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The Final Farewell
Mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: FY belongs to Yu Watase... not sure if she wants to claim rights to Eikoden, though.
Spoilers: Eikoden.
Notes: Dedicated to Raye, because I just can't for the life of me think of anything funny. But after watching Eikoden, I could think of a Houki fic. I think she needs to see one about now, ne? Forward it onto the Houki ML, if you like. Late happy birthday!
~*~*~*~*~*~
And we were there again, stealing another moment from death. This time, though, saying goodbye would be so much harder because I knew he wasn't truly gone from my world... Merely reincarnated into a form that was beyond my reach. He was a child, while I was old enough to be his mother. Our son- was older than he was. And then there was Kourin, who had been reborn beside him.
He was destined to belong to someone else, the person I loved like my heart's twin. How could I begrudge her his love?
I could not be bitter. If she had not died then, on that day, he never would have been mine, not even for that all too short a season we shared together. It was my son, though, who I worried for. Could he cope with the reality... That his father was not ours?
I clung to Saihitei though, losing myself in his scent, allowing myself to be young again. I ignored the fact that I was more than ten years his senior, the fact that his son was older than his true form, and the fact that his soul mate stood watching us with uncharacteristic quiet as she allowed us this moment. For one moment, we were a whole family.
Then... it had to end.
I knew he wouldn't want to be the one to bring the moment to a close, for his heart was too kind, so I was the one to take that duty. For him, I had to be strong.
I kissed his cheek gently before stepping back. "I'm so glad... To know that Suzaku has dealt with you fairly."
He nodded, and I knew he realized that I was saying goodbye to him. He glanced down at our son, who wore the robes of the Emperor, before returning my gaze.
I met his eyes firmly, and he knew then that this would be the final farewell. He could not return to us; he had to embrace his new life, and we had to accept that he was lost to us.
"Boushin..." I said softly. "It's time."
My son looked at me, and the confusion in his eyes -his father's eyes- burned me with their denial.
"Your father has to go," I said softly. "He doesn't belong here... This moment, this instant, was a gift from Suzaku. Treasure the memory, Boushin, and let everything else go. Our land is saved... And you know your father will live a happy life, unburdened by the loneliness that plagued him as Emperor." I placed my hand on his shoulder, drawing him away.
Or so I tried to, anyway. Boushin stared for a second, then something fierce and dark lit his eyes, adult fury in eyes that had always been gentle. "No." The word was unequivocal. "We were cheated- this is our chance!" He looked at his father desperately, clinging to his clothes. "I want to know you... You can be Emperor again... I'll step down!" he bargained.
I could see the pain in my beloved's face. "Boushin..." he began, but the young Emperor was having none of it.
"You did your duty... and you died for it! Now you're back... Don't you want to be with us?" he asked.
I felt the stillness in the air as the other Seishi froze. They had all been brought back, but it was Kourin, she who had always loved me, who would be the one to suffer if I acted selfishly. If I let Boushin act selfishly. Kourin watched me, and I felt her love and trust as she allowed me to make my decision.
There really was no decision to make. What Boushin wanted was the impossible. "You do not think," I told my son, and he looked at me. I forced myself to ignore the pain in his eyes, continuing ruthlessly. "The circle has turned, and the Seishi have been reborn into new lives... he's not your father anymore. He can't exist outside this temple in that form. Were he to step outside, he would turn into a boy even younger than yourself."
Boushin looked like he was ready to call the guards to forbid Saihitei from ever leaving, to imprison us forever in this moment. Then Kourin stepped forward, and she took Boushin's wrist, jerking him back. He was Emperor; no one had ever dealt with him so forcibly before, and I could see the shock in his eyes. "Boushin... you cannot live in dreams. We cannot live in the past; I, better than anyone, know the sorrow it causes." She released him, and her fingers drifted upwards to her shorn hair.
I wanted to ask her about that, wanted to ask her why she had cut her beautiful hair. I knew I was only looking at the reflection of her as she had seen herself before she died, and she had become Nuriko... but to me, she would always be Chou Kourin, my closest friend.
