Here's the last of it :D My sister (MercurysSister of the notoriously
funny Booster Shot) insisted that I add one sound effect. If you have a
weak constitution or have eaten in the last 24 hours, I suggest you NOT
click on the link ;) LOL I Can't believe she found this particular file,
it's exactly what I had in mind..All hail the Queen of the Sound Bite :D
********************
No sooner was the Maru on the ground than Harper heard the airlock being opened. He got himself out of the pilot's seat and to the door just in time to see his four friends hobbling off in four different directions. He'd managed to find a clearing large enough for the Maru with convenient cover not far away.
Harper watched as Dylan stopped about five meters from the Maru. "Notgonna...make it." Dylan grunted. He turned sharply, hand on his bum, knees together, and lurched for the lee of the Maru.
http://www.laughinglynx.com/sounds/mp3/diarrhea.mp3
Seconds later Harper jumped when he heard a shrill, gargling, howl, it sounded like a turkey being strangled. He ran in the direction Dylan had staggered, worried that a wild animal had gotten him. He stopped short when the noise came again, punctuated by curses in several languages and the sound of bowels being rapidly emptied.
Harper plugged his nose and held his breath while quickly returning to the Maru's airlock. He wasn't sure what to do next. He wanted to help but he was pretty sure there wasn't much he could do. He shuddered *don't go there, man* he thought. He'd worn a pretty good path in the tall grass when Rommie finally came back into sight. She was moving slowly, her gears grinding. Harper ran to meet her. "Hey doll, you feelin' better?"
"Yes and no. I've depleted my fluid supply; I guess you could say I'm dehydrated." She gave Harper a weak smile as he put her arm over his shoulder and helped her back to the ship. He laid her on a bunk in the crew quarters and grabbed her a can of lubricant.
"Do you think you can handle this? I've gotta go check on the others." At Rommie's nod, Harper raced back outside. He didn't have to wait long before Beka came limping back toward the ship. "Better?"
"Ugh, no." Beka said disgustedly, "I sure hope there's no poison oak around here."
Harper smiled sympathetically, "Come on boss, let's get you a bunk and something to drink. As soon as the other two come back, we can be on our way." Beka sighed and leaned her head on Harper's shoulder.
Harper got Beka settled just as Dylan drug himself into the crew quarters. "Mister Harper..." He said as he collapsed on the nearest bunk, asleep before he hit the mattress.
"Yeah, yeah, best speed to the Andromeda." Harper sighed and lifted Dylan's legs onto the bed making him as comfortable as possible. Harper was beginning to tire of the nursemaid routine. It wasn't more fun to be the patient but it sure as hell was a lot less work.
Harper returned to the airlock expecting to see Tyr sauntering back. No Tyr. Harper waited and waited, anxious to get going, he risked the larger man's ire and yelled for him to hurry up. No answer. "Come on Tyr, we gotta get goin'!" Harper shouted again. The sun was going down and the bugs were coming out. Harper swatted at several until a mournful howl chilled him to the bone. "Tyr?" Harper whispered, "Was that you?" The howl was replaced by what sounded like barking. "Crap." Harper muttered he was ready to leave, and now. He reluctantly set off in the direction Tyr had gone, his blaster charged and at the ready.
"Tyr." Harper rasped, "Where are you? We gotta get outa here."
"I'm not going." Tyr's soft baritone floated across the gathering mist.
"What?" Harper hissed, finally able to make out the silhouette of the large man near an equally large tree.
"I said I'm not going, not yet anyway."
"I don't understand."
"You go back to the ship, I will return after night falls." Tyr was still sitting by the tree. He kept his back to Harper.
"We gotta be gone by then, I can already hear the wild animals, they'll eat you up if you're still here after dark!" Harper's eyes darted about, wary of any danger.
"I told you, boy, I'll be along, just not yet."
"What's the matter?" Harper pressed, and then a thought occurred to him. "You didn't...you didn't have and *accident* did you?"
"NO! Of course not!" Tyr shouted. He then lowered his voice to a level that was barely audible. "I was merely a little anxious and in my haste to shed my clothing, I appear to have..."
"Have what? Come on Tyr, spit it out."
"Well, I seem to have ripped my pants."
"That's nothin', just use what's left to cover up and let's get out of here!" Harper stood and waited for Tyr to follow.
"It's not that simple, boy. When I was...finished, I noticed I was surrounded by poison oak. Having nothing else, I used the shreds of my pants to" Tyr swallowed hard, "cleanse myself."
