TITLE: Pull Over
AUTHOR: Mercury's Winter mercurys_winter@yahoo.com
RATING: PG-13 for a couple of minor swears
SPOILERS: "All Great Neptune's Oceans"
DISCLAIMER: This is all in fun, no money is coming my way, Andromeda and it's characters belong to Tribune Entertainment.
SUMMARY: This is in response to a challenge in MikeJoe's fic "Pit Stop" I commented on how when the crew got sick from eating Trance's snack and stopped on a planet to, um, expunge, I thought it was gonna come out the other end. He challenged me to write a fic where it did, so, well, here it is :D Hopefully you'll get a laugh out of it!
A/N: WIP but only two parts, I couldn't wait to post until I was done :D
A/N2: Set in middle of season I
*******************
"Well, that answers that question. Fish people *do* eat fish." Harper patted his belly and emitted a loud belch.
Beka rolled her eyes and gave Harper a light shove, "Good grief, do you have any manners at all?"
"Hey, in some cultures that's considered a compliment." Harper protested, "Besides, the banquet is over, we've done our time makin' nice and now we can let it all hang out." Harper made a show of loosening his tie and unbuckling his belt.
"Mister Harper," Dylan began, "the dinner may be over but we have yet to leave the planet. I would appreciate it if you left your clothing on. I don't want to risk yet *another* diplomatic incident." The crew was making their way from the banquet hall on Castalia to the landing pad where the Eureka Maru was berthed. All hands were accounted for except Rev who was onboard Andromeda supervising relief efforts at a nearby drift.
"I, for one, still don't understand why you had to drag all of us to this function." Tyr said and sniffed his shirt disgustedly. "Do you realize how hard it is to get fish smell out of leather?"
Dylan sighed and for what felt like the millionth time explained his motives to his whining crew. "We need to maintain good relations with Castalia. Their Parliament only marginally accepted the Commonwealth charter. They invited all of us and, as a show of unity, we all had to come."
"Yadda, yadda, yadda." Harper made talking gestures with his hand, "at least I got to sit next to the lovely Colonel Yao."
"Yes, for all of two minutes before the mistake was corrected." Rommie said.
"Maybe, but it was two minutes of pure heaven baby." Harper said dreamily.
"How did the place cards get mixed up anyway?" Trance asked.
"It wasn't a total loss, the food was excellent." Harper said, quickly changing the subject.
Beka wrinkled her nose, "I still can't believe you ate that...what was it called again?"
"Magdin, oh man, was that great! It's equivalent to an old Earth delicacy called Lutefisk." Harper rubbed his belly at the memory of the dish and let fly another belch.
Trance plugged her nose. "Eww...Harper, that's disgusting."
"I can't imagine it was nutritious, it looked like something I coughed up while working in the mines." Tyr sneered. He was now sniffing his hair and grimacing.
"The texture is part of the appeal. At least it was better than the crap you guys choked down."
"I gotta admit the Yuggden Puffer Fish was really good." Beka commented.
"Good?" Harper exclaimed, "It was still blinkin' for cryin' out loud!"
"It was?" Trance gasped.
"No, Trance, Harper's just being facetious. Fish don't have eyelids." Rommie explained. Harper opened his mouth but before he could upset Trance further Rommie continued. "Our meal was not still alive, merely tar-tar."
"You ok Trance?" Beka asked as they reached the hatch of the Maru. "You're looking a little green around the gills."
"Oh, Beka, please don't say gills." Trance placed her hand over her mouth and mumbled, "Why didn't anyone tell me that fish was *raw*?"
"Well, Trance, I guess we figured you already knew." Dylan said as Beka keyed the pad on the Maru's airlock. "Didn't you notice how cold and slimy and congealed it was?"
Trance's eyes widened, she threw her other hand over her mouth and raced through the door as soon as she cold fit.
Beka turned to Dylan, "If she doesn't make it, you're cleaning it up."
Harper chuckled and clapped Dylan on the back. "Good one boss."
"What? What'd I do?" Dylan stammered.
"Wait for it...wait for it." Harper said as he watched realization dawn on Dylan's face. "Bingo! I love watching the light bulb go on."
"I was just trying to help." Dylan muttered as he followed his shipmates through the door.
**********************
"Trance, are you all right?" Rommie asked as she tapped on the door to Maru's lav. She cringed at the noises that were coming from the other side.
"Uh-huh." Came the reply.
"Do you need any assistance?"
"Huh-uh."
"She'll be fine." Beka said as she and Harper walked past on their way back from the cockpit. They had left the surface and the autopilot was engaged. They had a two-hour trip to the rendezvous with Andromeda. "She's been like this before. Don't worry, it never lasts more than a couple of days."
"What causes it?" Rommie asked joining the duo on their way to the galley.
"Never seems to be the same thing but it always has to do with food. Like this one time, she ordered Nectrian Escargot on Albuquerque Drift. I thought she was nuts, I mean, you'd never catch me eating live snails."