"No!" Boushin spat. "You just want him for yourself!"
Kourin flinched away from him, but her eyes did not waver. She was braver than I would have been. "No. I will not deny that I loved him... and I will love him, for our stars are forever bound, but I would never do anything that was not in his best interest. I gave him up last time - this time, you must acknowledge that Hotohori is dead."
Boushin's seemed to be shattered by her harsh words; he trembled slightly, trying to maintain the proper authority of an emperor. I knew the pain it must have caused Kourin to inflict such cruelty on him, and didn't know who to pity more. Saihitei, knelt down beside our son, embracing him a last time. "The two of us will always live on in the memory of my soul. We have done well to meet again- know that I love you... and whenever you feel lonely, look up to my star, and know that a part of me is thinking of you."
Boushin nodded, and did not cry. He hugged his father tightly once more, and then stepped away. "I need to go. I don't want to see your new form, father... I want to always look, and wonder." He bowed to Kourin. "Take care of him, Nuriko."
"I will. Take care of your mother... she's my precious friend." Their eyes met in an instant of understanding, and Boushin fled as graciously as he could.
The gathered Seishi looked on, and I knew that I, too, would have to leave them to their farewells. "I don't want to see you, either," I confessed. "I think Boushin has the right of it... I want to always wonder if that little girl who passes the procession is you, Kourin," I said, looking at her.
She nodded. "I wish we had more time... I've missed you so much. I'll leave you to your farewells," she said graciously, and at that moment, I loved her more than ever for her understanding.
I reached and caught her in a hug, burying my face in her slender shoulder, before releasing her. Then Saihitei drew me away, and I clung to him once again. "It's always goodbye, isn't it?" I whispered.
"It seems that way." His smooth voice rolled over me, and I clung to the sound of it, like a balm for my soul. "You've ruled well, and our son's grown strong."
"He's a good emperor."
"I can tell... he had a mother who loved him." Saihitei's smile warmed my soul. "I don't think he's nearly as lonely as I was."
"He doesn't have a grand destiny, and now that our world is saved..." I trailed off.
Saihitei studied my face. "Are you happy?"
"As happy as I can be. I have people who love me, and my son is a wonderful person. Unlike most, I have the memory that I was truly loved by another in my life. How can I not say that I am happy?" I asked.
"Then I can ask for no more." He grew pensive, and I knew that he would soon leave the temple and return to his new life. "But... one thing."
"Yes?" I said, looking at him eagerly.
"Make sure Boushin marries someone good, a woman of pure heart and strong soul. Only someone like that should be his empress." His hand touched my cheek gently. "Only someone like you has the right to be his wife."
My eyes filled wife tears, but I did not throw myself back in his arms as I longed to. "I thank you, Saihitei." Stepping back, I started towards the temple doors, shutting this chapter in my life, a chapter which I had though closed, but had been torn open again by the Gods themselves. I felt Saihitei's eyes me, but I forced my feet to move. The final step was the hardest.
As I shut the door behind me, I knew that the reincarnated Seishi were making plans, perhaps to remember, but most likely to forget. I wondered about Kourin and Saihitei's future, and wished that I would know... but knew that it was best I would not. The ties binding us had been broken by death, and nothing would ever return them to the way they had been before. I was Saihitei's past; Kourin was his future.
I shut my eyes, forcing myself to acknowledge that bitter truth. Had today really been a kindness granted by Suzaku? Or had the shadow Suzaku chosen one last torment to lay upon the emperor of the land?
~*~*~*~*~
NOTES:
It's been two years since I've written a FY fic; longer still since I've considered it decent enough to release!
Empress Yotaigo aka Houki is Hotohori's wife and the feature character of this piece. She and Nuriko were very close, and I've chosen to have her think of Nuriko as "Kourin" and "she" since they were in the seraglio together.
While Boushin would have chosen another name when he came to the throne, I was unable to find it online, and it really wasn't stressed noticeably in Eikoden. Frankly, forgive me my laziness.
I wasn't able to find any of my usual betas - no one's seen Eikoden yet! Personally, I didn't hate it! I was surprised.