"Oh." Was all Harper could manage; he was trying hard to stifle his snickers and not succeeding very well.
"Cease your childish behavior, return to the Maru, and bring me some clothes!" Tyr demanded although to Harper, he didn't seem nearly as threatening as five minutes earlier. Harper turned to leave. He paused as Tyr whispered, "Listen."
Harper strained his ears but heard nothing. He was about to start out again when, over the constant hum of insects, came the sound of distant drums punctuated by sporadic yells and barks of the same animals he's heard earlier. His eyes continually adjusting to the growing gloom, Harper glanced around for signs that the natives might be headed their way. He was rewarded when he looked up into the tree and saw several stick figures hanging in its branches. "Uh, ok, new plan. I think you may have, uh, desecrated their sacred tree or somethin'."
"What?" Tyr said as something hit his face. He grabbed it angrily. "What's this? A handkerchief?"
"No, Einstein, it's my shirt. Use it to cover up and let's get the hell out of here!" Harper said dancing from foot to foot as the drumming drew steadily closer.
"Uh, Harper, this is not going to cover me, this scrap of cloth wouldn't even begin to be of use."
"Really?" Harper said attempting to peer around the tree to see for himself and got a pinecone thrown at him for his efforts.
Harper rolled his eyes. Who would have thought Tyr was modest considering all the time he spent strutting around half-naked. Obviously though, Tyr was having a really hard time with this particular humiliation. Harper decided to take it easy on him, for now. "Ok, here's the deal, you all need to get back to the Andromeda as soon as possible and have your stomachs pumped, there are natives coming to roast us over an open flame or something, so you need to get your naked Nietzschean ass up and follow me. Don't worry, if I see something I've never seen before, I'll throw a rock at it."
Tyr sneered at Harper and growled menacingly. "If you *ever* breathe a word of this to another living soul, I will personally make sure you *never* procreate."
Harper nodded slightly and headed off toward the Maru at a hurried jog, he heard the larger man following a good distance behind. The sound of the drums grew as an eerie light formed on the horizon. Harper picked up the pace and reached the Maru at a full run. He headed straight for the cockpit and began pre-flight procedures. He heard the airlock close moments later and Tyr's footsteps as he locked himself in the Maru's medical closet. As the Maru lifted off the ground, Harper saw figures dressed in furs and loincloths shaking their fists at the Maru and tossing spears.
Harper saluted the natives smartly and pointed the ship at the stars that were starting to appear in the alien sky. Once safely away from the planet, Harper engaged autopilot and headed back to the crew quarters and grabbed some of Tyr's extra clothes. He tossed them in without peeking and went back to check on his charges.
Beka and Dylan were sound asleep and Rommie had entered a self-diagnostic cycle. Tyr, fully dressed, collapsed on the only remaining bunk.
"All set then. Let's go home." Harper said and made his way to the cockpit, pausing to knock on the door to the bathroom. "You ok?"
"Yeah." Trance answered. Well, at least she was forming words instead of grunts so Harper was optimistic.
The rest of the trip was uneventful. Rev was waiting at the hanger bay to help Harper unload the invalids. Dylan, Beka, and Tyr were taken to medical where they received the proper medical care.
Rev declared that they would be back to normal by the next day. As an after thought, Harper whispered to Rev, "Ah, I think you'd better check Beka for poison oak." Rev opened his mouth but Harper held up his hand, "Don't ask, but make sure to check her thoroughly."
Harper took Rommie to machine shop 17. He was tired but he wasn't about to neglect his favorite android. When he was through, he stopped in to med bay to check up on his 'poopin' pals' as he had affectionately come to refer to them. They were all sleepin' like babies, he half expected to see Dylan sucking his thumb. He almost envied them their peaceful sleep. He sighed, he still had work to do on the Maru, and then he had to relieve Rev who had been on duty for two days straight.
**********************
Harper had just finished in the Maru, was getting ready to go find Rev when the door to the bathroom burst open, and out bounced a very chipper Trance. "Harper! What's up?" She asked innocently.
Harper stared at her, mouth agape. He shuffled past her, mumbling something to the effect of ask Dylan.
Undaunted, Trance hopped in front of him. "Harper, are you ok? You don't look so good."
"I'm fine, just a little tired. I think you should go check on the others. They should be well enough to be released by now. If you need me, I'll be on the bridge." Trance watched him go, shrugged cheerfully, and skipped off toward med bay.