"Yeah, Rommie, you should have been there, it was classic! She took a big bite, felt the critters wigglin' around in her mouth and-"
Rommie held up her hands, cutting him off. "I get the picture Harper."
"She wouldn't come out of the fresher for 36 hours." Beka said, looking back down the hall at the closed door.
"Weren't you worried about her?" Dylan asked, having heard the last bit of conversation. They entered the galley together.
"Of course we were the first time it happened. Rev kept trying to get her to come out so he could run some scans but she assured us she would be fine. I tried everything short of cutting the door off. Finally there wasn't anything I could do but trust her." Beka shrugged.
"When it comes to that girl, nothing surprises me anymore." Tyr said. He was leaning against his favorite wall looking bored as usual.
Harper jumped up on the counter and grabbed a beer from his stash while Beka and Rommie took up seats around the table.
Dylan slowly paced the length of the room. "As long as we're all here, we might as well discuss our strategy for convincing the people of Uranus Prime to join the Commonwealth."
Harper snickered, "You said Uranus."
Dylan stopped and rolled his eyes. "Mister Harper, you're childish behavior is one of the things I believe this crew needs to discuss. I don't think it's appropriate for you to make fun of a perfectly common name. And further more..." Dylan paused as his stomach let out an angry gurgle. He cleared his throat and continued, "And further more-" He was interrupted again by his stomach this time it sounded like bubbles going down a drain.
"Dylan, are you all right?" Rommie asked, quite perplexed.
"Uh, yeah. Just a little indigestion. Where was I?" Dylan placed his hand lightly on his stomach and leaned against the counter.
"You were about to chew the little professor a new one." Tyr smirked.
Harper stuck his tongue out at Tyr. "It's not like I'm the only one who needs to work on his etiquette Mr. Perfect. Remember the time you almost got us all killed 'cause you forgot to greet the Taurans correctly?"
Tyr glowered at Harper and emitted a deep growl, which turned into an enormous, earth shattering, leather ripping expulsion of methane. No one moved. Beka and Harper looked at each other and dissolved into a fit of giggles. Tyr turned several shades of red before stomping out of the room. Harper laughed so hard that he fell off the counter which only added to Beka's mirth. Even Rommie cracked a grin which quickly turned into a chuckle. Before long she was holding her sides and leaning on Beka, tears streaming down both their faces.
Dylan looked at the ceiling and held up his hands helplessly. He shook his head and left the 'children' to their potty humor.
*********************
To Be Continued...
AUTHOR: Mercury's Winter mercurys_winter@yahoo.com
RATING: PG-13 for a couple of minor swears
SPOILERS: "All Great Neptune's Oceans"
DISCLAIMER: This is all in fun, no money is coming my way, Andromeda and it's characters belong to Tribune Entertainment.
SUMMARY: This is in response to a challenge in MikeJoe's fic "Pit Stop" I commented on how when the crew got sick from eating Trance's snack and stopped on a planet to, um, expunge, I thought it was gonna come out the other end. He challenged me to write a fic where it did, so, well, here it is :D Hopefully you'll get a laugh out of it!
A/N: WIP but only two parts, I couldn't wait to post until I was done :D
A/N2: Set in middle of season I
*******************
"Well, that answers that question. Fish people *do* eat fish." Harper patted his belly and emitted a loud belch.
Beka rolled her eyes and gave Harper a light shove, "Good grief, do you have any manners at all?"
"Hey, in some cultures that's considered a compliment." Harper protested, "Besides, the banquet is over, we've done our time makin' nice and now we can let it all hang out." Harper made a show of loosening his tie and unbuckling his belt.
"Mister Harper," Dylan began, "the dinner may be over but we have yet to leave the planet. I would appreciate it if you left your clothing on. I don't want to risk yet *another* diplomatic incident." The crew was making their way from the banquet hall on Castalia to the landing pad where the Eureka Maru was berthed. All hands were accounted for except Rev who was onboard Andromeda supervising relief efforts at a nearby drift.
"I, for one, still don't understand why you had to drag all of us to this function." Tyr said and sniffed his shirt disgustedly. "Do you realize how hard it is to get fish smell out of leather?"
Dylan sighed and for what felt like the millionth time explained his motives to his whining crew. "We need to maintain good relations with Castalia. Their Parliament only marginally accepted the Commonwealth charter. They invited all of us and, as a show of unity, we all had to come."
"Yadda, yadda, yadda." Harper made talking gestures with his hand, "at least I got to sit next to the lovely Colonel Yao."
"Yes, for all of two minutes before the mistake was corrected." Rommie said.
"Maybe, but it was two minutes of pure heaven baby." Harper said dreamily.
"How did the place cards get mixed up anyway?" Trance asked.
"It wasn't a total loss, the food was excellent." Harper said, quickly changing the subject.
Beka wrinkled her nose, "I still can't believe you ate that...what was it called again?"