The Final Farewell
Mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: FY belongs to Yu Watase... not sure if she wants to claim rights to Eikoden, though.
Spoilers: Eikoden.
Notes: Dedicated to Raye, because I just can't for the life of me think of anything funny. But after watching Eikoden, I could think of a Houki fic. I think she needs to see one about now, ne? Forward it onto the Houki ML, if you like. Late happy birthday!
~*~*~*~*~*~
And we were there again, stealing another moment from death. This time, though, saying goodbye would be so much harder because I knew he wasn't truly gone from my world... Merely reincarnated into a form that was beyond my reach. He was a child, while I was old enough to be his mother. Our son- was older than he was. And then there was Kourin, who had been reborn beside him.
He was destined to belong to someone else, the person I loved like my heart's twin. How could I begrudge her his love?
I could not be bitter. If she had not died then, on that day, he never would have been mine, not even for that all too short a season we shared together. It was my son, though, who I worried for. Could he cope with the reality... That his father was not ours?
I clung to Saihitei though, losing myself in his scent, allowing myself to be young again. I ignored the fact that I was more than ten years his senior, the fact that his son was older than his true form, and the fact that his soul mate stood watching us with uncharacteristic quiet as she allowed us this moment. For one moment, we were a whole family.
Then... it had to end.
I knew he wouldn't want to be the one to bring the moment to a close, for his heart was too kind, so I was the one to take that duty. For him, I had to be strong.
I kissed his cheek gently before stepping back. "I'm so glad... To know that Suzaku has dealt with you fairly."
He nodded, and I knew he realized that I was saying goodbye to him. He glanced down at our son, who wore the robes of the Emperor, before returning my gaze.
I met his eyes firmly, and he knew then that this would be the final farewell. He could not return to us; he had to embrace his new life, and we had to accept that he was lost to us.
"Boushin..." I said softly. "It's time."
My son looked at me, and the confusion in his eyes -his father's eyes- burned me with their denial.
"Your father has to go," I said softly. "He doesn't belong here... This moment, this instant, was a gift from Suzaku. Treasure the memory, Boushin, and let everything else go. Our land is saved... And you know your father will live a happy life, unburdened by the loneliness that plagued him as Emperor." I placed my hand on his shoulder, drawing him away.
Or so I tried to, anyway. Boushin stared for a second, then something fierce and dark lit his eyes, adult fury in eyes that had always been gentle. "No." The word was unequivocal. "We were cheated- this is our chance!" He looked at his father desperately, clinging to his clothes. "I want to know you... You can be Emperor again... I'll step down!" he bargained.
I could see the pain in my beloved's face. "Boushin..." he began, but the young Emperor was having none of it.
"You did your duty... and you died for it! Now you're back... Don't you want to be with us?" he asked.
I felt the stillness in the air as the other Seishi froze. They had all been brought back, but it was Kourin, she who had always loved me, who would be the one to suffer if I acted selfishly. If I let Boushin act selfishly. Kourin watched me, and I felt her love and trust as she allowed me to make my decision.
There really was no decision to make. What Boushin wanted was the impossible. "You do not think," I told my son, and he looked at me. I forced myself to ignore the pain in his eyes, continuing ruthlessly. "The circle has turned, and the Seishi have been reborn into new lives... he's not your father anymore. He can't exist outside this temple in that form. Were he to step outside, he would turn into a boy even younger than yourself."
Boushin looked like he was ready to call the guards to forbid Saihitei from ever leaving, to imprison us forever in this moment. Then Kourin stepped forward, and she took Boushin's wrist, jerking him back. He was Emperor; no one had ever dealt with him so forcibly before, and I could see the shock in his eyes. "Boushin... you cannot live in dreams. We cannot live in the past; I, better than anyone, know the sorrow it causes." She released him, and her fingers drifted upwards to her shorn hair.
I wanted to ask her about that, wanted to ask her why she had cut her beautiful hair. I knew I was only looking at the reflection of her as she had seen herself before she died, and she had become Nuriko... but to me, she would always be Chou Kourin, my closest friend.
