is still here is because he doesn't want to hurt us. That is why he has started pushing Ron and I back together. Again. You would think that he would be tired of that by now. He kept on about that the whole year after we left Hogwarts. After Voldemort was finally gone from our lives. Right after we nearly lost him too. We still don't know what that final curse was that Voldemort cast. We will never know. The scream that came from Harry that day…I will never forget until my dying day. No human should be able to. We all just knew that he wouldn't survive. But he did.
It has been eighteen years since that night. The three of us have been through everything. Disastrous marriages for Ron and I; losing friends, losing jobs, losing parents. I think Harry took losing Molly Weasley worse than even losing Sirius. She was the only mother he ever knew. He still has that first Weasley jumper she made him that first year.
And tomorrow is Harry's thirty-sixth birthday. I don't know what to do. Somewhere down the line… the friendship became something else. All my life – Ron and Harry have been the standards by which all men in my life have been measured. Ron and I tried a few times… mostly while still at Hogwarts. Huge mistake. We grew closer after that hysterical first kiss. We know that everyone still thinks that we have been having an illicit affair all of these years. Some people have too much time on their hands. We are the opposite sides of the same coin. However, Harry and I… just never managed to even test the waters. Check that – I never managed to figure what I felt with regards to Harry. Just the one kiss… that meant…something anyway. That last Yule Ball – before the Death Eater attacks got so bad. Harry and I were together because Ron was dating that Ravenclaw prefect at the time. Nothing ever felt so…comfortable? No, that isn't the right word. It felt like… I was home. Safe. Cared for. Supported. Loved? A single kiss in the garden… Of course on Boxing Day – the news of the increase Death Eater attacks reached Hogwarts. Our minds were elsewhere then. Later – I wrote everything off to moonlight and roses. Just girlishness. This was Harry – just was a passing impulse for both of us. Right?
I haven't thought about that night in ages. Until this past February. Harry scared me so that night. Everything in me told me to keep him talking, not leave him alone. Since that dark night in February… I can't stop thinking about the "what if's". Should I tell him that I love him? Do I really love him? After twenty-five years… I should be able to figure this out. Do I love Harry? Absolutely. Am I in love with Harry? I can't honestly answer that. There is too much history to sift through to find the truth. And if I am in love with him – do I tell him? He has always told us how he shouldn't be with anyone. To live with him and see what the pain does and is doing to him. Aging him. Killing him. It poisons everything – is what he says. Do I risk a friendship of so many years for the great unknown? For something that could end like all my other relationships with men? Then finding out that I have lost Harry forever because of it? It is times like this – I wish I had studied Divination more. Something… anything to give me an idea of what to do. I hate not knowing what decision to make. The only thing that is clear. I need Harry. In any capacity that I can have him in my life. I cannot imagine my life without Harry or Ron by my side. Nothing can ever be worth losing either of them. Hermione Granger could never survive losing either of them. No… there is too much to risk. I can't go running off like a schoolgirl shouting my undying love from the rooftops. I will never add to Harry's problems. I guess that is my decision. We go on as we have been. But why does it seem to be the wrong one?
Ron is here now – yelling at me to close the journal and get going. We have to plan Harry's party tomorrow.
Enough overanalyzing this problem – for now anyway…