.
Trance had just announced everyone well and fit for duty when the med bay doors swished open. Rev entered half-carrying, half-dragging an obviously ill Harper to a nearby bed. "Oh, Harper, I knew you didn't look well."
"Correct as usual, your purpleness." Harper sighed. He received sympathetic looks from Beka and Dylan as they left Trance to her work. Tyr merely sneered and shot Harper a warning glance before following the others through the door.
Trance finished her scans. "So, darlin' what's the verdict?"
"You have Jangardian fever. It's a virus transmitted by the insects of Jangar III." She injected him with an anti-pyretic, "You'll have a fever and be all achy but it should only last for a couple of days."
"Great." Harper said mournfully.
"Just rest, you deserve it from what Beka and Rommie told me." Trance patted Harper's hand affectionately.
"Yeah, I guess. You know, I never even got one 'thank you' for my trouble?" Harper pouted.
"You didn't?" Trance gasped. "That's rude! I think I'm going to have to speak with our shipmates."
"Don't worry your pretty purple head, I've got it covered." Harper said with a wink.
.
Dylan entered his quarters to change before his shift. The first thing he noticed was a package on the bed. The note on it said, 'Here's something that might come in handy. Never know, next time you might.not.make it.' Frowning, he tore open the package to reveal a box of Depends adult diapers. Dylan rolled his eyes and chuckled in spite of himself.
Beka found a similar package waiting for her on the Maru, the note read 'Hey boss, saw ya walkin' a little funny, heard this stuff works wonders for itchy nether regions' upon opening it she found a bottle of pink Calamine lotion. "One of these days, Harper." Beka shook her head and sighed but she couldn't help but smile as she added the bottle to the Maru's first aid kit.
Tyr's present was waiting for him on his weight-lifting bench. The note read 'I didn't *TELL* another living soul, I swear!' Inside Tyr found a picture of himself taken from the Maru's internal sensors. The background was unmistakably the medical closet and the subject of the picture was one very naked Nietzschean. There he stood in all his glory the words 'Lutefisk Rules' scrawled across the 'pertinent' parts.
"HARPER!" Tyr bellowed.
As the walls of med bay reverberated with the angered yell of the tactical officer, Harper smiled and snuggled deep in his favorite blanket on med bay. At last, things were as they should be.
The End
********************
No sooner was the Maru on the ground than Harper heard the airlock being opened. He got himself out of the pilot's seat and to the door just in time to see his four friends hobbling off in four different directions. He'd managed to find a clearing large enough for the Maru with convenient cover not far away.
Harper watched as Dylan stopped about five meters from the Maru. "Notgonna...make it." Dylan grunted. He turned sharply, hand on his bum, knees together, and lurched for the lee of the Maru.
http://www.laughinglynx.com/sounds/mp3/diarrhea.mp3
Seconds later Harper jumped when he heard a shrill, gargling, howl, it sounded like a turkey being strangled. He ran in the direction Dylan had staggered, worried that a wild animal had gotten him. He stopped short when the noise came again, punctuated by curses in several languages and the sound of bowels being rapidly emptied.
Harper plugged his nose and held his breath while quickly returning to the Maru's airlock. He wasn't sure what to do next. He wanted to help but he was pretty sure there wasn't much he could do. He shuddered *don't go there, man* he thought. He'd worn a pretty good path in the tall grass when Rommie finally came back into sight. She was moving slowly, her gears grinding. Harper ran to meet her. "Hey doll, you feelin' better?"
"Yes and no. I've depleted my fluid supply; I guess you could say I'm dehydrated." She gave Harper a weak smile as he put her arm over his shoulder and helped her back to the ship. He laid her on a bunk in the crew quarters and grabbed her a can of lubricant.
"Do you think you can handle this? I've gotta go check on the others." At Rommie's nod, Harper raced back outside. He didn't have to wait long before Beka came limping back toward the ship. "Better?"
"Ugh, no." Beka said disgustedly, "I sure hope there's no poison oak around here."
Harper smiled sympathetically, "Come on boss, let's get you a bunk and something to drink. As soon as the other two come back, we can be on our way." Beka sighed and leaned her head on Harper's shoulder.
Harper got Beka settled just as Dylan drug himself into the crew quarters. "Mister Harper..." He said as he collapsed on the nearest bunk, asleep before he hit the mattress.
