Title: To Love Again -Chapter 3 -- What's that inside...?

Disclaimers: I don't own Saiyuki I just "borrow" them for this fic ^^

Author's senseless outing rant: AAAHHHH ARIGATOU everyone who review my work ^___^ . This chapter is just plain senseless ranting, so its ok to skip this chapter since i find myself repeating myself..... uhhhh.... hmmm....anyway skipping this chapter (i think) won't hurt ^^

Hakkai x Goku

What's that inside?

That aching feeling again.

"Everytime I look at Goku, I feel pain in my heart. It's so hard to describe the pain. The pain.... its so different.... different from when I lose my once true love.... different from any other emotions I ever experience..... what's that...... And my heart tighten whenever I came to realise he'll never be....m...i..ne."

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"Hakkai you're too quiet." Hakkai gave a reassuring smile as he continue to drive, he took a look at Gojyo through the side mirror. Ever since that day in the kitchen, Gojyo had noticed Hakkai had been quieter as usual, yes he was always quiet, but now he was really too quiet. He didn't speak even when Gojyo and Goku were being beaten by Sanzo for being irritating behind. Often he only smiled when asked why he was quiet, and of course Hakkai had noticed, the look in Goku's eyes. He was really getting too obvious, his action..... avoiding those eyes.

In the recent fights, his heart tighten whenever he saw how Goku fought so fiercely to protect Sanzo. His heart sank.... he didn't even know why he was feeling this way.... "Am I jealous....?" Hakkai had asked himself this question over and over again. "It can't be....why will I be....?" And more than once, the most unusual question popped out in his mind, "Will Goku ever fight for me..... the way he fought for Sanzo....?" And he had to scold himself for being an idiot to think like this.

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It was raining again.

Hakkai stared out the window. They had managed to get 4 rooms, and this was a blessing cause Sanzo was back to his moody self again. It would be unwise to be near him now. But Hakkai was glad he could be alone too, so nobody would see, the pain on his face. He sighed and sat on his bed, staring at his hands. "I can't hold anyone anymore..... they are stained wit too much blood...." Hakkai whispered to himself. Earlier in the day he almost made a fool of himself. Goku was injured while trying to protect Sanzo when a demon ambushed him from behind. The demon was severely wounded but it seem he wasn't going down alone. Goku was quick to block the attack but he was wounded in the process. And what made Hakkai's blood boiled was Sanzo not showing any concern at all. But.... Hakkai knew he was wrong. Sanzo did care for Goku, he always has, it was just he never show it that's all. Hakkai had raised his voice, earning himself surprised and odd stares from Sanzo and Gojyo. He was shocked too.... by his unusual behavior. And later throughout the rest of the journey till they reached the inn, it was all quiet. He was glad nobody brought this up again.

A knock on the door. "Must be Gojyo..." Hakkai thought, his recent action and behavior must have gotten his friend worried, but he knew Gojyo would never prode further if he wasn't willing to open up. Hakkai's eyes widen, he never expect to see him at the door, not especially on a rainy night.

Sanzo didn't say anything, he just pushed open the door and went in. Hakkai looked at him quietly as he made himself comfortable on the chair. It was silent for a while. "Sanzo.... something's bothering you?" Hakkai asked, without letting his eyes off the blonde monk. "Ch.." Was the only answer Hakkai received. He knew it was coming, and he knew Sanzo wasn't like Gojyo, he wouldn't give up until there's an answer. "More like something's bothering you." Sanzo said a few minutes later.

A puff of smoke.

Hakkai slowly made his way to the table and sat down. The both men just sat there quietly, Hakkai just stared at the cup in front of him, he knew Sanzo was looking at him, waiting for a reply. What was he going to say? Say he has feeling for Goku..... say he feel crushed he couldn't have Goku..... tell Sanzo about that weird feeling eating him inside..... there wasn't anything Hakkai wanted to say........ All his inner secrets.

All was quiet and this continue for a while. Then Hakkai looked up. He just heard Sanzo sighed. It wasn't the usual sigh he would made, it was more like a I'm-face-with-a-problematic-friend sigh. Hakkai smiled, from the dim light Sanzo caught sight of the sad smile Hakkai had on his face, not that fake one he's always wearing, a sincere yet sad one. "Fine.... you can tell me when the rain stop...." Sanzo said as he got up to leave the room, Hakkai could hear him said softly, almost so soft he could hardly hear it, "......when you feel like it....."

The door closed.

Hakkai just continue to sit there, Sanzo would never come and ask him without any reason. "He must have noticed." Hakkai thought, he wasn't himself ever since that day. More than one time, he would jerked awake in the middle of the night. Just like how it was when he encountered Chin Iisou. Just that these few times, his dreams were just plain darkness, no image, nothing. Only emotions, those heart-breaking feeling, those strange yet familiar feelings, those piercing feelings, threatening to break him up completely if he didn't wake up. Hakkai buried his face in his hands and managed a soft sigh. Would Sanzo hate him if he take Goku away? He could see Goku cares for him. "Goku cares for everyone...." "You all are my only family...." Hakkai recalled Goku saying these to him once. Hakkai buried his face into his hands, the desperate feeling to cry was in his heart, the lump now in his throat. "Kanan...... what am I suppose to do......?" Hakkai said not realizing tears were already rolling down his cheeks.

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In the other room.

Goku felt helpless. He curded up in his bed, "It hurts." He thought. Everytime he looked up at Hakkai, he could see the burning light in Hakkai's eyes. It was like he was going to say something, but then the light will fade away. Hakkai would then quickly turned away from him, his back facing him, and later returned again with that "smile" on his face. "His smile....." Goku thought. "It hurts when I see him smile like that...." Goku placed his hand on his chest. "It really hurts...."

Author's ending rant: AAHHHH Gojyo didn't get much appearance in this chapter.... and Sanzo, Hakkai and Goku seem..... rather OCC to me...... sigh..... this was getting too Hakkai centered, now everyone's in pain......