"Magdin, oh man, was that great! It's equivalent to an old Earth delicacy called Lutefisk." Harper rubbed his belly at the memory of the dish and let fly another belch.
Trance plugged her nose. "Eww...Harper, that's disgusting."
"I can't imagine it was nutritious, it looked like something I coughed up while working in the mines." Tyr sneered. He was now sniffing his hair and grimacing.
"The texture is part of the appeal. At least it was better than the crap you guys choked down."
"I gotta admit the Yuggden Puffer Fish was really good." Beka commented.
"Good?" Harper exclaimed, "It was still blinkin' for cryin' out loud!"
"It was?" Trance gasped.
"No, Trance, Harper's just being facetious. Fish don't have eyelids." Rommie explained. Harper opened his mouth but before he could upset Trance further Rommie continued. "Our meal was not still alive, merely tar-tar."
"You ok Trance?" Beka asked as they reached the hatch of the Maru. "You're looking a little green around the gills."
"Oh, Beka, please don't say gills." Trance placed her hand over her mouth and mumbled, "Why didn't anyone tell me that fish was *raw*?"
"Well, Trance, I guess we figured you already knew." Dylan said as Beka keyed the pad on the Maru's airlock. "Didn't you notice how cold and slimy and congealed it was?"
Trance's eyes widened, she threw her other hand over her mouth and raced through the door as soon as she cold fit.
Beka turned to Dylan, "If she doesn't make it, you're cleaning it up."
Harper chuckled and clapped Dylan on the back. "Good one boss."
"What? What'd I do?" Dylan stammered.
"Wait for it...wait for it." Harper said as he watched realization dawn on Dylan's face. "Bingo! I love watching the light bulb go on."
"I was just trying to help." Dylan muttered as he followed his shipmates through the door.
**********************
"Trance, are you all right?" Rommie asked as she tapped on the door to Maru's lav. She cringed at the noises that were coming from the other side.
"Uh-huh." Came the reply.
"Do you need any assistance?"
"Huh-uh."
"She'll be fine." Beka said as she and Harper walked past on their way back from the cockpit. They had left the surface and the autopilot was engaged. They had a two-hour trip to the rendezvous with Andromeda. "She's been like this before. Don't worry, it never lasts more than a couple of days."
"What causes it?" Rommie asked joining the duo on their way to the galley.
"Never seems to be the same thing but it always has to do with food. Like this one time, she ordered Nectrian Escargot on Albuquerque Drift. I thought she was nuts, I mean, you'd never catch me eating live snails."
"Yeah, Rommie, you should have been there, it was classic! She took a big bite, felt the critters wigglin' around in her mouth and-"
Rommie held up her hands, cutting him off. "I get the picture Harper."
"She wouldn't come out of the fresher for 36 hours." Beka said, looking back down the hall at the closed door.
"Weren't you worried about her?" Dylan asked, having heard the last bit of conversation. They entered the galley together.
"Of course we were the first time it happened. Rev kept trying to get her to come out so he could run some scans but she assured us she would be fine. I tried everything short of cutting the door off. Finally there wasn't anything I could do but trust her." Beka shrugged.
"When it comes to that girl, nothing surprises me anymore." Tyr said. He was leaning against his favorite wall looking bored as usual.
Harper jumped up on the counter and grabbed a beer from his stash while Beka and Rommie took up seats around the table.
Dylan slowly paced the length of the room. "As long as we're all here, we might as well discuss our strategy for convincing the people of Uranus Prime to join the Commonwealth."
Harper snickered, "You said Uranus."
Dylan stopped and rolled his eyes. "Mister Harper, you're childish behavior is one of the things I believe this crew needs to discuss. I don't think it's appropriate for you to make fun of a perfectly common name. And further more..." Dylan paused as his stomach let out an angry gurgle. He cleared his throat and continued, "And further more-" He was interrupted again by his stomach this time it sounded like bubbles going down a drain.
"Dylan, are you all right?" Rommie asked, quite perplexed.
"Uh, yeah. Just a little indigestion. Where was I?" Dylan placed his hand lightly on his stomach and leaned against the counter.
"You were about to chew the little professor a new one." Tyr smirked.
Harper stuck his tongue out at Tyr. "It's not like I'm the only one who needs to work on his etiquette Mr. Perfect. Remember the time you almost got us all killed 'cause you forgot to greet the Taurans correctly?"
Tyr glowered at Harper and emitted a deep growl, which turned into an enormous, earth shattering, leather ripping expulsion of methane. No one moved. Beka and Harper looked at each other and dissolved into a fit of giggles. Tyr turned several shades of red before stomping out of the room. Harper laughed so hard that he fell off the counter which only added to Beka's mirth. Even Rommie cracked a grin which quickly turned into a chuckle. Before long she was holding her sides and leaning on Beka, tears streaming down both their faces.
Dylan looked at the ceiling and held up his hands helplessly. He shook his head and left the 'children' to their potty humor.
*********************
To Be Continued...