"Yeah, yeah, best speed to the Andromeda." Harper sighed and lifted Dylan's legs onto the bed making him as comfortable as possible. Harper was beginning to tire of the nursemaid routine. It wasn't more fun to be the patient but it sure as hell was a lot less work.
Harper returned to the airlock expecting to see Tyr sauntering back. No Tyr. Harper waited and waited, anxious to get going, he risked the larger man's ire and yelled for him to hurry up. No answer. "Come on Tyr, we gotta get goin'!" Harper shouted again. The sun was going down and the bugs were coming out. Harper swatted at several until a mournful howl chilled him to the bone. "Tyr?" Harper whispered, "Was that you?" The howl was replaced by what sounded like barking. "Crap." Harper muttered he was ready to leave, and now. He reluctantly set off in the direction Tyr had gone, his blaster charged and at the ready.
"Tyr." Harper rasped, "Where are you? We gotta get outa here."
"I'm not going." Tyr's soft baritone floated across the gathering mist.
"What?" Harper hissed, finally able to make out the silhouette of the large man near an equally large tree.
"I said I'm not going, not yet anyway."
"I don't understand."
"You go back to the ship, I will return after night falls." Tyr was still sitting by the tree. He kept his back to Harper.
"We gotta be gone by then, I can already hear the wild animals, they'll eat you up if you're still here after dark!" Harper's eyes darted about, wary of any danger.
"I told you, boy, I'll be along, just not yet."
"What's the matter?" Harper pressed, and then a thought occurred to him. "You didn't...you didn't have and *accident* did you?"
"NO! Of course not!" Tyr shouted. He then lowered his voice to a level that was barely audible. "I was merely a little anxious and in my haste to shed my clothing, I appear to have..."
"Have what? Come on Tyr, spit it out."
"Well, I seem to have ripped my pants."
"That's nothin', just use what's left to cover up and let's get out of here!" Harper stood and waited for Tyr to follow.
"It's not that simple, boy. When I was...finished, I noticed I was surrounded by poison oak. Having nothing else, I used the shreds of my pants to" Tyr swallowed hard, "cleanse myself."
"Oh." Was all Harper could manage; he was trying hard to stifle his snickers and not succeeding very well.
"Cease your childish behavior, return to the Maru, and bring me some clothes!" Tyr demanded although to Harper, he didn't seem nearly as threatening as five minutes earlier. Harper turned to leave. He paused as Tyr whispered, "Listen."
Harper strained his ears but heard nothing. He was about to start out again when, over the constant hum of insects, came the sound of distant drums punctuated by sporadic yells and barks of the same animals he's heard earlier. His eyes continually adjusting to the growing gloom, Harper glanced around for signs that the natives might be headed their way. He was rewarded when he looked up into the tree and saw several stick figures hanging in its branches. "Uh, ok, new plan. I think you may have, uh, desecrated their sacred tree or somethin'."
"What?" Tyr said as something hit his face. He grabbed it angrily. "What's this? A handkerchief?"
"No, Einstein, it's my shirt. Use it to cover up and let's get the hell out of here!" Harper said dancing from foot to foot as the drumming drew steadily closer.
"Uh, Harper, this is not going to cover me, this scrap of cloth wouldn't even begin to be of use."
"Really?" Harper said attempting to peer around the tree to see for himself and got a pinecone thrown at him for his efforts.
Harper rolled his eyes. Who would have thought Tyr was modest considering all the time he spent strutting around half-naked. Obviously though, Tyr was having a really hard time with this particular humiliation. Harper decided to take it easy on him, for now. "Ok, here's the deal, you all need to get back to the Andromeda as soon as possible and have your stomachs pumped, there are natives coming to roast us over an open flame or something, so you need to get your naked Nietzschean ass up and follow me. Don't worry, if I see something I've never seen before, I'll throw a rock at it."
Tyr sneered at Harper and growled menacingly. "If you *ever* breathe a word of this to another living soul, I will personally make sure you *never* procreate."
Harper nodded slightly and headed off toward the Maru at a hurried jog, he heard the larger man following a good distance behind. The sound of the drums grew as an eerie light formed on the horizon. Harper picked up the pace and reached the Maru at a full run. He headed straight for the cockpit and began pre-flight procedures. He heard the airlock close moments later and Tyr's footsteps as he locked himself in the Maru's medical closet. As the Maru lifted off the ground, Harper saw figures dressed in furs and loincloths shaking their fists at the Maru and tossing spears.