"No!" Boushin spat. "You just want him for yourself!"
Kourin flinched away from him, but her eyes did not waver. She was braver than I would have been. "No. I will not deny that I loved him... and I will love him, for our stars are forever bound, but I would never do anything that was not in his best interest. I gave him up last time - this time, you must acknowledge that Hotohori is dead."
Boushin's seemed to be shattered by her harsh words; he trembled slightly, trying to maintain the proper authority of an emperor. I knew the pain it must have caused Kourin to inflict such cruelty on him, and didn't know who to pity more. Saihitei, knelt down beside our son, embracing him a last time. "The two of us will always live on in the memory of my soul. We have done well to meet again- know that I love you... and whenever you feel lonely, look up to my star, and know that a part of me is thinking of you."
Boushin nodded, and did not cry. He hugged his father tightly once more, and then stepped away. "I need to go. I don't want to see your new form, father... I want to always look, and wonder." He bowed to Kourin. "Take care of him, Nuriko."
"I will. Take care of your mother... she's my precious friend." Their eyes met in an instant of understanding, and Boushin fled as graciously as he could.
The gathered Seishi looked on, and I knew that I, too, would have to leave them to their farewells. "I don't want to see you, either," I confessed. "I think Boushin has the right of it... I want to always wonder if that little girl who passes the procession is you, Kourin," I said, looking at her.
She nodded. "I wish we had more time... I've missed you so much. I'll leave you to your farewells," she said graciously, and at that moment, I loved her more than ever for her understanding.
I reached and caught her in a hug, burying my face in her slender shoulder, before releasing her. Then Saihitei drew me away, and I clung to him once again. "It's always goodbye, isn't it?" I whispered.
"It seems that way." His smooth voice rolled over me, and I clung to the sound of it, like a balm for my soul. "You've ruled well, and our son's grown strong."
"He's a good emperor."
"I can tell... he had a mother who loved him." Saihitei's smile warmed my soul. "I don't think he's nearly as lonely as I was."
"He doesn't have a grand destiny, and now that our world is saved..." I trailed off.
Saihitei studied my face. "Are you happy?"
"As happy as I can be. I have people who love me, and my son is a wonderful person. Unlike most, I have the memory that I was truly loved by another in my life. How can I not say that I am happy?" I asked.
"Then I can ask for no more." He grew pensive, and I knew that he would soon leave the temple and return to his new life. "But... one thing."
"Yes?" I said, looking at him eagerly.
"Make sure Boushin marries someone good, a woman of pure heart and strong soul. Only someone like that should be his empress." His hand touched my cheek gently. "Only someone like you has the right to be his wife."
My eyes filled wife tears, but I did not throw myself back in his arms as I longed to. "I thank you, Saihitei." Stepping back, I started towards the temple doors, shutting this chapter in my life, a chapter which I had though closed, but had been torn open again by the Gods themselves. I felt Saihitei's eyes me, but I forced my feet to move. The final step was the hardest.
As I shut the door behind me, I knew that the reincarnated Seishi were making plans, perhaps to remember, but most likely to forget. I wondered about Kourin and Saihitei's future, and wished that I would know... but knew that it was best I would not. The ties binding us had been broken by death, and nothing would ever return them to the way they had been before. I was Saihitei's past; Kourin was his future.
I shut my eyes, forcing myself to acknowledge that bitter truth. Had today really been a kindness granted by Suzaku? Or had the shadow Suzaku chosen one last torment to lay upon the emperor of the land?
~*~*~*~*~
NOTES:
It's been two years since I've written a FY fic; longer still since I've considered it decent enough to release!
Empress Yotaigo aka Houki is Hotohori's wife and the feature character of this piece. She and Nuriko were very close, and I've chosen to have her think of Nuriko as "Kourin" and "she" since they were in the seraglio together.
While Boushin would have chosen another name when he came to the throne, I was unable to find it online, and it really wasn't stressed noticeably in Eikoden. Frankly, forgive me my laziness.
I wasn't able to find any of my usual betas - no one's seen Eikoden yet! Personally, I didn't hate it! I was surprised.