Disclaimers: I don't own Saiyuki I just "borrow" them for this fic ^^

Note: This is my first time writing a Saiyuki fic so pls be gentle with me when u comment ^^ writing this while at work. And some spoiler ahead manga vol 4 and 5.

Note2: Hakkai x Goku (too little of their fics)

Romance, angst PG-13

To Love Again

Flash back

"Why did you do that for?! I was thinking how beautiful your eyes are just now!"

"Beautiful....... I think i heard that comment before....... Kanan..."

*Your hands are beautiful*

*Isn't it strange to say a man is beautiful?*

*********

"Oi Hakkai." Hakkai jerked a little as he opened his eyes to the familiar face in front of him.

"Sanzo...." It was really rare to wake up later than Sanzo, usually Hakkai would be the first to wake up before anyone everyone. "........." Sanzo kept quiet as he looked at Hakkai for a while, before turning around to open the door and make his way downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast, his daily dose of newspaper and cigarettes. Hakkai sat on his bed for a while, was it so obvious? The pain in his face, in his eyes, the pain that wouldn't go away, no matter how long. No matter how he tried to cover them up with the smile he always had on his face, no matter how........

"Ohayo~~!" Hakkai smiled at the golden eyes boy who greeted him with so much energy without fail every morning, and watching Goku for a while, the feeling in his heart. *I was thinking how beautiful your eyes are just now* "Kanan......" Hakkai whispered, he shook his head and smiled, why was he thinking of Kanan all over again. No its wasn't that he had forgotten her at all, just that what Goku had said reminded him so much of what Kanan said, something so similar. Why was he remembering all these now? These words.... Goku said them 3 years ago when Sanzo was after him to bring him to justice, after Gojyo saved him. Why it never seem to bother him......those words......like now, what was that feeling stirring inside him. Hakkai stood there for a while, lost in his thoughts, when he felt a hand on his shoulders.

"Thinking about something?" "Gojyo..." Hakkai turned around and smiled, that fake smile again, Gojyo was probably thinking. "Iie, its nothing." Hakkai gave Gojyo a reassuring smile and started walking towards the stairs. Gojyo just looked at Hakkai's back for a while before joining him.

**********

"Ah.... I'm full~~~" Goku sighed contentedly as he rub his slightly swollen tummy for a while. Hakkai was smiling as usual as he helped cleared the plates from the table. It wasn't really polite to always leave things unclear around, so Hakkai had took it himself to clear up the table and washed the dishes. He had asked Gojyo to run some errands for him, restocking their food suppliers before they set off. Sanzo had moved to the comfort of his room to read his newspaper in peace. Hakkai smiled as he washed the plates, but somehow he felt sad inside, the aching sorrow. He didn't even know why he keeps on smiling when he knew very well he was aching inside all over again. "Kanan......"

"Hakkai.....ne r u alright?" Hakkai looked toward his side, a pair of concern golden eyes looking at him. "Goku.... Kanan will you forgive me if my whole heart doesn't belong to you anymore...... if my hands no longer held yours only....? " "Hakkai?" Snapped out of this thoughts, he smiled at the boy at his side. "I'm alright Goku." "But you are so quiet just now....and the basin is over-flowing with water." Realizing this Hakkai quickly turned off the tap before any more water was to spilled onto the floor.

It was lucky not much water was spilled so it didn't took them long to clean up the floor, Goku had volunteer to help in wiping dry the plates as Hakkai washed them. "He must be worry about me...." Hakkai thought as he noticed Goku stole a few glances at him. Goku was trying very hard not to look so worry, he hates it when people hide secrets from him. He knew Hakkai was troubled, from all the strange behaviors, it was really too obvious. But how was he going to find out when Hakkai just hide behind those thick masks of his. And it made him feel more frustrated when Hakkai kept turning round and give him that reassuring smile. "I don't want you to tell me not to worry... I want you to tell me what's bothering you....." Goku thought.

Hakkai was surprise how quiet Goku could be, he was always so lively and cheery, was it because of him....? He didn't notice his smile had faded, when he felt a hand tugging at his sleeve. Puzzled he turned around a looked at Goku. His eyes soften and his heart melt when he saw those innocent eyes, so filled with concern for him, the desire to want to know what's in his mind. He almost wanted to lean forward and kiss those beautiful eyes, but he didn't, he wouldn't, he couldn't...... "Ne Hakkai...." "Yes Goku." Hakkai smiled, that fake smile again. "Is there .... something bothering you....?" Goku mustered up his courage to say out those words. The courage was different, different to those how he would use when asking Sanzo something, at most Sanzo would do was hit him on his head with the fan and scolded him baka saru, but in the end Sanzo would always tell him, it didn't matter how, as long as he get to know what he wanted to. But Hakkai was different, he would never push Goku away like how Sanzo did, but he never seem to want to bare his inner self either, instead he choose to hide himself away.

"Nothing, I'm alright." Hakkai smiled, Goku knew he was lying but he knew too, Hakkai would never tell him, not to him, not to Sanzo, not even to Gojyo. Goku hanged his head low, disappointed, when he felt Hakkai's hand on his shoulder, comforting him. "Arigatou Goku, thank you for your concern...." Goku knew Hakkai would never say no matter how hard he was going to ask, so he shut up.

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to be continue

Author's note: So what u guys think? I'll continue this fiction not to worry~~~ Will Hakkai be honest with his feeling he has toward Goku, will he even realise its love? Well wait and find out~~~~~