Harper saluted the natives smartly and pointed the ship at the stars that were starting to appear in the alien sky. Once safely away from the planet, Harper engaged autopilot and headed back to the crew quarters and grabbed some of Tyr's extra clothes. He tossed them in without peeking and went back to check on his charges.
Beka and Dylan were sound asleep and Rommie had entered a self-diagnostic cycle. Tyr, fully dressed, collapsed on the only remaining bunk.
"All set then. Let's go home." Harper said and made his way to the cockpit, pausing to knock on the door to the bathroom. "You ok?"
"Yeah." Trance answered. Well, at least she was forming words instead of grunts so Harper was optimistic.
The rest of the trip was uneventful. Rev was waiting at the hanger bay to help Harper unload the invalids. Dylan, Beka, and Tyr were taken to medical where they received the proper medical care.
Rev declared that they would be back to normal by the next day. As an after thought, Harper whispered to Rev, "Ah, I think you'd better check Beka for poison oak." Rev opened his mouth but Harper held up his hand, "Don't ask, but make sure to check her thoroughly."
Harper took Rommie to machine shop 17. He was tired but he wasn't about to neglect his favorite android. When he was through, he stopped in to med bay to check up on his 'poopin' pals' as he had affectionately come to refer to them. They were all sleepin' like babies, he half expected to see Dylan sucking his thumb. He almost envied them their peaceful sleep. He sighed, he still had work to do on the Maru, and then he had to relieve Rev who had been on duty for two days straight.
**********************
Harper had just finished in the Maru, was getting ready to go find Rev when the door to the bathroom burst open, and out bounced a very chipper Trance. "Harper! What's up?" She asked innocently.
Harper stared at her, mouth agape. He shuffled past her, mumbling something to the effect of ask Dylan.
Undaunted, Trance hopped in front of him. "Harper, are you ok? You don't look so good."
"I'm fine, just a little tired. I think you should go check on the others. They should be well enough to be released by now. If you need me, I'll be on the bridge." Trance watched him go, shrugged cheerfully, and skipped off toward med bay.
.
Trance had just announced everyone well and fit for duty when the med bay doors swished open. Rev entered half-carrying, half-dragging an obviously ill Harper to a nearby bed. "Oh, Harper, I knew you didn't look well."
"Correct as usual, your purpleness." Harper sighed. He received sympathetic looks from Beka and Dylan as they left Trance to her work. Tyr merely sneered and shot Harper a warning glance before following the others through the door.
Trance finished her scans. "So, darlin' what's the verdict?"
"You have Jangardian fever. It's a virus transmitted by the insects of Jangar III." She injected him with an anti-pyretic, "You'll have a fever and be all achy but it should only last for a couple of days."
"Great." Harper said mournfully.
"Just rest, you deserve it from what Beka and Rommie told me." Trance patted Harper's hand affectionately.
"Yeah, I guess. You know, I never even got one 'thank you' for my trouble?" Harper pouted.
"You didn't?" Trance gasped. "That's rude! I think I'm going to have to speak with our shipmates."
"Don't worry your pretty purple head, I've got it covered." Harper said with a wink.
.
Dylan entered his quarters to change before his shift. The first thing he noticed was a package on the bed. The note on it said, 'Here's something that might come in handy. Never know, next time you might.not.make it.' Frowning, he tore open the package to reveal a box of Depends adult diapers. Dylan rolled his eyes and chuckled in spite of himself.
Beka found a similar package waiting for her on the Maru, the note read 'Hey boss, saw ya walkin' a little funny, heard this stuff works wonders for itchy nether regions' upon opening it she found a bottle of pink Calamine lotion. "One of these days, Harper." Beka shook her head and sighed but she couldn't help but smile as she added the bottle to the Maru's first aid kit.
Tyr's present was waiting for him on his weight-lifting bench. The note read 'I didn't *TELL* another living soul, I swear!' Inside Tyr found a picture of himself taken from the Maru's internal sensors. The background was unmistakably the medical closet and the subject of the picture was one very naked Nietzschean. There he stood in all his glory the words 'Lutefisk Rules' scrawled across the 'pertinent' parts.
"HARPER!" Tyr bellowed.
As the walls of med bay reverberated with the angered yell of the tactical officer, Harper smiled and snuggled deep in his favorite blanket on med bay. At last, things were as they should be.
The End